Friday, February 25, 2011

I want to be selfish on this!!!

I love the DI (Deseret Industry Thrift/Donation Store) but I rarely shop there.

The love that I hold for this place, lies in the fact that I get to send my items that I know others in NEED will be able to get. Don't get me wrong I would and have shopped there. I am not someone that goes out and just purchases clothes for myself, kids or hubby without a GOOD solid reason. I just am not someone that shops for items often. I think that would be different if I had money but since we never have, it has never been something I have fostered. If I shopped we would be in big trouble!

Ben has lost almost 30 lbs. I still have yet to get him any new clothes even though he has dropped several pant sizes (luckily he had some smaller ones to shrink into).

Katy and Lyse have been growing like WEEDS. Once again - we are lucky! Lyse has Katy's clothes she can grow into and Katy has my niece's clothes that she gets to grow into. I LOVE hand me downs!

Now back to my love for the DI. I love to purge my house of unwanted and needed items. I do it OFTEN! My "spring cleaning" happens about every 2-3 months. I LOVE the way it feels when you take 5 garbage bags full of items to the DI.

The thing is: I have yet to miss those items.

There is only 1 item that I donated that I have ever regretted! Ben has thrown away some items that have made me really sad to see go but nothing donated has made me feel that way. I don't think I have had to replace any items that I have donated to the DI either. I still have 2 storage sheds and my home full of items as well!!!

For always complaining about my living space, size and location, there is an advantage. When you only have 900 sq ft of living space with 4 people - you learn to use space wisely and you don't keep around items that are truly not used or needed...there just isn't space for it!

I love feeling unselfish and giving. I know that probably sounds pompous but for me when I look at the bags of clothes, toys, items that will bless another person (even if it is items I know longer need or want) I know I am doing the right thing. I feel like I am helping others lives.

There are times I don't want to part with items and that is where I am now. Last year it KILLED me but I gave away a majority of my baby items. I knew there was someone out there that needed these items and it wasn't me.

This year I am contemplating the baby clothes. Even TYPING that I think, "No, No, No...I can't do that." You know those larger rubbermaid bins (not the HUGE trunk ones but the large 18 gallon ones). I have 15 of those FULL of baby and younger children clothes. 5 of them are for 18 months and younger. Yes I only have 2 kids, both of the same gender and I have 15 bins of clothes. My bins by the way aren't just my baby clothes...I have some boy baby clothes passed down from my nephew. I don't even have a boy but I have 3-4 bin of boy clothes! I am selfish and I want to keep them all...even if I never need them again.

Then I do a "rethink, step back and evaluate" moment. It has been 6 years since I was pregnant. No preventative measures have taken place. Short of going the medicine and IVF (which does not feel right for us) or of course Heavenly Father deciding it was time, I don't see another baby gracing our family. I keep holding out...maybe in 2 years. Maybe in 5. When I am brutually honest deep in my soul I tell myself that most likely my family is complete. It is REALLY hard knowing that when my biggest desire was for a LARGE family with at least 4 kids...but really wanted 6 or more! My hand has not been dealt that and I am truly honestly grateful for the 2 I have been blessed with.

So I hold onto the clothes. Then what? 2 years pass. 5 years. 10 years?!? In that time there are lots of little ones that could be greatly blessed in having some of these clothes and clothes that are cute and still somewhat in style still!

Where are all these bins? Well of course I have a small portable storage shed that is stored at my mothers house. It holds all these items. The entire shed is dedicated to my selfish desire of holding on to baby clothes, my babies clothes!!!

So...this is the year! I am going to the shed and I am pulling out the bins. I am going to get permission to bring them into my mothers home and I am going through the clothes that I love, adore and cherish. I am going to oogle and have memories. The ones that just tug at my heart strings too much will still be stored (after all even a baby doll for grand children can be dressed up in some of these precious outfits). I am limiting myself to no more than 4 bins for girls and 2 bins for boys.

