Katy's Baptism

I don't know how to even put into words the events of today! I can guarantee the words I do use are going to be many because today has been Spiritual, amazing, outstanding and terrific.

Today Katy was baptized.

Katy has been and will always be an amazing example. She is born a little missionary. Today she talked to her cousins that have not been baptized (either by choice or due to age) and made sure to ask each of them to think about doing it.

The day started off totally chaotic! The people to open the church and start the font never showed up!!! So at 8:00 this morning I was frantically calling around trying to find and get in touch with someone who could help us. I finally was able to get in touch with President Walker and he drove over and opened up the church for us. Ben stayed at the church while the font was filled.

Once the font was filled Ben headed home where I was trying to bake cinnamon rolls, frost cinnamon rolls, get myself ready, get Katy ready, get Elyse ready, make sure all the milks were in the cooler and all the baptism stuff put in a pile to be loaded into the car once Ben got here. It was CRAZY!!

As we loaded up the car and drove the LONG way to the Stake Center (the quickest and fastest way was BLOCKED due to Midvale Harvest Days Parade) I was frazzled. I said a quick, silent prayer asking for me to have peace and help bring the Spirit and the peace that comes with the comforter.

When we got to the church I was SOOO grateful for the Spirit cause I would have burst into tears had I not had peace that it would be okay. We were doing a brunch before the baptism in the Stake Pavilion and the sprinklers were on DRENCHING that same place! I could NOT believe it. The Spirit brought peace and I simply told Ben and the girls we would go in and practice our song and come out in a few. It was only 9:30 and the Brunch was set to start at 10:00.

After practicing the song for a bit we went back out and water was still sprinkling around all except a few tables. People were starting to arrive and I had NO clue how I was going to feed the masses with no where to feed them. I made an executive decision and just started unloading the car full of food onto the few tables that were not getting drenched in water. I was so grateful for family members that were willing to laugh and roll with the punches as they dodged water sprays while filling their plate with food!

At about 10:45 I took Katy and Lyse into the church and changed Lyse into her dress and Katy into her baptismal suit. There are certain times as a mom that your heart is full...that was one of them! My heart was so full as I watched my girl walk around in her all white jump suit. What a HUGE day in her life this was.

The program was as follows:

Conducting: Brother Mike Peterson
Pianist: Sister Becca Staker
Chorister: Shaylece Smith

Opening Song: Army of Helaman
Opening Prayer: Shaylece Smith
Talk on Baptism: Debbie Hawker
Song: "A Child's Prayer" by Katy and Tauni Hawker (more on this later)
Talk on Holy Ghost: Launa Smith

Baptism of Katlynn Ivie Hawker by her dad Benjamin Dee Hawker
Witnesses: Kevin Whitear Smith & Duane Kummer

Primary Remarks by Becca Staker
Stake Primary Remarks by Karen Carin

Song: "I am a Child of God" by Katy, Elyse and their cousins

Bishopric Remarks by Bishop Grant Pullan

Closing Song: I Belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Closing Prayer: Erin Sare

Katy was the one that made all the decisions in regards to who was doing what and when. The only thing that we changed was Bart was unable to be at the baptism and so we asked my uncle Duane if he would be a witness. Both Bret and Jason were there but we didn't want them to feel left out when one was asked and the other was not...so we just went the neutral ground! :) The other thing I changed was Katy wanted her cousins to sing "Army of Helaman". I agreed up until Friday when I realized that Katy didn't know the words that well which meant each of the other kids would also struggle. I decided to just switch the opening song of "I am a child of God" with "Army of Helaman"...all the kids know "I am a child of God".

The talk by Debbie was wonderful and she did a great job of talking about baptism and the importance of it all. Once she was done, it was Katy and my turn to sing. As we got up, I could sense that Katy was nervous. I told her to hold my hand and if she needed help with her part to just squeeze and it would be ok! I was the one that needed her help in the end! She sang like a pro and it was GORGEOUS. That girl has a voice and it is beautiful!!! When it came to my part to sing I BARELY got the words "Pray He is there, Speak He" and I just lost it. I couldn't sing anymore. I tried but I was overcome with emotion.

I wish I could say what emotion it was exactly I just felt so many. My baby was being baptized, my baby had just sang beautifully, my baby was picking up and singing where I was struggling. All those things played a HUGE part. Another part was the Spirit. The Spirit was so strong! As I looked out on all the people in our lives that we love so much and their eyes were filled with tears, I lost it again completely! I tried to pull it together for the 3rd verse in which Katy sang "Heavenly Father are you Really there?" While I sang, "Pray He is there" but I just couldn't do it. My mom, sister and Ben all stepped in and helped. What amazing, supportive family I have!! Katy sang like I pro and I bawled like a baby while squeezing her hand.

