Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Chapter Closed

Ben lost his job.

Life is seeming pretty unfair right about now.

Not sure what I am doing wrong or what I need to change or learn.

I don't have much more to say right now.

Monday, March 28, 2011

My plan

The Lord does truly love us and answer our prayers. He leads and guides us and if we are willing to follow we will end up where we want to be (even if sometimes we feel like he is guiding us in the opposite direction of our dreams).

Today I have been reminded of this once again.

I got the job promotion at work that I felt inspired to apply for! I felt VERY inspired to apply for the full time position in the schedule change department at jetBlue. I was and am concerned how on earth we will manage with me working full time. Can I really do it?!? The answer to that question I know already (even though it scares me)...YES! I was told I could and I know the Lord will be there the entire carrying me and lightening my load.

I KNOW he had lead and guided me thus far. I KNOW he loves me. I know that I am following God's plan for me. It is hard making this move but I know it's a move in the right direction. If you had asked me 2 years ago if a full time position with jetBlue was the plan and the path I should be on...I would have told you that you were crazy!! However, today, TODAY, I KNOW that this is the path that I need to be on. I do not know why.

I do know this will not be easy (working part time has been hard...full time um WOWZA).

I do know that I am really excited for the new fun department.

I do know that we are blessed and that my father in heaven truly loves me. I am growing and that is what I want in the end isn't it?'s to a start on a new path in my life! I am excited and trusting in the Lord and my Father in Heaven's plan for me. I know it's the right one and I will be successful!!!

P.S. Just to add to the miracle of what a miracle it was I got this job, I need to give the stats. They recently "hired" about 50 people to be in "acting positions" for the schedule change department. If you get selected to be in the "acting position" for the department, your chances of getting hired onto the actual department when they hire is REALLY high. Almost all the people that I talked to that were in the acting position, chose to apply for the full position. They had hundreds of applications from within the company (it was an internal hire). They were only hiring the equivalent of 20 full time positions (so either 40 part time people or 20 full time people or a combination of the 2). I took 1 of the full time positions (which is like taking 2 of the part time positions) making it that only 19 other spaces were left. I KNOW it was not me that got me here! I KNOW it was my Father in Heaven's intervention and that is the reason I am moving to this department!!!

Friday, March 25, 2011

I feel all warm and fuzzy!!

I have been award the Stylish Blogger Award! Thanks so very much to Trina. She is a super fun mom and you should totally check out her blog. I love reading about her cute family and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that she has and adores big families (something I have always wanted and I also love and adore).
The recipients is asked to do the following:
1} Thank and link back to the person who gave you this award
2} Share seven things about yourself
3} Select seven blogs that you feel deserve the award
4} Contact those bloggers and let them know about the award

Seven semi-interesting things about me, in no particular order:

One: I do not like reading books! There I admitted it! Whew that feels good to get off my chest. I will occasionally find a book that takes my interest and RARELY find a favorite author. I do like Rick Riordan and Brandon Mull books but it's more the series such as Fablehaven and Percy Jackson that I like more than the authors and all their writings.
I am a hard reader for authors because if they don't have me captured in the first 25 minutes of reading...I will not finish the book. I love reading "short reads" such as blogs, articles, news paper stories and articles. I am finding that I love to read books on my computer but to pick up a book I am constantly finding myself looking to see "how much is left"? Maybe I just have an aversion to paper pages...not sure! I am trying HARD to change and pick up books to help my children love reading but it's hard. I am lucky to be married to a bookworm! Hopefully my kids get that from him!

Two: I really enjoy coloring and crafting. I HATE the mess it creates. Even if I did have extra space and a room for such would have to be VERY organized and cleaned up at the end of the day. I could NEVER be an artist cause they have to walk away and come back. My "master pieces" have to be completed in one setting!

Three: I love dark chocolate with every fiber in my being. Like REAL dark chocolate is the best and milk chocolate always takes a back seat. Get me the 70% cocoa chocolate bar and I have a hard time limiting myself to just the square (although I have learned tricks to manage). HOWEVER, if you were to purchase a milk chocolate bar for me, it could sit in my cupboard for a month untouched. I am not joking. We purchased a Hershey's Almond Bar (which I like) and a bag of dark chocolate doves squares. I limit myself to one square a day. I ran out of the dove and the candy bar remained. I got a dark chocolate bar a bit later and it was gone while the Hershey's remained. Elyse finally ate the Hershey's bar and shared a bite with me. Dark chocolate just tastes MUCH better to me than milk chocolate!!! Chocolate chip cookies at my house are always made with semi-sweet chips cause they are the closest to dark chocolate!