I also have the monster in my head that says, "and what if you end up pregnant tomorrow?" My answer to that is that there will still be bins with clothes in them. Also, I am fairly certain that aunties, grandmas and grandpas would help shower a new little ones with clothes if needed. And then of course there is always DI :)

This will be hard! Even the thought of it makes me want to cry. It's not just the memories that keeps me holding onto the baby items. It's the realization that maybe, just maybe, my family IS complete. That is a hard pill to swallow (and I often think...I BETTER get a lot of Grandbabies to make up for it :) )

As for a weight update. Sorry you get to see this too. I just know this is one of the only ways I can truly keep myself accountable. My wii fit told me I was 129.6 lbs. I have been this for the last few days. Not sure if the 120's will stick or not but I know I have not been in them since who knows when. When I was super skinny in high school I was 133. Not sure if I even want to stay in the 120's. We shall see!

Monday, February 21, 2011

It should go quicker!! (Recovery that is)

After saying how great I was recovering I had a bit of a set back this last week. I think I was trying to over do it :( I am doing a LOT better now but have so much to do remembering to slow it down is REALLY hard!

Today my list:

Scrub kitchen down, get floor mopped
Get toilets all cleaned and bathrooms scrubbed down
Finish laundry get it all folded and put away
Vacuum entire house
Grocery shop and get some fresh veggies

So you can see from my list my taking it "slow" isn't working. The problem is I got the kitchen cleaned and started on the floors and my stomach rebelled STRONGLY. I am now sitting on my couch with a heat pack thinking, "CRAP how am I going to get the other things done before Ben gets home from work?"

I am almost 2 weeks out. You would think I could scrub my house down a bit more than I can...ok I think I should be able to do it. I know your body needs time, especially after having your stomach and intestines sliced open...but 2 weeks should be enough time in my book ;)

I have 20 minutes than I am back up and finishing folding and putting away the washed laundry. I REALLY would like to get my laundry caught up, especially before I have to start back to work on Thursday.

Wish me luck!!!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Our Reading Fort

We have been struggling with reading in our house lately. For some reason both girls went from LOVING it to wanting NOTHING to do with it. Not sure why, where, what or how caused this but it has been of great concern to both Ben and I.

Today my mom brought home some big (literally) picture books and I had this idea! It was a brilliant idea and it WORKED!!!

We built a reading fort in our living room over the corner of our couch (can't quite handle the ground at this point in time). We each crawled in the fort with our LARGE books and started to read.

We read:

The little mouse, the red ripe strawberry and the big hungry bear
Cows Can't Fly
Plenty of Penguins
If you give a Mouse a cookie
The Very Hungry Catepillar

If I were to pick a book that fit Lyse and who she is to a "T" right now - I would have to pick Cows Can't Fly! She LOVED that book and honestly it was her. Why do I pick this book for her? Well not only does she see things in the world no one else notices and sees. She has an imagination like no other. The biggest reason would have to be that on the last page it shows the boy flying in the sky. Lyse has told me MANY times lately that she wished she could just flap her arms and fly in the air. She has even told me she would like to jump off house. I told her that would hurt really bad when she hit the ground and could kill her. Her reply, "Ya but between the house and the ground I would be flying." Seriously - that kid CRACKS ME UP!!! When she learned she may dying jumping off a house she then contemplated jumping off a high stool we were sitting on at the moment. I tried to tell the her the time "flying" would not be substantial and the hurt would be much worse but her desire to "fly" was very strong. She has since moved on. She has decided that next time she goes into the airplane she wants to take a parachute and jump out and then she would just be flying. I told her she would be flying in the airplane to which she replied, "It's not the same mom".

If I were to pick a book for Katy out of the books we read tonight I would have to say "Stellaluna" not because Katy reminds me of Stellaluna but more that she just LOVES that book. She read the whole thing and was so happy to be reading it. She was so excited when she saw the big book of Stellaluna and wanted it all to herself. She could hardly wait to get to that book in the pile. Katy also loved The very hungry Catepillar and Swimmy. It was fun to see her eyes light up again as she read and have FUN reading again.