Even while I write this I feel those emotions and I remember the Spirit. I KNOW our Father in Heaven was so proud of Katy and her decision to be baptized. The Spirit testified of that!

When I asked Ben to describe his experience while we were singing and his perspective on the baptism as a whole, he said,
"I don't know. It was pretty Spiritual. Katy was really cute with it. Katy was trying really hard but she made a couple mistake. She would forget where she was at and the only times you were able to get words out was when you were prompting her (this was during the 3rd verse). While baptizing her I was trying to get the words right (in English) and not translate them to Portuguese. It was a great experience. It was very special and it was touching. She was excited about it which made it a greater experience for me. I don't know but I felt a lot of love for that little girl."

After Katy was baptized I took her back into the dressing room and got her out of the cold, wet clothes (the font got cold fast I guess). Katy was freezing so I fixed her hair a bit while she was wrapped in the HUGE white towel my mom had given her. I got her dressed in her beautiful butterfly dress and then I gave her the special baptism necklace that Ben and I had purchased for her a few days before. She loved the necklace and put it on immediately.

We walked out and finished the program. All the cousins singing, "I am a child of God" was beautiful and touching! What sweet kids that I love with all my heart! Becca Staker got choked up as she mentioned the Spirit she had felt that day and how grateful she was to have felt that Spirit. She said 2 very specific times were: when Katy and I were singing and then when Katy was baptized. I would have to agree 100% with her on both of those! Those were the 2 times I felt the Spirit the VERY strongest...testifying to me the truthfulness of the gospel and the Happiness our Father in Heaven felt in the decisions Katy was and is making.

Bishop Pullan said a couple things about how wonderful Katy was. He challenged her to write down the day and to try and read her scriptures daily and then the meeting closed. It was VERY touching and very Spiritual. What a beautiful girl my Father in Heaven has blessed me with!

The hardest part of the day for me was balancing family, friends and helping Katy balance out the same! Everyone being there for my special girl and trying to make them all feel loved and welcome was more of a challenge than I originally thought it would be. I hope they all know how much I appreciate and love them! Today would not have been the same if we had not had such amazing family and friends to share it with!

Here is a list of all the people that came today: Ben (Dad), Tauni (Mom), Elyse, Grandpa Kevin Smith, Grandma Launa Smith, Grandma Debbie Hawker, Aunt Shay, Uncle Bret, Aunt Nat, Addison, Aunt Nanner (Jana), Uncle Darin, Brooklyn, Dustin, Uncle Jason, Aunt Hazel, Keira, Aunt Ethney, Kellie, Spencer, Isaac, Eric, Aunt Erin, Uncle Tony, Ethan, Oakley, Aunt Jan Kummer, Uncle Duane Kummer, Aunt LeAnn Smith, Andrea Brown, Andrew Brown, Hadley Brown, Audrey Jacobsen, Becca Staker, Morgan Staker, Karen Carin (stake primary pres.), Bro. Mike Peterson, Tami Peterson, Tanner Peterson, Alex Peterson, Sophie Peterson, Peyton Peterson, Bishop Grant Pullan and I know a couple more people snuck in but that was all I was able to get down on paper!

Katy was blessed with many gifts from many of the people. She got: a porcelain girl praying (Bret, Nat and Addie); $5 and a card (Aunt Jan and Uncle Duane); a necklace, bracelet, $40 and a book (Aunt LeAnn); A Jenny Phillips Book and CD (Audrey Jacobsen); Book of Mormon with picture from day of baptism (Karen Carin, stake Primary); CTR ring with birthstone (Grandma and Grandpa Smith); CTR ring, journal and Primary Song Book (Jason, Hazel and Keira) and then of course the necklace from Ben and I. Aunt LeAnn gave the same necklace so Katy went an exchanged the necklace from LeAnn for a mustard seed necklace (a mustard seed inside a glass/plastic casing put on a necklace). I am only writing what she got because I want to have a record of WHY these items are important! Katy is surrounded by people that LOVE and ADORE her! What a HUGE blessing she has been in so many lives, not just ours! I hope and pray she will always be the amazing example she has been thus far in her life!

Today Katy said after her baptism, "You know that feeling inside when you feel like you are going to cry but it isn't cause you are sad at all? I have that feeling today!" I think she summed it up perfectly!!!

