Monday, December 27, 2010

Let them be little

I miss my old life. I miss the times when the kids were out of school and all I had to think or worry about was them.

Work has been mandatory overtime, my kids are out of school and I am depressed. I miss my kids! I miss being able to just be their mom. I so desperately want to just be home with them again.'

You never know why we are put in the situations in life we are. There is always a reason. I keep my chin up and try to find the fun but at times like this it is DANG hard. All I want is to be there with and for my kids. I want to spend the day playing or snuggling with them.

Work has over-ran my life the past few weeks.

Tomorrow I will once again get up and try my hardest to make the day about them...about my children for the few hours until I have to work. But tonight, tonight I am devastated and having my moment of tears. They grow too dang fast as it is! 24 hours a week may not seem like a ton but it is 1 full day of my life in a week taken for work...add in that it is of awake hours and my life is consumed.

I am grateful for my job. I am grateful that bills are paid. I know the Lord has and will continue to bless our family...I just pray I don't loose it before then! I keep thinking of the song, "Let them be little...let them sleep in the middle...oh let them be little". I have seen my Katy struggle with "growing up" the last few weeks and I hate it. I just want to let her be little! I regret so much in life but my biggest regrets are having them grow up too fast!!

My life is blessed because of my children! I miss them!!!!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

It's Christmas Time :) (Of course I have to show our tree...)

I love decorating the Christmas Tree. I can hardly wait to get the tree up each year. This year we got a new tree...the old one had seen its' day!

Every year varies at this house on when the tree can and will go up but we always try to put it up the weekend after Thanksgiving. Ben has always had a rule of "NO Christmas before Thanksgiving"...this year he must have just known I needed something more. The day before Thanksgiving all my nativities and Christmas decorations were out and decorating the house. I did need it too! We did wait to put the tree up the day AFTER Thanksgiving!

We had a lot of fun decorating the tree and I am even in some of the pictures as Katy decided to take over with the camera for a bit! What a sweetie to want me in the memories too - just hate that I looked so "Lovely"...oops guess you better always be prepared for a camera when making fun memories while decorating the Christmas tree!

Our tree decorating tradition goes as follows: Ben and I get the tree up and ready while the girls are off doing something else. The girls appear as the decorations and ornaments come out. Mad chaos ensues as memories are shared over each fun ornament and who gets to put what on the tree. Eventually, the tree is covered in memories and we hope a few new fun ones have been created. At the end of the night, we drink egg nog and/or chocolate milk from our nice Christmas glasses and sit on the couch enjoying the beautiful lights of the tree while talking about Christmas. I LOVE it!

This year Katy danced to the music for a bit and we all enjoyed the peace and happiness that Christmas trees bring! I tried to get Lyse to dance but she was enjoying just taking it all in...she must be more like me than I realized. There is NOTHING like sitting and just soaking in the warmth of a Christmas tree!

I am truly blessed with a beautiful family!!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Every family has different holiday traditions. Ben and I have a couple but many are carried over from what we had growing up. One that is a bit different (because it is one that neither of us did EVERY year growing up) and we do every year with our family is Gingerbread Houses. Every year we decorate a Gingerbread house. I LOVE the tradition and so do the girls! Here are some fun pictures from this year!

O' Christmas Tree, O' Christmas Tree, How lovely are thy branches (especially when lit 24/7)

I love Christmas trees.

During the Christmas season I love to just sit in the living room with the lights off and the tree lights on, starring at the tree. It brings so much peace to my soul.

Growing up I HATED when my parents would say, "Turn off the tree lights and come to bed". It just killed me. As an adult, I found I felt the same just killed me to turn the lights off. There was 1 night that the tree lights stayed on all night and that was Christmas Eve. I was always sad that the 1 night I had to go to bed early was the night the tree lights stayed on all night long.

After Ben and I got married the tradition of turning off the tree still killed me, but I did it anyway. We had both been raised where the tree lights were turned off each night and turned back on the following evening. This year is the first year I had a realization - I am now the mom! I can now make the decision to leave the tree lights on 24/7. I am happy to announce I LOVE being the adult for once! I love that my tree lights can be on all day and all night. (Now they aren't because well we have pesky cats that have learned how to turn them off...but they turn them back on within a short while.)**

I love the peace a Christmas tree turned on and shining brings to me. There is nothing I can compare it to. I love to see and FEEL the memories on the tree. I love the feeling of the Spirit. I could sleep on the couch every night during the Christmas season...close to the warmth of the beautiful tree.

**I would like to note: You don't need to fear the over-heating and fire issues. I do pay attention to the heat. We also have a tree that is all LED lights so they don't heat up the same. Our tree is also not real. The combination of these three things does help my love for tree lights 24-7.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Faith not Fear

Every time I think there is no possible just won't work out - it does.

The stress and pain are never easy. I am still wondering HOW it will work but I know it will.

