Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I have some of the most amazing friends ever. Seriously - if you had the friends I did you would be saying, "She is so right. Her friends are the best and most amazing ever!"

It has taken until just this last month for me to accept help from my friends. Not because they never offered but more because I didn't feel worthy of them. I know it is stupid to say but I always felt that I needed to serve them in order for them to like me and want to remain friends with me (I know...I have issues big surprise).

Being sick with everything else has put me at breaking point. I just keep thinking, "Why Heavenly Father? I am dealing with so much more...why are you putting this in my path too?"

It is at that moment that my phone rings. I have an amazing friend on the other end asking what they can do to help and if they can bring dinner. I don't have dinner brought in often (I much prefer to make it and take it to others). I hate feeling like a mooch or asking for help. These few nights lately I have said yes. I feel HORRID and guilty for saying yes but when dinner time comes and I don't have to worry I think, "Man I have the best friends!!" I have had more meals brought in over the last month than I have had with either of my babies combined (by the way I have only had 2 meals brought to me by sweet dear friends...just so you don't think I am totally mooching off society and friends).

Tonight I want to publicly thank my friends. The ones that send me a card in the mail, send me a text message checking up on me, bring me clothes cause I whine about nothing to wear and the ones that bring me dinners. Thank you for listening to the Spirit and giving me the feeling that I can make it one more day. Right now is tough. I know everyone has their struggles but I am so grateful for good friends (and of course family) to help uplift and carry us through the times in our lives when we don't know if we can do one more thing.

P.S. Stomach is ok tonight...I have just found that avoiding food completely tends to make it feel the best. I so should be able to do that until Friday right?!?!
I spent the day in the hospital yesterday.

I have a problem with worrying too much. That problem has turned to an ulcer over the last 10 months. That ulcer ate a hole clear through my stomach. We discovered this after a CT scan with contrast...followed by an MRI with contrast (both NASTY in case you were wondering. I am also now up 5 lbs! 5 FREAKING STUPID lbs...better just be water weight!)

In case you were wondering...the ulcer is EXTREMELY painful. EXTREMELY!!

Monday night the pain became so bad I ended up in the ER at 11:00 at night. I wasn't released until 3:00 in the afternoon the next day. Those 16 hours are just a daze. Honestly, I know that I spent at least 2 1/2 hours in the radiology lab drinking nasty contrast, throwing up nasty contrast, almost passing out while doing the needed walk around to get the contrast moving.

They kept me on oxygen the entire time because my blood oxygen levels dropped too low without the oxygen. Now at home I am wishing I had the oxygen here with me. My head feels the same as when they took me off the oxygen in the ER...rooms spins even when sitting.

I find out on Friday if they will do surgery or if I will just take medicines to heal the area. The doctors in the ER said this was very rare and I needed to stop worrying. Ya - like a doctor telling me that (as I am already stressing the hospital bill) is going to help change anything.

I hear over and over again that I need to stop worrying. While I UNDERSTAND that I do - does anyone else understand what I am dealing with, what I am going through?

If your entire world were being turned upside down, everything you had worked for your entire married life being taken away, basic bills and needs not being met would you be able to stop worrying? I have a mortgage due in about 15 days and honestly we have had so many other bills that we have decided to pay that I don't know where my mortgage payment is going to come from!!

Yesterday the doctors didn't want to send me home. My blood pressure was low, my heart rate was low even my temperature was low (96.6). The monitors kept on beeping and they kept on coming in and doing a double check. The one doctor told me, "Not to be rude but you look cruddy. I don't want to say you have to be admitted but I am putting it out there." I wanted to go home sooo bad and just get some good sleep in but at the same time, I too was concerned to leave. The pain is bad. My stomach hurts. My entire body just feels cruddy so I guess I am glad that at least I look how I feel!

In the end my worry wart came out and I thought, "How on EARTH would I pay the $100/day required by insurance for the hospital stay? I don't have the money, I will just go home." As we got ready to leave, I had a wave of pain hit me. The nurse didn't want to take off my wrist band or have me sign the papers. The doctor hesitated again. All of us were hesitant but I really did need some uninterrupted sleep and I didn't have the money to pay the $100 a night for it. I signed the papers and walked out of the ER.

A day later, I still don't know if I made the correct decision.

I am really hoping that medicine alone will solve my problem but I have a feeling that I am going to be under the knife (or scope...whatever) to fix this. It hurts!!!

Also - all the stupid freaking narcotics they have put in my system have left me with a headache the size of Texas. Taking more meds isn't going to help..just gotta have them flush out of my system.

