And the Sun came out!

Monday was hard.  DANG hard.  After a morning of really struggling and I finally was able to pick myself up, say "oh well" to the gas money that would be spent and I headed up to the zoo with the kids.  I have a free season pass to the zoo so I figured I would use it.

We headed out the door and although we didn't have long at the zoo, it was fun!  I loved the new Rocky Pointe with all the bears as well as seals and sea lions.  It was fun to see the new area.

The weather was PERFECT for the zoo.  Seriously, PERFECT!  It was warm but not hot and it was sunny.  We laughed and giggled as we watched the grizzly bears play with each other and the kids of course loved watching baby Zuri (the elephant).  Lyse was DYING to get to the reptile house to see the snakes (where did I get this kid from?) and well we were just happy to be out and enjoying it all!

 Lyse with Zuri the elephant behind her!

 Katy and Lyse - there is a bear in the corner behind them!

Katy and Dustin - the grizzly bears are playing behind them.

Dustin, Katy, Lyse and Millie with the Giraffe!

Monday night I told Dustin that I needed help digging a hole in the backyard for a fire pit.  While we were at the zoo, Blue Stakes had come so I was able to legally dig my hole.  I went out and started it with him and showed him how.  After a few minutes, I went back in the house.  Jana came and got him and he was like, "tomorrow we will finish that".  I laughed a little to myself cause I was thinking, "That is a big hole we have to dig still dude!"

Tuesday was a hodge podge day but when I finally got back home around 5:45 in the evening, Dustin was with me and ready to dig that hole.  Dig he did!  I went out and helped along the edges but man alive that kids is strong and a good solid worker!  He got the hole dug and we put the rocks around the edge.  We had a fire pit (I honestly thought it would take a few more days!!).

My goal in this pit was to do it without Ben.  Ben and I went to the home depot and used a gift card we had there and bought a $4 bag of gravel for the bottom of the pit.  Ben carried that out to the car.  That was the extent of lifting Ben was required to do in this project!  I even carried the 60 lb bag from the car to the back yard and put it in the pit!

It was soooo peaceful last night sitting out there enjoying the fire pit.  It isn't a fancy pit but it is awesome!  It provides exactly what I wanted back there.  We had several neighbors stop by for a few minutes and come talk to us.  It was GREAT!

Now for the pictures...cause I am sure that is what you are wanting to really see!

Roasting the first Marshmallows!

Ben working on getting the fire bigger.

First Fire!

I got it all ready to start the fire :)

Dustin placing the rocks in place!

Ben playing with fire

My sweet Dustin digging the hole!

Answered Prayers

Over and over lately I have gotten the feeling that I need to listen and have more faith in my promptings.

The Problem: I don't know what I am hearing!

I honestly do not know what I need to be listening to or what prompting I need to follow.

I asked Ben for a blessing. I have some health issues as well as my anxiety over everything going on.

In the blessing I was blessed to have Faith in the plan our Father in Heaven has for me. The problem is I don't know if there is the a new plan or if it is the original plan! I must say there is a gut feeling that says it is the original plan...I just need to be strong and have faith.

The other thing I was more told than blessed with is that my Father in Heaven was ALWAYS there for me, ready and waiting to assist me. It wasn't said but I felt as though I just needed to ask. I thought I had been asking but the way I was told made me realize I can't just cry HELP in my prayers and expect a full plan to be laid out before me. I need to take my life, dissect and observe then ask for help where it needs to be.

I realized that even more yesterday. I had $460. I had $960 in bills to figure out how to pay. Ben was beside himself. I was beside myself. Through our situation, I have tried DESPERATELY to not ask for helping paying our bills. I have tried and mostly succeeded in finding a way to take care of it all ourselves.

I was sick. Literally sick from the thought of actually having to go ask for money. I don't want to put someone else out. As we were driving in the car to pay the bills my heart was sinking; it sunk faster and faster as I watched Ben in despair as well. I offered a quick, quiet, VERY sincere and too the point prayer asking my Father in Heaven to PLEASE help me figure out a way to pay everything.

My bills all were paid and taken care of. I am walking away with $20 from the $460.

I can STRONGLY attest it was my prayer, it was my Father in Heaven; it was MY miracle!

As Ben finished up my blessing, my thoughts returned to my prayer from yesterday. I thought of how Heavenly Father had told me through the power of the priesthood that He was standing, waiting and willing to offer assistance to me.

My heart is full. I KNOW our Father in Heaven lives. I KNOW He watches over us. He is ready, willing and waiting...we just have to go to him with our precise problems. Every small thing is seen by Him. He is aware but just wants us to be aware and willing to ask!

I learned a lesson today! Just like I would have to ask my earthly father or father-in-law if we needed help, I need to ask my Heavenly Father. I can't go to my dad and say, "I need help." He would need me to tell him what I need help with, I would have to open up to him. Honestly, praying for specific things has been treated the same by me as going to my dad and saying, "I need help paying my mortgage". Although I must say - it is in MANY ways much easier!

I can't use the blanket statement of "we need help" any longer. Stating in prayers, "You know our situation. You know we need help. Please help us." Is NOT enough. I need to ponder and pray specifically and just like yesterday he will pour out the blessings from Heaven and respond to me. I need to be willing to pour out my soul and not just say, "You know what is going on, we need help". He wants me to counsel with him. I need that counsel with him.

I am soooo grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me! I am so grateful to know he is aware of me and my situation. I am grateful I get to pray to him.

Being more specific and focused in prayers is my goal. Ponder, specify and listen along with the kneeling and praying are needed.

Honestly I can say (even with everything going on in our lives)...Life is Good!

Failures as a mother

I have been struggling. Ben even asked if I needed to go to the Dr. and get some anti-depression meds.

I watch our savings go to nothing and anxiety fills my body. Seriously, I am at a breaking point. Last night I SWORE I was done...done with everything. Today I woke up sad but able (not ready) but able to live again.

Yes I know finances aren't everything. I just feel like a failure.

Thursday night we were driving to Kohl's to meet my parents and Katy (in a VERY excited voice says, "Guess what mom? You don't need a house to get books from the library, all you need is a card. So if we don't get money and we loose our house we can still get free books from the library."

My heart broke into a million piece right then and there! My beautiful wonderful almost 8 year old is carrying around on her shoulders the worries of an adult and it isn't fair. I felt like a complete FAILURE as a mother!!! I have tried to guard and shield them from this as much as I can; while at the same time I am having to be honest and truthful with them, especially in regards to not having extra money for this and that.

I have not guarded and hid my fears deep enough from them. I know I have broken down a couple times and I try to hide it from them but they still notice. Katy hasn't been mentioning the fear of loosing our house or anything so I thought I was doing ok. That little paragraph she spoke to me made me realize she still worried...she just didn't tell me cause she didn't want me to worry about her.

I failed my Katybug! That kills me more than anything. So last night my break down and today's BLAH had a reason - I failed at protecting my daughter...instead she felt like she needed to protect me! It is NOT fair that she is faced with this and even has a reason to worry. It is NOT fair I didn't protect her more. It kills me!

So today I decided I needed to start over...I needed to recharge and refresh. I decided even though I had ZERO desire to go to the Temple, I would. I got Ben's pants out and hemmed and ironed them. I got a babysitter arranged. I got an appointment at the Oquirrih Mountain Temple. It was going to work - I was going to force it to.

Lyse had been sent to bed cause she wouldn't stop crying...I figured she needed a nap. She complained of a stomach ache before going to bed and when I went upstairs to wake her up so we could go to the temple she was BURNING up. I called Ben in and went and got the thermometer.

