Faith is such a funny thing.
Something that is so sure and strong in one moment if left to wander and when not nourished becomes weak.
I was working out pretty regularly then with all my health stuff, I stopped. Let's just say getting back into the habits has been hard. My body fell out of shape a LOT easier than it fell into shape unfortunately :(
My testimony is like my body. It is being shaken, twisted, turned and tortured. I keep thinking of the moments that were so strong, so sure. The problem is you can't hold onto the past to bring you into the future. You have to take what you have and look to the future to bring you through it all.
I look back a lot. I am finding those amazing, strong, never doubt moments...I can now doubt. My scripture study, my praying...it is all lacking from where is should be.
My exhaustion is peaked.
I am struggling. I pray for help to tread water while I am in a sea drowning. I wish I could at least SEE a ship or island somewhere in sight. I know it will come just while I am in this moment drowning in my sorrow, exhaustion and trials and feel like I will never make it.
I wish I could say my faith is completely steadfast and I know we will be ok; however, the past few days I have truly wished I could just die and not have to face this cruel, harsh world another day (ya it's been that bad). No worries - haven't come up with the plan or anything, just wishing for it to all end!
Bitterness is an emotion that comes so easily unfortunately. The whys only create more. Faith creates hope and squashes that bitterness but bitterness is still part of the grieving process that you have to get through and come out on the other side. I don't have to stay bitter but it doesn't mean that I don't feel it a little right now. Moving past, moving forward when you just see bleakness makes it even harder.
So often I have found myself asking, "where is my happily ever after?" Then I have to stop and say, "I can't control what happens..I can control the happily part though". You can't hold bitterness and happiness at the same time.
I am looking for happiness and silver lining. I am working on using the Lord to help, knowing He has already went through all this. My dear sweet husband who is my confidant, my best friend, my love...I can't even talk to him. My blog, somewhere I can write my feelings, I have not been able to write and express even a small percentage. Prayers all I say is "You know because I can't even say it all" then cry for the next 20 minutes.
Is my faith strong right now...personally I would say no. I look at my Grandma who faced loosing 3 homes, 2 husbands, a child....worked her whole life HARD to barely make it by. She kept the faith. She loved and I doubt she ever lost her temper with her sweet children. She struggled and fought to barely make it until the day she died. I adore and love her. She is a legacy to her children, grand children and I am making sure her Great Grandchildren also know what an amazing woman she was in this life and continues to be in Heaven. HOWEVER I still think, "was that entire life struggle really worth it in the end...why not just give up in the beginning". Horrible huh?!?
I guess the saying, "when it rains it pours" had to come from somewhere!
Oh ya - happy news...up to 136.9 ya life is so peachy and happy I just about want to jump off a cliff about now :( Good thing those cliffs and hiking adventures are still covered in snow for a bit longer so I have time to talk myself down!
Please note - I am not really suicidal. Yes I know life is worth living. No you don't need to contact a psychologist or psych ward in my behalf. Yes I know life could get worse and that I am blessed...don't go stressing. This is just me ranting and raving and putting to pen some of the feelings my heart and soul have struggled with over the last little bit.