Today I feel completely down trodden. Why does my health have to suffer? Why do I have to have these health problems? I already have enough on my plate!!! UGH!

Now I get to worry about the 5 lbs I gained, the $50 hospital co-pay plus whatever else they want to tack on there, the $35 co-pay for Fridays visit plus any other things that have to be done. I can't take the financial pressure much longer!!!! I am so grateful I will be working to help but right now I feel like that money isn't even going to start to dig us out of our nasty, horrible abyss of financial darkness. I hate being in debt and not having income. I hate our situation 99% of the time and worry about it 110% of the time.

I still will say the gastric bypass was 100% the correct decision. The ulcer would have come either way and could have been MUCH worse without the surgery than with it.

I am appreciative of Ben and what a wonderful husband he is.

Things have to get better! They just have too!!!!

Monday, September 27, 2010

And now...

It's official...I start my new job at jetBlue airways on October 12, 2010.

I have mixed emotions but I am going to try and stay as positive as I can. I am excited to be working for a good company. I am excited that eventually (after 6 weeks), I will be able to work from home. I am excited that we will have free flight benefits.

Change is here...and it is always scary!

Saturday, September 25, 2010


Today was our primary activity. The month of September has been SUPER busy in primary. We had the program last week (it was a hit...the kids are simply amazing).

The activity today was super fun and Becca came up with the funnest idea of "touring the holy lands". We took and decorated different rooms. We recreated the places that Jesus had walked. I personally think it turned out really well.

At each place there was a simple lesson of what Jesus did for us and then an activity to follow.

One of the biggest hits was the feet washing. My girls thought that was the bees knees to get their feet washed by Sarah. It was touching because it does show love.

The children also searched for lost sheep, watch a science experiment while talking about miracles, went fishing and road the "rapids" of the River Jordan.

I truly am grateful for my calling and the wonderful children in primary. They are a huge blessing in my life and help strengthen my testimony daily. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for knowing just what I needed at this stage in my life.

I also am very grateful for the amazing women I get to serve with and learn from in Primary. Becca constantly amazes me and I truly admire her. Aubree is fun, happy and I am so grateful to be gaining a friendship with her and I hope it continues to grow. Sarah is kind and an amazing listener. Sarah has an amazing love for others...I truly admire her so much for that.

I also am truly grateful for my husband. Ben helped me through my whole area of the River Jordan. He helped my section run smoothly and I am so grateful for him and his help!

I am truly blessed with an amazing husband, children, family and friends. Even though I have my major faults...I must have done something right to get all these amazing people in my life!!

One of those uncomfortable infertility subjects - not the PCOS one I whine about all the time...this one is male related

Just so you know...I am just putting it all out there and I figure I gave ample warning in my title. If you don't want to be reading about the male anatomy and don't think you can look Ben in the eyes after without thinking of this post, you might not want to read it! :) Just Sayin'!!!!

You know when your husband is willing to not only go to the doctor but call and make the appointment on his own...that there has to be a big reason. When the doctor is a Urologist you really start to worry.

Turns out...we should have been worried and should have been in a year ago! When we got in the room with the Urologist and he asked Ben what was going on Ben got his sheepish "crap I...ummm... why am I here, what should I say, I am embarrassed and speechless" look on his face. He smiled and tried several times to talk until I was wondering if I should step in and help him out then he finally mustered up the words, "Well it is kinda embarrassing".

The doctor truly was amazing. He chuckled a little and said, "Ya cause no one EVER comes to a urologist about something embarrassing." That seemed to ease the tension and Ben was able to tell symptoms and problems (which he was so easily able to type up on his blog I might add).

Ben was diagnosed with Prostatitis. After the check up he was in immense pain from it all and has been all day - poor guy!

What is Prostatitis?

  • Well basically it is an inflammed prostate.
  • It is not cancer. A weakened prostate is more vulnerable and if untreated will kill you but it won't cause the cancer. I was relieved to learn it won't cause cancer.
  • It is extremely painful. I mean HELLO my husband took initiative to call and schedule an appointment with a urologist! First time EVER he has made his own doctors appointment in the 9 years we have been married!!!
  • It does cause infertility (to put it mildly not only because the act to get me pregnant is painful but it kills all the swimmers too).
  • It can last forever and be something he never overcomes. :(
  • Spicy foods are BAD on the prostate (Ben was NOT happy to learn this cause he likes most his food to be SPICY...hello there is jar of Jalapenos that only he eats and is gone in a month!!)

