Monday, April 25, 2011

Today I started training for the actual department I am going to be in.

Yes, I have been in training for 2 weeks already.

No, none of that training was specific for my department (although I am sure some of it will come in handy at some point).

I have to say...I LOVE LOVE LOVE my department. I loved watching and doing hands on with the new work I will be doing.

I do not feel like this is over my head or that I will totally suck. I know I have lots to learn still and that I will get quicker and steps will get easier but honestly after today's training I am feeling good.

I loved shadowing for a while (thanks Tanya!!) and watching all the fun they get to have in the queues. The fact that you don't talk to people ALL DAY LONG but I still get to help people and get stuff done makes me super happy. A LOT of unseen background and behind the scenes work is done in our division and I like it.

Today was a good day.

Now onto other news - haven't weighed in for a couple of days but last time I was at 133.

Ben's job with LeFevre isn't the greatest and he is on the job search...which is not easy. Unemployment is draining and HARD!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

They just grow up so fast!!

Man alive life has been BUSY! I started work full time last week. On Friday we flew out to California for a quick weekend getaway (that was very needed). My parents were there with us and it was WONDERFUL. We went to Sea World on Saturday and Newport Beach on Sunday before Ben and I flew back home (the girls stayed with my parents for a bit longer to play in Cali).

I had an amazing time. I LOVE California. We (meaning Ben and I) have decided that we would FULLY love the idea of living in Cali. He is going to look for job opportunities there.

The weekend was amazing, wonderful and I LOVE my family. My children make me smile and are such joys in my life. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be there mom.

Katy was so grown up and amazed me with how much she watches out and takes care of the smaller children around her. She is also so well behaved. She had to sit alone on the airplane and at the end of the flight the ladies she was sitting with stopped to compliment on what an amazing child she was and how amazed they were with her and how she acted on the flight (even with it being a particularly turbulent flight).

Lyse cracks me up. She can't remember ever being to Sea World so it was wonderful seeing Sea World through the eyes of a child. When describing the fireworks in Sea World this last weekend she said, "They look like colorful light scratches in the clouds in the sky" I was amazed with her descriptions of the fireworks. She also said, "The Tinkerbell fairies are in those fireworks and they make them very beauitful!"

Other updates, Lyse lost her top front tooth and has the CUTEST smile right now!

On Wednesday, I had the opportunity to go out of town (to Park City) to a Summit. I was able to at least bring the family along to enjoy the amenities of the Park City Resort while I was in meetings. They got to swim in a outdoor pool that was heated the same as a hot tub (they loved that and I really wished I could swim with them). They had a great time (and I was super sad to miss out on all it with them but still grateful they got the opportunity to enjoy it!!).

This morning, while I was in meetings, Ben took the girls swimming then checked them out of the Canyons Resort and headed home. They had some errands to run and before I knew it I had a text picture sent to me of my Elyse sitting in a chair. A few minutes later I got the text saying, "Guess who got her ears pierced?" Well you guessed was my Elyse! She is soooo excited and when she told me about it she told how she was super brave...but when I saw the photos I wanted to cry cause I saw her brave face when it really hurt! :( What a great Daddy my girls have. Ben stood there and held Lyse's hand through the whole ears piercing. He also brought her and Katy home and painted their finger nails. He really is the best Daddy for little girls. He takes great care of ALL his girls!

Lyse has the cutest toothless smile right now...just makes my mommy heart melt. Katy is growing up and becoming an amazing young lady. I can hardly believe it all! They are just growing up too fast. Before I know it they will be filling out college applications and heading to school (Ben and I actually were talking about it on the plane and honestly...time moves so fast!!)

I will post pictures later but I wanted to update a couple things in life around here the past few weeks!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Faith during trials

Faith is such a funny thing.

Something that is so sure and strong in one moment if left to wander and when not nourished becomes weak.

