Over and over lately I have gotten the feeling that I need to listen and have more faith in my promptings.
The Problem: I don't know what I am hearing!
I honestly do not know what I need to be listening to or what prompting I need to follow.
I asked Ben for a blessing. I have some health issues as well as my anxiety over everything going on.
In the blessing I was blessed to have Faith in the plan our Father in Heaven has for me. The problem is I don't know if there is the a new plan or if it is the original plan! I must say there is a gut feeling that says it is the original plan...I just need to be strong and have faith.
The other thing I was more told than blessed with is that my Father in Heaven was ALWAYS there for me, ready and waiting to assist me. It wasn't said but I felt as though I just needed to ask. I thought I had been asking but the way I was told made me realize I can't just cry HELP in my prayers and expect a full plan to be laid out before me. I need to take my life, dissect and observe then ask for help where it needs to be.
I realized that even more yesterday. I had $460. I had $960 in bills to figure out how to pay. Ben was beside himself. I was beside myself. Through our situation, I have tried DESPERATELY to not ask for helping paying our bills. I have tried and mostly succeeded in finding a way to take care of it all ourselves.
I was sick. Literally sick from the thought of actually having to go ask for money. I don't want to put someone else out. As we were driving in the car to pay the bills my heart was sinking; it sunk faster and faster as I watched Ben in despair as well. I offered a quick, quiet, VERY sincere and too the point prayer asking my Father in Heaven to PLEASE help me figure out a way to pay everything.
My bills all were paid and taken care of. I am walking away with $20 from the $460.
I can STRONGLY attest it was my prayer, it was my Father in Heaven; it was MY miracle!
As Ben finished up my blessing, my thoughts returned to my prayer from yesterday. I thought of how Heavenly Father had told me through the power of the priesthood that He was standing, waiting and willing to offer assistance to me.
My heart is full. I KNOW our Father in Heaven lives. I KNOW He watches over us. He is ready, willing and waiting...we just have to go to him with our precise problems. Every small thing is seen by Him. He is aware but just wants us to be aware and willing to ask!
I learned a lesson today! Just like I would have to ask my earthly father or father-in-law if we needed help, I need to ask my Heavenly Father. I can't go to my dad and say, "I need help." He would need me to tell him what I need help with, I would have to open up to him. Honestly, praying for specific things has been treated the same by me as going to my dad and saying, "I need help paying my mortgage". Although I must say - it is in MANY ways much easier!
I can't use the blanket statement of "we need help" any longer. Stating in prayers, "You know our situation. You know we need help. Please help us." Is NOT enough. I need to ponder and pray specifically and just like yesterday he will pour out the blessings from Heaven and respond to me. I need to be willing to pour out my soul and not just say, "You know what is going on, we need help". He wants me to counsel with him. I need that counsel with him.
I am soooo grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me! I am so grateful to know he is aware of me and my situation. I am grateful I get to pray to him.
Being more specific and focused in prayers is my goal. Ponder, specify and listen along with the kneeling and praying are needed.
Honestly I can say (even with everything going on in our lives)...Life is Good!
Showing posts with label Unemployment sucks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Unemployment sucks. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Failures as a mother
I have been struggling. Ben even asked if I needed to go to the Dr. and get some anti-depression meds.
I watch our savings go to nothing and anxiety fills my body. Seriously, I am at a breaking point. Last night I SWORE I was done...done with everything. Today I woke up sad but able (not ready) but able to live again.
Yes I know finances aren't everything. I just feel like a failure.
Thursday night we were driving to Kohl's to meet my parents and Katy (in a VERY excited voice says, "Guess what mom? You don't need a house to get books from the library, all you need is a card. So if we don't get money and we loose our house we can still get free books from the library."
My heart broke into a million piece right then and there! My beautiful wonderful almost 8 year old is carrying around on her shoulders the worries of an adult and it isn't fair. I felt like a complete FAILURE as a mother!!! I have tried to guard and shield them from this as much as I can; while at the same time I am having to be honest and truthful with them, especially in regards to not having extra money for this and that.