This is just one more infertility battle we will be fighting. Luckily, the infertility is reversible once you get the prostate healthy again. In cases of chronic prostatitis, infertility can still be beat. Ben will be on antibiotic for at least a month. Once he finishes 1 months worth of medicine, he will have to go back in for more testing. If it all appears clear they will not have to do any "procedures"...we are definitely rooting for the no procedures route.

I realized something today. Going to a urologist for a man is awkward! I went to a urologist a year and a half ago. Not awkward. Talked up my crazy bladder infection issues and got stuff taken care of (same doctor as Ben's actually).

Today was awkward during the urologist exam. It wasn't the doctor cause honestly he was a great doctor. I am not sure if it is because men make it more awkward or if it just IS more awkward - going to an OB/GYN and doing a yearly and talking up all the private business is sooo much easier. Seriously, Ben and I have been to a million OB/GYN appointments and thousands of the "fun" exams. He has always been in the room and it was never awkward. Maybe this is just my view point. Maybe, as Ben has said, I just have just gotten used to and expected the awkward OB/GYN appointments and know what to expect! Both are "private and personal" but honestly the urologist is more awkward.

I am going to blame men and their pride for this one. Not sure why other than I can't find another reason!

As a side note: We were talking about Ben's high liver enzyme problem with the doctor and he asked if Ben had been checked for gallstones. We both looked quizzical and said no why? The doctor informed us his levels actually could indicate that it was his gallbladder and not his liver that is having the issues. It also would make sense why his stomach gets really upset after eating ANYTHING that is semi greasy! We may have just killed 2 birds with 1 stone (or at least figured out 2 problems...actually killing the birds will mean surgery on the gallbladder).

So there you have it...our probably WAY to personal information on Ben's prostate!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Raw Emotions

I have been a basket case with emotions lately.

I can't handle any more.

I HATE HATE HATE that I have to get a job.

I LOVE that I am able to get a job with the company I want to work for.

Did I mention that I HATE that I am having to get the job though?

My heart is breaking. I am mad. I am frustrated.

Today I had to get a letter that I was a stay at home mom. It absolutely BREAKS me heart that I have to give up that title...that my resume will have more than that on it. Stay at Home Mom has been the most important and BEST title ever in my life...I do NOT want to give it up. Yes I will still have title of Mom and that won't be taken away and I am grateful for that. I am just struggling with giving up the other part of that title.

Having to get a letter stating I am a stay at home mom has been emotional because I know that in getting that letter, I am changing my most coveted title, the only one I ever wanted.

I am sitting here BAWLING as my niece and nephew look at me like I am CRAZY! I guess I probably am.

I don't know why I am being put in the position I am being put in. I hate that it puts pressure on my marriage.

I know that Heavenly Father has lead and directed me in this direction. I know that He is guiding me. I know He is watching over me. It breaks my heart at the same time. I know that my Savior can heal my broken heart but right now it feels so broken I don't know how it can even start to be healed.

I have certain people that I hold a lot of anger towards right now and I don't like that either.

I hate this vulnerability. I HATE that I have to be the sole bread winner. I know we have grown from our trial this last year but this part of it makes me so mad again. I don't understand why Heavenly Father gave us this particular trial. In blessings I have been told over and over again that their is a bigger reason, a bigger picture and that I need to realize there is an eternal picture here. I just don't know what nor can I see what that is. I am having a REALLY hard time wrapping my brain around the eternal prospective when right here and now my heart is breaking and seems as though my life is falling apart.

I feel as though I am failing at the one thing I was told is the most important. I hate feeling like a failure. Right now I feel like everything is failing and falling around me and it frustrates me. Part of me (and I will admit it is the rebellious bad part) wants to say screw it to everything! Why am I trying so hard to make it all work when all I am doing is falling further behind and failing more and more.

A simple letter asking for a simple statement has brought up a TON of raw, hard emotions!

Poor Ben gets to deal and work through these with me.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Today has been a fun filled and different Saturday than most.

We woke up at 7:00 (that right there sets it apart) to get Ben off and gone. Ben had the great opportunity to go to the Reno Air Races/Show with his dad, brother and brother in law.

After getting Ben off for a fun weekend adventure, the girls and I went and met my family for a Happy Birthday Breakfast for Natalie. The girls had a blast showing pictures of our newest member of the family...a sugar glider.

The sugar glider joined the family on Friday night. So far he is still alive...not sure about much more than that!

After breakfast, Bret and Nat had us to go their house to get free tickets to the State Fair. It was after 11 by the time we headed back home to change for the fair. I was EXHAUSTED and decided I HAD to nap or else we would die (I was falling asleep driving).