103 F.

I checked again - same answer. We got the shower running, put her in to help cool her off and then called the doctor. Complaining horrible and very suddenly of a stomach ache and then shortly thereafter have a fever had me very concerned. It concerned the doctors office too - I was told to take her to the ER.

Since we didn't have any Motrin or Tylenol in the house and had been told to take her to the ER, we headed immediately to the ER. Poor thing was not feeling well and cried the entire way there, the entire 5 minutes we were in the waiting room and then continued to cry for the next 3 hours. They tried to give her popsicles, they tried to give her pain reliever...we tried to give her popsicles, we tried to give her pain reliever. NONE of it worked. She wanted nothing to do with any of it.

When the easy answer of strep came back negative, the informed us they HAD to put in an IV, get some blood and do other tests. Lyse was NOT happy about the IV being put in. I held her on my lap, Ben held her as well. The nurse brought in what she called the "enforcement" a young, buff orderly. All 4 of us tried desperately to hold down Lyse, the 5 year old. She bawled. I bawled. My baby was sick, in pain and now we were inflicting more pain. My heart broke! I think I cried harder than she did! Nothing hurts more than holding your daughter down as she is in agony. NOTHING!!

During the process, Lyse knocked the nurse and needle and well lets just say LOTS of blood poured out. Unfortunately, that blood poured out onto my pants :( They are my favorite pants and DANG cute. Hopefully the blood will all come out. If not...oh well!

Once the IV was set, they gave Lyse some morphine. Once the morphine kicked in, Lyse for the first time in HOURS stopped crying. She allowed us to give her pain meds, she allowed us to get a urine sample. She ate a popsicle and then asked for more. Bart and Debbie came and Lyse played with their iphones.

Lyse was diagnosed with a UTI for sure. They are questioning if the UTI had moved to the kidneys. They also still wondered about the appendicitis, so we get to go back to the ER in the morning for a recheck and more antibiotics. The doctor wanted to leave the IV in over night but Ben was rather uncomfortable with that, so they did remove that. In the morning, she will either have to have a shot or have another IV or best case scenerio we can just get some oral meds...I am hoping for oral meds!

As the amazing sweet nurse removed Lyse's IV Lyse said to her, "That medicine you gave me took away all the pain...I didn't feel ANYTHING". The nurse smiled and chuckled and said, "Ya it will do that!" Lyse mentioned SEVERAL times how much she loved that morphine. Gotta watch that girl! :)

Tonight we are home and I am grateful. I know that the blessing Ben gave Lyse is the reason we are not checked into the hospital and sleeping there tonight. Even though I didn't get the temple, my priorities are back in order. My family is all that truly matters. Yes the other stuff DOES matter and is stressful but in the end I need to be a better mom at protecting Lyse and Katy from that yucky stuff and helping them enjoy the amazing stuff!

I am grateful to have 2 sleeping girls upstairs. I am grateful for a husband that holds the priesthood. I am grateful for my family!

I Love My Calling!

Primary is THE. BEST. CALLING. EVER! I mean seriously...there is no other calling in the church in which you have innocent, amazing comments that just stun, amaze and bring tears from laughter!

Today was just one of those days!

First:

During singing time the chorister, Sister Purdie, asked the children "What did Jesus do?". The first response we all heard was, "He got screwed" we all blinked and Sister Purdie looked a bit like Deer in the Headlights. Sister Purdie responded, "He what?!?" and once again the presidency in the back hears the child's response, "He got screwed". All the Presidency is now FULLY curious in WHO was saying this as understanding crossed all our minds and Sister Purdie said, "Oh you mean the nails? He was crucified." "Uh YA!" was the response...like what else would I mean.

The presidency in the back as well as the teachers and pianist were all laughing so hard tears were streaming from our eyes! We then questioned WHO had said the comment. I let that go as I walked to the front to teach sharing time.

The lesson was going well and our sweet, ACTIVE, you can't change me and get me to conform Alexis stands up and walks up to me. I am rather used to this and continued the lesson. As I did this she grabbed my dressed and FLASHED the entire Primary. I grabbed my skirt back down and just stood there. I was blushing beet red, laughing from lack of knowing what to do and honestly just completely shocked. I kept looking at Brother Jensen thinking, "PLEASE oh PLEASE don't have been paying attention in that brief moment!"

I was also VERY thankful for garments and that they cover so well! I was even more grateful that I have lost weight. 1 year ago I didn't wear just below the knee dresses but if I had I would have been EXTREMELY mortified at the situation. I was glad I could just laugh it off!

After Sharing time was over, the Primary President walked up to me and said, "By the way, I thought I would let you know...Lyse was the one who made those comments!" Great! It was MY child!!

Now for the last bit...weight! Today was a momentous occasion in regards to my weight. This morning I stepped on the Wii Fit. I honestly didn't think I had lost much so when I saw the weight that had dropped off, I was in shock and awe!

I have now officially lost more weight than I currently weigh! My weight this morning was 149.5! I am sooo super de duper excited. I had the surgery 1 year ago on July 1st so in 1 year I have lost 150.4 pounds!

And the last announcement: I purchased a new pair of capris...since I only had 1 pair of pants that truly fit me. I grabbed to sizes...one was the hopeful, one was what I thought was the accurate. I was wrong! My hopeful jeans fit me PERFECTLY...and every pair of jeans I tried on were all the same size: size 8!

It honestly feels so great. I feel like me again. I am soooo grateful for the wonderful AMAZING blessing the Lord blessed me with in having my surgery. Even Ben commented the other day that I am more like the woman he married in the beginning: carefree, fun and outgoing. I like being that person a LOT more! I would also hope he could add that I understand life a bit more, I am a little less judgmental and I try harder to be the person Heavenly Father and Christ wants me to be. I know this may sound horrible and bad but honestly with my weight, I lost sight of a lot of that. My weight depressed and drag me down so I was so unhappy that I didn't have the capacity to feel the Spirit as I do now. I am SOOO Grateful for the change!! I am grateful that I can more easily express how I feel on the inside outwardly...and that helps me to feel even better on the inside.

My life is TRULY blessed!

P.S. I know several readers of my blog know me in real life. I know some are family, friends, ward members, etc. I know I talk about my gastric bypass on here a lot and I am NOT embarrassed by it...but I still struggle with it in "the open", the real world. I honestly fear that some are reading this than talking behind my back about it. I still fear those around judge. I can logically see it doesn't but I do get scared and afraid you think I am horrid and stupid for my choice. Please know that if you start to talk to me about it, I am not ignoring you! I am just trying to get used to the fact that my fears are much worse than reality! Thanks Love ya all!!

$8 lesson from a child

Today I had one of those moments that as a mother you are grateful you taught your child the correct principles and are furious that they are using them on you!

We were at the bank. I am pooling our money together so I can see where we stand...let me just say it was less than thrilling!

While standing in line to close our savings account at Cyprus Credit Union, Ben turns to me and says, "By the way, our business checking is going to cost $8/month." It was not the time nor the place to tell me this.

I lost it! I am not proud that I did but I lost it. $8 isn't much but honestly it is!!! We don't have money. I told Ben that, pretty much in those exact words but in not so nice of tone. I was NOT intending on being upset it was just REALLY REALLY REALLY bad timing! I had a MILLION things on my brain like, "Where am I going to come up with August Mortgage payment...I figured out June and July but savings is running low and I am not sure we will have the money for a full payment in August" and "Car payment is still due and I still have to get the car registered this month" or the all time favorite "I still have car insurance, utilities and gas to figure out for July...crap savings will be gone before August house payment is due".