I was working out pretty regularly then with all my health stuff, I stopped. Let's just say getting back into the habits has been hard. My body fell out of shape a LOT easier than it fell into shape unfortunately :(

My testimony is like my body. It is being shaken, twisted, turned and tortured. I keep thinking of the moments that were so strong, so sure. The problem is you can't hold onto the past to bring you into the future. You have to take what you have and look to the future to bring you through it all.

I look back a lot. I am finding those amazing, strong, never doubt moments...I can now doubt. My scripture study, my is all lacking from where is should be.

My exhaustion is peaked.

I am struggling. I pray for help to tread water while I am in a sea drowning. I wish I could at least SEE a ship or island somewhere in sight. I know it will come just while I am in this moment drowning in my sorrow, exhaustion and trials and feel like I will never make it.

I wish I could say my faith is completely steadfast and I know we will be ok; however, the past few days I have truly wished I could just die and not have to face this cruel, harsh world another day (ya it's been that bad). No worries - haven't come up with the plan or anything, just wishing for it to all end!

Bitterness is an emotion that comes so easily unfortunately. The whys only create more. Faith creates hope and squashes that bitterness but bitterness is still part of the grieving process that you have to get through and come out on the other side. I don't have to stay bitter but it doesn't mean that I don't feel it a little right now. Moving past, moving forward when you just see bleakness makes it even harder.

So often I have found myself asking, "where is my happily ever after?" Then I have to stop and say, "I can't control what happens..I can control the happily part though". You can't hold bitterness and happiness at the same time.

I am looking for happiness and silver lining. I am working on using the Lord to help, knowing He has already went through all this. My dear sweet husband who is my confidant, my best friend, my love...I can't even talk to him. My blog, somewhere I can write my feelings, I have not been able to write and express even a small percentage. Prayers all I say is "You know because I can't even say it all" then cry for the next 20 minutes.

Is my faith strong right now...personally I would say no. I look at my Grandma who faced loosing 3 homes, 2 husbands, a child....worked her whole life HARD to barely make it by. She kept the faith. She loved and I doubt she ever lost her temper with her sweet children. She struggled and fought to barely make it until the day she died. I adore and love her. She is a legacy to her children, grand children and I am making sure her Great Grandchildren also know what an amazing woman she was in this life and continues to be in Heaven. HOWEVER I still think, "was that entire life struggle really worth it in the end...why not just give up in the beginning". Horrible huh?!?

I guess the saying, "when it rains it pours" had to come from somewhere!

Oh ya - happy news...up to 136.9 ya life is so peachy and happy I just about want to jump off a cliff about now :( Good thing those cliffs and hiking adventures are still covered in snow for a bit longer so I have time to talk myself down!

Please note - I am not really suicidal. Yes I know life is worth living. No you don't need to contact a psychologist or psych ward in my behalf. Yes I know life could get worse and that I am blessed...don't go stressing. This is just me ranting and raving and putting to pen some of the feelings my heart and soul have struggled with over the last little bit.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Another year goes by!

**These pictures range from Christmas 2008 until March 31, 2011 :)

My Lyse turned 6 this last week. I had so much to write about her, my wonderful, amazing little girl and I never had time to just sit and write it.

I feel like a horrid mom having this be late...but I guess better late than never.

Lyse is hot and cold. Sugar and Spice.

Lyse is VERY loving. She cares about everyone and truly wants them to be happy. She thinks of others and at times when she is having a "selfish" moment, she ALWAYS apologizes with hugs afterward. When she makes a bad choice, she will tell me, "I really do love you mom, I am sorry I didn't do what was right". Lyse has FINALLY learned to apologize. It still is not the easiest thing for her but she is more free with her "Sorry's" and "I was wrong". When she was little (like 2 and 3) she would sit in time out for HOURS refusing to say sorry. I would be in tears just begging her to please say sorry so she could get out...but nope she was going to stick to her not apologizing guns! She still is head strong...just a little more willing to admit when she is wrong as well!

Lyse gives the BEST bear hugs. She loves to give hugs and kisses. Her new favorite thing is doing the "European Kisses" and kissing the air on both sides of your face. She of course loves to give and receive eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses.