I have not guarded and hid my fears deep enough from them. I know I have broken down a couple times and I try to hide it from them but they still notice. Katy hasn't been mentioning the fear of loosing our house or anything so I thought I was doing ok. That little paragraph she spoke to me made me realize she still worried...she just didn't tell me cause she didn't want me to worry about her.
I failed my Katybug! That kills me more than anything. So last night my break down and today's BLAH had a reason - I failed at protecting my daughter...instead she felt like she needed to protect me! It is NOT fair that she is faced with this and even has a reason to worry. It is NOT fair I didn't protect her more. It kills me!
So today I decided I needed to start over...I needed to recharge and refresh. I decided even though I had ZERO desire to go to the Temple, I would. I got Ben's pants out and hemmed and ironed them. I got a babysitter arranged. I got an appointment at the Oquirrih Mountain Temple. It was going to work - I was going to force it to.
Lyse had been sent to bed cause she wouldn't stop crying...I figured she needed a nap. She complained of a stomach ache before going to bed and when I went upstairs to wake her up so we could go to the temple she was BURNING up. I called Ben in and went and got the thermometer.
103 F.
I checked again - same answer. We got the shower running, put her in to help cool her off and then called the doctor. Complaining horrible and very suddenly of a stomach ache and then shortly thereafter have a fever had me very concerned. It concerned the doctors office too - I was told to take her to the ER.
Since we didn't have any Motrin or Tylenol in the house and had been told to take her to the ER, we headed immediately to the ER. Poor thing was not feeling well and cried the entire way there, the entire 5 minutes we were in the waiting room and then continued to cry for the next 3 hours. They tried to give her popsicles, they tried to give her pain reliever...we tried to give her popsicles, we tried to give her pain reliever. NONE of it worked. She wanted nothing to do with any of it.
When the easy answer of strep came back negative, the informed us they HAD to put in an IV, get some blood and do other tests. Lyse was NOT happy about the IV being put in. I held her on my lap, Ben held her as well. The nurse brought in what she called the "enforcement" a young, buff orderly. All 4 of us tried desperately to hold down Lyse, the 5 year old. She bawled. I bawled. My baby was sick, in pain and now we were inflicting more pain. My heart broke! I think I cried harder than she did! Nothing hurts more than holding your daughter down as she is in agony. NOTHING!!
During the process, Lyse knocked the nurse and needle and well lets just say LOTS of blood poured out. Unfortunately, that blood poured out onto my pants :( They are my favorite pants and DANG cute. Hopefully the blood will all come out. If not...oh well!
Once the IV was set, they gave Lyse some morphine. Once the morphine kicked in, Lyse for the first time in HOURS stopped crying. She allowed us to give her pain meds, she allowed us to get a urine sample. She ate a popsicle and then asked for more. Bart and Debbie came and Lyse played with their iphones.
Lyse was diagnosed with a UTI for sure. They are questioning if the UTI had moved to the kidneys. They also still wondered about the appendicitis, so we get to go back to the ER in the morning for a recheck and more antibiotics. The doctor wanted to leave the IV in over night but Ben was rather uncomfortable with that, so they did remove that. In the morning, she will either have to have a shot or have another IV or best case scenerio we can just get some oral meds...I am hoping for oral meds!
As the amazing sweet nurse removed Lyse's IV Lyse said to her, "That medicine you gave me took away all the pain...I didn't feel ANYTHING". The nurse smiled and chuckled and said, "Ya it will do that!" Lyse mentioned SEVERAL times how much she loved that morphine. Gotta watch that girl! :)
Tonight we are home and I am grateful. I know that the blessing Ben gave Lyse is the reason we are not checked into the hospital and sleeping there tonight. Even though I didn't get the temple, my priorities are back in order. My family is all that truly matters. Yes the other stuff DOES matter and is stressful but in the end I need to be a better mom at protecting Lyse and Katy from that yucky stuff and helping them enjoy the amazing stuff!
I am grateful to have 2 sleeping girls upstairs. I am grateful for a husband that holds the priesthood. I am grateful for my family!
