Tuesday, June 29, 2010


I have a stomach ulcer. I have managed to loose 5 lbs due to it but I am ready for it to be gone! I have a dr. appt and I am dreading it cause of money but looking forward to it because I need help with my stomach!

My. Stomach. HURTS!!!!

I also am having extreme anemia. The two are most likely related. I tried to give blood and they turned me away for lack of enough iron. I am starting on some new vitamins to help it all soon. I personally think that if they could just solve the ulcer, the anemia will solve itself! Until then I am tired, want more sleep and want to be able to eat, drink or basically anything without wanting to DIE from the pain that follows.

On a side note: I have been praying a LOT about our situation. I kept feeling like this week would have some good movement in the way of money. For the first time, I have been contacted from one of the MANY job applications I have turned it. It is actually a good job that I would be able to do from home. I don't want to get my hopes up to high but it is looking promising! I would love for it to be the company but I have come to see that the company is going to take some time to get up and running.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I Love My Calling!

Primary is THE. BEST. CALLING. EVER! I mean seriously...there is no other calling in the church in which you have innocent, amazing comments that just stun, amaze and bring tears from laughter!

Today was just one of those days!


During singing time the chorister, Sister Purdie, asked the children "What did Jesus do?". The first response we all heard was, "He got screwed" we all blinked and Sister Purdie looked a bit like Deer in the Headlights. Sister Purdie responded, "He what?!?" and once again the presidency in the back hears the child's response, "He got screwed". All the Presidency is now FULLY curious in WHO was saying this as understanding crossed all our minds and Sister Purdie said, "Oh you mean the nails? He was crucified." "Uh YA!" was the response...like what else would I mean.

The presidency in the back as well as the teachers and pianist were all laughing so hard tears were streaming from our eyes! We then questioned WHO had said the comment. I let that go as I walked to the front to teach sharing time.

The lesson was going well and our sweet, ACTIVE, you can't change me and get me to conform Alexis stands up and walks up to me. I am rather used to this and continued the lesson. As I did this she grabbed my dressed and FLASHED the entire Primary. I grabbed my skirt back down and just stood there. I was blushing beet red, laughing from lack of knowing what to do and honestly just completely shocked. I kept looking at Brother Jensen thinking, "PLEASE oh PLEASE don't have been paying attention in that brief moment!"

I was also VERY thankful for garments and that they cover so well! I was even more grateful that I have lost weight. 1 year ago I didn't wear just below the knee dresses but if I had I would have been EXTREMELY mortified at the situation. I was glad I could just laugh it off!

After Sharing time was over, the Primary President walked up to me and said, "By the way, I thought I would let you know...Lyse was the one who made those comments!" Great! It was MY child!!

Now for the last bit...weight! Today was a momentous occasion in regards to my weight. This morning I stepped on the Wii Fit. I honestly didn't think I had lost much so when I saw the weight that had dropped off, I was in shock and awe!

I have now officially lost more weight than I currently weigh! My weight this morning was 149.5! I am sooo super de duper excited. I had the surgery 1 year ago on July 1st so in 1 year I have lost 150.4 pounds!

And the last announcement: I purchased a new pair of capris...since I only had 1 pair of pants that truly fit me. I grabbed to sizes...one was the hopeful, one was what I thought was the accurate. I was wrong! My hopeful jeans fit me PERFECTLY...and every pair of jeans I tried on were all the same size: size 8!

It honestly feels so great. I feel like me again. I am soooo grateful for the wonderful AMAZING blessing the Lord blessed me with in having my surgery. Even Ben commented the other day that I am more like the woman he married in the beginning: carefree, fun and outgoing. I like being that person a LOT more! I would also hope he could add that I understand life a bit more, I am a little less judgmental and I try harder to be the person Heavenly Father and Christ wants me to be. I know this may sound horrible and bad but honestly with my weight, I lost sight of a lot of that. My weight depressed and drag me down so I was so unhappy that I didn't have the capacity to feel the Spirit as I do now. I am SOOO Grateful for the change!! I am grateful that I can more easily express how I feel on the inside outwardly...and that helps me to feel even better on the inside.

My life is TRULY blessed!