The whole purpose of tonight was to have FUN in reading. The kids like the library but then when we get home with the books they have had no desire to read or even have the books read to them. There have been serious tears shed in the home over even mentioning reading baggy books.

As we read tonight the girls were loving it and I was so grateful for the fun family time we had! It has been really hard watching the sadness and tears be so associated with books and reading. If they learn to foster hate for reading it will forever be hard but if they can foster a love for it their lives will be richly blessed. I know this but helping change it is hard!

I hope Katy walked away feeling more confident in her reading cause she is doing great. It was fun to watch Katy read larger words and then stop and explain what that word meant to Lyse so that she understood what was happening as well. That happened a lot during the book Stellaluna. I was so grateful to hear her read and know she was grasping the concept of it all! It was fun to see her laughing and smiling while reading. Reading is something she REALLY struggles with and always has. Up until this year she has always said she enjoyed reading. Even with her struggles her love for it overcame the rest and you would find her trying to work her way through books. I don't know what happened but this year that changed. She no longer liked reading at all. That worried Ben and I a lot. Tonight as we finished reading and Katy was begging for more books and as each book came up she wanted to be the one to read it to us I hoped and prayed we could help put the love of books back into her heart!

Lyse has literally REFUSED any reading lately. Even if I offer to read her baggy book to her she will flat out refuse. Lyse is just stubborn enough that if she is refusing something like reading a book outloud...if I tried to force it the whole situation would just bad, bad, bad. Her teacher had suggested we tell her either read her book or go to time out and then read the book. I, however, do NOT agree with that at all. Making the book become a punishment is not going to instill love for reading. Tonight Lyse had so much fun, it really made my heart melt. At one point Lyse got really excited when we were reading "Cows Can't Fly" and practically yelled, "Hey that is "my". That is on our word wall and is one of my sight words. I didn't know that was in this book." Ben and I both chuckled a little and gave each other knowing glances and then suddenly the rest of the night Lyse was finding her sight words and telling us them. She got her reading in even if she won't touch that baggy book :) Sneaky mean parents we are I tell ya!!

I feel like tonight was an inspired and an answer to many, many prayers offered. I am hoping that over the next few weeks our "Reading Fort" can continue at least 1-2 nights a week and our family can not only grow closer together but also foster a love of reading. I know it won't be as easy in a week when I am back to work 4 nights a week but I am going to try DANG hard to have it happen at least 1 time a week!

Our night ended perfectly as we read scriptures as a family in the fort then we took down the fort and said family prayer. I am a truly blessed woman to have my beautiful family that I love so deeply. I am so grateful for these wonderful people that bless my life!!!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Intussusception - It's a Fancy Word!

That word above is the reason I have a bottle of Lortab that has been my friend. It is the reason for my surgery. I have been asked if the Gastric Bypass is the reason I had the Intussusception. Honestly I don't know the completely honest answer. My family history does have colonitis in it which causes intussusception. This they are believing to be GB related because it is easier to pin it on that that stating "unknown" because I currently don't have colonitis. However, my bowels may be weaker due to heredity and more susceptible. This does scare me a bit for the future and if there were future problems because our awesome, amazing insurance is up at the end of February! I just pray the Lord will continue to bless and guide us as he always has because honestly we are truly blessed!

Intussusception is a fancy word for my bowels telescoped inside themselves. In case you were wondering it is EXTREMELY painful. I knew surgery was what I needed to do. I knew it was what would have to happen. I was at peace. I was also scared.

Ben gave me a beautiful blessing with his dad on Saturday the 5th of Feb. I was reminded again - you will be ok and Heavenly Father is in control.

Tuesday before I went into surgery we went to my parents house and had my dad and Ben give me another blessing before the surgery. I had peace and once again knew that surgery was what my body needed.

