Camping, hiking and all over the place.

No camping this weekend dang it! Ben forgot that we have the church building cleaning this Saturday...which means our little family will be over cleaning the church building at 7:30 am. There is no way I am gonna try and go camping with that :( While I am sad, I am also grateful for the opportunity to serve the ward and the Lord in the simple act of cleaning.

We are still hiking tomorrow though. I am kinda excited for this new hike. My friend told me about this hike and her family is coming along with us for it! The round trip hike is 4 miles and your elevation levels will change over 1100 feet while hiking! I don't know if I am strong enough for this but I am sure gonna try!

The hike we are doing is called the Mary, Martha and Catherine hike. You hike to Lake Mary, then Lake Martha and then the last and highest point, Lake Catherine..then circle back down. It is near Dog Lake up Big Cottonwood Canyon. I have read a LOT about this hike and I am REALLY hoping I am prepared for it (and just as importantly that our girls are)! If we survive this one successfully then we will consider an overnight backpacking hike at the end of this summer. That hike is a total of 6 miles. We shall see!

I am so grateful that my family and I are able to experience and love these together! What a HUGE blessing my weight loss has been for my family!!! I love that I can hike these and enjoy these journeys now!

On weight loss: Today I stepped onto the wii scale to see 144. My BMI is 23. In 2 lbs I will be down to a BMI of 22. It will be 22.98 but it will be in the "perfect BMI 22 points" scale area. To achieve the perfect 22, I still have 8 lbs. I want to reach that point but honestly I don't know if I can or want to maintain it. I don't want to be overly skinny or obsessed with my weight...that is something that is really hard. I know I am struggling with my new body image and realizing that I am not fat. I am struggling with the fears of gaining back. Honestly I only want to reach the perfect BMI to reach it but in the end I would be happy at the weight I am now in the 140s. I feel content and happy here...but then there is that drive. That drive to have the "perfect" this or that is something I am going to have to face and deal with. The fear of gaining from the perfect weight. And honestly right now I have to also point out that I am a bit afraid I will just keep loosing until I am under weight. I have no appetite lately and my stomach hurts after most foods so I try and avoid eating...which leads to great weight loss, which I love but it also is a concern. I know this is all over the place...just my random ramblings...sorry!

Overall, life is good! I love my family and I am happy! What more can you ask for in life? There will always be trials...it is finding the happiness in them that is what makes life wonderful!

All over the place

One of my biggest flaws is I can't say no, I am willing and WANTING to help any and all. I hear of a stranger that needs a twin size bed and I think, "Man I wish I had an extra or the money to go buy one because I would". Honestly, I would.

I LOVE to help. The problem is I think many times it makes those around me feel like I am "saving up" for a future favor.

I offer to help my friends and people I love WAY to much. I LOVE it!!! Seriously, when I offer help and a friend takes me up on it...it makes my day! It makes me feel loved, that I am fulfilling the purpose I was sent here on earth.

I have some friends that I have offered the help to and I get weird looks or "no thanks" EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

This has me really thinking and struggling. Do they just not like me and don't want to admit it?

Today I was hurt sooooo badly by 2 of these friends. I don't think they can nor will ever know the pain they inflicted or the tears that have been cried over it today.

Tonight I am seriously contemplating these "friendships". I wonder if it is just me feeling the friendship.

I honestly don't know anymore. Normally I can read people pretty well but not now, not with this.

For now I will sit on my couch (soon to be snuggled in nice WARM flannel pj's) and moan away my sadness with some ice cream or maybe I will get some yummy warm rolls or something.

Ya...don't judge me! Even with gastric bypass I still have my comfort foods that just kinda help...I just eat a LOT less of them than I did before. Before I would have binged and eaten 5 cinnamon rolls. Now I will eat 1/4 of 1 slowly and get my comfort! I don't have money to shop it away and honestly I am too tired and lazy tonight to exercise it away!