So while these pleasant thoughts ran through my brain, Ben brings up the $8/month for a checking account for the business. I understand the business needs a good bank for processing payments...heck we have a $1650 check coming to us and we have to turn around and send money back out from that check. You have to have a checking account in order to do that. I get it...I really do! This is in no way Ben's fault...other than crappy timing.

So as we walked out of the bank, I was in tears. Ben was mad at me and hurt for getting upset in the bank. The tension was thick.

That is when my sweet Elyse turned to me and said, "Mom, when you got upset with Dad, I lost the Spirit. I think we need to say a prayer and ask for the Spirit to come back."

The sweet lesson that I so often try to instill in them when they fight was thrown in my face. I did NOT like it but at the same time knew I needed to be humble and know she was in the right.

I agreed and Lyse offered up a sweet, simple prayer. She said, "Heavenly Father. We thank thee for this day. We are sorry and ask thee to please send the Spirit back to us." As she said those words and I said Amen, the Spirit chastised me greatly for losing it over $8 and then love filled my heart. The Spirit was back and peace overcame me.

I KNOW that we will be ok. While I still think we should have gotten a free checking, I can understand Ben's reasoning behind the larger bank. I completely understand why Ben was hurt over my freak out moment in the bank. I just hope he understand WHY I had that freak out moment and it would have been a MUCH better thing to inform me of this once home...not while in another bank emptying savings to try and see how much liquid assets we truly had.

I love my husband...I hope he knows that. He truly is amazing, kind and remarkable. He loves me unconditionally and is always willing to forgive me of my faults. I can never thank him enough for that!

To end on a happy note, nothing says Summer better than kids enjoying homemade ice cream!!!


YUM!!!

All over the place

One of my biggest flaws is I can't say no, I am willing and WANTING to help any and all. I hear of a stranger that needs a twin size bed and I think, "Man I wish I had an extra or the money to go buy one because I would". Honestly, I would.

I LOVE to help. The problem is I think many times it makes those around me feel like I am "saving up" for a future favor.

I offer to help my friends and people I love WAY to much. I LOVE it!!! Seriously, when I offer help and a friend takes me up on it...it makes my day! It makes me feel loved, that I am fulfilling the purpose I was sent here on earth.

I have some friends that I have offered the help to and I get weird looks or "no thanks" EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

This has me really thinking and struggling. Do they just not like me and don't want to admit it?

Today I was hurt sooooo badly by 2 of these friends. I don't think they can nor will ever know the pain they inflicted or the tears that have been cried over it today.

Tonight I am seriously contemplating these "friendships". I wonder if it is just me feeling the friendship.

I honestly don't know anymore. Normally I can read people pretty well but not now, not with this.

For now I will sit on my couch (soon to be snuggled in nice WARM flannel pj's) and moan away my sadness with some ice cream or maybe I will get some yummy warm rolls or something.

Ya...don't judge me! Even with gastric bypass I still have my comfort foods that just kinda help...I just eat a LOT less of them than I did before. Before I would have binged and eaten 5 cinnamon rolls. Now I will eat 1/4 of 1 slowly and get my comfort! I don't have money to shop it away and honestly I am too tired and lazy tonight to exercise it away!

My last thing - today the girls and I had a FABULOUS time with Becca (the Primary Pres. I serve under). She and her kids came with us up to "This is the Place Heritage Park". It was AMAZING! The kids LOVE LOVE LOVED it! The petting farm area with lambs and kids (baby goat not child) was the all time fave! Of course they liked the pigs, bunnies, sheep and goats as well. A close runner up was the children's play area that they were able to play in miniature homes, shops, barns, etc. The log home and rocker chair was their primary residence and rain guards. Honestly the only bad thing was the rain!!! Free ice cream cone made the day even in the rain was a hit! It was AMAZING, WONDERFUL and GREAT! It was even better having friends there to share it all with us! :)

Last but not least...Ben was given a load tonight but was unable to find a truck for that load. I am so disheartened....hence the OTHER reason for cinnamon roll or ice cream sob fest! :) It will get better I know it...just right now is hard. I am trying so hard to stay positive and I am SOOOO grateful for the sunshine in my gloomy day that I received from time with my girls and friends at "This is the Place Heritage Park" (even when though it was raining).

Breath In, Breath Out

Life is much better - no nothing has changed other than my attitude. There are times I am breaking and just have to vent, cry and freak out. That was one of those sessions. Hopefully I can now move forward with happiness and peace that everything will work out!

Attitude makes or breaks this whole thing...I just hope that I can keep more faith and positive and very few of the emotional outbursts like I had earlier this week :)

My Ropes End

I feel like crap! Emotionally, Physically and all around crap! Honestly I would love to just die and have it all be gone...but would miss my husband and kids too badly.

Here is my list of crap for today:

Last week of unemployment will be this week...we don't get anymore. I have most credit cards maxed and my savings is down to $2000.

Maxed Credit Cards you say - Yes. That happens when you have to pay $1500 for health insurance because you had to have surgery and the alternative is paying $10000 for the surgery. Oh don't forget to add ALL the copays and prescription costs into that. I would say on me alone I am looking about about $4000 in medical expenses this year so far.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am on hecka strong mega dose of antibiotics. The 2, yes 2, I am currently on are the strongest they can possibly put me on without doing a pic line.

Which brings me to the next topic - I will either have to have a pic line and surgery or be hospitalized and surgery if the 2 antibiotics don't start working. It has been 5 days and when I talked to the dr. he agreed I should be feeling relief. I want to type "Why does the Lord hate me" but know that is only asking for him to show me what hate truly is...and I definitely don't want that.

I have a sick child. First it was Katy. She was miserable, in the hospital, struggling with asthma...you name it, she was struggling with it. Life SUCKED for that little thing. She got better. Thank you answer to prayers and Heavenly Father inspiring great men with modern medicine. Now it is Elyse's turn. Poor thing is miserable and whiny and making me miserable and whiny. What's the deal?!?

So right now we have no money, no more money coming in, Ben's business is starting to move forward but slow, jobs he has applied for nothing is happening with. I have more stress on my plate than I can handle. Honestly I look at our situation...6 months unemployed and honestly I think we will be filing bankruptcy.

I don't understand how the Lord wants me to struggle like this. I have faith, I walk forward in faith than days like this just bury me. I CAN NOT DO ANYMORE!!!!!!! I have met my breaking point. I don't have more to give! If I have to move back in with my parents or in-laws I will kill myself. I can't do it. I know that they all would help us try to keep our house but I can't put that financial burden on them either. My parents don't have the money and asking for it honestly might give my dad that last heart attack and put him in the grave. Bart and Debbie have mentioned several times lately that they just don't have money. Erin has moved back in with them and even though it isn't a ton, it does cost them more money. They go through more food, more electricity, etc. The church has offered several times to help. Our sweet bishop is the most amazing man. He often calls us in to just check on us, make sure we don't need anything.

I am NOT trying to be prideful, I just feel like I should take care of myself and my family. I don't feel as though that is something someone else should do for me. Being on unemployment and having food stamps was hard enough...now looking at the next month knowing I will probably have to ask family, friends and the church to help pay possibly my July and for sure August Mortgage payment - I CANT DO IT!! I know it is there to help I just don't want to have to ask for the help! Why do I have to face this? Why can't things work out? Honestly, I look at our future and I think: well we are going to be filing bankruptcy, loose our house and only car and be living on the street (I can NOT move in with family...can't do it, won't do it). What then? Where is the miracle I have been promised? Why must I have to face this? How long will I have to face this? Why when someone else screws up am I the one paying?