I think that I have had this problem for quite some time and I am grateful that I am on the recovering end of the surgery and problem!!!

Wednesday was the day that lasted FOREVER. My surgery wasn't scheduled until 2:30 in the afternoon and the day just went slow (add the fact you can't eat or drink - UGH). The schedule was pushed back by over 3 hours. As I sat in the hospital I started to have SERIOUS second thoughts in the whole process.

My pain was gone/manageable. Why on earth was I having the dr. cut me open for "exploratory surgery" when my pain was basically not there? Who cares what the CT scan showed 5 days earlier. That can change in the blink of an eye. The longer we sat in the hospital, the more I started to wonder on this. My faith was wavering and I will fully admit it.

When Ben walked into the hospital a few minutes before my dad, I once again asked for a blessing. I needed the peace and help. As Ben annointed me with oil and placed his hands on my head but before he spoke I had the most intense overpower voice come to me that said, "Tauni your pain is gone because Heavenly Father has taken it from you for now. You need this surgery and you will be healed when it is over." The rest of the blessing was a basic blessing and I don't recall much but I can recall those exact words. It was a voice that had spoken to me and I KNEW that the Lord had spoken to me through the Holy Ghost. The voice was comforting and I have never had the Spirit speak to me so directly.

The surgery was not a waste. He didn't cut me open to only close me back up and send me home (which was a HUGE fear or mine). My intestines did have an intussusception. I KNOW that the Lord did lead and guide my surgeon to find and fix my problem.

The recovery has amazed me. Yes there has been pain. BUT to be honest with you, I KNOW the Lord has taken most of that from me. I have had my stomach cut open before (2 times before this to be exact and they used the same incision scars to place incisions on this surgery). Before moving I wanted to DIE. This time I was asking the nurse to walk with me at midnight after being out of surgery for about 5 hours. I got up and out of the bed on my own several times. Last time - I could not move without help. I know weight makes part of the difference but honestly the biggest difference was I know that the Lord was fulfilling his promise of a speedy and little pain recovery. Even the nurse commented on how little pain meds I was using and checking to make sure I was really ok with so little.

The only hard/scary part I even had was the first night my heart rate was really low. Every time I would fall asleep my heart rate dropped to about 38-41. They did not like that much. The doctor the next day said he was impressed and knew part of the reason was just because I was in good shape that my heart rate was naturally lower so it dropping a little more wasn't too worrisome. That was so great to hear!!!! It was nice though when my heart rate went back up to about 50-55 so that the alarm stopped sounding and I was able to sleep without the beeping.

Through this whole process I have felt the Lord's hand. It hasn't been easy and financially I am really concerned this may put us over the edge. However, I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves me and really cares for me. I know he helped the surgeon to fix my body so it could truly heal.

As I have been healing, I worry I have done something or will do something to screw it all up but overall I have not had any feelings of "Do not do this" and I figure as long as I listen to the Spirit on these things, I will heal perfectly.

I am grateful for amazing family and friends that has stepped in and really helped. Meals, taking care of the kids, just being there and chatting with me. These all are priceless to me and mean more than I can ever express.

As for my husband - the Lord has given me the most amazing, caring, loving man in the world to have as my eternal companion. I am grateful for Ben and that he holds the priesthood worthily. I am grateful that he wants me to be his wife (because I am one lucky girl to have him forever)!

On a side note: Today I weighed in on the Wii Fit - it was our 1000th day of having it! I weighed in at 139 weight does NOT represent my body though cause even my side 10 jeans would not do up with how swollen my stomach is currently. Praying that the swelling really does go down on that one!

Monday, February 7, 2011

My life is a gift, My life has a plan...

Today I was once again reminded that prayers are heard and answered.

Our Father in Heaven has a plan for each and every one of us and he TRULY loves us and wants what is best for us.

Sometimes our "burdens" are another's answered prayers. I have come to realize in my life that I can be a blessing in others lives just by following the plan my Father in Heaven has for me.