My last thing - today the girls and I had a FABULOUS time with Becca (the Primary Pres. I serve under). She and her kids came with us up to "This is the Place Heritage Park". It was AMAZING! The kids LOVE LOVE LOVED it! The petting farm area with lambs and kids (baby goat not child) was the all time fave! Of course they liked the pigs, bunnies, sheep and goats as well. A close runner up was the children's play area that they were able to play in miniature homes, shops, barns, etc. The log home and rocker chair was their primary residence and rain guards. Honestly the only bad thing was the rain!!! Free ice cream cone made the day even in the rain was a hit! It was AMAZING, WONDERFUL and GREAT! It was even better having friends there to share it all with us! :)

Last but not least...Ben was given a load tonight but was unable to find a truck for that load. I am so disheartened....hence the OTHER reason for cinnamon roll or ice cream sob fest! :) It will get better I know it...just right now is hard. I am trying so hard to stay positive and I am SOOOO grateful for the sunshine in my gloomy day that I received from time with my girls and friends at "This is the Place Heritage Park" (even when though it was raining).

Aunts

Being an aunt is something I LOVE. I adore my nieces and nephews. Sometimes though I wonder about it all.

Being a fun aunt to some nieces and nephews is REALLY easy, to others not so much. I often wonder if that has to do with how much I feel I am accepted by that child's parents and how much the parents want me to be a part of the child's life. I think it has to do with the distance (whether literal or figurative).

I wish I could be the aunt "Teetee" to all the nieces and nephews but I KNOW I am not. I realized this the other day at my in-laws home. All the nieces and nephew that live here in Utah were there. They honestly did not know my name. That made me sad.

Yes there has been a falling out. Yes I could say a LOT more about it but I am trying to change and be better. Right now I am reflecting on me. I am sorry for the things I said. Although the relationships had a facade, there was at least a relationship.

I am not the horrible person they perceive me to be and I don't believe they aren't the horrible people I perceived them to be.

History is a tough cookie and one that can't be erased. I want to move forward and have a fresh start, a new outlook but I don't think that will ever happen. In the past I have said, I have forgiven but I haven't forgotten. It isn't only me that feels that way. I wish I could share this with them. This is a time that I wish the parents even read my blog, but they don't. I wish we could get together at family functions and not try and get out of there as quickly as possible with as few words as possible.

Yes I felt left out. Yes I felt unloved. Yes I was wrong.

So alas, I can never be that fun aunt with them. I can't take them for a day to play with me and my kids like I do others. I don't get those opportunities. That makes me sad.

Judgment

Last post I talked about the judgment people put on those that have weight issues. I don't think there is a person alive that doesn't have a weight issue. Before you judge me on that, hear me out.

I know MANY skinny people that would KILL to be able to gain 20 lbs, put some "meat" on their bones. Some are guys, some are girls. For the guys being too skinny is considered "BAD" by popular choice, while the too skinny girls (whom some have problems with pregnancy due to weight) get the "you are so lucky".

I think MOST the people I know that are "skinny" and just that perfect size, are constantly dieting, exercising and fighting the bulge.

Then you get to the people that are over-weight, obese. These are the ones that fight it day after day. They get the instant judgment.

The other day Ben was talking to me about just that, instant judgment. Ben and I have known each other basically all our lives...we were friends for years and years before we even went on a romantic date. Ben informed me, "You are the you I knew in High School. You are no longer afraid of that instant judgment of your weight so you allow yourself to be put out there more often." I instantly agreed with him.

I was instantly judged everywhere I walked because of my weight. I was judged at the gym, I was judged at the school volunteering. If I dressed in a more slenderizing outfit I would instantly get praise and "you are looking so good". While all that was great, if I wasn't trying to loose weight I knew it was all a facade. I also knew many times it was judgment of "you really need to loose so I am going to encourage to see if I can help you continue".

The judgment you get when overweight and obese was debilitating for me. I tried to avoid social functions, especially if food was involved. I avoided getting together with old friends because I had "let myself go". I often turned to food to solve the problem rather than mentally working through it. I feel horrible that many great friendships were never discovered, lost or abandoned because I feared judgment. I couldn't be enough when I was fat.

Now when I am not enough (which still happens)...I know it isn't my weight. It is simply that I am not perfect.

I have made MANY great mistakes in my lifetime. I have treated loved ones and friends ways I never should have. While you may laugh...many of those were also weight related. I was never enough for my in-laws and they didn't understand me...that is what I saw in my eyes. My weight was the cause of that. While I now see that I was truly right in some of those assumptions, there is also part that I blamed my weight when in reality it wasn't that.

My fear of being judged over my weight put me on super high, overload sensitivity. If I sensed even the littlest of problems I immediately jumped to the greatest reason for it.

Losing weight has helped with much of this. Part has also been I have had to come to terms with myself as a person. Not everyone will like or get along with me. Some people may even hate me. That is the way life is. I can't force friendships, I can't make people like me. Before I just always had a "reason" I could finger for the problem...now I know it just be that we don't get along.

