Failures as a mother

I have been struggling. Ben even asked if I needed to go to the Dr. and get some anti-depression meds.

I watch our savings go to nothing and anxiety fills my body. Seriously, I am at a breaking point. Last night I SWORE I was done...done with everything. Today I woke up sad but able (not ready) but able to live again.

Yes I know finances aren't everything. I just feel like a failure.

Thursday night we were driving to Kohl's to meet my parents and Katy (in a VERY excited voice says, "Guess what mom? You don't need a house to get books from the library, all you need is a card. So if we don't get money and we loose our house we can still get free books from the library."

My heart broke into a million piece right then and there! My beautiful wonderful almost 8 year old is carrying around on her shoulders the worries of an adult and it isn't fair. I felt like a complete FAILURE as a mother!!! I have tried to guard and shield them from this as much as I can; while at the same time I am having to be honest and truthful with them, especially in regards to not having extra money for this and that.

I have not guarded and hid my fears deep enough from them. I know I have broken down a couple times and I try to hide it from them but they still notice. Katy hasn't been mentioning the fear of loosing our house or anything so I thought I was doing ok. That little paragraph she spoke to me made me realize she still worried...she just didn't tell me cause she didn't want me to worry about her.

I failed my Katybug! That kills me more than anything. So last night my break down and today's BLAH had a reason - I failed at protecting my daughter...instead she felt like she needed to protect me! It is NOT fair that she is faced with this and even has a reason to worry. It is NOT fair I didn't protect her more. It kills me!

So today I decided I needed to start over...I needed to recharge and refresh. I decided even though I had ZERO desire to go to the Temple, I would. I got Ben's pants out and hemmed and ironed them. I got a babysitter arranged. I got an appointment at the Oquirrih Mountain Temple. It was going to work - I was going to force it to.

Lyse had been sent to bed cause she wouldn't stop crying...I figured she needed a nap. She complained of a stomach ache before going to bed and when I went upstairs to wake her up so we could go to the temple she was BURNING up. I called Ben in and went and got the thermometer.

103 F.

I checked again - same answer. We got the shower running, put her in to help cool her off and then called the doctor. Complaining horrible and very suddenly of a stomach ache and then shortly thereafter have a fever had me very concerned. It concerned the doctors office too - I was told to take her to the ER.

Since we didn't have any Motrin or Tylenol in the house and had been told to take her to the ER, we headed immediately to the ER. Poor thing was not feeling well and cried the entire way there, the entire 5 minutes we were in the waiting room and then continued to cry for the next 3 hours. They tried to give her popsicles, they tried to give her pain reliever...we tried to give her popsicles, we tried to give her pain reliever. NONE of it worked. She wanted nothing to do with any of it.

When the easy answer of strep came back negative, the informed us they HAD to put in an IV, get some blood and do other tests. Lyse was NOT happy about the IV being put in. I held her on my lap, Ben held her as well. The nurse brought in what she called the "enforcement" a young, buff orderly. All 4 of us tried desperately to hold down Lyse, the 5 year old. She bawled. I bawled. My baby was sick, in pain and now we were inflicting more pain. My heart broke! I think I cried harder than she did! Nothing hurts more than holding your daughter down as she is in agony. NOTHING!!

During the process, Lyse knocked the nurse and needle and well lets just say LOTS of blood poured out. Unfortunately, that blood poured out onto my pants :( They are my favorite pants and DANG cute. Hopefully the blood will all come out. If not...oh well!

Once the IV was set, they gave Lyse some morphine. Once the morphine kicked in, Lyse for the first time in HOURS stopped crying. She allowed us to give her pain meds, she allowed us to get a urine sample. She ate a popsicle and then asked for more. Bart and Debbie came and Lyse played with their iphones.

Lyse was diagnosed with a UTI for sure. They are questioning if the UTI had moved to the kidneys. They also still wondered about the appendicitis, so we get to go back to the ER in the morning for a recheck and more antibiotics. The doctor wanted to leave the IV in over night but Ben was rather uncomfortable with that, so they did remove that. In the morning, she will either have to have a shot or have another IV or best case scenerio we can just get some oral meds...I am hoping for oral meds!