P.S. I know several readers of my blog know me in real life. I know some are family, friends, ward members, etc. I know I talk about my gastric bypass on here a lot and I am NOT embarrassed by it...but I still struggle with it in "the open", the real world. I honestly fear that some are reading this than talking behind my back about it. I still fear those around judge. I can logically see it doesn't but I do get scared and afraid you think I am horrid and stupid for my choice. Please know that if you start to talk to me about it, I am not ignoring you! I am just trying to get used to the fact that my fears are much worse than reality! Thanks Love ya all!!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My Love

I just wanted to tell you...happy fathers day! I love and appreciate you so much. You are such an amazing father/dad/daddy!

Today as we were hiking and scrambling across the rocks, I watched as you carefully and meticulously took the hands of each of us to make sure we made it safely as well. You are an amazing protector!

I love to watch you wrestle with the girls. You are amazing at playing pretend with them...even though at times I get frustrated that I have to pretend that the floor is lava while trying to clean or cook dinner...at the same time I appreciate it so much! Our children have such vivid imaginations because you help encourage it constantly!

I love to watch the tender moments of when you dance with the girls in the living room...those are my favorite family moments!

You always take the time to teach our daughters. Many times I haven't even THOUGHT about taking it as a teaching moment...you are there, teaching.

You are an amazing Patriarch and spiritual leader in our family. I KNOW I couldn't do it without your help. Family prayer, church questions, gospel principles...all those things you try so hard to encourage. I watch you SHOW your testimony and at the same time instilling those principles in our daughters' testimonies too.

I LOVE YOU! You are my love! You are amazing! You are my world!!

Yes... No... Completely Unsure!

Extreme stress and concern is a plague I seem to have caught.

I am seriously more lost than I have ever been or felt. I do not know what I should do or what is being asked of me.

I am desperate.

At the same time, my testimony is steadfast and strong. I know my Father in Heaven is in control but I don't know what actions I am supposed to take.

I wish my Patriarchal Blessing or a Priesthood Blessing would just give me the answer...but as MANY wise mothers have said, "You have to decide what is best" is the situation I am finding myself in and honestly... I. do. not. know.

I know many thing I have always struggled and worked towards may come to a halt and I must change but honestly I don't know if that is what I am supposed to do either.

I do know that 1 month without pay is not fun. I do know that 1 more month without income I can't do.

I feel like crap right now.

Yes, it is 2:00 am. Yes, I am awake with worry. Yes, I have applied for and search for many jobs tonight. Yes, I want to cry. Yes, I have no clue if what I am doing is right.

No, I am not sure if I can even pull us out of this pit with a measly $8/hour job. No, I don't want to leave home. No, I don't have a clue or incline of what would happen with my children were I to get a job. No, I do NOT like this.

I don't know what else to do. Honestly, right now I am posting items up on KSL trying to get a little bit of money to help out. Things I love and cherish could possibly be gone next time you come over. I am seriously contemplating selling the TV, surround sound, etc. for about $250...ya I know I am pathetic you don't need to point that out to me again.

Yes I know I could probably get money from parents but honestly I can't. I HAVE to do this on my own. I am honestly not sure what I need to do but I know something has to be done.

This whole situation kills me. I am tired of it.

Please pray for Ben and I and our family. We could use all the prayers possible!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

$8 lesson from a child

Today I had one of those moments that as a mother you are grateful you taught your child the correct principles and are furious that they are using them on you!

We were at the bank. I am pooling our money together so I can see where we stand...let me just say it was less than thrilling!

While standing in line to close our savings account at Cyprus Credit Union, Ben turns to me and says, "By the way, our business checking is going to cost $8/month." It was not the time nor the place to tell me this.

I lost it! I am not proud that I did but I lost it. $8 isn't much but honestly it is!!! We don't have money. I told Ben that, pretty much in those exact words but in not so nice of tone. I was NOT intending on being upset it was just REALLY REALLY REALLY bad timing! I had a MILLION things on my brain like, "Where am I going to come up with August Mortgage payment...I figured out June and July but savings is running low and I am not sure we will have the money for a full payment in August" and "Car payment is still due and I still have to get the car registered this month" or the all time favorite "I still have car insurance, utilities and gas to figure out for July...crap savings will be gone before August house payment is due".

So while these pleasant thoughts ran through my brain, Ben brings up the $8/month for a checking account for the business. I understand the business needs a good bank for processing payments...heck we have a $1650 check coming to us and we have to turn around and send money back out from that check. You have to have a checking account in order to do that. I get it...I really do! This is in no way Ben's fault...other than crappy timing.

So as we walked out of the bank, I was in tears. Ben was mad at me and hurt for getting upset in the bank. The tension was thick.