As I previously said, I had to deal with a lot when I underwent Gastric Bypass. There were several months there in which I was not getting more than 2 fl oz (which is about 1/4 cup) worth of food in during the whole day! My foods had to be simple and easy to digest. The smell of almost ALL food made me nauseated to the point I would throw up. Even being in a grocery store parking lot in which there was a fast food joint, the smell of fat in the air would make my mouth water with nausea.

After I was finally able to eat some foods, my small new stomach got an ulcer! I was on daily aspirin for my blood clots...well aspirin causes ulcers. Since my stomach is smaller, even a small ulcer is 10 times worse.

I dealt with a lot and had to come to terms with a lot of my food habits while puking over the porcelain bowl. The desire for fast food was GONE. I can now handle the smell of fast food but try to make it rare and far between (like 1 time in the month of April I took Lyse and Katy to McDonald's and that was for the play land and it was my friend that took them...I just picked them up. I actually kinda wish that I could still smell fat the way I used to...but I am also very grateful that olfactory sense has left. Seriously, no food smelled good. I like that food now smells good to me. I love that I had that time to learn what I needed...to get and gain the habits of healthy foods and eating. I had always been good...now I am even better. Tonight my snack was a hand full of snap peas...1 year ago it would have been a bowl of ice cream or cereal.

Judgment is a strange beast because we live in a world of constant and quick judgment. I am still judged by my weight but it isn't an instant, "that person needs to go on a diet". My relationships haven't all went from toxic to amazing. I will admit some of have gotten better (which in many ways HURTS because I know it was my weight that was stopping it from being good to begin with). Some relationships haven't changed. I don't know of any relationships that have gotten worse. I think the big reason for that is...I myself have changed.

I am no longer the person I was a year ago. I am more outgoing. I don't fear judgment when volunteering or serving. I now feel like I can make a tray of brownies and take them around to friends and ward members and not have them be like, "Oh of course it is the obese lady that brings brownies". I am NOT saying that they would have said that...that is more how I felt they would feel. As I said, I am NOT perfect and I KNOW that my changing attitudes has been the biggest change.

In the end, it breaks my heart that judgment exists. It breaks my heart that I was so judgmental of not only myself but of people and their capacity to love and accept no matter the size. I have true grief over the 7 years I spent obese and 4 years I spent severely obese. I lost those years. I also feel extreme gratitude that those numbers aren't higher, that I can have the life I wanted but was to scared and held back on.

I hope and pray I can remember this lesson and be slower to judge and quicker to love. While the weight loss surgery may seem easy...it wasn't. I had to face all these demons head on and I am still facing some. It sucks at times but I am trying to keep a good attitude about it all. I am forever grateful and hope and pray I can remember this and never go back to the way I was. I never want to be there again.

New Start

1 year ago today I started on a new part of life and weight loss.

I don't ever talk about this with but a few people. I have tried to hide it.

I am NOT ashamed of it in any way. I am afraid of what people will think. I KNOW what some think!

I wish I could tell them what I have learned, what I know and that they are TRULY wrong in their assumption that I took the easy way out.

1 year ago I went to my first meeting for weight loss surgery.

We were truly blessed to have an insurance that paid 100% minus co-pays. That insurance gave me a new life.

The process wasn't LOOOONG and tedious like it can be with some insurances. I started the process on May 6, 2009. My surgery was on July 1, 2009, so just under 2 months...which is basically how long even self paying people have to wait.

There is a process that no matter how quickly you want it done, you still have to meet the process.

First you have to attend a meeting. They discuss all the options, what each entails and then you have time in which you can sit and talk with people that have had the surgery. I originally planned on doing lap band. I walked out of the meeting confident, sure and a re-affirmation from my Father in Heaven that Gastric Bypass was what I was supposed to do. Ben felt the same so that was a great thing.

Then comes the paperwork. You leave the meeting with a HUGE pamphlet that you have to fill out. Important decisions have to be made. One is which surgery. Another is which doctor. I had already felt very inspired to go with Dr. McKinley, after all he was the one that I had found on the internet while in Oklahoma and lead me to that specific practice.