As the amazing sweet nurse removed Lyse's IV Lyse said to her, "That medicine you gave me took away all the pain...I didn't feel ANYTHING". The nurse smiled and chuckled and said, "Ya it will do that!" Lyse mentioned SEVERAL times how much she loved that morphine. Gotta watch that girl! :)

Tonight we are home and I am grateful. I know that the blessing Ben gave Lyse is the reason we are not checked into the hospital and sleeping there tonight. Even though I didn't get the temple, my priorities are back in order. My family is all that truly matters. Yes the other stuff DOES matter and is stressful but in the end I need to be a better mom at protecting Lyse and Katy from that yucky stuff and helping them enjoy the amazing stuff!

I am grateful to have 2 sleeping girls upstairs. I am grateful for a husband that holds the priesthood. I am grateful for my family!

Just Some Pictures I Love

These are some of my favorite pictures. Some may already be in here in the hikes...but I think most of these ones got left out and I wanted to still share them!

Summer Nights and Old School Games - pictures updated!!

This summer we have spent a LOT of time outside. I. LOVE. IT.

It has been a lot of fun enjoying the outdoors, the cool summer nights, family and friends.

On Saturday July 3rd we went to Bart and Debbie's for a bit. It was wonderful letting the girls play with their cousins. They sure love them.

Ben decided to start up a game of Red Rover...the kids LOVED it!

Last week, Tuesday July 6th to be exact, we had a party at my parents house. It was my dad's 59th birthday and we were also celebrating him Retiring from working for GE for the last 31 years!!! My dad is now officially a free agent and I think he is already running out of things to do!

It was a fun night filled with summer time fun. Earlier in the day we went over to my parents to help set up the pool. The pool they had set up was leaking so they purchased a new one. We were pumping water from the one pool to the other to save some water. Well we decided the pool was full enough and cut the pool underneath. The water underneath whooshed the pool on top away with all of us in it. My mom did some impromptu body surfing while screaming, "Hold the pool up, hold the pool up". All the grandkids on the opposite end tried desperately to do what she had asked...while also being washed away. Girls on the other side of the fence started to scream as water suddenly rushed towards them. It was quite the adventure!! I still laugh even thinking about it!


Because of our adventures earlier in the day, the pool water was quite cold so swimming didn't last long. The kids enjoyed the fun deck but quickly moved to the front yard.

Bret purchased an AWESOME firework to commemorate dad's retirement.



After watching the firework and talking some, we started a fun old school game --- Red Rover!




Oh my how much fun we all had! Dad and Mom even joined in with us. It was fun watching the kids eyes light up as we decided for Uncle Bret, Nanner, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, etc. to come on over.

Honestly...it was a perfect night! I hope the kids remember that night because honestly it was just amazing playing "Red Rover" with my parents. Honestly, that is the first time in my 30 years that I remember playing Red Rover with my parents! I am super sad I didn't have my camera!!! I am hoping that I can bum some of the pics from Natalie cause honestly it was so fun and amazing!!

To finish off a fun filled day, this last Saturday after our hike we had a fun neighborhood family BBQ at a friends house (the Petersen's). It was so much fun chatting, eating and chatting (did I say chatting twice?!?) with many friends from the ward.

While I love so much the opportunities we have had...I truly hope and pray one day we can have a backyard that we can fully love and enjoy on summer nights! Until then I am just going to enjoy everyone else's backyard and hospitality to the fullest!!!

Last but not least...Saturday night when we got home after the BBQ, the girls were BEAT but didn't want to go to bed. They kept stalling and making up this or that. Finally they started asking, "Can we sleep in your bed" to which I replied "NO!" I needed some sleep after that hike and if they were in there that wasn't going to happen. A few minutes later they yelled down, "Can Katy sleep in Lyse's bed?" to which Ben responded "Yes!"