Lyse is getting so good at reading. I love listening to her sound out words she doesn't know. She is VERY smart!!

Lyse is getting into making lots of friends. She has 2 best friends, Ivy and Sam. She always makes sure to let us know that Sam is just a friend, not a boy friend.

I am the luckiest mom in the world to have Lyse. My life would not be the same without her. She brings so much love to my life. She brings even more entertainment and joy. She keeps me on my toes and teaches me patience and what true complete love really is.

A few things about Lyse right now:

  • Lyse's favorite toys currently are squinkies.
  • Lyse loves to do her own hair without help and if I do help she still wants it to just be done in a pony tail (about the only way she likes it done).
  • Lyse wants long hair like Rapunzel and surprise! Tangled is her favorite movie!!
  • Lyse loves the outdoors and is great at riding her bike now. She is learning (with the help of a great older sister) how to jump rope.
  • Lyse is very proud that she has learned how to "pump on her own" in the swings and no longer needs pushed.
  • Lyse still has an amazing imagination and I love listening and quietly watching her play pretend.
  • Lyse loves to color and my fridge is often full of her art and my floor covered in crayons that were forgotten as the next new thing was discovered! But seriously, she will color for hours and not think a thing of it!
  • Lyse's favorite color is blue. Anything blue she wants and will wear. Pink, however, has become her arch enemy and she HATE (seriously hates) and refuses to wear the color - unless it has Rapunzel on it! Sheesh - girls!! :)
  • Lyse's favorite food is bacon. Seriously...I could make ANYTHING and if I told her it had bacon in it and she could see the bacon...she would eat it!
  • She loves fresh fruit and can always be found eating an orange, apple, pineapple, grapes, etc.
  • Lyse also loves salad. At dinner she will always get a salad with ranch and eat it all gone. She especially likes it when we add the round leaf things in the salad (Spinach).
  • Lyse loves "Daddy movies" ie Star Wars DVDs and animated shows. She also loves Ben 10 and such. She loves it when her Daddy snuggles in on the couch with her and watches "their" cartoons.
  • Lyse is a Daddy's girl. She loves that I go to work all day and Daddy is the one home with her...that is the best thing in the entire world to her.
  • Lyse loves and could spend all day there! She also loves Daddy's phone and the fish game.
  • Lyse loves her cats! Seriously, last night she came and asked if she could climb in bed with us, I said yes and she turned and said, "Come on Crash" and she and Crash then climbed right in between Ben and I.
  • Lyse loves to sing and has informed me when she grows up she is going to be a professional singer and many times in the car she will ask me to turn off the radio so she can practice the songs she will put on the radio one day! I am impressed that so often the songs are about the temple and our Savior.
  • Lyse has a strong testimony. I hope and pray it just grows and grows. She loves our Father in Heaven and I know she wants to serve Him and make Him proud of her (she has told me that).
  • Lyse's new thing lately has been climbing the wall in the hallway. She will take off her shoes, put her hands and feet on each side of the wall and walk up the wall spread eagle. She gets up quite high (to the top of the bead board) then she always asks for help getting down (cause it's too high to jump down with her bare feet).

Lyse had an amazing birthday filled with playing, friends and family. She told me it was "Great" and she loved the whole present thing :) I am blessed and grateful for such an amazing, sweet spirit in my life. I love that I get the birthdays of my children to celebrate them and their lives!

The journey begins...

Today was the first day in working full time for an indefinite amount of time.

I am pretty positive I am NOT qualified for the job I got.

I have no clue what I have gotten myself into!

I am sure glad the Lord is on my side and I am following his plan otherwise I would be seriously up a LARGE, raging river without a boat, much less a paddle.

To say I am scared is understating it. My mind is swimming and I keep thinking, "Ummm I am going to be answering questions for agents that I was asking just a couple days ago....why did they think I was qualified for that?" Then I think of the unknown period of time in which I am going to be doing this and I think, "I am going to be fired!"

I have to have faith. I KNOW I can do this with the Lord...just remembering to add the Lord is the real issue!