I guess if I really talk about when my process started, I would have to say that it started in April of 2009. That is when I was trying desperately to loose weight and was not loosing any. That is when I had a night I had to read through all my information on insurance for a friend that had the same insurance and needed an answer. That is when I came across the Weight Loss Surgery area of our coverage and had such an overwhelming Spiritual confirmation that it makes me teary even thinking of it.

This decision was not a decision I took lightly. I researched and researched. A big reason I chose to do lap band before the meeting was because it was the safest. Going under the knife to loose weight is serious. I have children. I have to raise those children. Dying on the table while trying to help myself and children in the future...well the children wouldn't have me in the future. I prayed a lot, talked to Ben a lot and then I went to my mom and sister.

Everyone wanted me to do lap band and honestly I was leaning towards it because of safety but as I was lead towards it there was also this burning in my soul that told me Gastric Bypass was what I needed to do.

After the meeting and both my husband and I feeling Gastric Bypass was the answer. I filled out the paper time and had it turned in within a week (including all the copies of medical transcripts from 4 different doctors).

Once my paperwork was turned in then I had to wait. I am not patient...each day that went by I would worry and fret that for some reason my insurance would decide they didn't want to cover the surgery for me.

The day I got the letter in the mail from my insurance was such an amazing day. I was sooooo happy! I was soooo grateful and once again I received Spiritual confirmation that I was doing what I was meant to, that the Lord was guiding me here.

From that point on it was mainly timing with the surgeon and office. I had to attend 2 meetings and a pre-surgery exam. I had to get some blood work up and for 2 weeks before the surgery I had to eat under 1000 calories a day (which I did).

My surgery went perfect, my recovery didn't go perfect. Matter of fact, within the first week I had blood clots and had to go back in for surgery on the 8th of July because of complications. Recovery sucked. Anyone that was around me and supporting me during that time will fully agree that my choice for weight loss surgery was not the easy way out.

The first time I had to walk after the surgery I thought I would die. Laughing made me cry not because of joy. Food was NOT my friend...I couldn't even eat 1 fl. oz of food, much less the 2 fl. oz.

My stomach caused many problems for many months and honestly it took me 4 months to be able to eat 2 fl. oz. size portions. I can now eat 6-8 fl oz worth of food but try to stick to 2-4 fl. oz. serving sizes.

I started my surgery at 300 lbs...today 10 months and 6 days after the surgery I weigh 159 lbs. My doctor figured I would loose to about 180. I have had to work hard and a lot. I have to turn down food that looks good because I know my body shouldn't have it. I still have to have will power. I am NOT perfect but I am trying.

Writing about this is one of the hardest things I do. I think the biggest reason I dared do it was because I know very few people read my blog.

I want to be able to share, I want to get past the judgment that I know many people place on those that have Gastric Bypass Surgery. I want them to know it is NOT the easy way out and you still have to make choices daily. I can still get fat again if I make the wrong choices. The differences is it has allowed me to get skinny!!! I am FINALLY able to do it. I have learned so much and I will write more about it, but for now my children want me to take them for a bike ride and I can do that...something that 1 year ago I could not.

Gastric Bypass gave me back my life. That is something that I will be eternally grateful for!

Aquaintance, Buddy, Chum

Friendship is an odd duck.

Some people that you have been friends with for years. They can walk out of your life forever simply by moving to a town 20 minutes away. Instead of talking daily, you never talk again or really have any contact with each other...the friendship was one of close proximity. I think this would be called an aquaintance.

Some people you don't even know in real life but you know them via blogs and internet sites. You feel as though the person is your best friend, but if you were to see them on the street you probably wouldn't recognize them. This I would call an internet comrad or bosom buddy.

Other friends come into your life. You are casual friend, yet good friends. When times are tough it seems as though this friend just magically appears. When they are struggling, you intuitively know and help them. You can live across the continent from this friend and it won't matter cause the minute you are together again you feel as though you have never been apart. This is a person I would name a "Lifetime Buddy".

A classmate friend I would classify as some people you know really well for a short time then you both move on...maybe with or without moving from your residence. It is a short-term and wonderful friendship while it lasts.

Some people you have known your entire life and they are more like a sibling than a friend. This I call a "pre-mortal existence or soul mate friendship".

Then there are the people that when growing up you know this person but never really associate. After High School graduation you each go your own ways only to be reunited years later and have an instant bonding friendship. I don't have a name for this one...maybe just "reunited and found friendship".

The worst is the people who pretend really well to be your friend when in reality they are just too nice to say they don't want to be your friend. The realization that you really aren't friends burns and hurts. This I would call a foe friend.