Faith is something that can easily be over ran and devoured by fear if we allow it.

This week I will be grateful for my job (even if it means I have to work 6 hours on Christmas day).

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I am thankful for...

1. When people listen to the Spirit (including me).

2. Knowing prayers are answered.

3. A husband that loves me (and that I love him).

4. 2 beautiful gorgeous amazing daughters.

5. Gainful employment for not only me but my husband!

6. Knowing when the Spirit speaks to me.

7. Christmas trees

8. Real fires and the smoke coming out of the chimney and the wonderful smell it creates.

9. Snow on Christmas.

10. Watching the joy of children at Christmas time.

11. My family.

12. My overall health and the blessing of loosing weight.

13. A warm bed to climb into at night and getting to snuggle up to my husband.

14. My Savior and Redeemer. I know this should be higher up on the list and I thought it as the first one but didn't want to be "oh ya you just had to say that". I really truly do feel love and appreciation for Him. I am so grateful for Him and I know I don't show or express that enough. So even though the number says #14, it truly is a #1!

15. Having beautiful temples not far away!

16. I do have things to be happy for in life and that when I focus on them, life is better!

17. That I get to wake up every morning to beautiful daughters and drive carpool to school with them.

18. Computers...I admit I love my internetz with email, blogs and yes Facebook. I love being able to stay in contact with family and friends even if they live far away!

19. Christmas tree ornaments that have meaning behind them!!

20. A car that runs and gets us safely from point a to point b.

21. Clothing that I can wear - especially in that really cold weather outside!!

22. Electricity.

23. The ability to bake and enjoy it. I love finding a yummy recipe and making and sharing the food. It doesn't matter if it is just my little family or a large group - I enjoy it!

24. Grocery stores. I really like that I don't have to go out and butcher my own meat in order to have it! I love that I can get fresh, yummy veggies year round and not only when the garden is in full bloom.

25. Warm blankets...nothing better!

26. Babies!!

27. A child's smile.

28. A child's faith and undeniable love for their Savior.

29. MY childrens' excitement for Christmas.

30. Pets. I do love my cats.

31. Public education.

32. A free country and the fact that I have never had to know anything different!

33. The magic of Christmas and SANTA!!

34. A home...I have not expressed this enough lately but I really am grateful that I have a home. I know it isn't a house but it IS a home. There are many out there that have houses but not a home...I don't want that. I am grateful for my home. I am trying to no longer look at the size, location or position of my home as a reason for why it isn't good enough. It is my (and my family's) home and that is all that matters!!!!!!! This is a hard one but one I am willing to and continuing to work on changing this feeling.

35. The ability to change my attitude!!

I know it has been a bad poor pity me attitude lately. Please know I truly am trying. It is far easier to see what I don't have than what I do but I am trying and working on changing that. I am sorry and I apologize to everyone for this. I have known for a few weeks my attitude and heart were not where they needed to and should be but I haven't had the desire to change. I am still struggling with the desire but I know that I can't live like this...I need to live with an attitude of gratitude for my many many blessings. My life is deeply and richly blessed and I have just lost sight of that a bit and finding it is hard among all the conflict and chaos surrounding me. I am working on removing that chaos so once again I can see the truly most important things in life. Thank you for bearing with me through this all!!!!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Yep, once again I am a Debbie Downer - don't they have a pill to fix that?

I have a MASSIVE sinus infection. Anything touching my face around my sinuses makes me want to cry. There is so much pressure I think my head is going to explode and about right now that actually sounds like it would feel better than what I am currently dealing with. I am seriously suffering from vertigo because I can't balance anything do to so much congestion.

Sudafed, mucinex, Advil Sinus, Tylenol Sinus - all have failed me.

I want to cry but the thought of MORE congestion makes me cringe to even think about.

Top all this lovely happy feeling of goodness with the fact that I am really struggling with depression...let's just say I haven't been good company for anyone.

Poor Ben - pray for him and his patience cause he has needed it!

I had hoped that money would be ok once he started his job. I was isn't going to be an instant fix. I knew that deep down, I had just hoped it wouldn't be that way. Even with keeping Christmas meager, we are so strapped I have no clue how all our bills will get paid, we will have gas money and food in the house. Food is already dwindling fast.

As you can see, I am just a ray of sunshine in all aspects right now. I can honestly say right now I am not happy with my life. I hate that I have been sick NON-STOP for the last year. I hate that I have to have surgery to fix my sinus issue. I hate that I have no money to see the dr for it much less have the surgery!

I want to climb in bed and stay there indefinitely. Unfortunately, I am too dang busy to even eat a breakfast or lunch much less actually get a nap in.