And last but not least, an "I told you so" moment for me and overall just funny experience from the day. Ben mentioned he wished he had remembered to bring DRY garments for after. See the night before I asked him to put all his stuff he was taking in the pile with all the other clothes. He said no he would just get it in the morning to which I said I was afraid we would forget important stuff if we didn't get them in the pile. He was tired and so instead we went to bed and put off getting his stuff for the morning. Well as I mentioned above our morning was CRAZY - I didn't have time to even think about Ben's clothes so he grabbed everything as we ran out to the car...I figured it was all there. It wasn't! After baptizing Katy he wringed dry his garments and put back on the cold, wet ones. Poor guy...never did say I told you so - just didn't feel right at the time...HOWEVER totally gonna say it now ;)

Answered Prayers

Over and over lately I have gotten the feeling that I need to listen and have more faith in my promptings.

The Problem: I don't know what I am hearing!

I honestly do not know what I need to be listening to or what prompting I need to follow.

I asked Ben for a blessing. I have some health issues as well as my anxiety over everything going on.

In the blessing I was blessed to have Faith in the plan our Father in Heaven has for me. The problem is I don't know if there is the a new plan or if it is the original plan! I must say there is a gut feeling that says it is the original plan...I just need to be strong and have faith.

The other thing I was more told than blessed with is that my Father in Heaven was ALWAYS there for me, ready and waiting to assist me. It wasn't said but I felt as though I just needed to ask. I thought I had been asking but the way I was told made me realize I can't just cry HELP in my prayers and expect a full plan to be laid out before me. I need to take my life, dissect and observe then ask for help where it needs to be.

I realized that even more yesterday. I had $460. I had $960 in bills to figure out how to pay. Ben was beside himself. I was beside myself. Through our situation, I have tried DESPERATELY to not ask for helping paying our bills. I have tried and mostly succeeded in finding a way to take care of it all ourselves.

I was sick. Literally sick from the thought of actually having to go ask for money. I don't want to put someone else out. As we were driving in the car to pay the bills my heart was sinking; it sunk faster and faster as I watched Ben in despair as well. I offered a quick, quiet, VERY sincere and too the point prayer asking my Father in Heaven to PLEASE help me figure out a way to pay everything.

My bills all were paid and taken care of. I am walking away with $20 from the $460.

I can STRONGLY attest it was my prayer, it was my Father in Heaven; it was MY miracle!

As Ben finished up my blessing, my thoughts returned to my prayer from yesterday. I thought of how Heavenly Father had told me through the power of the priesthood that He was standing, waiting and willing to offer assistance to me.

My heart is full. I KNOW our Father in Heaven lives. I KNOW He watches over us. He is ready, willing and waiting...we just have to go to him with our precise problems. Every small thing is seen by Him. He is aware but just wants us to be aware and willing to ask!

I learned a lesson today! Just like I would have to ask my earthly father or father-in-law if we needed help, I need to ask my Heavenly Father. I can't go to my dad and say, "I need help." He would need me to tell him what I need help with, I would have to open up to him. Honestly, praying for specific things has been treated the same by me as going to my dad and saying, "I need help paying my mortgage". Although I must say - it is in MANY ways much easier!

I can't use the blanket statement of "we need help" any longer. Stating in prayers, "You know our situation. You know we need help. Please help us." Is NOT enough. I need to ponder and pray specifically and just like yesterday he will pour out the blessings from Heaven and respond to me. I need to be willing to pour out my soul and not just say, "You know what is going on, we need help". He wants me to counsel with him. I need that counsel with him.

I am soooo grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me! I am so grateful to know he is aware of me and my situation. I am grateful I get to pray to him.

Being more specific and focused in prayers is my goal. Ponder, specify and listen along with the kneeling and praying are needed.

Honestly I can say (even with everything going on in our lives)...Life is Good!

I Love My Calling!

Primary is THE. BEST. CALLING. EVER! I mean seriously...there is no other calling in the church in which you have innocent, amazing comments that just stun, amaze and bring tears from laughter!

Today was just one of those days!

First:

During singing time the chorister, Sister Purdie, asked the children "What did Jesus do?". The first response we all heard was, "He got screwed" we all blinked and Sister Purdie looked a bit like Deer in the Headlights. Sister Purdie responded, "He what?!?" and once again the presidency in the back hears the child's response, "He got screwed". All the Presidency is now FULLY curious in WHO was saying this as understanding crossed all our minds and Sister Purdie said, "Oh you mean the nails? He was crucified." "Uh YA!" was the response...like what else would I mean.

The presidency in the back as well as the teachers and pianist were all laughing so hard tears were streaming from our eyes! We then questioned WHO had said the comment. I let that go as I walked to the front to teach sharing time.