The last and oddest duck out of all friendships is the one where you both want to be friends but there is just something that doesn't click. You try and try to make the friendship work but you just really don't understand and "get" each other. This is truly the saddest of all friendships. I would think this would be like a "well-wisher friendship". You both wish each other well and wish you had a friendship but it just doesn't seem to be.

Why can't you just be friends? Why does the awkwardness always have to exist.

I currently have a friendship like this and it is tearing my heart out.

I want us to be great friends, our families to be able to hang out. I think that she feels the same way but when we do get together...families or alone it seems forced.

Why?

I honestly wish I knew the answer. I love her and think she is an amazing woman. I adore her talents and want to learn from her.

I find that I am often asking myself, "What am I doing that causes this awkwardness? Why can't we just hang out? Am I expecting too much in wanting a friendship with her? Is it not her nor I but in reality her husband that doesn't like me so she is keeping her distance? Am I imagining it all and she sees my hesitant behavior and feels like it is me that doesn't want the friendship?

Whatever the cause I am finding more and more we are in the same place and while I desire to go and say "hi", it feels like I would be forcing myself on her. I find this especially to be the case when her husband is around.

I invited them over to our home 4-5 times, each time receiving a "Let me talk to my husband" and a following, "I'm sorry we are ___________." I decided maybe they didn't want to be in our small place so I took the initiative to ask if they wanted to go out to a free exhibit or such, only to get the same response. That is when I wrote off the friendship figuring she didn't want more an an aquaintance.

Once I did that, she started to call and ask me to do things.

I am truly confused. I know she is amazing and I adore her. I want the friendship to work but it seems like if I serve her or try to be a friend I am just intruding. When she offers to serve me, I feel like I am forcing her to.

I wish I could read her better to know if I was better off walking away or keep trying. I want her friendship and I think she wants mine but I honestly don't know.

I have spent a lot of time thinking, pondering and praying about this. Honestly, I don't know the answer.

My heart hurts to loose the friendship and walk away...but I am thinking it might be time to just do that. We just might not mesh like I wish we could.

Friendship is odd or maybe it is me. Maybe I am just socially dis-functional.

Mommy Moment

Today I had a great mommy moment. I got to do a VIP for my little Lyse. She is amazing! I love her more than anything and so getting to do a special poster just about her was WONDERFUL!

I often forget to see all the wonder, amazement and love that I have for my children. I focus on the day to day. I focus on the chores that need done, the homework that needs finished. Yes I bask in my love for them as they laugh and giggle. I revel in hearing complete joy in their voice and watching them dance with a child's joy.

I love my children...I truly do; however, I noticed that I too often overlook and don't get to see who my children truly are. It worries me that I have to think for a minute about personal character traits and seconds to tell of things that have happened in their life. I know being able to say important life events is important but the person coming from those events is so much more important.

Am I truly getting to know that person? Do I know what they are saying and who they are really becoming. Lately I have really worried that I am not seeing them, that I don't know the person coming from the events.

How can a good mother do that? This makes me seriously question my mothering and nuturing skills.

This next part is for me...what I need to type! I need to share what I see in my children, who they are becoming...not the events they are living!

My Elyse loves to give hugs. She loves to give kisses. She loves to show her love to others in any way she can. She adores family. Elyse loves animals and always has. Elyse has a huge passion for life. She loves surprising us by doing a chore all by herself then showing us it is done. The other day she cleaned her room entirely on her own...without any help or nudging from me or Ben. Elyse has so much love to give to not only herself but others! Listen to her for a day and you will see the love! The other day while giving my mom a hug she said, "Grandma why does it just feel so good when I hug you?" My heart melts thinking of that. My mom, my daughter...the immense love they share so that even a hug feels "so good"!

Elyse has immense faith and love for her Father in Heaven. I often wish I could have her faith. Her prayers are so thoughtful, so heartfelt. She always prays for others and she truly is concerned over them and how they are doing. Elyse loves to sing and often you will hear her burst into song...lately the favorite is "Child's Prayer" from the primary song book. She sings, "Heavenly Father are you really there and do you hear and answer every child's prayer" and I feel the Spirit come over me so strongly...yes, yes he does! He hears my prayers but I know He has to hear hers even more...based solely on her faith. If you want a prayer truly answered...Have Lyse offer the prayer. She seems to know what to ask and how to ask it in a way that when the prayer is answered you KNOW! Elyse has a love for her sister and wants to be like her. I am so grateful she has great role models.