I have come to the end of my rope and honestly don't care if I go on to find a new rope to start it all.

DC Continued

I want to try and type the rest of the trip in this one post. It isn't going to happen but in many ways I wish I could get it all to fit. The trip seemed to go so fast but I learned so much!

Friday morning we woke up in Ohio. We got in the car and drove. We drove and drove. We had some really pretty scenery (been a while since we had that). We drove through the Appalachian Mountains. Those are some pretty awesome sites! We all kept commenting how awesome it would be to drive through those same mountains in the spring, summer and fall...when the leaves were blooming, bloomed and changing colors.

We pulled into Washington D.C. later that night. I had talked to my sister on the phone and she got us some rooms on Priceline for a decent price. We had 4 nights in the same place, a place to call home for a few days.

The girls were sad that we didn't have a pool in the room but THRILLED when they saw the room and how beautiful it was. We were at the Hyatt. I just LOVE the Hyatt Hotel Chain. I have NEVER stayed at one and not just loved the entire time I am there!!!

Friday was the first fight of the trip. The girls were done. I was so glad we were almost to DC. The girls were AMAZING troopers and considering it took them until the middle of the 3rd day driving to have their first fight, I am amazed! They are amazing!!!!

After arriving in DC we got our first warm meal in what seemed like days. We had been eating out of the cooler most of the time and honestly that wears on ya! We went to Papa Razzi's. It was good but definitely not as good as the first time I remember eating there.

Being in DC felt good. I was scared because I didn't know the future. I was excited because I knew that the next 4 days I had a place to stay and call home.

That night I slept really good. As I knelt in prayer and asked what should be done I felt a peace that the next day, Saturday, was a family day. When I got up the next morning and prayed again, same answer, I was excited to spend a day seeing the sites.

We slept in, ate breakfast then walked to the Metro station next door. I am always amazed at how CLEAN DC keeps their Metro. The Rosalyn Station is the station I have been to the most...probably cause each time I have been to DC since being married we have stayed in Rosalyn, Virginia...just across the Potomac from DC.

The day was a BEAUTIFUL day and we had so much fun. Honestly, that was probably the best day for family fun the entire trip. I was at ease. I struggle not knowing the future. I love having a plan. To be in a foreign, expensive city with no job, no plan...only know Ben was supposed to look for a job and that we were supposed to be there...that was HARD!

We walked the "Mall" of DC that day. Taking time to stop at each monument. I wish we had taken the time to stop at one or 2 museums but honestly we just didn't.

As the day drew to a close we headed back to our room. I had a compelling desire to go to the temple. We got in the car and drove. As we were driving, the most beautiful pull out appeared. The pull out let you see over the Potomac into Georgetown. We pulled off the Freeway for a minute to take in the scene...let the girls enjoy the surroundings.

We got back into the car and a few minutes later we were almost to the temple. The DC temple is surrounded by beautiful trees and rolling hills. We went to the visitors center first. We listened to a small excerpt on Christ. I held back tears. Once again I felt peace, I felt the same I had when at Winter Quarters. I felt the Spirit.

The sister missionaries, especially one Sister Crowfoot, came and talked with us. After walking around the visitors center for a while the girls needed to go to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, Sister Crowfoot went and talked to Ben. She found out our situation...and the Spirit spoke to her for her to know EXACTLY what I needed.

After we left the bathroom, she took us down the stairs to a little area. There was a kiosk type thing with pictures of all the 12 Apostles and First Presidency. She played a couple small excerpts of different talks by different men. As each played I thought, "How did she know I needed to hear this". Each talked about the journey of life and how we need to be prepared for it Spiritually cause we never know what will happen physically.

While drying my tears we walked back up the stairs and outside to the temple. The lights were on and the temple shone. Our family walked out onto the temple grounds. Katy wanted to take pictures and we stopped to let her take some pictures. She was soooo excited to be at the temple. I am ALWAYS amazed at children and how they are drawn to holy places! Katy oohed and awed at the temple. Lyse did too but she walked off with Ben so I wasn't there to really talk to her much.

As we were walking some deer suddenly appeared. The were right there, next to the temple. We tried desperately to get a picture but it was just too dark and the little camera wasn't enough.

We walked around the temple, the girls excited and Ben and I chatted. I don't really remember all we chatted about, I just remember how happy and complete I felt walking around that sacred building while holding my sweethearts hand and watching our children ahead of us. I felt the desire to be in the temple but honestly I knew it wasn't meant to be right then...no temple clothes, no babysitter, etc.

Saturday ended and it was honestly a beautiful day. It was a perfect day. We felt the spirit of our nation, the spirit of freedom as we walked the grounds of the Mall area and then even more importantly we felt the Spirit of our Father in Heaven as we walked the grounds of the temple. I am sooo grateful to live in this nation, to have the freedoms we have. I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who inspired men to sacrifice so much so we could be blessed with so much.

Sunday while I wish I could say was an amazing day...it wasn't. I was not as kind to my family as I wished I would have been. Sunday was probably the HARDEST of all the days. Sunday was a day I felt like I was the worst person in the world. Sunday was also the day that I kept feeling what we needed to do, none of it making sense and instead of following happily, I begrudged, fought and got frustrated.

Sunday I was a horrible mom to Lyse. Lyse went into meltdown. Honestly, who can blame her! We had been on the road for 3 days the site seeing all day the next day. We hadn't caught up on sleep, we hadn't had any "relax" time in which we just sat in the room and watched some TV.

Sunday morning I woke up early. I prayed and felt we needed to go get tickets to go into the Washington Monument. It was 7:00 and I got up and dressed. I was going to just drive myself, get the tickets and come back. As I was getting ready I had a strong impression that I needed to get the family up to go with me and take the laptop.

I woke Ben up and everyone quickly got dressed. The day outside was gloomy, rainy (down pouring is more like it) and honestly I felt so down and out I want to cry even thinking of it now. We got our tickets to go to the top of the monument and we headed to see if we could get some internet. We found a cute little cafe that was also a free wireless hot spot. Since we rushed out the door and didn't grab breakfast, the girls were starving. We went and got them a little something and set up on a table for a few minutes.

This is where Lyse had her melt down that continued for an hour. At the end of the hour, I had my melt down. The melt down started when we walked in the pastry cafe and the girls saw all the yummy, delicious morning treats. Katy carefully looked over her choices as Lyse grabbed the first one she saw. A few minutes later she saw another one she wanted but since she had already TOUCHED and grabbed the other one, she couldn't have the second one.

Honestly you would have thought I was starving the child. I ended up being a bad parent and purchased the second item too in order to try and stop the melt down...it didn't work. After we left the cafe and headed to the monument to go inside, Lyse continued her fit. It didn't stop...over and over and over she cried and whined. I hit my max and lost it. We were late to the monument and I was sure we weren't going to make it. Lyse wouldn't stop crying and then refused to get out of the car. I was no longer a nice mommy. I was mean. I am thankful that Ben was there...I am thankful I am not a single parent.

From there it just seemed to fall apart, unravel. I questioned why we had come to Washington DC, I questioned why Ben had to loose his job. I had many many doubting questions and didn't want to allow the peace of the Spirit to help me. The wait in the line for the monument was cold and wet physically...spiritually I felt dead.

Why were we sent here? Where was this job? When were we going to feel the prompting, "Be here and be here now" that we BOTH felt was going to happen. I had woken up that morning feeling like, "today will be the day". I felt like the Washington Monument was where we were supposed to be. I felt like the little cafe was where we were supposed to end up...the internet a life saver. Why had it all fallen apart there?