I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven that is so intimately involved in our lives and feelings. Even in our trials he blesses us.

Wednesday I go into surgery to fix my intestine. It was going to be today but it just didn't work out. I know this sounds stupid and crazy but I feel BLESSED that I have the opportunity and the blessing to have this found and fixed. That I have amazing family (both birthed to and married into). I have great friends. My Father in Heaven has a plan for me.

The primary song, "My life is a gift. My life has a plan. My life has a purpose in Heaven it began.." keeps going through my mind. Can't recall the exact name of it but it is one of the songs in primary this year. Such a beautiful inspired song.

I am so grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost and that my life has been blessed with it. I am grateful for my patriarchal blessing and how it does lead, guide and direct my life. I am grateful to a Father in Heaven that KNEW we needed that and gave it to us.

Wednesday is going to be hard but I am grateful I have my Father in Heaven guiding and directing my life. I am grateful I have the blessing of the gospel in my life and especially the power of the Priesthood. I know I will be ok and I am immensely grateful for that blessing.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

This, That and a Hospital later

My wedding ring was found (Ben found it under the laundry basket in our bedroom. Lyse didn't win Regions for PTA Reflections but she did get an honorable mention. Katy did AWESOME with her circus of books and her teacher said her writing skills were very impressive.

Lyse doesn't fight us any longer on school...she is liking it again. Not sure why she had the strong feelings of dislike for it but I am glad they are gone. I am seeing Katy's artistic side more and more each day.

I have worked a LOT lately and by a lot I mean this week I had 30 hours in by Friday morning and still had just started my "work week" on Thursday. Did I mention I am part time 24-hour employee?!?

So life has been put on hold for work this week. Crazy storms back east and a surgery in my future for my nose made it that I needed to make up the difference in pay and this week was a good week to pick those hours up.

It all changed yesterday. I wasn't feeling the best so I took a little nap. I awoke from the nap in PAIN (and I mean real pain). I got dressed to go get the kids and got my work computer ready for work. As I walked down the stairs the pain got worse. I thought...hmm I might not be able to drive right now. I kept moving forward...afterall I was the only one that could get my kiddos and I had to get to work.

Then I started to blackout from the pain. I couldn't breathe. I called 911 and barely made it to the couch. My pain was so bad I couldn't move. I was curled in the fetal position on the couch and thinking, "WHY ON EARTH DID I CALL 911!!!" The men came into the room and all stood around staring at me. Ben called and one answered the phone. The asked which hospital and I said "Jordan Valley". They gave me a VERY painful IV and lifted me onto their bed and we headed out the door (they were nice enough to make sure to lock it for me).

I kept thinking I was just STUPID for calling the ambulance and now I was stuck at the hospital for the rest of the night and had points at work for no reason.

I prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would help the doctor to find the source of my pain.

My prayer was answered. I had an inverted stomach hernia. The found it on the xrays and CT scan. I had fluid build up in my bowels and he wanted to do surgery tonight but the surgeon said it could wait until Monday.

Um....that wasn't the way I had hoped for my prayer to be answered. Don't get me wrong I was grateful that they were able to see and not be like, "Oh she is just making this pain up" but at the same time I was like, "You are kidding me right? The pain is oh so immense but emergency surgery and you want to keep me over night?!? No way!!" Ok I didn't say that but I thought it. The doctor told me he wanted to transport me to a different hospital that was better suited for this type of situation and keep me overnight. I asked if I could just go home and if the pain got worse, go in myself...he agreed.

So he sent me home doped up on Morphine and zofran. I snuggled into my couch with weird dreams of points at work and being demoted (how do they demote you from the lowest position at the company?!?). The pain today is bearable. I am glad I chose not to be admitted but surgery is in my future (and not the planned nose/turbinate surgery) :( Oh the joys!

So instead of working today I get to veg on the couch thinking, "Man I wish I was working we could sure use that money" but I do get a little "vacation" which will be kinda nice.