Four: I love DIY home improvement jobs. I always am trying to come up with something that can be improved so we can get to work on it. I currently have 2 ideas on things I want to do! I have painted our condo 3 times and we have lived here for 6 1/2 years. Our bedroom has been painted 2 times and one of my current ideas is how we are going to change up our room. It is a FREAKING AWESOME idea and I can't wait until I get it all put together and get the room done. It's gonna be a little bit cause it will take some money (which we don't have spare of at the moment) and it will also take some time off of work (since I work from home in my bedroom). My other "project" is just the 1/2 bath on the main level finishing it a little different. That will take a little money and be a day job (so just have to wait for money to do it).

Five: I love the smell of wood working. I have already informed Ben that when we finally get a house it needs a garage to have an area for wood working. The smell of wood that is being worked on is the BEST smell. It is right in line with the smell of campfire. MMMMM LOVE IT!!! I want Ben to get really into wood working so I can have that smell fill my house often. If he doesn't, maybe I will have to! First we have to get a house with a garage!!! ;)

Six: My favorite colors are sea sea blue, ocean blue, sea green, etc. other than purple. Whenever my kids ask my favorite color I always say I don't know. It is true. I don't have an exact color that I just know is my favorite. I have shades and hues I like. Maybe one day I will find that EXACT color, I will know. Until then anything in the aforementioned colors...usually I will love it!

Seven: I am just barely learning how to listen to the Spirit and myself and trust my gut. I know I am 31. I know that I have 2 beautiful girls. I should know and understand this more, but I do not. I am working very hard on trying to learn this.

Man that was harder than I thought. Coming up with 7 random things was hard (maybe cause I am always so random and sharing my guts out on here...finding new things is hard).

Ok to fulfill the last...nominating other blogs. This is hard because MANY of the blogs I read are privatized! So what I am going to do is link them still here but you may not be able to find them because they are private! Here is my list though. It is not a full list. There are some blogs I read all the time and love just as much but some are private and some I am not sure the blog owner wants the attention brought. I tried to be respectful in all my nominations :)

1. Ben - my hubby inspires me with his goals and truly trying to improve and be better.
2. Sandi - LOVE this blog. She is recently privatized...luckily she loves me enough to allow me in!
3. Audrey - even in the hardest of trials, she inspires - another private one though peeps
4. Liz - she was my roommates best friend and I just love reading everything she shares (and her childrens' antics)! Can't remember hers just might be private!
5. Loralee - need a laugh - she will bring it! She is amazing and I just love her blog!
6. Liz - she was my roommate mentioned above. She loves life and is not afraid to live it!
7. Heather - I can't imagine the loss of a child. Her journey in life and becoming a mom again, has me captivated!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Happy Happy Birthday Old Lady

It's my birthday.

I feel old!

For some reason 31 is sooooo much older than 30. I can't claim to just be 30...I am now fully IN my 30's.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Modern Mom

**This post is a lot of rambling...I had a point I wanted to put out there but had a hard time doing so. In the end I think I got it out there...but basically it was just that mom's today have such different trials with their children. The biggest trial is that you loose them to technology so easy when a pioneer if they lost their child it was mortality...they didn't have the "things" in life to sweep away the time so easily. Anyway...just a bunch of rambles.**

Our ancestors had a lot asked of them but so do we. Last night in a dazed, sleepy fog I was thinking about the difference in a modern mom and the pioneer moms.

Pioneers had to get up in the morning and light a fire in order to be warm in their homes - they didn't have a thermostat that could be programmed for times of the day and what the temperature should be. (I don't either but at least I have a thermostat that I can turn up and have a warm house in a few minutes rather than trying to start wood on fire). For a warm breakfast they had to get out a pot and boil water over a fire. I like my microwave for oatmeal thanks! Forget a store for bread. That was a luxury. Kitchenaid Mixer to help mix the dough - um was all made completely by hand! Buy your meat in a section of the store all wrapped and ready to just take home and cook - forget it. You grow, kill, butcher and prepare meat all at home.

What about all those that made the sacrifice to cross the vast of America to "come out west"? They lived out of a covered wagon (if lucky) for MONTHS? I don't know about you but after a couple days of camping, I am ready for home, my bed and a shower.