Looking back I think if I had handled the situation better, there would have been a whole different outcome of that day and experience. I think it could have been a VERY spiritual experience for me. I should have taken the time to talk to Lyse instead of just telling her we didn't have the money for both (which I ended up getting in the end anyway). Looking back if I had been a better mom...if I had not worried as much about money as I did about...there are a lot of if's looking back!

Aunts

Being an aunt is something I LOVE. I adore my nieces and nephews. Sometimes though I wonder about it all.

Being a fun aunt to some nieces and nephews is REALLY easy, to others not so much. I often wonder if that has to do with how much I feel I am accepted by that child's parents and how much the parents want me to be a part of the child's life. I think it has to do with the distance (whether literal or figurative).

I wish I could be the aunt "Teetee" to all the nieces and nephews but I KNOW I am not. I realized this the other day at my in-laws home. All the nieces and nephew that live here in Utah were there. They honestly did not know my name. That made me sad.

Yes there has been a falling out. Yes I could say a LOT more about it but I am trying to change and be better. Right now I am reflecting on me. I am sorry for the things I said. Although the relationships had a facade, there was at least a relationship.

I am not the horrible person they perceive me to be and I don't believe they aren't the horrible people I perceived them to be.

History is a tough cookie and one that can't be erased. I want to move forward and have a fresh start, a new outlook but I don't think that will ever happen. In the past I have said, I have forgiven but I haven't forgotten. It isn't only me that feels that way. I wish I could share this with them. This is a time that I wish the parents even read my blog, but they don't. I wish we could get together at family functions and not try and get out of there as quickly as possible with as few words as possible.

Yes I felt left out. Yes I felt unloved. Yes I was wrong.

So alas, I can never be that fun aunt with them. I can't take them for a day to play with me and my kids like I do others. I don't get those opportunities. That makes me sad.

I need to finish up our DC trip stuff but for now I wanted to write some fun cute things the kids have done/said.

On Saturday we spent a majority of the day hanging, chilling and relaxing outside. We went to Elyse's soccer game then we drove to the park and let the kids run and play for a little over an hour. They had a lot of fun (and honestly so did we).

When we got back we were sitting down to eat and Lyse said the prayer. It was the cutest thing EVER. As she was praying she said, "Thank you dad...well no...um...*pause* Heavenly Father please tell my dad thank you so much for letting us play at the park all day!"

First it made me so happy that she loved the park that much. Second, I had a revelation, thought. You know prayer is a special time in which we talk with our Father in Heaven about what we love, hate, struggle with. Lyse taught me so much in that. She knows that a prayer has the utmost respect tied to it. Prayer is a special way to communicate. By knowing that she wanted to let her dad know in the prayer how grateful she was to go to the park. I can't convey into words all my thoughts and feelings on this cause I don't know how but I am touched. It was dang cute too!

Katy has been sick for a couple days and today she was home from school. All day she kept talking about school and what we thought was happening at school. I know she really missed not being able to go. At first in the day she kept asking, "What do you think they are doing on the field trip" or "Do you think they are back from the field trip?". I decided to get her busy and we worked on some of her bear essentials. We did 2 book reports, a report on her Grandma (my mom), wrote a poem and a couple other things.

To do the report on my mom, we had to go to my mom's house. Before we left, Katy kept asking, "So would school be out yet?". I would answer, "No, school is still in." 2 minutes later she asked again. This happened over and over until I lost my cool and said, "Katy you can tell time! It has only been a few minutes since the last time you asked. No school is not out." I INSTANTLY felt horrible. My sweet girl was soooo sad to miss her field trip today. My sweet girl is battling with having been REALLY sick (at the ER over the weekend for it). My sweet girl is amazing and all she wanted was some information. Sometimes I feel like the crappiest mom ever.

Katy was so sweet even when I got frustrated. She said, "Oh ok. Sorry. I was just wondering how close it was to the normal time I get home." Sweet thing. She was so cute when interviewing my mom. She did an awesome job. She loved hearing the stories and it was fun to see how excited she was to know more about my mom when she was little. She was EXTREMELY interested in my mom and who she was closest to in siblings. Katy LOVES Elyse more than anything but she also strongly desires more siblings. She asks for them all the time. Oh how I wish I could fulfill that desire for her! I think she was mesmerized by the fact that my mom had so many siblings.

Katy wrote a really cute poem today about jump roping. She LOVES to jump rope so when she had to write a poem, she wanted it to be on that.

Jump Rope
by: Katlynn Hawker

Rope Rope
Around it flies
Jump Jump
Hop to the skies
Leap Leap
Quick on my feet
Around Around
It goes to the beat
Fun Fun
Jumping in the sun


Kind of amazing how you do "see" jump roping in that. Katy has an amazing way to describe things. This weekend I have really seen that talent in her...she can use words that help you to completely see what she is saying.

An example of this. She was in a LOT of pain. When I asked her what it felt like she said, "It feels like a car is driving over my chest but instead of it having tires it has needles and the needles are poking my stomach over and over."

Ummm can you think of a more descriptive way of saying, "The pain feels heavy and sharp."?

I love my children, they are amazing! I am such a blessed mom for having them be a part of my life.

Also...I am finishing up the DC trip...hoping to get that up here soon. Not sure if I am going to do 1 or 2 installments. Second, Ben is saying it is high time to do before and after photos. We were looking at photos today and I couldn't believe it! I was seriously in shock over how big I was and I didn't really realize it. I am gonna try to get the photos up here soon.

Last but not least. Last time on the Wii I was 156.5 and I have a normal BMI at 155.5 I am soooo close I can taste it and I can't wait! I am hoping that by next week I will be at 155 even! Lowest I have been in a LONG, LONG time :)

Washington DC - Part 2 (see I knew I would need more than just part 1 ;) )

The funny thing about trying to do the right thing and listen to the Spirit (some call it following your gut)...if it sounds like an odd or weird thing, people (particularly parents) seem to not like it and freak a bit.

My parents didn't really like our "Washington DC" journey. While they tried to be supportive (well my dad did) it was nerve racking. My mom started calling about 2 hours after we were on the road, in Wyoming just past Evanston.

This was the HARDEST thing for me!!! Honestly I love my mom to death and she is the most amazing woman. The problem was when she called she would say things like, "Well no one will think any less of you guys if you just turn around and come back home" or "You aren't really that far, you can turn around and be home before night and not have to get a hotel room".

I was already struggling. I was questioning and doubting. Why on earth was my Father in Heaven sending me across the United States. What was there? Were we going to move there? Was there a job Ben would find there? What was the reasoning behind this? Why were we being asked to spend money when we needed to SAVE money?

I am not stupid. I really doubted myself and what I was doing but at the same time I knew that the Lord had a bigger plan for me and I needed to follow it. Much of the time spent in the car, Ben and I were reading scriptures out loud. We were both drawn to church history and spent a LOT of time reading Doctrine and Covenants.

The first day we drove to Nebraska. We stopped in a small little town called, Grand Island, Nebraska. We stayed in a little Motel 6 off to the side of I-80. As we pulled into the motel parking lot, we were all exhausted and READY for bed. We carried the girls in. When we got to our beds, we called Ben's parents. Bart was awesome and told us the aviation history of Grand Island. It was the stopping point for people flying from East to West when planes couldn't go across the continent non-stop.

That night we knelt and said our prayer and I felt a STRONG desire and pull to go to Nauvoo. I told Ben and he said he would think about it. We both still felt an urgency to get to DC but I also felt this pull that I had to do!

