Yesterday I really had met the ends of my rope. I am just completely spent. My house looks like a bomb exploded in it. I guess my house just looks the way I feel! Life is so all over the place and every where and I don't know where I fit into it all.
Night time I am in bed earlier and earlier every night. Most nights we are all in bed by 9:00. Yes you read that correct - 9:00. This night owl closes her eyes and at least tries to fall asleep. Some nights it comes quickly, others I lay there and think, "Breathe in, Breathe out...this panic attack will leave". The problem is, even with a full blown panic attack, I am still exhausted and sleep does take over within an hour or so.
Last night I was so tired by the time I got up the stairs I wanted to cry when I saw that Lyse had left her clothes on the floor after taking a shower. I was sooooo frustrated with her. I picked up her clothes and walked into my room. When I couldn't get to my laundry hamper because Katy's "bed" and body was blocking it. I walked into their room. I had to step over toys and shut clothes drawers. I picked up as I walked back out of the room, depressed that I just could not keep up. As I walked into my room and Lyse and Katy were once again going to sleep in their "beds" aka the little walking space I had in my room, I felt like: tearing my hair out, starting to bawl and just wanting to run away from it all. For a while they were sleeping in our room so we only had to run 1 air conditioner and save $$$. Lately, they have continued the floor sleeping even though we have begged them to please go to their BEDS!
So as I was stepping over heads and bodies to get to my bed, I walked over to Ben's side of the bed and tripped on his shoes and clothes he had layed out for work the next day.
I was about an inch away from loosing it.
Clothes on the floor in the hallway and bathroom (well not anymore cause I had picked them up but you know what I mean). Children and clothes on my bedroom floor (couldn't do a thing about any of that because I was too tired to wake them up and/or carry them to their own beds). Toys on the floor in the girls room (picked up some but it was bed time I was not going to stay up longer to clean their messes). I have cleaned and cleaned and feel like I am getting no where.
I was sooooo frustrated and about to give up on even finding a place around my bed where I could kneel for my prayers...when I saw it and my heart melted, my frustration of it all of melted away and I wanted to cry tears of joy and happiness.
My favorite part - was Fum - aka From!
She drew me flowers, mountains and clouds and sunshine.
When I got up for work at 645 this morning and signed into my computer, it made me sick in my heart to have to erase that beautiful note. I needed that!
Thank you Elyse!
PS when I showed Lyse the picture she drew for me...she was soooo excited that I had put it on my blog. It once again melted my heart. She then went on to explain that the clouds that are the reddish color above the mountains are the sunset because I always point out the beautiful clouds at sunset! Ahhh...melts my heart even more!
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