When I went upstairs for the night and went into their room to make sure all was well in there before going to bed myself, this is what I found:Doesn't that just make your heart melt! Man, I love my girls!!!




After note: Shadow is an integrated part of Mom and Dad's house. The kids absolutely LOVE and ADORE Shadow - and she feels the same for them. She runs and plays with them and when they call her it is seconds before she is at their side. Shadow has started to get REALLY old so I wanted to make sure to get her in here! She is well loved!!!

Shadow's favorite part of summer is the pond. As SOON as that pond is up and running for the season - she is out playing it in!! She loves to climb in the bottom pool and chase the fish.

This summer she also liked to climb out of the pond and if Ben was anywhere near her - go and shake her wet body ALL over him! He has been LESS than thrilled. We still love her though!!

Our Hikes Part 2

4th Hike of the Season

This was the biggest hike we have hiked to this point. We did it this last Saturday, July 10. It was fun and different because we hiked it with some friends, The Staker Family. It was a TON of fun!The hike we did was once again near Silver Lake up Big Cottonwood Canyon...it was the Lake Mary, Martha and Catherin hike!

This hike was amazing. We started out the morning cleaning the church building then driving up the canyon and meeting the Stakers in the Brighton Ski Resort parking lot. This hike goes up under ski lifts for the first bit. You climb and change elevation over 1100 feetwhile doing this hike and it is WELL worth it! ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! I would have to say it was probably my favorite so far out of all the hikes.

Lyse struggled up the first bit of the mountain but once she knew we needed her to translate the birds she was much better. I wish I had the ability to put in words the awe, amazement and wonder that is beheld going up to and at Lake Mary, Martha and Catherine. Serenity would be one good word but even that isn't enough.

We hiked through fields with flowers and trails still covered in snow. There was mud and streamlets crossing our path. Everything perfect for an outdoor adventure hike. Seriously, I LOVED it!

After hiking to Lake Catherine, we skipped some rocks than sat down near the lake and ate a fun picnic lunch. An ant crawled in Katy's pants and started to bite her so we then spent a few minutes locating and fixing our little ant problem. The entire time I kept saying, "Katy has ants in her pants and it is making her do the boogie dance"...she did NOT appreciate that one. Probably wasn't being the nicest mom but was trying to make her laugh and smile instead of cry.

There was a hill covered in snow that on the way up Ben had promised Lyse he would take her sledding down when we walked back. There was actually a LOT of hills covered in snow but when we reached that one, Ben fulfilled his promised. Katy at first didn't have the desire to go but once she saw Ben and Lyse up there she decided to join them. It did look like a LOT of fun. The blanket they rode down on even survived the sledding trip. Lyse and Katy want to hike there again just so they can go sledding again in July!

The hike down seemed to go so quickly. We did stop at Lake Mary long enough for the kids to throw in some rocks and then we did the "500 feet" detour to Dogg Lake - should say Dogg Swamp.

The hike took us about 4 1/2 hours, it was about 4 miles and as I said earlier you change elevation of over 1100 feet (a lot of it during the first bit). It was an AMAZING hike and a great day with great friends.

This hike you can backpack in and spend the night and you can also hike up to Albion basin and hike over into Little Cottonwood Canyon. To do that would be another mile or so. We are planning on doing that this year as well!


Tonight we did go up Little Cottonwood Canyon to see some Mountain Goats. We didn't see goats but we did however see a bull, cow and calf moose family all together! Now that was an amazing site and something that you don't see every day!!!! No real hiking occurred but we did walk the Quarry Trail at the base of the mountain.



So that is our Journeys up the mountains thus far. I am hoping we can add at least this many more gorgeous hiking trips before the summer is over!

Our Hikes Part 1

I decided that I needed to write specifically about the fun hikes our family has went on and enjoyed recently.

1st Hike of the Season

We started out with Donut Falls in June. I can't remember if it was the 19th or 26th of June (I am leaning towards the 19th). We had to wait that long cause June was just soooo cold and wet in the beginning.

