Friday, April 30, 2010

Day of Appreciation

I need a day of appreciation...a day in which I appreciate all I have been blessed with.

I have an amazing husband that loves me and wants me no matter what.

I have 2 adorable, loving, kind daughters.

I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom with my girls!!

We have a home.

We have a family.

I have a "we".

My parents and family love and care about us.

I have amazing friends.

We live in a free country.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I have a testimony of my Savior!

I love my calling in the church and that I have been entrusted with helping build testimonies in the wonderful children in our ward.

I know I have a Savior who loves me. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I don't always understand the trials I am given, but I KNOW even with the trials that He loves me and is doing it to help me become who I want to be.

My cats are good, behaved and loving - I know that sounds weird but it is important. My girls love their cats. The cats love the girls and allow the girls to maul them. The cats are good family cats. I love that we can have family pets in our small home...pets that take up a small amount of room and actually enjoy the small area. I am grateful to a Heavenly Father that gave us animals, pets, companions that help comfort us.

I know I already said this but once again...I am thankful for my daughters, that I have been able to carry 2 pregnancies full term and produce 2 beautiful girls. I truly do love them. I am grateful I was given them.

When I get down and sad that we don't have a job, we don't have a house, we don't have a yard, we don't have the ability to get pregnant right now...I have to remember all I DO have and that is a lot.

Although my heart hurts and breaks over the desire for another child, I am grateful the Lord has given me what I have. I want more but know that even if it isn't in this life, I WILL have more! I am grateful for that knowledge.

Monday, April 26, 2010

My heart hurts

There isn't much more I can say, type or express other than those 3 words.

I have tried to go to sleep. I have tried to just be happy. Instead I am sitting here in front of the computer with my heart aching so bad I want to scream.

When does it stop?

Will it ever?

What can I do to help it?

Why can't the Lord grant me the wish and desire for a baby?

Why am I having to struggle with infertility?

All these questions race through my mind as I think of 2 sister in laws that will be holding new babies before the end of this year.

I will completely admit that I don't know if I can take it if both end up being boys.

I I DESIRE a little boy.

Don't get me wrong..I LOVE little girls and would take all girls. BUT I would love to have a little man running around the house. I would LOVE for Ben to have a boy to wrestle, play catch and teach him how to mow the lawn.

I hate this feeling!!!! This sucks!!! What I hate more than anything is I am TOTALLY struggling being thrilled for these people that are getting their hearts desire. I don't struggle because I am mad at them, blame them, hate them or any of the above. I struggle because that is what my heart wants more than any other thing in this world.

I want a baby to hold and snuggle in my arms. I want to help raise another child...even experience potty training again.

Tonight my heart hurts and I wish I could just stop it from able to ask my Father in Heaven in person...why?!?!

I hate crying and I hate this feeling.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

As If

I am trying hard to be happy, smiling and sharing of love. I am trying to not let the world mow me over. I am trying to understand the Lord's reasons for everything.

What I can't understand is why the Lord is wanting to take EVERY desire of my heart, wave it in front of my face and snatch it away.

I understand people will have more children and that they need to fulfill the Lord's plan for them. I get that.

Why can't I get one too though?

Am I really that horrible of a mom? A person? Can I not be entrusted with more?

I am really not seeing the Lord's plan on this one. EVERY person around me...people on both sides of the nephews (one could be a niece, no final verdict but I get the feeling it is a nephew).

Just when I think "What else can be thrown in my face and make me feel even worse"...something else is thrown in my face.

Tonight my heart hurts and I feel so alone.

Why must I endure the pain and heartache all over again.

I hate it. I just don't get it. I just don't understand.

Infertility sucks. Unemployment sucks. Being sick sucks. Having all three at one time feels like Hell.

Tonight I even feel like Family kinda sucks. I am sick of dealing with in-laws. I am sick of the rat race, never being enough. I have no desire to be their friends but I wish we could at least be friendly. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone unless they knew it all...but I don't have the ability to write it all.

My heart hurts as I find out about 1 more person being pregnant. Not that their pregnancy isn't happy is. Not that they are taking one of my babies. I guess what I don't understand is why! Why can't I have that little bit of joy added to my life? Why do I have to have this struggle?