The lesson was going well and our sweet, ACTIVE, you can't change me and get me to conform Alexis stands up and walks up to me. I am rather used to this and continued the lesson. As I did this she grabbed my dressed and FLASHED the entire Primary. I grabbed my skirt back down and just stood there. I was blushing beet red, laughing from lack of knowing what to do and honestly just completely shocked. I kept looking at Brother Jensen thinking, "PLEASE oh PLEASE don't have been paying attention in that brief moment!"

I was also VERY thankful for garments and that they cover so well! I was even more grateful that I have lost weight. 1 year ago I didn't wear just below the knee dresses but if I had I would have been EXTREMELY mortified at the situation. I was glad I could just laugh it off!

After Sharing time was over, the Primary President walked up to me and said, "By the way, I thought I would let you know...Lyse was the one who made those comments!" Great! It was MY child!!

Now for the last bit...weight! Today was a momentous occasion in regards to my weight. This morning I stepped on the Wii Fit. I honestly didn't think I had lost much so when I saw the weight that had dropped off, I was in shock and awe!

I have now officially lost more weight than I currently weigh! My weight this morning was 149.5! I am sooo super de duper excited. I had the surgery 1 year ago on July 1st so in 1 year I have lost 150.4 pounds!

And the last announcement: I purchased a new pair of capris...since I only had 1 pair of pants that truly fit me. I grabbed to sizes...one was the hopeful, one was what I thought was the accurate. I was wrong! My hopeful jeans fit me PERFECTLY...and every pair of jeans I tried on were all the same size: size 8!

It honestly feels so great. I feel like me again. I am soooo grateful for the wonderful AMAZING blessing the Lord blessed me with in having my surgery. Even Ben commented the other day that I am more like the woman he married in the beginning: carefree, fun and outgoing. I like being that person a LOT more! I would also hope he could add that I understand life a bit more, I am a little less judgmental and I try harder to be the person Heavenly Father and Christ wants me to be. I know this may sound horrible and bad but honestly with my weight, I lost sight of a lot of that. My weight depressed and drag me down so I was so unhappy that I didn't have the capacity to feel the Spirit as I do now. I am SOOO Grateful for the change!! I am grateful that I can more easily express how I feel on the inside outwardly...and that helps me to feel even better on the inside.

My life is TRULY blessed!

P.S. I know several readers of my blog know me in real life. I know some are family, friends, ward members, etc. I know I talk about my gastric bypass on here a lot and I am NOT embarrassed by it...but I still struggle with it in "the open", the real world. I honestly fear that some are reading this than talking behind my back about it. I still fear those around judge. I can logically see it doesn't but I do get scared and afraid you think I am horrid and stupid for my choice. Please know that if you start to talk to me about it, I am not ignoring you! I am just trying to get used to the fact that my fears are much worse than reality! Thanks Love ya all!!

Priesthood Power

I am so grateful for living Prophets and Apostles! I can not name the number of times over the last 6 months in which I have read or heard a full or part of a talk by one of those GREAT men in which the talk was written for ME! I swear to you...I think Heavenly Father had me in mind when helping them prepare their talks!

I am so grateful for the Priesthood and having that here on this earth! To have a living prophet here on this earth, to have apostles...all these things are amazing blessings that are so EASY to take advantage of!

I know that my Father in Heaven loves me! I know that He is watching over me! I can not even express in words (verbally or written) the Love, gratitude, appreciation, respect, etc. I have for my Father in Heaven!

When I look at the amazing men in my life: my husband, my father, my father in law, my bishop and all other church leaders...I see a glimpse of who Heavenly Father truly is! Each of these men are loving, caring, guiding and enduring. Each of these men have compassion. Each of these men hold the Priesthood of our Father in Heaven and use it with dignity.

I am so grateful to a Father in Heaven that allows me these "glimpses" of who He is and in turn shows me who I can become!

Trials are sooo hard but the blessings that come from them are so deep and rich that I could and would NEVER trade them (although I would like to add, I hope I have learned what I needed from this and can we please have the business provide the income we need now).

My Testimony

In December Ben lost his job the week before Christmas. I was devastated. He was devastated. It was a REALLY hard time on us. A month later and still no job, we both had a feeling that we needed to look in the Washington DC area for a job for him. While we were searching and applying for jobs, we got a distinct feeling we needed to GO to DC for a job.

Making the decision to go was NOT an easy one. Being winter time, unemployed and trying to keep as much in savings as we could, it wasn't exactly the prime time to drive across the country. There was constant doubt of "what if's" a million miles long. We made the decision we would go and the Lord would bless us. I was TERRIFIED!