So modern conveniences definitely make being a mom nice.

We also loose some things that those sweet moms had. They didn't have iphones, tv, radios and such to take their time. They didn't text a quick, "Be there in 5". They had to actually TALK to their kids.

I think I am doing great when I turn off the music and talk to my kids for a few minutes in the car or we sing along to the radio together. These mothers had the blessings of not having the radio. If there was music, it was because they sang together. Evenings were not spent curled up with kids watching a tv show, dad on his phone and mom on the computer. I try very hard to make our evenings time spent together but there are nights that the exact scenerio above are what happens. Yes we are all in the same room we are not interacting per se with each other. Wouldn't it be nice in some ways to have nothing but a fire, a piano or violin and a few good books in the house for entertainment? Think of the closeness your family would gain?
Don't get me wrong, I know it wasn't perfect for them. Also, I sometimes love the nights when we are together but each doing our own thing..but sometimes I wonder.

What actually made me think about this all was how we loose our children today verses how they loose their children. When they lost their children, the child died. We loose our children to TV, computers, sports activities, mom's working. Our time is taken every day from our children, just in different ways.

I am struggling being a working mom. I would do just about anything to just be a mom again. Not have work own me. Even when I am off work I have a hard time not checking email. When you work from home it's a lot harder leaving work at work. I am allowing work to take even my days off. I am trying to change it but it's not working well.

Everything has a season. Right now, my season, I am having to work. I loose time with my children but at least I am not having to bury my children.

These last few months I have taken an effort to really TRY to spend more family time together. I don't plan things over movie night (Friday night). The entire family looks forward to that night and snuggling in with a good movie and fresh popped popcorn snuggled on the couch together. We all love it!

Monday nights are family home evening. The night is spent as a family. This last week we went swimming. The week before that we read books together. Sometimes we play games. Sometimes we snuggle in to a show we all want to watch. No matter what, that night is known to all in the house as sacred family time. We always try to have a spiritual lesson for a few minutes but it is not a lesson then we are done and go our separate ways. The entire evening is dedicated to our family.

I hate that sometimes my work is the thing that has to divide us. I love just spending time with my husband and kids. My favorite time of the day is dinner time. The entire family is home and we are able to be together. I know it will not always be like this but I REALLY hope that my kids will want to bring their friends home for movie night on Friday night sometimes. I really hope that they will put off all things of the world on Mondays in order to make family home evening work. I hope they are bonding and loving this as much as Ben and I are.

I know my kids are growing up and fast. I wish I just had more time...but I think that is something that every mother wishes for...whether she is modern or if she was a pioneer. They just grow up too fast! Sometimes I hate being a modern mom with technology every where and I almost always hate being a working mom.

Once again though - Be ye content in whatsoever state you are in. I am content and happy that I have a home and I have my kids. I have a job that helps pay our bills and we get the added benefit of getting to travel every now and then! I am blessed with an amazing husband. I know that my Heavenly Father knows who I am and I am grateful for my Savior. I have an eternal family that I can never be more grateful for. I have my family and I have to be content with that big of a blessing!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Insights into my soul

Today holds a lot of stress for me.

Many things I can't write about but oh so want to.

Money troubles.

Job troubles.

Extended Family having troubles.

It seems like troubles are all around.

Today instead of seeing the troubles (although I will admit they are weighing on me)...I have chosen to have my "burden lightened" through the Lord.

This morning my beautiful Elyse said one of the most heart felt loving prayers I have heard. She blessed so many and sincerely thought of all those she loved and prayed for them with all her heart. What a beautiful girl I have been blessed with!

Last night I was able to go to the temple with my eternal sweetheart. I am so grateful for him. I am grateful for the opportunity we had to be in the temple together. The Spirit was so strong and the warmth and feeling of the Spirit just made me smile. What a beautiful night it was. I needed it. I love the man I am married to. I love that he is trying every day to be the man that our Father in Heaven wants him to be. That brings my heart such joy I can not even describe it!

My beautiful Katy is such a good, strong worker. She helps and does! She has helped me do laundry and she cleaned a majority of her and Lyse's unbelievably dirty room. She was a trooper through it all and even smiled and laughed and excitedly made her bed. Not many mom's are blessed with a child that will clean while laughing. She just does what she is asked. She tries the hardest of most kids I know to just help and do what is right.