I know I have been promised help in child birth...but what if my only chances at it are gone? What if I don't get anymore? I do NOT feel complete. If my family is over, through, complete...why can't the Lord at least let me feel complete, done?

As if I didn't already have enough...I now have heart ache the size of Alaska living in my chest, sucking out my breath.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


I think that word sums it up perfectly how I am currently feeling.

I can't put my finger on one set thing in which causes me to feel like I am drowning so quickly.

My brain seems to live in a constant haze and confusion.

I worry about everything and nothing.

I live in fear when I should be living in faith.

I am not sure how much more I can really take. I know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for me. I KNOW he is aware of me and where I am at. I am terrified of where His plan will take me, where I will be lead.

Following a path without having an answer of where it will take you just plain SUCKS! I know in the end I will be in a happy spot but what will be sacrificed between here and there?

I am so freaked out over money I can't sleep. My constant headaches are due in part to my current situation.

I am not and never have been a person to shirk off obligations. My credit score means a lot to me (even though I know it shouldn't). Earlier this year there was a bogus report on my credit that took my score down to 629. I FREAKED out...and that is putting it lightly. I fought and fought and finally won. This last week I pulled my report and I was at 720. While I know 720 isn't does show that I pay my bills and try to live within my means.

My credit cards have balances on them. Some of the balance I could have avoided in being more frugal here and there. When you are living on $400/week and get a $170 electricity are gonna have to use the plastic to pay everything.

Even typing this stresses me out to the point that I can feel a migraine, nervous breakdown and emotional outburst all at once come on.

How am I going to do this?

How am I going to miss that first car payment or mortgage payment?

What if we miss out on the unemployment extension and NO more money comes in after May 26th? What then?

Our savings has been murdered this last few months. I can only make 2 mortgage payments off car or any other payments can be made. May is only a hop, skip and jump away. What then?

My head hurts, my heart aches and I am too overwhelmed. Why can't people understand that I have reached my max, my breaking point? No pill is gonna bring me back from the dark place I am headed. I know the Lord's hand can and will pull me through...but once again fear. How long will I be lead through the darkness before I see the light?

I hate asking for help. I loathe it. I hate my parents, in-laws and church knowing my finances and that I need help with them.

I have tried and applied for TONS of jobs...not one call has come in for me.

Ben has applied and tried to get tons of jobs...only "No Thanks" emails have come back to him.

I have had to come to face reality that I just may loose my house and car and screw over my credit. My stomach lurches at the thought of having to move in with my parents.

I wish there was more I could do. The only thing I can do is have faith...and honestly I am faltering and that scares me more than my money woes :( I want to replace my fear with faith but that is a LOT easier said than done!

Friday, April 16, 2010


My baby is going to Kindergarten Orientation today. I am struggling with the orientation...I have NO clue how I will make it through the starting of school in the Fall.

I always thought my baby starting Kindergarten would be after I had 4 or 5 other children start Kindergarten. I honestly had NO clue it was after only one other had started.

I want a baby. I hate feeling the desire, the need, the want and having no control over the addition. I know the Lord gave me this trial for a reason...but it doesn't make it any easier. Why can everyone around me be pregnant and announcing pregnancy right now? Why can't I get one?

Infertility just plain and simply SUCKS!!! I want another little arms, body and heart ache and yearn for another little one to love, cuddle and mother as he/she grows and develops.

I know the Lord has reason and lessons for each person on this earth. I know that each time we follow His will, our lives are blessed. I know He knows our hearts desires while at the same time knows what we can handle. I hope I can accept, follow and cherish His will for me!!!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Wahoo Moment!

Today I put on a skirt I got from my sister. It is an cute Old Navy skirt. The Wahoo part...

It was a size 4!

Yep you read that correctly, it was a size 4! I was just as shocked as you are. Even though I am pretty darn sure the skirt size is running big (by a lot), I am a bit excited to own a skirt from a "real store" with that size on it. It has been a LONG weight loss journey and lately with the rash of birthdays and birthday treats, honestly I am just grateful I am not in a sugar induce coma weighing 50 lbs more than before March 24th!!!

I plan an update SOON! about all the fun birthdays (mine and Ben's 30th birthdays as well as Lyse's 5th). The picture above and below are of my fun new birthday do's. Thanks Marci for the awesome job and Jana for making it free! You guys are amazing!!!