The next morning we were a bit slow to get up and moving. We let the girls take a bath in their swimming suits for about 20-30 minutes. It had been a 13 hour day driving the day before and we didn't want to wake them and push them back into the car.

While the girls bathed, Ben and I once again talked about Nauvoo. He felt like it just might be what we needed too. We got the information from the phone and found that we had to head the same path to Nauvoo as we did to Washington D.C.

Once we got loaded in the car, we pulled out the scriptures and once again delved into the Church History of Doctrine and Covenants. As we were reading, we realized that winter quarters was only a short distance from where we were. We typed in all the information and about 20 minutes later we were at Winter Quarters.

Even writing this now, I feel that peace. As we drove up to the temple and past the cemetery, my soul delighted. I felt a reverence for the things those pioneers had accomplished and sacrificed. They had left their homes, they had lost EVERYTHING. How on earth could I think my life was in ruins when all that had been lost was my husband's job?

As we watched the movie in the visitors center, my heart was heavy. I had sacrificed so little compared to these saints. They had buried their children. Some children had buried their parents. They walked away from homes that were barely finished in Nauvoo. They did all this to follow the will of the Lord. I was not being asked to walk away from my home, I was being asked to drive to Washington D.C. I wasn't being asked to bury my baby and walk away from the grave, I was bringing my beautiful healthy children on an adventure.

As the tears poured down my face, the Spirit uplifted me and confirmed I WAS listening to the Spirit, I was following what the Lord was asking of me. Honestly the hardest part and biggest doubt was brought to me by my parents and the fear that I wasn't doing what they wanted me to do. Listening to the Lord while going against what my parents wanted was VERY hard. I had been taught and raised that you follow the Lord no matter what but you also need to honor and follow your parents. I have never even considered that a time in my life would come in which the Lord's plan would go against what my parents wanted.

In that moment as I finished watching the movie, in which families separated and children chose to follow the Lord's plan, even though their parents advised against them leaving and going West, I KNEW that the reason the Lord had guided me towards Nauvoo was so that I would find Winter Quarters in Omaha, Nebraska. The Lord had a plan for me and I had to listen to the Spirit, I had to follow that even if I didn't understand why.

Winter Quarters will always hold a sacred spot in my heart. My testimony grew leaps and bounds. I learned that following the Spirit isn't easy. Sometimes we end up walking in 7 miles of mud. In the end, even if we loose it all, as long as we have the Spirit of the Lord, we will be OK.

The missionaries in Winter Quarters were amazing. Our girls got to pull a handcart, dress up as pioneers and many other things. Lyse LOVED the wood block hand carts that they had to "pack" their little wagons full of the blocks and make it all fit.

I had a lot of time to think about my spiritual wagon and what I was putting in it. I realized I had to empty some of the temporal things in order to make room for more spiritual items.

After touring the visitor center, we walked across the street to the cemetery. We didn't stay there long though. After all, it was January in Nebraska and on top of that, they had just recently had a record breaking snowfall that left a LOT of snow on the ground. There wasn't much we could see in the cemetery other than the statue.

As we loaded up in the car, both Ben and I felt as though our desire for Nauvoo was to bring us to Winter Quarters and it was time to head towards Washington D.C. again. Since we weren't really even off the beaten path, we got back onto I-80 and headed out. I don't recall many things other than pointing out the Missouri River and Mississippi River to the girls. We did find a Buffalo Wild Wings and we stopped there to eat dinner.

Chicago was the next big city and it was nightfall long before we were even close to it. I would have LOVED to see Chicago during the day. The city was so bright we saw it far before we arrived there. The roads were confusing and we did loose our way momentarily. We saw the giant great lake off to our left as we cruised on into Indiana.

The second day of travel took us through many states! We went through Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana and we slept in a small town in Ohio; it was on the border of Indiana and Ohio.

Mother's Day

Every year I have to reflect on how Mother's day is about more than just mothers, more than about just woman...the wonderful amazing creatures that make us mothers, children!


This morning I was woken up at 7:00 am by my sweet Katy! She is sooooo amazing! She did that on my birthday too...she was so excited to celebrate my day! Lyse followed suit quickly then they both woke up their dad so they could "surprise" me with breakfast in bed! What amazing children I have been blessed with to celebrate Mother's Day with! I love my children more than I could ever express.

When breakfast of waffles with strawberry and whipped cream was brought to me, my heart melted. What made it melt? The excitement on Katy and Elyse's faces as they also presented their presents! Lyse was so sweet and kind as she handed me my present she said, "I sure hope you will like it mom!"

She was so concerned that I wouldn't...but I don't know why! She made it at preschool and has been DYING to share it with me for DAYS! When I opened it I was once again thankful for her preschool and the amazing teacher there! The present was a BEAUTIFUL wooden heart that Elyse painted green and glued a beautiful picture of Lyse in the center. The heart has a metal hanging handle so I can hang it n the wall! I am so excited to display it! What an amazing teacher to take the time to not only cut out all the hearts but finish them up and even sand the edges to give it an "antiqued" look!

Even without all the extra effort put into it, how could you NOT love such a precious gift of a present with your child's face on it?!? It was perfect!

Katy had made me a book mark and some other craft items she had made with my mom for me. She was very please with herself in sharing those with me. I loved those too! She was so excited for me to see each new craft she had constructed.

I LOVED getting those presents from the girls, not because of the present but because of the love and excitement I see in my childrens' eyes as they experience the joy of giving. What a blessing it is to see that!

Ben and the girls gave me the new Rick Riordan book, "The Red Pyramid"...this series is supposed to be about Egyptian Gods (the last series of Percy Jackson was about the Olympian Gods). I also got a box of oreos...oh man they are my weak spot!! Have to try and avoid...err I mean share those lots!!!

I was greatly blessed today at church. Katy was one of the people asked to talk. What an amazing talk she wrote and gave. Touched my heart and soul and my eyes held the proof in tears! After Katy spoke the primary children sang. What sweetness you experience hearing them sing, "Mother I love you, Mother I do!" How can you hold back the tears on that?!?

Today has been a wonderful day and I am soooo grateful to be called a Mother, mom, mommy, mama. What an amazing blessing my Heavenly Father gave me! I am truly a blessed woman to have not only an amazing husband but 2 amazing children to travel through life with! I am blessed!



P.S. Yes, the pictures are old and from last spring in Grand Cayman and summer in Grandma's backyard. I just love those pictures and the fact that my children love to have adventures and climb grandma's tree even in swimsuits!

P.P.S. Thank you Mom for being such an amazing mother, friend, confidant and grandma! You are loved deeply and dearly!!!

Judgment

Last post I talked about the judgment people put on those that have weight issues. I don't think there is a person alive that doesn't have a weight issue. Before you judge me on that, hear me out.

I know MANY skinny people that would KILL to be able to gain 20 lbs, put some "meat" on their bones. Some are guys, some are girls. For the guys being too skinny is considered "BAD" by popular choice, while the too skinny girls (whom some have problems with pregnancy due to weight) get the "you are so lucky".

I think MOST the people I know that are "skinny" and just that perfect size, are constantly dieting, exercising and fighting the bulge.

Then you get to the people that are over-weight, obese. These are the ones that fight it day after day. They get the instant judgment.

The other day Ben was talking to me about just that, instant judgment. Ben and I have known each other basically all our lives...we were friends for years and years before we even went on a romantic date. Ben informed me, "You are the you I knew in High School. You are no longer afraid of that instant judgment of your weight so you allow yourself to be put out there more often." I instantly agreed with him.