As we loaded up the car with a cooler, clothes and the girls, I had serious thoughts that we were just crazy. Once we were on the road, I pulled out my scriptures and we would read and discuss. Over and over again the story of Abraham and Isaac kept coming to my mind. I also had many close friends that I talked to along the way and each would bring up that exact story without me even mentioning it. I was moved by the faith of Abraham and his trusting in knowing it was the Spirit of the Lord speaking to him. I hate to admit it but I personally was struggling with "is this really the Spirit" questions.

The second day on the road, after we stopped at Winter Quarters, I felt very compelled to turn to 3 Nephi chapter 13. Verse 31 through part of 34 really hit me.

It says,
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.

As I read this, the Spirit confirmed to me that we were doing what our Father in Heaven wanted. That moment in the car with Ben and my children was one of the most spiritual moments of my life. I KNEW that our Father in Heaven was in control of our situation, He was directing us, He was aware of us and that He was going to take care of us.

Ben didn't get a job but our trip to Washington DC was anything but wasted. We were and are continually blessed. Our family was able to spend time together and we were able to talk to our children a lot about the gospel, the pioneers and share our testimonies with them. For me personally, I gained an undeniable testimony that our Father in Heaven is very personally aware of our lives and the struggles we face. My testimony was strengthened in the Spirit's whisperings and that following them is never a waste, even if you don't gain what you think you should out of the experience. Whenever I start to stress or worry, my memories of that scripture will overcome me and I am reminded that our Father in Heaven is completely aware of us. And even though I am not physically present I feel as though I should end this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

DC Continued

I want to try and type the rest of the trip in this one post. It isn't going to happen but in many ways I wish I could get it all to fit. The trip seemed to go so fast but I learned so much!

Friday morning we woke up in Ohio. We got in the car and drove. We drove and drove. We had some really pretty scenery (been a while since we had that). We drove through the Appalachian Mountains. Those are some pretty awesome sites! We all kept commenting how awesome it would be to drive through those same mountains in the spring, summer and fall...when the leaves were blooming, bloomed and changing colors.

We pulled into Washington D.C. later that night. I had talked to my sister on the phone and she got us some rooms on Priceline for a decent price. We had 4 nights in the same place, a place to call home for a few days.

The girls were sad that we didn't have a pool in the room but THRILLED when they saw the room and how beautiful it was. We were at the Hyatt. I just LOVE the Hyatt Hotel Chain. I have NEVER stayed at one and not just loved the entire time I am there!!!

Friday was the first fight of the trip. The girls were done. I was so glad we were almost to DC. The girls were AMAZING troopers and considering it took them until the middle of the 3rd day driving to have their first fight, I am amazed! They are amazing!!!!

After arriving in DC we got our first warm meal in what seemed like days. We had been eating out of the cooler most of the time and honestly that wears on ya! We went to Papa Razzi's. It was good but definitely not as good as the first time I remember eating there.

Being in DC felt good. I was scared because I didn't know the future. I was excited because I knew that the next 4 days I had a place to stay and call home.

That night I slept really good. As I knelt in prayer and asked what should be done I felt a peace that the next day, Saturday, was a family day. When I got up the next morning and prayed again, same answer, I was excited to spend a day seeing the sites.

We slept in, ate breakfast then walked to the Metro station next door. I am always amazed at how CLEAN DC keeps their Metro. The Rosalyn Station is the station I have been to the most...probably cause each time I have been to DC since being married we have stayed in Rosalyn, Virginia...just across the Potomac from DC.

The day was a BEAUTIFUL day and we had so much fun. Honestly, that was probably the best day for family fun the entire trip. I was at ease. I struggle not knowing the future. I love having a plan. To be in a foreign, expensive city with no job, no plan...only know Ben was supposed to look for a job and that we were supposed to be there...that was HARD!

We walked the "Mall" of DC that day. Taking time to stop at each monument. I wish we had taken the time to stop at one or 2 museums but honestly we just didn't.

As the day drew to a close we headed back to our room. I had a compelling desire to go to the temple. We got in the car and drove. As we were driving, the most beautiful pull out appeared. The pull out let you see over the Potomac into Georgetown. We pulled off the Freeway for a minute to take in the scene...let the girls enjoy the surroundings.

We got back into the car and a few minutes later we were almost to the temple. The DC temple is surrounded by beautiful trees and rolling hills. We went to the visitors center first. We listened to a small excerpt on Christ. I held back tears. Once again I felt peace, I felt the same I had when at Winter Quarters. I felt the Spirit.

The sister missionaries, especially one Sister Crowfoot, came and talked with us. After walking around the visitors center for a while the girls needed to go to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, Sister Crowfoot went and talked to Ben. She found out our situation...and the Spirit spoke to her for her to know EXACTLY what I needed.