Elyse is stubborn and I love that so much about her!

There is so much to Lyse it is hard to name it all. She is my ying and yang...hot and cold. One minute she can laugh until everyone is laughing...the next she can cry until she has everyone wanting to cry! What can I say, she is a great leader of emotions!

****

My Katy has joy in living. She is happy to be alive. She finds joy in the journey. Katy's happiness and joy in life is contagious. I love seeing her skip, laugh and just enjoy life!

Katy is a natural tease. Her dad helped instill her with the first bit of it and she just thrived and grew with it! She can instantly she a tease and follow pursuit in the same. At times she will tease me back and I am much slower in catching the teasing unfortunately. I love that she has a sense of humor and knows how to laugh!

Katy is an amazing friend, sister, daughter, person. She thinks of others always. She has a tender spot to see needs and try to help with those needs. Her heart is always seeing others and thinking of them. Katy would NEVER intentionally hurt someone...she loves them too much (even if they are a stranger)!

Katy is a dancer and great at it! Katy excels in wanting to be healthy. She wants to eat healthy, she want to get exercise...she wants to treat her body the way everyone should treat theirs - eating treats occasionally, eating healthy fruits and veggies all the time! Many times I have to tell her she can't eat more veggies, she needs to eat some meat and carbs! How many parents have to tell their children that?!?

Katy has a STRONG desire to do what is right. If she knows it is right she tries until she just honestly can't anymore to do the right thing. I am so grateful for her strong moral compass that many times has put me back on the straight and narrow path. Katy's life and Spirit shine so strong. I am grateful to a Father in Heaven that has given me a child so spiritually strong. She is ages older than me in Spirit!

*****

thank you for allowing me this mommy moment. I needed it. I will add more I am sure but for now I am tired. My throat is BURNING and the medicine has kicked in enough to exhaust me but not take away the pain! Gotta love that!

Kicked from the club

In different professions there are different "clubs". In almost all of those professions there is a "spouse club". The club that is the common ground for all the spouses that went through the ordeal of getting that profession, even though they weren't the ones training or getting the education.

Doctors wives (and husbands) have a bond because they went through med school. They lived the life and have a similar story. Same goes for Law school.

In the flight world, pilot wives stick together. They understand each other and the hardships the career can be on the family and marriage. Having the spouse gone all the time, missing important events, having to worry if they will be in the state when a baby is born, etc.

In the ATC world there was also a wives club. The club that I was a part of. I made friends that I cherished and was grateful to have. We had a common link...a job that our husband's had. A stressful job that required a lot.

When Ben lost his job, I lost my club. I don't think any of the friends I made through the process tried to shun me, it just happened.

Ben lost his club too. Friends that he spent a year with, struggling through classes with.

This loss has really been one of the hardest.

Loosing a job SUCKS. The loss of friendship because you lost the job that brought the friendship, that just hurts on a whole new level.

I don't get why Ben can't be friends with the guys that came to our house, ate dinner with us, played games with us. At the same time I DO know why. We had one guy over, just long enough to drop off stuff and you could TOTALLY see how uncomfortable he now was to be in our home. I wish it weren't so, it weren't true. The truth is: it is the way it is.

I am friends on Facebook with many people from Oklahoma and our time with the FAA. I am wanting to delete them but it makes me so sad to think about deleting them. There is NO reason I should be friends with some of them yet erasing them from Facebook makes it real, make that chapter really close. Some of these people I am not close friends with at all. Why am I holding on to them as facebook friends? It is torture to keep and feels like it will kill me to delete them.

I honestly think some would be relieved to not have me be a friend. They wouldn't have to see the "this could have been you" reminder. It is easier to have me not in the club at all but they feel the same way and don't want to be the ones that do the booting. I am the person in the room that no one wants there, including myself, but no one has the courage to say, "You really don't belong here anymore".

I don't want that chapter to close! I don't want to close the door on the friendship even though I know it is for the best. A friendship is no longer there, the club doors have been slammed in my face.

Even though I lived those events and went through hard times and similar experiences with those people, they no longer have an obligation to be my friend due to work. I still want to be their friends and I would hope they still want to be mine but I don't know. I do know that the awkwardness is dragging and painful.

I joined the club and now I have to leave. It hurts!!!