I am blessed as a wife and mother. I have a husband that strives to be better and help me along with him. He loves me and supports me. He is my true love and I am so grateful we have each other to walk through life with. I have amazing children that I love with all my heart. I have good children that laugh and smile and play with each other (and me).

The scripture of the day yesterday was Philippians 4: 11 it states, "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be acontent."

I have really thought and pondered this a lot. I actually really encourage you to go read all of Philippians 4. It takes just a few minutes but such strong beautiful words.

I do not have all I want. My want list grows. Instead, though, I need to be content with what I have. I have my needs fulfilled and even if I lost my house, car and all my worldly possessions I KNOW I have family that would help care for me. My needs are fulfilled. My eternal family is the only thing that I truly need to know I have!

I want to one day be able to say with conviction that I have learned that in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Because honestly, all I have is today! If I am not content today until I have ... (fill in the blank) then I will never learn to be content. If I am content and happy with what I have, then I think you can really learn true happiness.

This is my current goal. Learn to be content and love TODAY with what I have TODAY. (No I am not going to stop dreaming but I am going to dream less and live today more) I am a worrier so it comes naturally but I am going to try and love what I have today but know that tomorrow will change but that is ok as long as I have the Lord and my family on my side.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Our St. Patrick's Day Festivities!!

I love St. Patrick's Day. It is just a plain FUN holiday! Katy said this morning, "I love that there is a day that is all about my favorite color!"

My Katlynn Ivie is Irish to the bone I believe. Even when she was born she had reddish hair! Her name, her favorite color, everything is just Irish. I guess I better check genealogy and find where we have some Irish...I know it's there somewhere! Katy even wants to go to Ireland - the land of Green she said! Such a sweet thing.

Lyse, now Lyse loves green because Katy does. Lyse loves the Leprechauns and was awake at 6:55 this morning in hopes of catching one! She didn't catch one but she did find the pot of gold that they left for the girls. Lyse had the most fun this morning and she was just giddy all morning long. When she got her pancakes she said, "We get green pancakes cause it's green day today. YAY!!"

Last night the girls and Ben (and a little bit of me) made rainbow cupcakes with pots of gold on them and then we also made a BIG OLD CAKE! The cake was for the Leprechauns (yep all you workers that work with are leprechauns ;) ). We took some of the cupcakes around to neighbors and then of course we had to each have one as well!

This morning I made each of the girls green pancakes and gave them a slice of bacon with it. They were in HEAVEN. It has been such a fun St. Patrick's Day so far. I am grateful that we get to have this fun holiday right now!

Now when you see the cute cupcakes don't think I am the genius behind them. I have a super cute and creative friend that put a tutorial up on her blog about them and I decided that the girls and Ben would have a blast making them (Ben is great like that...he loves to make fun things with the girls. Such a cute, good dad!!!)

P.S. In case you got some of the cupcakes and see the girls pretending to eat the batter - they didn' was all just pretend! :)

P.P.S. The note from the Leprechauns said, "Ye tricked me from me gold ye see Because ye left that cake fer me. Here is me gold." The girls LOVED it! Oh and sorry the pictures are all over the place...that is the one thing that I really do not like about blogger...uploading pictures!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

And the verdict is...

It's a miracle and I am blessed! I do NOT have leukemia, lymphoma or an auto-immune disease. I do have a nasty virus. Some of the best news in my life!!

I actually KNEW that it would come out that already. The night before (Monday night) Ben gave me a blessing. In that blessing, I was blessed that my body would be healed and I would return to being able to care for my family. I KNEW he would not have said those words had they not been true. After that blessing both Ben and I knew that I was going to be ok. That was the first time since last Thursday (when cancer was first mentioned), that we had that peace.

I can not even tell you what an amazing call it was to receive. I thought for sure I would be waiting until Wednesday for results but nope Dr. N called me last night around 6 pm. He didn't want me to have to wait longer for the results and he hadn't had time before that. How sweet is that. I am sure he would have rather been home!

Even before the call last night I had noticed the upped vitamin dosages were starting to help. I was able to sweep my floor last night (something that even that morning was an impossible task). It took me 10 minutes what would have normally taken 3 and I didn't do the extras of lifting all the rugs and sweeping out everything from underneath them but I did sweep around them. Such a little thing I know - but to me, for me, it's a huge step.