After we left the bathroom, she took us down the stairs to a little area. There was a kiosk type thing with pictures of all the 12 Apostles and First Presidency. She played a couple small excerpts of different talks by different men. As each played I thought, "How did she know I needed to hear this". Each talked about the journey of life and how we need to be prepared for it Spiritually cause we never know what will happen physically.

While drying my tears we walked back up the stairs and outside to the temple. The lights were on and the temple shone. Our family walked out onto the temple grounds. Katy wanted to take pictures and we stopped to let her take some pictures. She was soooo excited to be at the temple. I am ALWAYS amazed at children and how they are drawn to holy places! Katy oohed and awed at the temple. Lyse did too but she walked off with Ben so I wasn't there to really talk to her much.

As we were walking some deer suddenly appeared. The were right there, next to the temple. We tried desperately to get a picture but it was just too dark and the little camera wasn't enough.

We walked around the temple, the girls excited and Ben and I chatted. I don't really remember all we chatted about, I just remember how happy and complete I felt walking around that sacred building while holding my sweethearts hand and watching our children ahead of us. I felt the desire to be in the temple but honestly I knew it wasn't meant to be right then...no temple clothes, no babysitter, etc.

Saturday ended and it was honestly a beautiful day. It was a perfect day. We felt the spirit of our nation, the spirit of freedom as we walked the grounds of the Mall area and then even more importantly we felt the Spirit of our Father in Heaven as we walked the grounds of the temple. I am sooo grateful to live in this nation, to have the freedoms we have. I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who inspired men to sacrifice so much so we could be blessed with so much.

Sunday while I wish I could say was an amazing day...it wasn't. I was not as kind to my family as I wished I would have been. Sunday was probably the HARDEST of all the days. Sunday was a day I felt like I was the worst person in the world. Sunday was also the day that I kept feeling what we needed to do, none of it making sense and instead of following happily, I begrudged, fought and got frustrated.

Sunday I was a horrible mom to Lyse. Lyse went into meltdown. Honestly, who can blame her! We had been on the road for 3 days the site seeing all day the next day. We hadn't caught up on sleep, we hadn't had any "relax" time in which we just sat in the room and watched some TV.

Sunday morning I woke up early. I prayed and felt we needed to go get tickets to go into the Washington Monument. It was 7:00 and I got up and dressed. I was going to just drive myself, get the tickets and come back. As I was getting ready I had a strong impression that I needed to get the family up to go with me and take the laptop.

I woke Ben up and everyone quickly got dressed. The day outside was gloomy, rainy (down pouring is more like it) and honestly I felt so down and out I want to cry even thinking of it now. We got our tickets to go to the top of the monument and we headed to see if we could get some internet. We found a cute little cafe that was also a free wireless hot spot. Since we rushed out the door and didn't grab breakfast, the girls were starving. We went and got them a little something and set up on a table for a few minutes.

This is where Lyse had her melt down that continued for an hour. At the end of the hour, I had my melt down. The melt down started when we walked in the pastry cafe and the girls saw all the yummy, delicious morning treats. Katy carefully looked over her choices as Lyse grabbed the first one she saw. A few minutes later she saw another one she wanted but since she had already TOUCHED and grabbed the other one, she couldn't have the second one.

Honestly you would have thought I was starving the child. I ended up being a bad parent and purchased the second item too in order to try and stop the melt down...it didn't work. After we left the cafe and headed to the monument to go inside, Lyse continued her fit. It didn't stop...over and over and over she cried and whined. I hit my max and lost it. We were late to the monument and I was sure we weren't going to make it. Lyse wouldn't stop crying and then refused to get out of the car. I was no longer a nice mommy. I was mean. I am thankful that Ben was there...I am thankful I am not a single parent.

From there it just seemed to fall apart, unravel. I questioned why we had come to Washington DC, I questioned why Ben had to loose his job. I had many many doubting questions and didn't want to allow the peace of the Spirit to help me. The wait in the line for the monument was cold and wet physically...spiritually I felt dead.

Why were we sent here? Where was this job? When were we going to feel the prompting, "Be here and be here now" that we BOTH felt was going to happen. I had woken up that morning feeling like, "today will be the day". I felt like the Washington Monument was where we were supposed to be. I felt like the little cafe was where we were supposed to end up...the internet a life saver. Why had it all fallen apart there?

Looking back I think if I had handled the situation better, there would have been a whole different outcome of that day and experience. I think it could have been a VERY spiritual experience for me. I should have taken the time to talk to Lyse instead of just telling her we didn't have the money for both (which I ended up getting in the end anyway). Looking back if I had been a better mom...if I had not worried as much about money as I did about...there are a lot of if's looking back!