Today I am grateful for a testimony. I know I need to work on it. I need some scripture study time. I also need some family time.

Last and definitely not least - I need some sleep. This be to work by 7 am thing is craziness I tell you. What on earth were they thinking?!? Seriously 7?!?!

So I am off to read some scriptures then have a fun filled family night and then an early bed time (since I am fairly certain my kids would not deem 4:30 as an acceptable bedtime).

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The good, the bad and the ugly!

Friday morning I was on KSL and found this job. Looked intriguing so I kept the information and gave it to Ben when he got home from his gym workout.

Ben also thought it was intriguing so he called and spoke with the lady for some time and the scheduled an appointment for Monday morning. All weekend long I kinda just knew he would get it.

The good about the job:

Ben works from home
Ben will be doing what he loves
Ben can keep and work with his clients he already had

The bad about the job:

It is solely commission based! (This part scares me the most)
Ben will work from home, I will work from home and summer is coming when the kids will be home 24/7 (could lead for an interesting summer)

I feel good but apprehensive about this all. I know faith can't have apprehension so I am working on just trusting and believing that the good feeling both Ben and I are having are the right ones and go from there!

Wish us luck!!

Now the ugly: As for weight..I was up to 134 yesterday and refused to weigh in today cause I can feel more weight :( I did get a good run in on the treadmill and so hopefully I can do better at just maintaining!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Ben's Golden Birthday!

Our Day at Huntington Beach, CA for Ben's 31st birthday. The pictures provided were taken by my phone so not that great but it was what we had and it captured our day!

Timeline of Trials

This last 16 months have been the HARDEST 16 months of my life. We went through Ben loosing his job and being unemployed for 11 1/2 months. I went to work for the first time since we have had children after 10 months of Ben's unemployment. Ben got a job while at the same time my health deteriorated. I had a major surgery after Ben had been at his job 2 1/2 months. I was out of work for recovery for a month. 4 days after returning to work from my medical leave of absence, I was re-hospitalized for 4 days with some serious scary stuff going on. I traded and stressed work and was back to work within a week after being released from the hospital. I interviewed for my promotion at work on the 17th of March, 12 days after getting out the hospital. I turned 31 on the 24th. I was notified I got the promotion on the 28th of March and I would be going full time. On the 30th, 2 days later, Ben lost his job.

After all this, on the 31st it was Ben's Golden Birthday - he turned 31! Wednesday after Ben got home, I made a rash, last minute decision and I packed our bags and we headed for a day trip to the beach in California (pictures will be on the next post).

I went to bed at midnight and was up at 4:30 on Thursday morning.

The weather was the PERFECT day to spend at the beach (got to be almost 90 degrees). Huntington Beach was amazing.

I soaked in lots and LOTS of Vitamin D.

We wave body surfed and jumped over waves.

We spent hours and hours at the beach, until we ran out of quarters for the meter.

We had smiles and happiness.

We celebrated the life of my sweet, dear husband. I sure do love him!!!

Our flight home was delayed and we finally pulled in back home and climbed into bed at 2:00 am on Friday morning.

We got up at 8:00 am and took the kids to school.

We had an AMAZING, LONG day in California and it couldn't have been better! Ben even thanked me a couple times for one of the best birthdays!

We are now back to life but I am sure grateful for my job and some of the great benefits that help with the stresses life gives us (especially the last 16 months).

Let's seriously hope and pray that the next 16 months have a MUCH better outlook cause we haven't had a break for a while!

I am grateful for my husband and daughters. Even in our trials, at least we have each other. I am grateful for a Savior who understand and KNOWS my pains and is standing and willing to take my pain. I am thankful for the Holy Ghost and the promptings I have been given. I am thankful for prayer. I am thankful for my Father in Heaven. I know my Heavenly Father and Savior love me and my family. We can and will make it through this...just not sure what we will have to go through in the process!! I can do this...I am strong (put on continuous repeat).


During this stressful time...I HAVE to stay accountable for my you get to see my weight updates. Currently at 132.7