The plan for today are big and huge but I am not doing them. I am actually going to take time and really allow myself to heal! I wanted to start laundry, clean the girls room, vacuum upstairs, clean the bathrooms and get the floors ready to be mopped when Ben gets home. Oh I also wanted to make homemade bread cause the weather outside just seems to ask for it.

INSTEAD I am laying low. I am going to clean the tub/shower but only so I can take a nice, long relaxing bath. Tomorrow I start my work week, so I am going to start it as rested as I can be. Tonight when the girls get home, I will sit in their room with them while they get it picked up, but I am not going to do it for them.

Now on to some other important news. A couple weeks ago I posted I wasn't sure if I could really do it. I never said what "it" was just that I was sure if I could really do it. Well now that I am interviewing I will share. I am going for a promotion at work. My interview for it is tomorrow (another reason I REALLY want and need to be well rested). I am nervous but I really feel this is the way Heavenly Father is guiding and directing me. This is also a BIG reason I did not take a LOA while I have been so sick. I have known that the path was put before me and I needed to stick to it no matter how hard it would be. The fact that I was able to be in the hospital for 4 days and get 5 days of work covered without calling in sick, in and of itself is a miracle. I almost feel like this sickness was put before me to see if I would really stick to the plan that I KNOW Heavenly Father wants me to follow.

I am still nervous. The promotion would mean LOTS of changes. There would be an adjustment. There would be more working hours. There would also be more blessings because I KNOW this is where I am supposed to go. I KNOW this is the Lord's plan and I just need to stick to this path. I do NOT know that I will get the job, this may just be a stepping stone to where I am supposed to be. I do know that I am moving in the correct direction.

So there is a lot of news in this one "little" post but it's all good news. Life really is a gift and I am grateful to have it (even in the trials).

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Random Things About Me!

1) What's your favorite brand of make-up? Are you loyal to one brand? Whatever is on sale but I do tend to like L'Oreal

2) What is the last thing you drank? Water - boring I know!

3) What's your favorite Girl Scout cookie? Tagalongs are by FAR my favorites!!! (the chocolate peanut butter ones)

4) French Fries or Onion Rings? Hmmmm...depends on my mood and is it a bloomin' onion or french fries? Bloomin' onions are my favorites at restraunts, french fries at fast food :)

5) Share something you've done in the last week that makes you proud of yourself.
I had a bone marrow biopsy done and I chose to do it the harder way - in the room with just IV medicines instead of being knocked out and in the CT scan room. I survived! Also the fact that I have been so sick this week and only gotten frustrated one time on the kids and that was a small but strict - "you guys need to stop it and now!" scolding.

6) What is your favorite inexpensive indulgence? I LOVE popcorn and make it at home with real butter and salt - mmm it's the best!

7) Are you currently reading a book? If so, which one? Just the Book of Mormon

8) Do you prefer to text or talk? I prefer to talk but I find that I text a lot!

9) Have you ever performed on stage? several times and I don't mind it too much.

10) Are you more likely to pick truth or dare? Usually truth but sometimes I choose Dare.

Blessings come in all shapes, sizes and disguises!

I never in my life with take advantage of having energy again.


Never Ever.

Never Ever Ever.

Ok, truth is I am writing this in hopes that I will remember this. I can't even walk up the stairs without having to lay down and get some rest before coming back down. I am shaking and sweaty from walking up my stairs. Picking up or cleaning is absolutely out of the question. Even driving from my house to the school to get Lyse takes all the energy I have in my soul.

This is not an out of shape thing (which I am).

My body has no energy.

These are my blood levels as of yesterday (and these are much better than they had been):

WBC - 3.3 reference range 4.1-10.9 - Low
GRAN- 1.2 reference range 2.0-7.8 - Low
RBC - 4.02 reference range 4.20-6.30 - Low
HGB - 10.4 reference range 12.0-18.0 - Low
PLT - 105. reference range 140. -440. - Low

Now unless you are a nurse it probably looks to you the same it looks to me: a jumbled mess of letters and numbers. I have learned a little. WBC is white blood cells, RBC is red blood cells, HGB is hemoglobin (don't know what that is other than something to do with the amount of oxygen in the cells) and the PLT is platelet count. Basically EVERYTHING is below where it should be BUT it's moving upwards. THIS IS A GOOD SIGN!