I was instantly judged everywhere I walked because of my weight. I was judged at the gym, I was judged at the school volunteering. If I dressed in a more slenderizing outfit I would instantly get praise and "you are looking so good". While all that was great, if I wasn't trying to loose weight I knew it was all a facade. I also knew many times it was judgment of "you really need to loose so I am going to encourage to see if I can help you continue".

The judgment you get when overweight and obese was debilitating for me. I tried to avoid social functions, especially if food was involved. I avoided getting together with old friends because I had "let myself go". I often turned to food to solve the problem rather than mentally working through it. I feel horrible that many great friendships were never discovered, lost or abandoned because I feared judgment. I couldn't be enough when I was fat.

Now when I am not enough (which still happens)...I know it isn't my weight. It is simply that I am not perfect.

I have made MANY great mistakes in my lifetime. I have treated loved ones and friends ways I never should have. While you may laugh...many of those were also weight related. I was never enough for my in-laws and they didn't understand me...that is what I saw in my eyes. My weight was the cause of that. While I now see that I was truly right in some of those assumptions, there is also part that I blamed my weight when in reality it wasn't that.

My fear of being judged over my weight put me on super high, overload sensitivity. If I sensed even the littlest of problems I immediately jumped to the greatest reason for it.

Losing weight has helped with much of this. Part has also been I have had to come to terms with myself as a person. Not everyone will like or get along with me. Some people may even hate me. That is the way life is. I can't force friendships, I can't make people like me. Before I just always had a "reason" I could finger for the problem...now I know it just be that we don't get along.

As I previously said, I had to deal with a lot when I underwent Gastric Bypass. There were several months there in which I was not getting more than 2 fl oz (which is about 1/4 cup) worth of food in during the whole day! My foods had to be simple and easy to digest. The smell of almost ALL food made me nauseated to the point I would throw up. Even being in a grocery store parking lot in which there was a fast food joint, the smell of fat in the air would make my mouth water with nausea.

After I was finally able to eat some foods, my small new stomach got an ulcer! I was on daily aspirin for my blood clots...well aspirin causes ulcers. Since my stomach is smaller, even a small ulcer is 10 times worse.

I dealt with a lot and had to come to terms with a lot of my food habits while puking over the porcelain bowl. The desire for fast food was GONE. I can now handle the smell of fast food but try to make it rare and far between (like 1 time in the month of April I took Lyse and Katy to McDonald's and that was for the play land and it was my friend that took them...I just picked them up. I actually kinda wish that I could still smell fat the way I used to...but I am also very grateful that olfactory sense has left. Seriously, no food smelled good. I like that food now smells good to me. I love that I had that time to learn what I needed...to get and gain the habits of healthy foods and eating. I had always been good...now I am even better. Tonight my snack was a hand full of snap peas...1 year ago it would have been a bowl of ice cream or cereal.

Judgment is a strange beast because we live in a world of constant and quick judgment. I am still judged by my weight but it isn't an instant, "that person needs to go on a diet". My relationships haven't all went from toxic to amazing. I will admit some of have gotten better (which in many ways HURTS because I know it was my weight that was stopping it from being good to begin with). Some relationships haven't changed. I don't know of any relationships that have gotten worse. I think the big reason for that is...I myself have changed.

I am no longer the person I was a year ago. I am more outgoing. I don't fear judgment when volunteering or serving. I now feel like I can make a tray of brownies and take them around to friends and ward members and not have them be like, "Oh of course it is the obese lady that brings brownies". I am NOT saying that they would have said that...that is more how I felt they would feel. As I said, I am NOT perfect and I KNOW that my changing attitudes has been the biggest change.

In the end, it breaks my heart that judgment exists. It breaks my heart that I was so judgmental of not only myself but of people and their capacity to love and accept no matter the size. I have true grief over the 7 years I spent obese and 4 years I spent severely obese. I lost those years. I also feel extreme gratitude that those numbers aren't higher, that I can have the life I wanted but was to scared and held back on.

I hope and pray I can remember this lesson and be slower to judge and quicker to love. While the weight loss surgery may seem easy...it wasn't. I had to face all these demons head on and I am still facing some. It sucks at times but I am trying to keep a good attitude about it all. I am forever grateful and hope and pray I can remember this and never go back to the way I was. I never want to be there again.

New Start

1 year ago today I started on a new part of life and weight loss.

I don't ever talk about this with but a few people. I have tried to hide it.

I am NOT ashamed of it in any way. I am afraid of what people will think. I KNOW what some think!

I wish I could tell them what I have learned, what I know and that they are TRULY wrong in their assumption that I took the easy way out.

1 year ago I went to my first meeting for weight loss surgery.

We were truly blessed to have an insurance that paid 100% minus co-pays. That insurance gave me a new life.

The process wasn't LOOOONG and tedious like it can be with some insurances. I started the process on May 6, 2009. My surgery was on July 1, 2009, so just under 2 months...which is basically how long even self paying people have to wait.

There is a process that no matter how quickly you want it done, you still have to meet the process.

First you have to attend a meeting. They discuss all the options, what each entails and then you have time in which you can sit and talk with people that have had the surgery. I originally planned on doing lap band. I walked out of the meeting confident, sure and a re-affirmation from my Father in Heaven that Gastric Bypass was what I was supposed to do. Ben felt the same so that was a great thing.

Then comes the paperwork. You leave the meeting with a HUGE pamphlet that you have to fill out. Important decisions have to be made. One is which surgery. Another is which doctor. I had already felt very inspired to go with Dr. McKinley, after all he was the one that I had found on the internet while in Oklahoma and lead me to that specific practice.

I guess if I really talk about when my process started, I would have to say that it started in April of 2009. That is when I was trying desperately to loose weight and was not loosing any. That is when I had a night I had to read through all my information on insurance for a friend that had the same insurance and needed an answer. That is when I came across the Weight Loss Surgery area of our coverage and had such an overwhelming Spiritual confirmation that it makes me teary even thinking of it.

This decision was not a decision I took lightly. I researched and researched. A big reason I chose to do lap band before the meeting was because it was the safest. Going under the knife to loose weight is serious. I have children. I have to raise those children. Dying on the table while trying to help myself and children in the future...well the children wouldn't have me in the future. I prayed a lot, talked to Ben a lot and then I went to my mom and sister.

Everyone wanted me to do lap band and honestly I was leaning towards it because of safety but as I was lead towards it there was also this burning in my soul that told me Gastric Bypass was what I needed to do.

After the meeting and both my husband and I feeling Gastric Bypass was the answer. I filled out the paper time and had it turned in within a week (including all the copies of medical transcripts from 4 different doctors).

Once my paperwork was turned in then I had to wait. I am not patient...each day that went by I would worry and fret that for some reason my insurance would decide they didn't want to cover the surgery for me.

The day I got the letter in the mail from my insurance was such an amazing day. I was sooooo happy! I was soooo grateful and once again I received Spiritual confirmation that I was doing what I was meant to, that the Lord was guiding me here.

From that point on it was mainly timing with the surgeon and office. I had to attend 2 meetings and a pre-surgery exam. I had to get some blood work up and for 2 weeks before the surgery I had to eat under 1000 calories a day (which I did).

My surgery went perfect, my recovery didn't go perfect. Matter of fact, within the first week I had blood clots and had to go back in for surgery on the 8th of July because of complications. Recovery sucked. Anyone that was around me and supporting me during that time will fully agree that my choice for weight loss surgery was not the easy way out.

The first time I had to walk after the surgery I thought I would die. Laughing made me cry not because of joy. Food was NOT my friend...I couldn't even eat 1 fl. oz of food, much less the 2 fl. oz.