After a restful, quick nap the girls and I headed down to the fair. We had a BLAST! The girls got to see the sea lion show; eat foot long corn dogs and slurpees; walk and see MANY animals (chickens, sheep, cows, pigs and even a HUGE alligator); ride a carnival ride (This terrified them and Katy was in TEARS through the whole Tidal Wave ride...I am not as good of a protector as Dad is I guess ); play a carnival game and actually win a stuff animal (panda bear)!!!; eat some cotton candy; HAVE A BLAST!

It truly was so much fun getting to experience the fair. I hope they enjoyed it as much as I did.

After the fair was over, we went to Jana's house for a while. Darin made some delicious fajitas and I ate some - YUM! We then went to Ben's parents for some "girl time" while the boys were off playing in Reno. It was fun.

Tonight I am exhausted!!! Seriously, I want to sleep forever. Tomorrow is the primary program. I hope and pray it all goes together smoothly!

Today I am grateful that me and my girls got the opportunity to go to the fair. It was wonderful!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Quotes of the Day

Today Lyse:

"Mom, today I got to watch the Prophet of the United States on the TV" Um you mean President, right Lyse?! :)

Today Katy:

"Mom you are the bestest mom ever" Awe schucks!

Today Ben:

"Have you noticed that the girls are giving more loves and hugs lately. I love that they are so kind and loving." Ya, me too honey!!

Today Me:

"Please oh please give me a midol, a midrin, some cough syrup, a peanut butter cookie, an uninterrupted nap and then maybe I can survive the day"**

**My quote of the day in no way reflected my amazing children or husband! Mine has to do with blacking out EVERY time I stand up, coughing up my lungs, head throbbing CONSTANTLY, craving (and unfortunately eating) peanut butter in any and EVERY form like it is going out of business and being so freaking tired that I am going to bed early, waking up late, taking naps and waking up EXHAUSTED from every form of sleep. I wish the headache was from too much sleep but it goes away then comes back with a vengence about the time I am so tired my eyes won't stay open. It isn't the normal exhaustion - it is the lethargic exhaustion. I think I have a bug and PMS and possibly mental exhaustion...whatever it is, it isn't being nice to me :( Yep that is me whining at midnight cause I was craving peanut butter sooo bad and even though I can BARELY keep my eyes open, I have peanut butter cookies* in the oven!

*Another side note - I am scared to death of the scale. Even though it isn't reading higher and clothes aren't fitting tighter - no human being can eat as much peanut butter as I have over the last few days and NOT have some of it move to their hips. Or can they? Since I was 300 lbs, I am pretty sure I am one that CAN'T. I need to break this craving, headache, exhaustion pattern cause it just is plain and simply not good for my waist line (even though right now it isn't hurting it).

Sunday, September 12, 2010

My girls keep me on my toes!

Tonight we had a treat filled night. It was fun to make the cookies with the girls and the margarita ice cream was yummy too but oh my goodness it wired Lyse!

We don't eat much sugar around here. Cookies and an ice cream shake treat in one night is a LOT! Add that Lyse was able to eat a couple cookies - not just 1 and then ate her entire shake - OH BOY! Seriously I can not put into words how bouncing off the walls she was.

As we were trying to read scriptures as a family tonight she would NOT sit still. It was crazy, well at least she was! We were trying desperately to keep some order but she was just all over the place.

At one point Ben was reading about the Angel coming down and talking to Laman and Lemuel. After Ben had finished reading about the angel I stopped him for a minute and turned to Lyse.

"Lyse what did the Angle say to Laman and Lemuel?" I questioned her.

Her eyes wildly searched around for an answer and she finally hesitantly answered, "Um...And it came to pass?"

Ben and I had a good laugh. So many of the scriptures start with that phrase, so I am super proud of her for knowing that at least. :)

As for Katy. The two of us have been arguing since Friday. She has said she has no school on Monday morning. I have argued she does, it was Labor Day that she got Monday off and that was last week. The argument has been brought up each time I mention school on Monday. Today she was insistent she should not go tomorrow and I was insisting she would.

Finally exasperated I said, "Fine Katy come with me to the calendar. See this right here says...oh um you don't have school."

She did an "I told you so" dance and song as I ate crow pie. She was right and I have learned that before I insist she has school when she insists she does not that I better check the calendar!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Quick Update


- Started Dance at her school. She is super excited. It is ever Thursday right after school for an hour. She is loving it! I am so grateful to provide dance for her again! She has begged to get back in ever since she was taken out in the middle of her 1st grade year! She is learning ballet, jazz and hip hop.