I know I am blessed. Energy is a much needed thing to survive and I am creating "faux energy" with lots of vitamins and nutrient enriched foods such as iron and broccoli. I am trying to figure out a way to convince Ben that a steak dinner out is actually a medically needed thing ;)

I am grateful for my life and the people that fill it. I am grateful that I know what it's like to HAVE energy and not have suffered with this my entire life. I am grateful for the energy I do have.

I am most of all grateful for a Heavenly Father that has blessed my life with answered prayers, the power of the Priesthood and an amazing family and ward family. I could not do this without my Father in Heaven. I have been blessed with the most amazing caring husband. Without him, I would be at a complete loss. I am so grateful that we share the love we do and that I know I can count on him to help and care for me. Of course my children are a blessing. It's hard being a mom right now with absolutely NO energy but I realize what good girls I have as I watch them step up and really help.

I guess not having energy has blessed to me to see what blessings I have in my life and be more grateful for the little things in life.

Now I get to go lay down and take a short little nap :) Another blessing in life I guess!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Bone Marrow Extraction

I wanted/needed to write about this while it was still fresh and while I remembered what happened. I am warning in advance in case you are squeamish cause well bone marrow extraction is not for the squeamish of heart or stomach!

The nurse I had, Natalie - ROCKED. She was so kind and she was right there for me the whole time. She was an angel sent from Heaven - seriously. Even thinking of her and how amazing she was makes my heart leap with joy and tears come to my eyes. She was that great!

The "procedure" was scheduled for 1:30 pm. Dr. Nibbley walked in the room at 1:28. I told him that my husband really wanted to be there as I was dialing Ben's number to make sure he was there. Ben's voice was frantic and my heart was breaking for him. I can't imagine how he felt. Honestly, it was hard having me go through it. If we were going through this for him or one of the girls, I would have been a basket case!!!! Ben was just luckily just pulling into the hospital.

I told Dr. N that Ben wanted to be there and he said that was fine, we would just start the prepping. The procedure was being done in my room. This is not the norm but it was what was best for me. Let me tell ya - my room was all the buzz on the floor and many nurses were jealous of my amazing nurse and that she got to witness and help in a bone marrow procedure. I never got from her that she thought the procedure was cool or that was the reason she was there....honestly I always felt like she was there for me.

The reason my bone marrow extraction took place in my room has to do with radiation. My body has been subjected to a LOT of it recently. Even though a CT scan emits very little radiation, several of them in a short time can add up. The night before my procedure I had a blessing. In the blessing, I was told that the doctors doing the procedure and helping me get better would be lead, guided and directed by the Spirit. The morning of my procedure Dr. McKinley came in the room and said in the night he woke up with the thought that I would be better off without the radiation. He asked what I wanted to do because it was up to me in the end.

I thought it over a lot because with the CT scan I would be put out, without the CT scan I would be awake and aware of the procedure. I thought of my blessing and KNEW that Heavenly Father had inspired Dr. M regarding this and that I should go without the CT scan. I KNOW that Dr. M and Dr. N were being guided and directed by the Holy Ghost through the whole process. Twice during my stay in the hospital I had Dr. M come to me and say he was woken up or he had been thinking of me. He even called during the night one night.

Dr. N had me lay on my right side because due to the room lay out taking it from my left him was the easiest. He showed me where he would be inserting the needle (which is more like a metal straw than needle) and what would happen. He made a spot in the room for Ben - which I was sooooo impressed with. He was so supportive and kind for Ben being there.

They started by giving me adavain and morphine. I watched as the medicine moved through the IV pic line and I could actually see it move towards my body. The fluid was thicker than the normal saline fluid to my body. The doctor said he would explain as he went and he did a pretty good job of doing just that. I don't know how to explain the procedure exactly. I felt a prick and some stinging from the local anesthetic. I didn't feel him cut me with the scalpel due to the anesthetic.

I did feel when the needle hit the bone. He told me I would feel pressure. Pressure is a good word if you add it with the word "pain". :) In some ways it was the same pressure you would have during an epidural but you aren't having a worse pain from a contraction to counter the pain from it. I felt the pressure and that wasn't bad until it send nerve pains shooting down my leg. I think that was when he was extracting the first bone marrow. He had to extract 2 tubes and then take a "sample" of my bone.

At this point, they gave me more morphine (no clue how much but I am sure that I got quite a bit during this because they gave me 2 bottles of it before the procedure). My sweet nurse had to leave my side long enough to get that morphine for me and give it to me. She gave it through the close IV port so that my body got it fast. This was also the time the doctor said he may have to wait and put off until they could do it in the lab and put me out fully. I think I said try it one more time, I know I thought it.