Washington DC - Part 2 (see I knew I would need more than just part 1 ;) )

The funny thing about trying to do the right thing and listen to the Spirit (some call it following your gut)...if it sounds like an odd or weird thing, people (particularly parents) seem to not like it and freak a bit.

My parents didn't really like our "Washington DC" journey. While they tried to be supportive (well my dad did) it was nerve racking. My mom started calling about 2 hours after we were on the road, in Wyoming just past Evanston.

This was the HARDEST thing for me!!! Honestly I love my mom to death and she is the most amazing woman. The problem was when she called she would say things like, "Well no one will think any less of you guys if you just turn around and come back home" or "You aren't really that far, you can turn around and be home before night and not have to get a hotel room".

I was already struggling. I was questioning and doubting. Why on earth was my Father in Heaven sending me across the United States. What was there? Were we going to move there? Was there a job Ben would find there? What was the reasoning behind this? Why were we being asked to spend money when we needed to SAVE money?

I am not stupid. I really doubted myself and what I was doing but at the same time I knew that the Lord had a bigger plan for me and I needed to follow it. Much of the time spent in the car, Ben and I were reading scriptures out loud. We were both drawn to church history and spent a LOT of time reading Doctrine and Covenants.

The first day we drove to Nebraska. We stopped in a small little town called, Grand Island, Nebraska. We stayed in a little Motel 6 off to the side of I-80. As we pulled into the motel parking lot, we were all exhausted and READY for bed. We carried the girls in. When we got to our beds, we called Ben's parents. Bart was awesome and told us the aviation history of Grand Island. It was the stopping point for people flying from East to West when planes couldn't go across the continent non-stop.

That night we knelt and said our prayer and I felt a STRONG desire and pull to go to Nauvoo. I told Ben and he said he would think about it. We both still felt an urgency to get to DC but I also felt this pull that I had to do!

The next morning we were a bit slow to get up and moving. We let the girls take a bath in their swimming suits for about 20-30 minutes. It had been a 13 hour day driving the day before and we didn't want to wake them and push them back into the car.

While the girls bathed, Ben and I once again talked about Nauvoo. He felt like it just might be what we needed too. We got the information from the phone and found that we had to head the same path to Nauvoo as we did to Washington D.C.

Once we got loaded in the car, we pulled out the scriptures and once again delved into the Church History of Doctrine and Covenants. As we were reading, we realized that winter quarters was only a short distance from where we were. We typed in all the information and about 20 minutes later we were at Winter Quarters.

Even writing this now, I feel that peace. As we drove up to the temple and past the cemetery, my soul delighted. I felt a reverence for the things those pioneers had accomplished and sacrificed. They had left their homes, they had lost EVERYTHING. How on earth could I think my life was in ruins when all that had been lost was my husband's job?

As we watched the movie in the visitors center, my heart was heavy. I had sacrificed so little compared to these saints. They had buried their children. Some children had buried their parents. They walked away from homes that were barely finished in Nauvoo. They did all this to follow the will of the Lord. I was not being asked to walk away from my home, I was being asked to drive to Washington D.C. I wasn't being asked to bury my baby and walk away from the grave, I was bringing my beautiful healthy children on an adventure.

As the tears poured down my face, the Spirit uplifted me and confirmed I WAS listening to the Spirit, I was following what the Lord was asking of me. Honestly the hardest part and biggest doubt was brought to me by my parents and the fear that I wasn't doing what they wanted me to do. Listening to the Lord while going against what my parents wanted was VERY hard. I had been taught and raised that you follow the Lord no matter what but you also need to honor and follow your parents. I have never even considered that a time in my life would come in which the Lord's plan would go against what my parents wanted.

In that moment as I finished watching the movie, in which families separated and children chose to follow the Lord's plan, even though their parents advised against them leaving and going West, I KNEW that the reason the Lord had guided me towards Nauvoo was so that I would find Winter Quarters in Omaha, Nebraska. The Lord had a plan for me and I had to listen to the Spirit, I had to follow that even if I didn't understand why.

Winter Quarters will always hold a sacred spot in my heart. My testimony grew leaps and bounds. I learned that following the Spirit isn't easy. Sometimes we end up walking in 7 miles of mud. In the end, even if we loose it all, as long as we have the Spirit of the Lord, we will be OK.

The missionaries in Winter Quarters were amazing. Our girls got to pull a handcart, dress up as pioneers and many other things. Lyse LOVED the wood block hand carts that they had to "pack" their little wagons full of the blocks and make it all fit.

I had a lot of time to think about my spiritual wagon and what I was putting in it. I realized I had to empty some of the temporal things in order to make room for more spiritual items.

