Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The true things that can't be replaced :(

After posting can't be replaced today I had a HUGE reminder of the more important things in life!

My dear friend and her sister suffered the biggest loss you can suffer in this life...the loss of a child.

My heart is breaking.

I am at a loss of words.

My wedding ring can stay lost forever and that is ok. The only true things that can't be replaced is TIME WITH OUR CHILDREN, SPOUSES and LOVED ONES!

Life is so fragile...too fragile in my opinion.

I am grateful I have a pediatric dentist bill - it means my children have teeth that need taken care of.

I am grateful I have a laundry basket full of dirty pink clothes - it means I have my children to wear them.

I am grateful for a room that I can't keep the toys on the shelf and put away - it means I have children playing with the toys.

I hope this doesn't sound crass or out of place. I am absolutely HEART BROKEN for my friend and her sister. I also realize that life happens to easily. They can be here one minute and gone the next so make each and EVERY minute count for EVERYTHING.

That is my new goal - make each moment the best I can because there are too few moments in life!

I go to bed tonight regretting sooo much I wish I had done today for now today is over. My children and husband WILL have a different mom tomorrow and hopefully for the rest of forever because tomorrow is too short.

:( Can't be replaced :(

My wedding ring has been lost. I am just plain sick. It can't just be replaced. Not only do we not have the money to replace it, IT( the actual ring) is MY wedding ring.

Even if we replaced it with an exact replica it wouldn't have the scratch on the wedding band from when I helping tile our bathroom (no I don't know why I was still wearing the ring).

It, the actual ring, has so many precious important memories.

We have never had the money to get an appraisal on it so now even home owners can't give us money because they can't go off the original purchase, they have to have an appraisal :(

I have prayed my GUTS out trying to find it to no avail.

Eventually it will have to be replaced but I am sick about even the thought of replacing it. My style has changed enough almost 10 years later that I would pick different cuts, different styles/layout/designs. I guess if we ever get the money to replace it Ben and I can pick out a new one together and new memories will be formed.

Until then I am just sick :( It weighs on my head heavily and makes me want to burst into tears.

Monday, January 17, 2011

A day off...

Today the kids were out of school and I was off work! It was a great day to spend with them. I love my kids! I had the most fun today just having them home. We went to my parents house where Brooke and Dustin were and we played wii for hours.

We had a BLAST with Just Dance 2 for the Wii. I need to figure out a way to get $40 and get that game. We have had so much fun today playing it (and it is quite the workout too!)

Today was a perfect "Stay at home mom" day. A day filled with nothing other than my kids and our lives. I loved it and it made me mourn a lot. I do not want to overshadow the wonderful day I had with sad feelings but they are there.

Today was a great day! I look forward to MANY MANY more of these wonderful days with my kids. They grow WAY too fast to not just treasure each moment with them.

This weeks goals are to find a way to find joy in even the hardest of times, help Katy - she is struggling in a lot of areas right now, find quality (not quantity) time with Lyse. I am also going to try and keep my driving to a minimum and not spend ANY money (including gas and groceries) until Friday. Wish me luck cause honestly right now I want to go out and spend, spend, spend all my time and money on my kids :)

I am so grateful that I have been blessed with my beautiful children. I truly love them!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Here comes the sun...dooo do do doooo

Ok peeps the doom and gloom is over. You are gonna get a bright, shiny happy me for the next while (I hope at least). Life is hard but I am trying to see things from the other side. At times it is easier to see the doom and gloom than it is the little miracles that occur each day.

I am tired of being weighed down by my dreams. Instead of dreaming, getting my hopes up and failing...I am not going to dream. This isn't an "I am giving up on life" not dreaming...but just the opposite. I am going to give life a chance. I am going to take each day and look at what I have that day and have faith that my Father in Heaven will take care of the rest. I have my family. I have my life. My dreams are hurting me and when dreams hurt, I think it is easier to just let them go! For a while I am not going to dream my dreams (at least I am going to try not to).

This week has been a HARD week but for some reason I was able to in the matter of MINUTES trade away one of the hardest days - Saturday! I was able to get us on a flight to Cali and I was able to pull all this off without spending over $25!!

My job is rough but it has perks. It is hard missing on so much in my family life but I am also able to provide these fun memorable moments as well. It is difficult, the constant working and striving and barely treading water. Then the sun shines through and you see that at least you are grateful to be treading...and this weekend we will tread in some warm water outside with the sun shining and the ocean waves crashing nearby (the hotel is on the beach and has an outdoor heated pool with ocean views)!!!

Bring on the Sun because I am tired of the rain cloud following me around!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Where is my plan?

I know I have a lot to catch up on such as our Christmas fun and all that jazz. I did get Christmas all put away this last week and our house back to normal (thanks to the help of Ben). It is nice to feel like the house is back to normal...I wish life were.

In case you had not noticed from postings...I am struggling with depression BIG time right now. I hate where I am at, am in constant tears and the thought of having to put in one more day of work makes me want to die. I miss my kids. I miss just being their mom. I miss my husband and being able to just be a wife. I miss time.

I know same old same old...all you read is about how I miss. I keep trying to look at the here and now blessings and they just hurt. The blessing that Ben now has a job is often over-shadowed by the fact that I too have one. It is overshadowed by the fact that if he had not lost his job as the ATC then we would have the money to be in a house in a good neighborhood, we would not have a years worth of unemployment debt and we would not have me working.

A while ago I got a blessing and in it I was told not to loose sight and to remember that Heavenly Father always wants what is best for us and He is looking at the eternal prospective of things. I understand the eternal prospective but I also need some help here and now!!! I understand that Ben probably lost that job because he needed to fulfill priesthood callings he would not be able to fulfill in that job (he would have odd hours and work Sundays). I do know that most likely if he still had that job he would not be Elder's Quorum president because he would not be able to be there on Sundays. I see that he has a great plan for him and his callings but what about me?

Why am I the one that now has to work Sundays?

I feel like Heavenly Father's plan is helping Ben with his spiritual uplifting and growth and has completely squashed mine.

I am contemplating asking being released from my calling because I do not feel worthy. How can I teach the primary children to keep the sabbath day holy and not work when I myself have to work? I do not feel like I am a good example any longer. The sad thing is that stands for my children too.

I am trying. Failing and falling further and further into a pit of sadness, despair and depression.

I no longer want to dream. I have found that each dream I have had gets crushed and never achieved so why do it any longer? I could give you a list a million miles long of each dream I strive for and how each time I really work towards it, it is squashed into millions of tiny shards that burn and cut like walking over glass with bare feet. Then to make it worse I see as many, MANY around me are given that EXACT dream of mine. It is like having that glass in your foot and then having to walk on it and not be able to remove it. I just can't do it anymore!!!! It isn't like I am asking for a million (or even $100k) dollars, I am not asking for a mansion, I am not asking for twins.

Currently I am stuck in our tiny condo in a ward that is full of people either moving on to good neighborhoods or getting blessed with wonderful new little babies (seriously HUGE baby boom at least 5 women that I am aware of pregnant and due next spring/summer)...all these moms also have the blessing of being able to stay home. So obviously Heavenly Father isn't against giving the blessings...just doesn't want to give them to me. I guess I am just not worthy for that either.

As for the weight maintenance update: currently at 136...not bad after the holidays but I know I need to get into the gym and get fit.

As for FHE update: not been amazing at it but still getting it done somewhat

As for family prayers and scripture study: still doing that most nights...some nights we get lost and it is too late for both but we still try to do it nightly.