I watch our savings go to nothing and anxiety fills my body. Seriously, I am at a breaking point. Last night I SWORE I was done...done with everything. Today I woke up sad but able (not ready) but able to live again.
Yes I know finances aren't everything. I just feel like a failure.
Thursday night we were driving to Kohl's to meet my parents and Katy (in a VERY excited voice says, "Guess what mom? You don't need a house to get books from the library, all you need is a card. So if we don't get money and we loose our house we can still get free books from the library."
My heart broke into a million piece right then and there! My beautiful wonderful almost 8 year old is carrying around on her shoulders the worries of an adult and it isn't fair. I felt like a complete FAILURE as a mother!!! I have tried to guard and shield them from this as much as I can; while at the same time I am having to be honest and truthful with them, especially in regards to not having extra money for this and that.
I have not guarded and hid my fears deep enough from them. I know I have broken down a couple times and I try to hide it from them but they still notice. Katy hasn't been mentioning the fear of loosing our house or anything so I thought I was doing ok. That little paragraph she spoke to me made me realize she still worried...she just didn't tell me cause she didn't want me to worry about her.
I failed my Katybug! That kills me more than anything. So last night my break down and today's BLAH had a reason - I failed at protecting my daughter...instead she felt like she needed to protect me! It is NOT fair that she is faced with this and even has a reason to worry. It is NOT fair I didn't protect her more. It kills me!
So today I decided I needed to start over...I needed to recharge and refresh. I decided even though I had ZERO desire to go to the Temple, I would. I got Ben's pants out and hemmed and ironed them. I got a babysitter arranged. I got an appointment at the Oquirrih Mountain Temple. It was going to work - I was going to force it to.
Lyse had been sent to bed cause she wouldn't stop crying...I figured she needed a nap. She complained of a stomach ache before going to bed and when I went upstairs to wake her up so we could go to the temple she was BURNING up. I called Ben in and went and got the thermometer.
103 F.
I checked again - same answer. We got the shower running, put her in to help cool her off and then called the doctor. Complaining horrible and very suddenly of a stomach ache and then shortly thereafter have a fever had me very concerned. It concerned the doctors office too - I was told to take her to the ER.
Since we didn't have any Motrin or Tylenol in the house and had been told to take her to the ER, we headed immediately to the ER. Poor thing was not feeling well and cried the entire way there, the entire 5 minutes we were in the waiting room and then continued to cry for the next 3 hours. They tried to give her popsicles, they tried to give her pain reliever...we tried to give her popsicles, we tried to give her pain reliever. NONE of it worked. She wanted nothing to do with any of it.
When the easy answer of strep came back negative, the informed us they HAD to put in an IV, get some blood and do other tests. Lyse was NOT happy about the IV being put in. I held her on my lap, Ben held her as well. The nurse brought in what she called the "enforcement" a young, buff orderly. All 4 of us tried desperately to hold down Lyse, the 5 year old. She bawled. I bawled. My baby was sick, in pain and now we were inflicting more pain. My heart broke! I think I cried harder than she did! Nothing hurts more than holding your daughter down as she is in agony. NOTHING!!
During the process, Lyse knocked the nurse and needle and well lets just say LOTS of blood poured out. Unfortunately, that blood poured out onto my pants :( They are my favorite pants and DANG cute. Hopefully the blood will all come out. If not...oh well!
Once the IV was set, they gave Lyse some morphine. Once the morphine kicked in, Lyse for the first time in HOURS stopped crying. She allowed us to give her pain meds, she allowed us to get a urine sample. She ate a popsicle and then asked for more. Bart and Debbie came and Lyse played with their iphones.
Lyse was diagnosed with a UTI for sure. They are questioning if the UTI had moved to the kidneys. They also still wondered about the appendicitis, so we get to go back to the ER in the morning for a recheck and more antibiotics. The doctor wanted to leave the IV in over night but Ben was rather uncomfortable with that, so they did remove that. In the morning, she will either have to have a shot or have another IV or best case scenerio we can just get some oral meds...I am hoping for oral meds!