Donut falls was a blast. The kids loved it.

We loved it. As we were driving up, we saw a moose and her calf in the swamps off the side of the road. We pulled over and took some pictures. It was so fun and amazing to experience wildlife like that only 20 minutes from our home.

The hike to donut falls is not really a hike...it is a nice little saunter through the woods. The girls

Preview

loved it. When we got to the water, we found that the donut part had actually collapsed. We climbed along the side (probably more than we should have with a 5 and 7 year old) and had a blast. The water was cold and rushing so we were careful, especially with the girls.

The hike took us about 2 hours but most of that was playing in the water. The overall length was about 1.5 miles round trip.












2nd Hike of the Season

This hike was to Ensign Peak. We went on June 30. We decided to go up right before the sun set so we could watch the sunset from the peak. That was such a GREAT idea. It was VERY VERY windy but it was also warm so the wind was welcomed.

Although the hike to Ensign Peak is not long...the incline felt soooo steep! The round trip hike is only about 0.85 miles so it isn't far up...you just feel it in your legs!

Katy and Lyse both loved taking some pictures. It was so fun being up on top of the peak, watching the sunset as a family. We talked to the girls a little about what Ensign Peak was and why it was so important.

Personally, I enjoyed being able to kiss my sweetheart as we watched the sunset...something we don't do often enough.

It was beautiful and we THOROUGHLY enjoyed the family time! On the way back down, Lyse was on the look out for bear and deer. She was hoping we could catch some...but WAY too busy yelling for us to be quiet! I love that little thing. She just cracks me up!













3rd Hike of the Season

For this one we got a bit more bold. We decided we wanted to do something over 2 miles. We decided we would hike the trails that are above Silver Lake up Big Cottonwood Canyon. We had some subway points so we stopped and grabbed the footlong and headed up the canyon.

We ate our picnic lunch on some boulders just off the path,next to silver lake then headed up the trail. Each person had their own water and a couple little snack in their bags.

After headed up the path, we came to a fork in the path and hadto pick between Twin Lakes and Lake Solitude. Another hiker said with children if we wanted to do the loop around Twin Lakes and Lake Solitude, it was easiest to go up to Lake Solitude first. Not knowing or caring about the difference, we headed up towards Lake Solitude.

Katy was our TROOPER! Lyse 5 minutes in was saying her legs hurt and honestly Katy did not once say she was tired, needed to rest, etc.When we asked Lyse to be the line leader, she did much better.
Some parts of the hike were just absolutely amazing. I love nature. I LOVE hiking along trails that you have trees rustling around you and the smell of pine in the air. It is invigorating and relaxing all at once!

Lake Solitude was rather dull and there wasn't really anywhere you could sit and enjoy. As we hiked around the lake to find the trail that led down to the Twin Lakes,

Ben found a cave. He named it the "Candy Mountain Cave" and him and the girls went in. I was too much of a whimp and stayed and and took pictures...and chastising Ben of the danger of it all :)




The South side of the Lake had some snow and the girls and Ben enjoyed some snowball throwing. That is always fun to do in July! :)

After searching for a bit, we realized we weren't going to find the other trail. Both girls were getting tired, so we decided to head down the trail. On the way down the trail, Lyse informed us she could hear and interpret what the birds were saying. The birds told her that the bears were coming soon, so we needed to hurrying down the trail. As each bird would tweet and sing, she would interpret a fun little story.

As we reached the bottom of the trail I saw a Bull Moose get mad and start charging across Silver Lake. I yelled, "There's a moose" and we all ran to go see it. What an amazing way to finish the hike. The rangers informed us the moose was overall safe as long as we didn't provoke it because it wasn't mating season. We walked along the boardwalks and walked RIGHT next to the Bull Moose! WOW!!! An experience of a lifetime and it seriously made for the perfect ending to the hike!

The overall hike took us about 3 hours (we hung out and played around Lake Solitude for a while) and we hiked about 3 miles that day.