- She had a field trip yesterday, Friday, September 10. It was a walking field trip and I went with her. It was super fun. I wish I had been nicer to her when she wasn't listening though! I hate that I got a little cross with her :( I wish I were a perfect mom! Other than the math homework glitch in not listening, it was a super fun day! It was fun to play and talk to the kids. I even introduced our favorite treat of apples and peanut butter to Katy's best friend and another good friend of hers!

- Katy's best friend is Lexi Green. Her second best friend is Claire Owens.

- Katy is a wonderful, amazing, sweet, kind girl that tries hard to do what is asked of her and what is right. Her prayers at night are always very heartfelt!


- She is LOVING dance as well. Her classes are also on Thursday following Katy's class. It truly is such a fun thing to watch her dance. She loves it more than anything else! She took dance for a short time when she was 3 but refused to go without me and I took her out. She has not been back to dance since. She wanted to start last year but the funds just weren't there. This year she begged and begged and I was grateful for the school program. She is also learning ballet, jazz and hip hop. She has the same teacher as Katy but some different songs and such. She loves the "Singing in the Rain" dance :)

- Kindergarten is going fantastic. She loves school and she loves her teacher. Couldn't ask for a better start to her education than her amazing preschool last year and her fantastic Kindergarten year so far. I am the room mom in her class and super excited to get to be that involved in her life.

- Lyse tries so hard to do what is right and have fun doing it. Her prayers ALWAYS ask for us to have fun - which I find very sweet!


- His faith and Spiritual growth this last year is amazing. The other day when I was saying how much I was not liking our current situation he said, "Even though I know it isn't easy and I know it is hard, I am grateful I am not at that job. I have grown Spiritually in ways I never could have working there. I am better off spiritually not having that job." I guess I always need to remember the bigger picture! Eternal life and Spirituality is much more important than a prestigious job with money; although, I really would love enough money to survive without me having to work.

- The company is not doing as well as we had hoped. I feel horrible that my going to work as he puts it "makes me feel emasculated". I know and feel that this is the path we are meant to be on but I wonder for how long. Is it really going to work? Thankfully Ben is great about having and keeping faith! He is getting and securing more contacts - which is HUGE in the business.

- Elder's Quorum President is something Ben has finally embraced. He loves his calling but still struggles with accomplishing everything. He was telling me the other day, "I wish more people would realize that Home Teaching in the church isn't about numbers. You can cheat the numbers if you have to. Home teaching is in place for the people. The church is about the people, making sure they are ok, helping, leading and guiding them. I wish I could just get my guys to realize that Home Teaching is doing the Lord's work in the simplest form. People need to know that they are not forgotten, that people still care about them. Home Teaching is part of that! The church is really about helping others."

Let me just say - WOW! 1 year ago Ben was trying to find ways to get out of his calling, now he is trying to find ways to helps others in his stewardship realize the importance of their Priesthood responsibilities. He truly has grown and I am grateful for that!


- Most likely starting work for Jetblue in October 2010. Going back to work after being a solely stay at home mom is really hard. I am grateful the Lord hasn't blessed us with a baby and kinda fear he suddenly will after I start work. I don't know if I could work with a little one. I know my girls are still young and little but at least they are both in school. I feel REALLY blessed with this job and eternally grateful to a Heavenly Father who does provide a may not be easy but it is a way!

- I got a blessing from Ben, before all the Jetblue interview and such. In the blessing I was blessed with the strength I would need to follow the plan set forth. I thought that was odd because getting the job with Jetblue would be "easy emotionally" - I thought. Um WRONG!!! It has been really hard emotionally on me...much, much harder than I expected. I keep thinking back to that blessing - so grateful I do have a Father Heaven that in his infinite wisdom blessed me with that strength before I even knew I needed it.

- I LOVE my calling in Primary and I pray and hope that nothing will mess with that. I have faith that our Father in Heaven KNOWS my desire to keep my calling and still serve. I also have faith that He will make a miracle happen with my Sunday shifts so that I can still fully participate in church and my calling.

- Primary is super busy right now. We have the program in 2 weeks and then the activity the next week (so in 3 weeks). We are super busy and I think we will ALL be grateful for a week "off" for General Conference after our program and then activity. Ok truth is, I am just looking forward to a weekend of listening to men of God teaching us the words He is wanting us to know and follow right now!