As the amazing sweet nurse removed Lyse's IV Lyse said to her, "That medicine you gave me took away all the pain...I didn't feel ANYTHING". The nurse smiled and chuckled and said, "Ya it will do that!" Lyse mentioned SEVERAL times how much she loved that morphine. Gotta watch that girl! :)
Tonight we are home and I am grateful. I know that the blessing Ben gave Lyse is the reason we are not checked into the hospital and sleeping there tonight. Even though I didn't get the temple, my priorities are back in order. My family is all that truly matters. Yes the other stuff DOES matter and is stressful but in the end I need to be a better mom at protecting Lyse and Katy from that yucky stuff and helping them enjoy the amazing stuff!
I am grateful to have 2 sleeping girls upstairs. I am grateful for a husband that holds the priesthood. I am grateful for my family!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Ulcers
I have a stomach ulcer. I have managed to loose 5 lbs due to it but I am ready for it to be gone! I have a dr. appt and I am dreading it cause of money but looking forward to it because I need help with my stomach!
My. Stomach. HURTS!!!!
I also am having extreme anemia. The two are most likely related. I tried to give blood and they turned me away for lack of enough iron. I am starting on some new vitamins to help it all soon. I personally think that if they could just solve the ulcer, the anemia will solve itself! Until then I am tired, want more sleep and want to be able to eat, drink or basically anything without wanting to DIE from the pain that follows.
On a side note: I have been praying a LOT about our situation. I kept feeling like this week would have some good movement in the way of money. For the first time, I have been contacted from one of the MANY job applications I have turned it. It is actually a good job that I would be able to do from home. I don't want to get my hopes up to high but it is looking promising! I would love for it to be the company but I have come to see that the company is going to take some time to get up and running.
My. Stomach. HURTS!!!!
I also am having extreme anemia. The two are most likely related. I tried to give blood and they turned me away for lack of enough iron. I am starting on some new vitamins to help it all soon. I personally think that if they could just solve the ulcer, the anemia will solve itself! Until then I am tired, want more sleep and want to be able to eat, drink or basically anything without wanting to DIE from the pain that follows.
On a side note: I have been praying a LOT about our situation. I kept feeling like this week would have some good movement in the way of money. For the first time, I have been contacted from one of the MANY job applications I have turned it. It is actually a good job that I would be able to do from home. I don't want to get my hopes up to high but it is looking promising! I would love for it to be the company but I have come to see that the company is going to take some time to get up and running.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Yes... No... Completely Unsure!
Extreme stress and concern is a plague I seem to have caught.
I am seriously more lost than I have ever been or felt. I do not know what I should do or what is being asked of me.
I am desperate.
At the same time, my testimony is steadfast and strong. I know my Father in Heaven is in control but I don't know what actions I am supposed to take.
I wish my Patriarchal Blessing or a Priesthood Blessing would just give me the answer...but as MANY wise mothers have said, "You have to decide what is best" is the situation I am finding myself in and honestly... I. do. not. know.
I know many thing I have always struggled and worked towards may come to a halt and I must change but honestly I don't know if that is what I am supposed to do either.
I do know that 1 month without pay is not fun. I do know that 1 more month without income I can't do.
I feel like crap right now.
Yes, it is 2:00 am. Yes, I am awake with worry. Yes, I have applied for and search for many jobs tonight. Yes, I want to cry. Yes, I have no clue if what I am doing is right.
No, I am not sure if I can even pull us out of this pit with a measly $8/hour job. No, I don't want to leave home. No, I don't have a clue or incline of what would happen with my children were I to get a job. No, I do NOT like this.
I don't know what else to do. Honestly, right now I am posting items up on KSL trying to get a little bit of money to help out. Things I love and cherish could possibly be gone next time you come over. I am seriously contemplating selling the TV, surround sound, etc. for about $250...ya I know I am pathetic you don't need to point that out to me again.
Yes I know I could probably get money from parents but honestly I can't. I HAVE to do this on my own. I am honestly not sure what I need to do but I know something has to be done.
This whole situation kills me. I am tired of it.
Please pray for Ben and I and our family. We could use all the prayers possible!
I am seriously more lost than I have ever been or felt. I do not know what I should do or what is being asked of me.
