Friday, February 25, 2011

I want to be selfish on this!!!

I love the DI (Deseret Industry Thrift/Donation Store) but I rarely shop there.

The love that I hold for this place, lies in the fact that I get to send my items that I know others in NEED will be able to get. Don't get me wrong I would and have shopped there. I am not someone that goes out and just purchases clothes for myself, kids or hubby without a GOOD solid reason. I just am not someone that shops for items often. I think that would be different if I had money but since we never have, it has never been something I have fostered. If I shopped we would be in big trouble!

Ben has lost almost 30 lbs. I still have yet to get him any new clothes even though he has dropped several pant sizes (luckily he had some smaller ones to shrink into).

Katy and Lyse have been growing like WEEDS. Once again - we are lucky! Lyse has Katy's clothes she can grow into and Katy has my niece's clothes that she gets to grow into. I LOVE hand me downs!

Now back to my love for the DI. I love to purge my house of unwanted and needed items. I do it OFTEN! My "spring cleaning" happens about every 2-3 months. I LOVE the way it feels when you take 5 garbage bags full of items to the DI.

The thing is: I have yet to miss those items.

There is only 1 item that I donated that I have ever regretted! Ben has thrown away some items that have made me really sad to see go but nothing donated has made me feel that way. I don't think I have had to replace any items that I have donated to the DI either. I still have 2 storage sheds and my home full of items as well!!!

For always complaining about my living space, size and location, there is an advantage. When you only have 900 sq ft of living space with 4 people - you learn to use space wisely and you don't keep around items that are truly not used or needed...there just isn't space for it!

I love feeling unselfish and giving. I know that probably sounds pompous but for me when I look at the bags of clothes, toys, items that will bless another person (even if it is items I know longer need or want) I know I am doing the right thing. I feel like I am helping others lives.

There are times I don't want to part with items and that is where I am now. Last year it KILLED me but I gave away a majority of my baby items. I knew there was someone out there that needed these items and it wasn't me.

This year I am contemplating the baby clothes. Even TYPING that I think, "No, No, No...I can't do that." You know those larger rubbermaid bins (not the HUGE trunk ones but the large 18 gallon ones). I have 15 of those FULL of baby and younger children clothes. 5 of them are for 18 months and younger. Yes I only have 2 kids, both of the same gender and I have 15 bins of clothes. My bins by the way aren't just my baby clothes...I have some boy baby clothes passed down from my nephew. I don't even have a boy but I have 3-4 bin of boy clothes! I am selfish and I want to keep them all...even if I never need them again.

Then I do a "rethink, step back and evaluate" moment. It has been 6 years since I was pregnant. No preventative measures have taken place. Short of going the medicine and IVF (which does not feel right for us) or of course Heavenly Father deciding it was time, I don't see another baby gracing our family. I keep holding out...maybe in 2 years. Maybe in 5. When I am brutually honest deep in my soul I tell myself that most likely my family is complete. It is REALLY hard knowing that when my biggest desire was for a LARGE family with at least 4 kids...but really wanted 6 or more! My hand has not been dealt that and I am truly honestly grateful for the 2 I have been blessed with.

So I hold onto the clothes. Then what? 2 years pass. 5 years. 10 years?!? In that time there are lots of little ones that could be greatly blessed in having some of these clothes and clothes that are cute and still somewhat in style still!

Where are all these bins? Well of course I have a small portable storage shed that is stored at my mothers house. It holds all these items. The entire shed is dedicated to my selfish desire of holding on to baby clothes, my babies clothes!!!

So...this is the year! I am going to the shed and I am pulling out the bins. I am going to get permission to bring them into my mothers home and I am going through the clothes that I love, adore and cherish. I am going to oogle and have memories. The ones that just tug at my heart strings too much will still be stored (after all even a baby doll for grand children can be dressed up in some of these precious outfits). I am limiting myself to no more than 4 bins for girls and 2 bins for boys.

I also have the monster in my head that says, "and what if you end up pregnant tomorrow?" My answer to that is that there will still be bins with clothes in them. Also, I am fairly certain that aunties, grandmas and grandpas would help shower a new little ones with clothes if needed. And then of course there is always DI :)

This will be hard! Even the thought of it makes me want to cry. It's not just the memories that keeps me holding onto the baby items. It's the realization that maybe, just maybe, my family IS complete. That is a hard pill to swallow (and I often think...I BETTER get a lot of Grandbabies to make up for it :) )

As for a weight update. Sorry you get to see this too. I just know this is one of the only ways I can truly keep myself accountable. My wii fit told me I was 129.6 lbs. I have been this for the last few days. Not sure if the 120's will stick or not but I know I have not been in them since who knows when. When I was super skinny in high school I was 133. Not sure if I even want to stay in the 120's. We shall see!

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