My stomach caused many problems for many months and honestly it took me 4 months to be able to eat 2 fl. oz. size portions. I can now eat 6-8 fl oz worth of food but try to stick to 2-4 fl. oz. serving sizes.

I started my surgery at 300 lbs...today 10 months and 6 days after the surgery I weigh 159 lbs. My doctor figured I would loose to about 180. I have had to work hard and a lot. I have to turn down food that looks good because I know my body shouldn't have it. I still have to have will power. I am NOT perfect but I am trying.

Writing about this is one of the hardest things I do. I think the biggest reason I dared do it was because I know very few people read my blog.

I want to be able to share, I want to get past the judgment that I know many people place on those that have Gastric Bypass Surgery. I want them to know it is NOT the easy way out and you still have to make choices daily. I can still get fat again if I make the wrong choices. The differences is it has allowed me to get skinny!!! I am FINALLY able to do it. I have learned so much and I will write more about it, but for now my children want me to take them for a bike ride and I can do that...something that 1 year ago I could not.

Gastric Bypass gave me back my life. That is something that I will be eternally grateful for!

Day of Appreciation

I need a day of appreciation...a day in which I appreciate all I have been blessed with.

I have an amazing husband that loves me and wants me no matter what.

I have 2 adorable, loving, kind daughters.

I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom with my girls!!

We have a home.

We have a family.

I have a "we".

My parents and family love and care about us.

I have amazing friends.

We live in a free country.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I have a testimony of my Savior!

I love my calling in the church and that I have been entrusted with helping build testimonies in the wonderful children in our ward.

I know I have a Savior who loves me. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I don't always understand the trials I am given, but I KNOW even with the trials that He loves me and is doing it to help me become who I want to be.

My cats are good, behaved and loving - I know that sounds weird but it is important. My girls love their cats. The cats love the girls and allow the girls to maul them. The cats are good family cats. I love that we can have family pets in our small home...pets that take up a small amount of room and actually enjoy the small area. I am grateful to a Heavenly Father that gave us animals, pets, companions that help comfort us.

I know I already said this but once again...I am thankful for my daughters, that I have been able to carry 2 pregnancies full term and produce 2 beautiful girls. I truly do love them. I am grateful I was given them.

When I get down and sad that we don't have a job, we don't have a house, we don't have a yard, we don't have the ability to get pregnant right now...I have to remember all I DO have and that is a lot.

Although my heart hurts and breaks over the desire for another child, I am grateful the Lord has given me what I have. I want more but know that even if it isn't in this life, I WILL have more! I am grateful for that knowledge.

As If

I am trying hard to be happy, smiling and sharing of love. I am trying to not let the world mow me over. I am trying to understand the Lord's reasons for everything.

What I can't understand is why the Lord is wanting to take EVERY desire of my heart, wave it in front of my face and snatch it away.

I understand people will have more children and that they need to fulfill the Lord's plan for them. I get that.

Why can't I get one too though?

Am I really that horrible of a mom? A person? Can I not be entrusted with more?

I am really not seeing the Lord's plan on this one. EVERY person around me...people on both sides of the family...new nephews (one could be a niece, no final verdict but I get the feeling it is a nephew).

Just when I think "What else can be thrown in my face and make me feel even worse"...something else is thrown in my face.

Tonight my heart hurts and I feel so alone.

Why must I endure the pain and heartache all over again.

I hate it. I just don't get it. I just don't understand.

Infertility sucks. Unemployment sucks. Being sick sucks. Having all three at one time feels like Hell.

Tonight I even feel like Family kinda sucks. I am sick of dealing with in-laws. I am sick of the rat race, never being enough. I have no desire to be their friends but I wish we could at least be friendly. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone unless they knew it all...but I don't have the ability to write it all.

My heart hurts as I find out about 1 more person being pregnant. Not that their pregnancy isn't happy news...it is. Not that they are taking one of my babies. I guess what I don't understand is why! Why can't I have that little bit of joy added to my life? Why do I have to have this struggle?

I know I have been promised help in child birth...but what if my only chances at it are gone? What if I don't get anymore? I do NOT feel complete. If my family is over, through, complete...why can't the Lord at least let me feel complete, done?

As if I didn't already have enough...I now have heart ache the size of Alaska living in my chest, sucking out my breath.

Struggling

I think that word sums it up perfectly how I am currently feeling.

I can't put my finger on one set thing in which causes me to feel like I am drowning so quickly.

My brain seems to live in a constant haze and confusion.

I worry about everything and nothing.

I live in fear when I should be living in faith.

I am not sure how much more I can really take. I know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for me. I KNOW he is aware of me and where I am at. I am terrified of where His plan will take me, where I will be lead.

Following a path without having an answer of where it will take you just plain SUCKS! I know in the end I will be in a happy spot but what will be sacrificed between here and there?

I am so freaked out over money I can't sleep. My constant headaches are due in part to my current situation.

I am not and never have been a person to shirk off obligations. My credit score means a lot to me (even though I know it shouldn't). Earlier this year there was a bogus report on my credit that took my score down to 629. I FREAKED out...and that is putting it lightly. I fought and fought and finally won. This last week I pulled my report and I was at 720. While I know 720 isn't AMAZING...it does show that I pay my bills and try to live within my means.

My credit cards have balances on them. Some of the balance I could have avoided in being more frugal here and there. When you are living on $400/week and get a $170 electricity bill...you are gonna have to use the plastic to pay everything.

Even typing this stresses me out to the point that I can feel a migraine, nervous breakdown and emotional outburst all at once come on.

How am I going to do this?

How am I going to miss that first car payment or mortgage payment?

What if we miss out on the unemployment extension and NO more money comes in after May 26th? What then?

Our savings has been murdered this last few months. I can only make 2 mortgage payments off savings...no car or any other payments can be made. May is only a hop, skip and jump away. What then?

My head hurts, my heart aches and I am too overwhelmed. Why can't people understand that I have reached my max, my breaking point? No pill is gonna bring me back from the dark place I am headed. I know the Lord's hand can and will pull me through...but once again fear. How long will I be lead through the darkness before I see the light?

I hate asking for help. I loathe it. I hate my parents, in-laws and church knowing my finances and that I need help with them.

I have tried and applied for TONS of jobs...not one call has come in for me.

Ben has applied and tried to get tons of jobs...only "No Thanks" emails have come back to him.

I have had to come to face reality that I just may loose my house and car and screw over my credit. My stomach lurches at the thought of having to move in with my parents.

I wish there was more I could do. The only thing I can do is have faith...and honestly I am faltering and that scares me more than my money woes :( I want to replace my fear with faith but that is a LOT easier said than done!

Kindergarten

My baby is going to Kindergarten Orientation today. I am struggling with the orientation...I have NO clue how I will make it through the starting of school in the Fall.

I always thought my baby starting Kindergarten would be after I had 4 or 5 other children start Kindergarten. I honestly had NO clue it was after only one other had started.

I want a baby. I hate feeling the desire, the need, the want and having no control over the addition. I know the Lord gave me this trial for a reason...but it doesn't make it any easier. Why can everyone around me be pregnant and announcing pregnancy right now? Why can't I get one?

Infertility just plain and simply SUCKS!!! I want another little one...my arms, body and heart ache and yearn for another little one to love, cuddle and mother as he/she grows and develops.

I know the Lord has reason and lessons for each person on this earth. I know that each time we follow His will, our lives are blessed. I know He knows our hearts desires while at the same time knows what we can handle. I hope I can accept, follow and cherish His will for me!!!