Oh and I am going to ask the principal to remove Katy from her class and put her in a different one. Add that to my happy list and it is a million miles long. Katy's teacher has written her off as a failure. She has sent home SEVERAL papers with completely failing grades on them lately. She doesn't ask for a signature or for me to even look at them. I have looked at them and upon closer inspection found that instead of 33% or 40% she isn't getting the problems wrong that are marked wrong and she is truly getting 80-90%. When I approached her teacher about it I was told, "Well I didn't grade them". Ya well you more than gladly put them in your book and didn't think a second thing about it. If I saw a child getting a 33% a test and I were the teacher you better believe as I entered that grade into the book I would look over that test and think, "Why"? Not her teacher - she has come to "expect" that from Katy and that is wrong. Katy can and DOES get better grades than that and I won't accept her writing Katy off.

So much going on and I don't have 20 seconds to myself. I am not loving life. Maybe I need meds cause seriously I am trying but I can't see the good, positive, or happiness.

As for my weight - as of today 138. Not amazing but could be worse.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

All I want for Christmas is to be home...not home and working!

I am trying to smile on the outside when all I feel is darkness on the inside. I am trying to be happy but I can see that their are cracks and it is breaking down.

I don't like being a working mom. I hate it. If I could quit today I would in a heart beat. I want to be home with my children, taking care of them. My job is NOT a bad just isn't the one I truly want.

If I wasn't already struggling to make the mortgage payment this month I would SO just quit my job.

I miss my babies. I miss my family time. I miss my life and I don't like the new one that has replaced the old. I still have no money but I also don't have time with my children and husband and I have to rely on help from other to just survive. I Do.NOT.Like.This!!!

Yes I am down. Yes I am depressed. Yes all I want to do is cry.

Instead I am finishing this and get to go put on a chipper happy voice and say, "Welcome to Jetblue my name is Tauni how may I help you". I am great about not letting a soul on the phone ever suspect that 2 minutes before tears were in my eyes as I had to leave my little family to "figure it out" for whatever needs figured out so that I can go to work.

I loved being a stay at home mom and I mourn and truly miss no longer having it. For now I am going to duct tape up those cracks so no one will see the ugly darkness of how I truly feel inside.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Santa Claus IS coming to town afterall!!

I am always amazed at the way prayers are answered. When you are trying to do your best and doing all you can the Lord truly does send the blessings when you ask for them.

Friday I went into a bit of a panic. We were less than a month away from Christmas and not one Santa item had been purchased. It made me sick. As I looked at bills and our situation I could not see ANYWHERE that money was going to come from. That made me doubly sick! We had our kids write letters to Santa and as I read the lists and added up the price I could see that overall their list were small monetary wise (other than the laptop they both asked for a the ipod Lyse asked for). Even with the small amount, I still didn't know where on earth the money would come from.

I knelt down and prayed and begged with my Father in Heaven to send us a miracle. When I got up off my knees I felt inspired to look at the Toys R Us ad. Sure enough the Zhu Zhu pets and items for Katy and Lyse were on a 2 day sell. We also got a call and sold our Sugar Glider, Max. With the money we got from Max we were able to get a lot of Christmas...basically all of Katy's list.

We then set to work trying to get the coveted Rapunzel Tangled barbie doll. Everywhere was sold out and I was so frustrated. It then so just happens that my neighbor (who is amazing I might add) sends me a note on facebook. I want to note here: I HAD NOT MENTIONED WE NEEDED THIS DOLL TO ANYONE OR ANYWHERE (well other than to Ben). I just so happens that this amazing neighbor of mine had an extra Rapunzel doll and before she returned it she wanted to check with me.

Since offering that prayer to my Father in Heaven I was able to find money for Christmas and get almost every item on both of my kids Santa list. My prayers were truly answered. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and is watching out for me. I know he wants what is best for my family. Each time I am tempted to use the credit card or just do it and each time I back away I find a blessing (and not even just the blessing of knowing I am not going into debt for it). I see the Lord's hand leading and guiding us and as we make hard choices and decisions I am seeing Him blessing our lives.

I am grateful for my testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am grateful for this season to celebrate his life and who He was. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for his sacrifice in sending his son. I know this is going to sound selfish but I also need to say - I am grateful for answered prayers. I know my prayers are answered and I see our Father in Heaven blessing my life daily. I am so grateful that I have been taught and have a knowledge of my Savior and Heavenly Father!

Although this season over and over I have been reminded of how NOT rich we are monetarily I have to say I am rich! I have 2 beautiful daughters whom I love more than life itself. I have a husband that I can't imagine life without. I love my little family more than I could ever express. I have extended family of moms, dads, brothers and sisters. They each help, love and care for my family. I am thankful for friends and many of which bless my life by something small and simple to them but huge and amazing to me. I have a knowledge of my Savior Jesus Christ and I know that He loves me. I know who my Father in Heaven is and I know that he watches out for me constantly. He is not a God that leaves us here on earth alone to wander aimlessly...He walks right next to us and helps us as much as he can as we ask him.