Family Life

- We are still managing to read scriptures every night before family prayer. I really hope we can just make this part of our schedules, part of our routine. I LOVE the Spirit that comes into the home as we read the words of God!

- Still in the condo. Still have the minivan.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

The email came and the emotions that followed

Well today I got an email from Jetblue.

Yesterday they said that if you get to the background check and then pass the background check you have the job.

Today they asked for my information on the background check. Since I am not overly concerned about my background, I think I have the job.

Since the job hasn't "officially" been offered to me, I can't say for sure but I am fairly certain I will be starting on October 12 of this year.

It has been a day of mixed emotions. Tears of relief. Tears of sadness. It kills me to give up being a full-time stay at home mom but I know that I need to help provide for my family. I know this will NOT be an easy road but I do know that I am supposed to be on this path.

This job isn't going to provide riches but it will provide enough money for us to be able to cover our medical insurance premiums and food. We will FINALLY be able to get off food stamps (which I am really excited about). We won't have more money for food. We might even have less than the $211 for the 4 of us in a month but at least it will be out of our own pockets instead of the govt (i.e. the working class Americans).

Please pray for me! I am really struggling with this. I still have my hopes high but I am TERRIFIED at the same time that something will make this not work out and we really need it to. I hate that I will have to work M-F, 40 hours a week for 4 weeks. I hate that I am not going to be able to make it to all of my childrens' programs and events. I hate that someone else will control my time - my time that I usually spend with and for my children.

Even with all that, I am grateful!

I am grateful to a Father in Heaven that is fully aware of me and my family's needs. I am grateful He loves us enough to help provide a mean and way to live. I know His hand has been involved in this process. I am still concerned about Sunday shifts but I have faith and peace that He is in control. He has lead and guided me to this job and He wants me to church on Sundays as well so I know a way will be provided...I am going to just have to work hard and make the sacrifices needed to get to church on Sundays.

I am grateful for President Boyd K. Packer's message that I got on facebook today.

"I bear witness of the power of the priesthood given to the Church to protect us and guide us. And because we have that, we have no fear of the future. Fear is the opposite of faith. We move forward, certain that the Lord will watch over us, particularly in the family." Pres. Boyd K. Packer May 2010

Each and every time I read that I KNOW my Father in Heaven is very personally aware of my situation. I hate that I have to go to work and leave my children. I hate that I no longer will be following the guidance of the Prophets in asking moms to please try and stay home; however, I do know that our situation is dire. This is not a job to gain luxuries...this is a job to maintain needs - shelter, food and clothes. I am grateful for Pres. Packer's wise words reminding me that the priesthood is here to protect and guide us, especially in the family.

I hope and pray my children will not be negatively affected. I hope that this doesn't make them think that when they get married they should leave their children and work. I want them to know that the most important place a mom can be is in the home, raising her children. Our desire for a house, another car and traveling are wants and they are not more important than being there for your children. Unfortunately, our situation is a needs. We need to be able to pay our utilities, medical and for food. I hope and pray my girls will see my love for them in doing this and know it is not easy but it is for them!!!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I had my first job interview in 9 years today. It was very nerve wracking. I hope and pray I get the job. I feel like it is the right fit for my family but it concerns me still. If I don't get this job I have to keep searching.

We unfortunately have a need for me to work. With working being a need, this job is the one I WANT.

I don't know how I did in the interview. I feel like I did ok but who knows. I do know that what is supposed to happen will be the Lord's will, his hand is in this all.

I am grateful for scriptures. Last night while reading I read a scripture passage that I SWEAR was written for me right now in my life.

On a side note - we have done a pretty good job of making sure that our girls have had family prayer and scripture study every night since making the goal. I hope to get this into such a great habit that for the rest of our lives it is just habit.

Today I feel good and I am grateful for a Father in Heaven that loves me. I will be devastated if I don't get this job but I KNOW that what is meant to happen will! I just keep praying that I can have the strength to follow what I know needs done.

Monday, September 6, 2010


This month our bishop has asked all the families in our ward to get back to the basics: family scripture study daily, family prayer daily, individual scripture study daily and individual prayer daily and then weekly family home evenings.

Ben and I have been trying extremely hard to really implement these same things into our daily lives but lately I have found us slacking, especially in regards to scripture study and family home evening.

I want to be better at this. I know that when we read the scriptures in our home, I feel the spirit more acutely. I am able to recognize the Spirit and its' promptings easier too! I am so grateful that we have a bishop that sets monthly goals for the ward and then encourages it!