My bones were thin. This obviously isn't a good thing and it made it that he had to go to another site for the second extraction. I once again felt the pressure as he went through and I cried and grabbed for the bar on the bed. That is when I found my nurses hand. Even thinking of that makes me cry because I was sitting wishing that I could be squeezing Ben's hand that he was right next to me, not across behind the doctor from me. That hand was EVERYTHING. It was human touch. I squeezed and she told me to squeeze as hard as I would like and I did!! It was during this pain they finished. I was done.

Dr. N spoke during the whole process but honestly I don't remember a lot of what he said other than, "maybe we should try another time", "her bones are thin", or "I have reached the bone". Ben remembers all the cool things like, "We know it's not spiked cell leukemia because these cells don't have a spiked look to them" and stuff like that.

A band-aid was all that was needed to cover such a huge immense owie! He didn't even need to put a stitch in the wound even though it was big enough it could have used one.

I thought that the procedure must have been pretty bloodless even with being bone marrow because I didn't see any blood in the aftermath. Ben informed me there was a LOT of blood and he almost passed out and was grateful for a chair!

I was also VERY out of it after the procedure for a while. I told Ben to call people that needed called and then when he got off the phone call with them, a few minutes later I would tell him he needed to call those same people. He laughed at me lots.

I have no clue what the results will hold but I feel good about it all. Dr. M has put me on some pretty heavy calcium to get my bones thicker. Dr. N is going to call us into his office this week to discuss the results. The waiting for that seems like FOREVER!

As we left the hospital on Saturday, I once again had been given my Heaven sent nurse. I can not express the love I have for her! Absolutely amazing lady!!! I am so glad she was there for me and to bless my life! As we left the hospital she was saying the Dr. N is one of the best in the State and very sought after so if I do need an oncologist/hematologist he is one of the best I could get.

Through this I have been blessed. VERY BLESSED. I am blessed with the best husband in the world, the best children, the best family. I have been blessed with the best doctors and nurses. My Heavenly Father has been leading and guiding me, Ben and my doctors through this whole process. I am a blessed woman. Even with the fear of what could come, I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, my life is a gift and through my faith my family will grow and be blessed.

Friday, March 11, 2011

They want to suck my bone marrow!

I am currently blogging from the hospital bed. Wow what a crazy few days is has been. I came in with extreme abdominal pain. I couldn't move when a wave would hit. At first they they intussusception again.

After several tests, my Dr. informed me they were going to admit me for pain and because my blood levels looked "off". The next morning he came to visit with me and inform me it was out of his league and a hematologist would be in to visit me.

I was so glad that the Hematologist, Dr. N, didn't come until Ben was off work and in the room with me. Dr. N walked in the room and I liked him instantly. He was warm and friendly. Then he started talking and it was serious stuff.

"You are doing better. Luckily we didn't have to order a transfusion. You are high enough to avoid that, but barely." No one EVER wants to hear that out of a doctor's mouth. He then continued to tell me that they had ruled out all the easy answers as to why my blood was bad. My cells aren't too big, too small or odd shaped...there just isn't enough of them. The only way to get the answers that they need will have to be done through a bone marrow biopsy.

The scary words started coming out of his mouth such as "cancer", "lukeimia"...words you never want to have thrown at you or a loved one.

My hopes and dreams of leaving the hospital after only 1 night had crashed and were burning right in front of me.

The news from the biopsy won't be in for several days. I could still be in the hospital if my blood levels are not normal. I am hoping to be home.

This is a very scary situation. I am terrified. I am comforted to know and hear the promptings of the Spirit through this all. I was going to go to my work meeting and just forget being checked out. If I had done that I would most likely have needed a transfusion and have been taken by ambulance to the ER.

I have been very blessed. I know the Lord is watching out over me and my family.

Right now we could use some prayers though! Especially Ben - I think he has met his ropes end!!!

Wish me luck...I KNOW this is going to hurt...I am just hoping it isn't for nothing!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I can do this...

Heavenly Father does love me...

I am not given more than I can handle...

The Lord doesn't give me more than I can handle...

I can handle anything with the Lord!

(I keep repeating this to myself over and over and hope and pray that my faith will be strong enough to really follow it. I will not be able to make it through this one without that!!!)