That is when my sweet Elyse turned to me and said, "Mom, when you got upset with Dad, I lost the Spirit. I think we need to say a prayer and ask for the Spirit to come back."

The sweet lesson that I so often try to instill in them when they fight was thrown in my face. I did NOT like it but at the same time knew I needed to be humble and know she was in the right.

I agreed and Lyse offered up a sweet, simple prayer. She said, "Heavenly Father. We thank thee for this day. We are sorry and ask thee to please send the Spirit back to us." As she said those words and I said Amen, the Spirit chastised me greatly for losing it over $8 and then love filled my heart. The Spirit was back and peace overcame me.

I KNOW that we will be ok. While I still think we should have gotten a free checking, I can understand Ben's reasoning behind the larger bank. I completely understand why Ben was hurt over my freak out moment in the bank. I just hope he understand WHY I had that freak out moment and it would have been a MUCH better thing to inform me of this once home...not while in another bank emptying savings to try and see how much liquid assets we truly had.

I love my husband...I hope he knows that. He truly is amazing, kind and remarkable. He loves me unconditionally and is always willing to forgive me of my faults. I can never thank him enough for that!

To end on a happy note, nothing says Summer better than kids enjoying homemade ice cream!!!


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Priesthood Power

I am so grateful for living Prophets and Apostles! I can not name the number of times over the last 6 months in which I have read or heard a full or part of a talk by one of those GREAT men in which the talk was written for ME! I swear to you...I think Heavenly Father had me in mind when helping them prepare their talks!

I am so grateful for the Priesthood and having that here on this earth! To have a living prophet here on this earth, to have apostles...all these things are amazing blessings that are so EASY to take advantage of!

I know that my Father in Heaven loves me! I know that He is watching over me! I can not even express in words (verbally or written) the Love, gratitude, appreciation, respect, etc. I have for my Father in Heaven!

When I look at the amazing men in my life: my husband, my father, my father in law, my bishop and all other church leaders...I see a glimpse of who Heavenly Father truly is! Each of these men are loving, caring, guiding and enduring. Each of these men have compassion. Each of these men hold the Priesthood of our Father in Heaven and use it with dignity.

I am so grateful to a Father in Heaven that allows me these "glimpses" of who He is and in turn shows me who I can become!

Trials are sooo hard but the blessings that come from them are so deep and rich that I could and would NEVER trade them (although I would like to add, I hope I have learned what I needed from this and can we please have the business provide the income we need now).

Friday, June 11, 2010

All over the place

One of my biggest flaws is I can't say no, I am willing and WANTING to help any and all. I hear of a stranger that needs a twin size bed and I think, "Man I wish I had an extra or the money to go buy one because I would". Honestly, I would.

I LOVE to help. The problem is I think many times it makes those around me feel like I am "saving up" for a future favor.

I offer to help my friends and people I love WAY to much. I LOVE it!!! Seriously, when I offer help and a friend takes me up on it...it makes my day! It makes me feel loved, that I am fulfilling the purpose I was sent here on earth.

I have some friends that I have offered the help to and I get weird looks or "no thanks" EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

This has me really thinking and struggling. Do they just not like me and don't want to admit it?

Today I was hurt sooooo badly by 2 of these friends. I don't think they can nor will ever know the pain they inflicted or the tears that have been cried over it today.

Tonight I am seriously contemplating these "friendships". I wonder if it is just me feeling the friendship.

I honestly don't know anymore. Normally I can read people pretty well but not now, not with this.

For now I will sit on my couch (soon to be snuggled in nice WARM flannel pj's) and moan away my sadness with some ice cream or maybe I will get some yummy warm rolls or something.

Ya...don't judge me! Even with gastric bypass I still have my comfort foods that just kinda help...I just eat a LOT less of them than I did before. Before I would have binged and eaten 5 cinnamon rolls. Now I will eat 1/4 of 1 slowly and get my comfort! I don't have money to shop it away and honestly I am too tired and lazy tonight to exercise it away!