We are good about family and individual prayer daily. Family Home Evening we are ok at but not perfect. Since we have been bad about reading scriptures as a family daily, I decided to really focus on that. I am not perfect but I hope that we can get this implemented into our family life, so that it is just habit, like nightly family prayer.

Wish me luck. I know it will be worth it!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Attitude Adjustment

Totally kept negativity up here too long! I am really sorry for that.

Life has been a bit crazy over the past 2 days. After loosing it on the blog and even more in real life I asked Ben for a blessing.

I am soooo grateful for the priesthood power that brings me so much comfort.

I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me and tries to show it to me...I just need to come to him to receive it! I also need to be better about watching for it!

Life hasn't been perfect but I know we will be ok.

Last night we had to max out our credit card because the brakes went out on the van. It wasn't just the brakes was the entire brake system - pads, rotors and calipers on the front end. Ben could have done it but we couldn't get the parts. We were REALLY blessed in the end to only have to pay $90 more than Ben could have done it and even with us price matching every little part for each thing. Why we finally went with Les Schwab was not because we wanted to pay the $90 to have someone do it - it was that we couldn't get the parts until next week. We needed a car (since we only own 1). I feel soooo blessed and really feel as though we were guided and directed and we got a really good deal. I feel we had a tithing blessing and miracle - even though there was a problem.

I am thankful.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

My attitude stinks!

Some things make you mad.

Some things make you sad.

Some things make you happy.

Some things make you content.

I MUCH prefer the bottom two verses the top two. I think everyone does.

Lately I have noticed the top 2 have crept into my life WAY too much. I hate the situation that I am in.

The feeling of discontent can ALWAYS be in your life, even once you have everything so finding contentment when you have nothing makes it much easier to feel contentment when you have an abundance.

For example: Currently I am weighing about 139 lbs and fit in a size 8. I am happy with my weight - not happy with my size. I want to be a size 6.

Now when I read that I think - STUPID!!! Of course size 8 is a great size to be. But there is a but. I want to be a size 6. I want my jeans to say "6" not "8" on them. For some reason "8" doesn't say skinny to me. Now you can argue and reason with me all day and I will agree that you are right but I can't get my mindset to change. I know part of that is because I look at a size "6" as my dream size. My dream weight was and is 139/140 lbs so I should be happy and content - nope this is silly me!

I used to dream of a size 6 and weighing 139 lbs. I need to learn to be content with my size 8 and 139 lbs.

Another example: I should be content that we are making our mortgage payment every month. I should be content that we are making our car payment and that we have a place to call home and car to get us where we need to go. again. I am not content or even nearly happy with the situation I find our family in. I hate it. Lately that hate has become stronger and stronger. Know what I hate the most?!? I hate that if Ben was still with the FAA right now we would be making a 6 figure income. Yeah I know might of been, could have been, should have been...yada yada wasn't so it isn't. It shouldn't matter but the problem is - it DOES!

So I guess when you get to the root of this...I hate that where we could of been is not where we are. I can look at the other side and I am trying to but lately it has been so hard! I am sick of getting left out of so much because I plain and simply do not have money.

I hate that my whole family went on a cruise and I couldn't afford to go.

I hate that my sister and parents are going to Hawaii and I can't afford to go.

I hate that my parents and brother went to the Broadway in UT showing of "The Lion King" and I couldn't afford to go.

I hate that I have to borrow a car when we have more than 1 place to be at the same time cause we don't even have a second car anymore.

I hate that I have to live off state help to get food in my house.

I hate that I have an electricity bill that I have no way of paying other than putting it on a credit card.

I hate that to even go CAMPING I had to get money from my parents to pay for the gas to the Uintas.

I hate that right now my life sucks!!!!

I am so sick of our situation. Mentally I don't know how much more I can take!

I am disgruntled with life and where I have found myself and what is going to have to take place to even just survive.

It. Is. Not. Fair!!!

I know the Lord has His reasons behind everything. I know He has a plan for our family and that is why we are where we are at. I just wish He would throw me a bone. I am sick of the struggling and feeling alone! I wish He would show me WHY our family couldn't have that financial security.

I am at my breaking point! How can I change this? What can I do? Why does my life have to be a financial failure?

I am NOT asking for millions. My list of worldly things is small and simple.

1. Own a house with a backyard and grass - not a stupid, freaking condo that is 900 sq ft and has a small cement patio. The house does NOT have to be huge. It does NOT have to be modern. I would just like it to have more than 900 sq ft...1400 on one level of 1800 on 2 would be amazing, awesome and a dream come true right now. Any more than that and I would feel like I owned a mansion!!