I am desperate.
At the same time, my testimony is steadfast and strong. I know my Father in Heaven is in control but I don't know what actions I am supposed to take.
I wish my Patriarchal Blessing or a Priesthood Blessing would just give me the answer...but as MANY wise mothers have said, "You have to decide what is best" is the situation I am finding myself in and honestly... I. do. not. know.
I know many thing I have always struggled and worked towards may come to a halt and I must change but honestly I don't know if that is what I am supposed to do either.
I do know that 1 month without pay is not fun. I do know that 1 more month without income I can't do.
I feel like crap right now.
Yes, it is 2:00 am. Yes, I am awake with worry. Yes, I have applied for and search for many jobs tonight. Yes, I want to cry. Yes, I have no clue if what I am doing is right.
No, I am not sure if I can even pull us out of this pit with a measly $8/hour job. No, I don't want to leave home. No, I don't have a clue or incline of what would happen with my children were I to get a job. No, I do NOT like this.
I don't know what else to do. Honestly, right now I am posting items up on KSL trying to get a little bit of money to help out. Things I love and cherish could possibly be gone next time you come over. I am seriously contemplating selling the TV, surround sound, etc. for about $250...ya I know I am pathetic you don't need to point that out to me again.
Yes I know I could probably get money from parents but honestly I can't. I HAVE to do this on my own. I am honestly not sure what I need to do but I know something has to be done.
This whole situation kills me. I am tired of it.
Please pray for Ben and I and our family. We could use all the prayers possible!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
$8 lesson from a child
Today I had one of those moments that as a mother you are grateful you taught your child the correct principles and are furious that they are using them on you!
We were at the bank. I am pooling our money together so I can see where we stand...let me just say it was less than thrilling!
While standing in line to close our savings account at Cyprus Credit Union, Ben turns to me and says, "By the way, our business checking is going to cost $8/month." It was not the time nor the place to tell me this.
I lost it! I am not proud that I did but I lost it. $8 isn't much but honestly it is!!! We don't have money. I told Ben that, pretty much in those exact words but in not so nice of tone. I was NOT intending on being upset it was just REALLY REALLY REALLY bad timing! I had a MILLION things on my brain like, "Where am I going to come up with August Mortgage payment...I figured out June and July but savings is running low and I am not sure we will have the money for a full payment in August" and "Car payment is still due and I still have to get the car registered this month" or the all time favorite "I still have car insurance, utilities and gas to figure out for July...crap savings will be gone before August house payment is due".
So while these pleasant thoughts ran through my brain, Ben brings up the $8/month for a checking account for the business. I understand the business needs a good bank for processing payments...heck we have a $1650 check coming to us and we have to turn around and send money back out from that check. You have to have a checking account in order to do that. I get it...I really do! This is in no way Ben's fault...other than crappy timing.
So as we walked out of the bank, I was in tears. Ben was mad at me and hurt for getting upset in the bank. The tension was thick.
That is when my sweet Elyse turned to me and said, "Mom, when you got upset with Dad, I lost the Spirit. I think we need to say a prayer and ask for the Spirit to come back."
The sweet lesson that I so often try to instill in them when they fight was thrown in my face. I did NOT like it but at the same time knew I needed to be humble and know she was in the right.
I agreed and Lyse offered up a sweet, simple prayer. She said, "Heavenly Father. We thank thee for this day. We are sorry and ask thee to please send the Spirit back to us." As she said those words and I said Amen, the Spirit chastised me greatly for losing it over $8 and then love filled my heart. The Spirit was back and peace overcame me.
I KNOW that we will be ok. While I still think we should have gotten a free checking, I can understand Ben's reasoning behind the larger bank. I completely understand why Ben was hurt over my freak out moment in the bank. I just hope he understand WHY I had that freak out moment and it would have been a MUCH better thing to inform me of this once home...not while in another bank emptying savings to try and see how much liquid assets we truly had.
I love my husband...I hope he knows that. He truly is amazing, kind and remarkable. He loves me unconditionally and is always willing to forgive me of my faults. I can never thank him enough for that!