After touring the visitor center, we walked across the street to the cemetery. We didn't stay there long though. After all, it was January in Nebraska and on top of that, they had just recently had a record breaking snowfall that left a LOT of snow on the ground. There wasn't much we could see in the cemetery other than the statue.

As we loaded up in the car, both Ben and I felt as though our desire for Nauvoo was to bring us to Winter Quarters and it was time to head towards Washington D.C. again. Since we weren't really even off the beaten path, we got back onto I-80 and headed out. I don't recall many things other than pointing out the Missouri River and Mississippi River to the girls. We did find a Buffalo Wild Wings and we stopped there to eat dinner.

Chicago was the next big city and it was nightfall long before we were even close to it. I would have LOVED to see Chicago during the day. The city was so bright we saw it far before we arrived there. The roads were confusing and we did loose our way momentarily. We saw the giant great lake off to our left as we cruised on into Indiana.

The second day of travel took us through many states! We went through Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana and we slept in a small town in Ohio; it was on the border of Indiana and Ohio.

Washington D.C. (I am sure there will be many parts to this...so I will call this part 1 but if not then this wasn't needed I guess :)

Washington D.C. kept calling me. Seriously I kept having the feeling over and over that I needed to be there. It was a stupid feeling, one that I was sure that was just an "eventual" ending.

Nope...it was immediate and maybe crazy but definitely not stupid. Inspiration from the Lord is NEVER stupid. I just didn't realize it until 10:00 at night on a Monday in January. To be specific it was Monday, January 11, 2010. Ben had been unemployed for almost 1 month.

I was out with some of my best girl friends. I discussed with them how I kept feeling prompted and driven to go to Washington. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Washington D.C. It just isn't the place you head when your husband has lost his job and you have no income coming in. Basically you try and stay home and hold onto any cash you can so you can pay your bills at that point. Well that is what I thought logically.

My wise friend said to me, "Tauni go. Go now. If you are feeling prompted, follow that prompting. Go home, pray with Ben. If it is right, get in the car and drive." Her words rang in my ears and ran straight to my heart. I KNEW what she was saying was exactly what the Lord had been telling me but hearing it said out loud was a WHOLE new experience.

I think Ben thought I had seriously taken some crazy pills and fallen off the wagon when I walked in the door. As I told him of my promptings and that we needed to pray about it, tears poured from my eyes.

The prayer was one of the most powerful prayers I have ever been apart of. The Spirit pierced my soul and the answer of "Leave NOW" radiated through my soul. When the prayer was finished, Ben turned to me and said, "We need to get ready and we need to go". I was terrified.

In our kitchen cupboard, in a silly little mug, I had been hoarding money.

December 18, 2009 Ben was officially fired from the FAA. Christmas was a bleak week away. Luckily, everything had already been purchased and we had kept it small. Even with all that I was still nervous. At Christmas, my parents and in-laws had both been greatly inspired to give cash. The Lord is AMAZING. He prepares us for situations even before we know we will have them. All our Christmas cash was squirreled away in that silly little mug.

As my mind was reeling on why the Lord would ask us to go to Washington D.C., I thought of our little mug with just over a thousand dollars in it. Grateful that I hadn't spent any of the money on wants, I went and pulled out the cash. Carefully counting again the sum came to $1,120.

It was late and I started to wonder if my feelings of inspiration were really just feelings of desire for vacation and need to get away added with fatigue. Ben and I went to bed for the night.

I didn't sleep much. Many times in the night I would pray again to my Father in Heaven asking him if we were to go to Washington D.C. Once again I would get the overwhelming warmth and feeling...yes, go and go now!

I think the ONLY thing that helped me really understand that feeling was the week before the experience Ben and I had at the temple. It was a rushed session for us but one filled with the Spirit. As we pulled out into the snowy streets after the session, racing to get the kids from the babysitter who had other commitments, we both walked away knowing something BIG was coming and coming soon.

This was it...this was our something BIG and we both knew it.

The next day was a rush and blur. We went to my parents and informed them, we went to Ben's parents and informed them. I called the school and got Katy on educational leave. We finished laundry and packing.

The biggest concern we had: we didn't have a time frame. We had NO clue of knowing how long we were to be gone. This was NOT a planned vacation. We had high hopes that this was our future, Ben's new career.

Looking back now I can DEFINITELY see how it got us to where we are now and how this was the best journey we ever took. I just wish I could have been more at ease and less on edge. If i had known then what I know now...I would like to think I would but honestly I don't know. It was a learning experience for me!

Wednesday morning, January 13, we finished packing up and headed out the door on a long drive and adventure across the United States of America. The girls were excited.Ben and I were scared, hopeful, prayerful and everything else.


We were in Wyoming when phone calls started coming in.