My last thing - today the girls and I had a FABULOUS time with Becca (the Primary Pres. I serve under). She and her kids came with us up to "This is the Place Heritage Park". It was AMAZING! The kids LOVE LOVE LOVED it! The petting farm area with lambs and kids (baby goat not child) was the all time fave! Of course they liked the pigs, bunnies, sheep and goats as well. A close runner up was the children's play area that they were able to play in miniature homes, shops, barns, etc. The log home and rocker chair was their primary residence and rain guards. Honestly the only bad thing was the rain!!! Free ice cream cone made the day even in the rain was a hit! It was AMAZING, WONDERFUL and GREAT! It was even better having friends there to share it all with us! :)

Last but not least...Ben was given a load tonight but was unable to find a truck for that load. I am so disheartened....hence the OTHER reason for cinnamon roll or ice cream sob fest! :) It will get better I know it...just right now is hard. I am trying so hard to stay positive and I am SOOOO grateful for the sunshine in my gloomy day that I received from time with my girls and friends at "This is the Place Heritage Park" (even when though it was raining).

Thursday, June 10, 2010


I dreamt all night last night about my poor neighbor. His place has been foreclosed and he is getting the big old boot.

Breaks. My. Heart.

No I do not know him well...but I can see ALL too well how we could be there in a couple months.

I sure hope the business takes off more so that we can have more peace of mind!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Breath In, Breath Out

Life is much better - no nothing has changed other than my attitude. There are times I am breaking and just have to vent, cry and freak out. That was one of those sessions. Hopefully I can now move forward with happiness and peace that everything will work out!

Attitude makes or breaks this whole thing...I just hope that I can keep more faith and positive and very few of the emotional outbursts like I had earlier this week :)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My Ropes End

I feel like crap! Emotionally, Physically and all around crap! Honestly I would love to just die and have it all be gone...but would miss my husband and kids too badly.

Here is my list of crap for today:

Last week of unemployment will be this week...we don't get anymore. I have most credit cards maxed and my savings is down to $2000.

Maxed Credit Cards you say - Yes. That happens when you have to pay $1500 for health insurance because you had to have surgery and the alternative is paying $10000 for the surgery. Oh don't forget to add ALL the copays and prescription costs into that. I would say on me alone I am looking about about $4000 in medical expenses this year so far.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am on hecka strong mega dose of antibiotics. The 2, yes 2, I am currently on are the strongest they can possibly put me on without doing a pic line.

Which brings me to the next topic - I will either have to have a pic line and surgery or be hospitalized and surgery if the 2 antibiotics don't start working. It has been 5 days and when I talked to the dr. he agreed I should be feeling relief. I want to type "Why does the Lord hate me" but know that is only asking for him to show me what hate truly is...and I definitely don't want that.

I have a sick child. First it was Katy. She was miserable, in the hospital, struggling with asthma...you name it, she was struggling with it. Life SUCKED for that little thing. She got better. Thank you answer to prayers and Heavenly Father inspiring great men with modern medicine. Now it is Elyse's turn. Poor thing is miserable and whiny and making me miserable and whiny. What's the deal?!?

So right now we have no money, no more money coming in, Ben's business is starting to move forward but slow, jobs he has applied for nothing is happening with. I have more stress on my plate than I can handle. Honestly I look at our situation...6 months unemployed and honestly I think we will be filing bankruptcy.

I don't understand how the Lord wants me to struggle like this. I have faith, I walk forward in faith than days like this just bury me. I CAN NOT DO ANYMORE!!!!!!! I have met my breaking point. I don't have more to give! If I have to move back in with my parents or in-laws I will kill myself. I can't do it. I know that they all would help us try to keep our house but I can't put that financial burden on them either. My parents don't have the money and asking for it honestly might give my dad that last heart attack and put him in the grave. Bart and Debbie have mentioned several times lately that they just don't have money. Erin has moved back in with them and even though it isn't a ton, it does cost them more money. They go through more food, more electricity, etc. The church has offered several times to help. Our sweet bishop is the most amazing man. He often calls us in to just check on us, make sure we don't need anything.

I am NOT trying to be prideful, I just feel like I should take care of myself and my family. I don't feel as though that is something someone else should do for me. Being on unemployment and having food stamps was hard enough...now looking at the next month knowing I will probably have to ask family, friends and the church to help pay possibly my July and for sure August Mortgage payment - I CANT DO IT!! I know it is there to help I just don't want to have to ask for the help! Why do I have to face this? Why can't things work out? Honestly, I look at our future and I think: well we are going to be filing bankruptcy, loose our house and only car and be living on the street (I can NOT move in with family...can't do it, won't do it). What then? Where is the miracle I have been promised? Why must I have to face this? How long will I have to face this? Why when someone else screws up am I the one paying?

I have come to the end of my rope and honestly don't care if I go on to find a new rope to start it all.