2. Own a second vehicle. Sharing a vehicle while driving carpool, trying to make it to job interviews and doctors appointments is proving to be a hassle. I am already having to work around the 1 car situation and making sure my kids are to school and picked up on time is such a headache and now with the potential of me having to commute to work every morning and get home at the same times children need to get to school - I want a second car. yes I said want. None of these things on my lists are a true "need" for survival. I know that!!! Heck even a bike so that I could bike to work would suffice - but I don't even have that!

3. Have a savings account again. Yes we were blessed to have savings. We would be DEAD in the water without it. I am grateful we had what we had....I just wish I could have spent it how I had planned and promised my girls - a vacation and a house. This, I think, is the only thing on my want list that is technically something that is on the "need" list too. Everyone needs a savings account.

4. Be able to take a vacation. This I need desperately. I NEED to get away!!! I need to get out of town. I don't need to go to Hawaii (although I want to). I don't need to go to even California. I would be happy with a couple days in ID or Vegas. I can't afford either of those luxuries.

5. Be able to afford clothing for me and my family. I have lost weight this year...about 160 lbs to be precise. In that time I have been so super de duper blessed to only have had to purchase: 1 pair pants (it also came with a plain white t-shirt) for $9, 1 blouse for $3, 2 shirts for $2.50, 1 dress so I had one that fit for Katy's baptism $20, 1 skirt for $10, 1 pair of capris for $12, 1 exercise pants for $3 and this last week I splurged and purchased a pair of jeans for $20. I did not have 1 pair of long pants that fit me.


I know this is a rant but to feel ubber guilty over spending approximately $80 in the last YEAR on clothes for me. I would like to repeat that this is also the last YEAR in which I have lost an entire person - 160 lbs. Of the clothes I have purchased over the last year, I only purchased when I had no other clothes that fit me. I felt horrid for purchasing a pair of pants for me when I had no other long pants that fit me.

I went from this:
To this:

In 1 year - this is my 1 year photo.

Yes I am blessed. I am soooo blessed to have lost the weight. I am so immensely blessed that we had amazing insurance. I am SOOOO Grateful to have lost the weight. This rant in NO way is trying to back pedal or not show how grateful that I have been able to do that! And I also want to note that I probably did say I would trade all my riches in the world to be skinny and able to live life. Living my life is super special and the fact that I can now live my life is HUGE!! I probably did curse myself so I only have myself to blame but still this is my illogical rant - so I am going to rant!

I was also blessed that I didn't have to purchase and was able to have clothes that worked for me. Many times I have worn several things that have not been my style and I have not liked not because I wanted to but because I had no other options. I have counted myself lucky to spend so little. I want to though! I want to be able to shop and get some clothes that I really like. And as you can see from clothes are still cute so I guess I really shouldn't complain. The capris on the ones I purchased...I only had those and 1 other pair of hand me down capris that I wore all summer.

Today I was embarrassed when someone asked me why on earth I was wearing a Bingham High School shirt when I went to Copper Hills. I then got to explain it is cause I have only 3 t-shirts that fit me: 1 I got when I was 19 and I gave to my sister and she gave it back to me a couple months ago, 1 is a t-shirt from my sister and one of her tropical destinations vacations and she no longer wanted it. It is a bit too big but it is a t-shirt after all so that doesn't matter much (I wear that yellow t-shirt a lot when we are hiking). The last - well the last is this sisters old high school t-shirt she wore on Bingham High game days. I wear what I can get and I am grateful for it. I just wish I could afford to spend a little bit of money on getting me some clothes that fit and I feel good in. Oh wait - I did do was my $20 jeans and I have felt HORRIBLY guilty ever since - even though my sister gave me the money to buy myself the jeans. That money should have went to the bills.

So ya, ya I know poor pity me. This wasn't to make others think that I am a whiner (even though I am being one) or a spoiled little rich girl going through some hard times. Yes I was spoiled growing up and I am learning that more each day.

I would just like to no longer qualify for food stamps. At least then we are making enough that the govt. will no longer have pity on us and our income situation!!!

Once again - I am grateful for what we do have. Even from our meager $1500/month right now we have had less in the past. For 2 months over the summer...we had MUCH less - like $0!

Help me focus on happy and good please! I don't know how much more I can take!!! I have done this for so long and since I am not seeing a positive turn in the future I feel trapped! I just want to see a positive light at the end of what seems like a never ending dark abyss!

My life is hard right now but I guess it could be worse. We could be in this situation and I could have that 160 lb person attached to me still.

There are more positives...I will continue looking for them!!