To end on a happy note, nothing says Summer better than kids enjoying homemade ice cream!!!
YUM!!!
We were at the bank. I am pooling our money together so I can see where we stand...let me just say it was less than thrilling!
While standing in line to close our savings account at Cyprus Credit Union, Ben turns to me and says, "By the way, our business checking is going to cost $8/month." It was not the time nor the place to tell me this.
I lost it! I am not proud that I did but I lost it. $8 isn't much but honestly it is!!! We don't have money. I told Ben that, pretty much in those exact words but in not so nice of tone. I was NOT intending on being upset it was just REALLY REALLY REALLY bad timing! I had a MILLION things on my brain like, "Where am I going to come up with August Mortgage payment...I figured out June and July but savings is running low and I am not sure we will have the money for a full payment in August" and "Car payment is still due and I still have to get the car registered this month" or the all time favorite "I still have car insurance, utilities and gas to figure out for July...crap savings will be gone before August house payment is due".
So while these pleasant thoughts ran through my brain, Ben brings up the $8/month for a checking account for the business. I understand the business needs a good bank for processing payments...heck we have a $1650 check coming to us and we have to turn around and send money back out from that check. You have to have a checking account in order to do that. I get it...I really do! This is in no way Ben's fault...other than crappy timing.
So as we walked out of the bank, I was in tears. Ben was mad at me and hurt for getting upset in the bank. The tension was thick.
That is when my sweet Elyse turned to me and said, "Mom, when you got upset with Dad, I lost the Spirit. I think we need to say a prayer and ask for the Spirit to come back."
The sweet lesson that I so often try to instill in them when they fight was thrown in my face. I did NOT like it but at the same time knew I needed to be humble and know she was in the right.
I agreed and Lyse offered up a sweet, simple prayer. She said, "Heavenly Father. We thank thee for this day. We are sorry and ask thee to please send the Spirit back to us." As she said those words and I said Amen, the Spirit chastised me greatly for losing it over $8 and then love filled my heart. The Spirit was back and peace overcame me.
I KNOW that we will be ok. While I still think we should have gotten a free checking, I can understand Ben's reasoning behind the larger bank. I completely understand why Ben was hurt over my freak out moment in the bank. I just hope he understand WHY I had that freak out moment and it would have been a MUCH better thing to inform me of this once home...not while in another bank emptying savings to try and see how much liquid assets we truly had.
I love my husband...I hope he knows that. He truly is amazing, kind and remarkable. He loves me unconditionally and is always willing to forgive me of my faults. I can never thank him enough for that!
To end on a happy note, nothing says Summer better than kids enjoying homemade ice cream!!!
YUM!!!
Friday, June 11, 2010
All over the place
One of my biggest flaws is I can't say no, I am willing and WANTING to help any and all. I hear of a stranger that needs a twin size bed and I think, "Man I wish I had an extra or the money to go buy one because I would". Honestly, I would.
I LOVE to help. The problem is I think many times it makes those around me feel like I am "saving up" for a future favor.
I offer to help my friends and people I love WAY to much. I LOVE it!!! Seriously, when I offer help and a friend takes me up on it...it makes my day! It makes me feel loved, that I am fulfilling the purpose I was sent here on earth.
I have some friends that I have offered the help to and I get weird looks or "no thanks" EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
This has me really thinking and struggling. Do they just not like me and don't want to admit it?
Today I was hurt sooooo badly by 2 of these friends. I don't think they can nor will ever know the pain they inflicted or the tears that have been cried over it today.
Tonight I am seriously contemplating these "friendships". I wonder if it is just me feeling the friendship.
I honestly don't know anymore. Normally I can read people pretty well but not now, not with this.
For now I will sit on my couch (soon to be snuggled in nice WARM flannel pj's) and moan away my sadness with some ice cream or maybe I will get some yummy warm rolls or something.
Ya...don't judge me! Even with gastric bypass I still have my comfort foods that just kinda help...I just eat a LOT less of them than I did before. Before I would have binged and eaten 5 cinnamon rolls. Now I will eat 1/4 of 1 slowly and get my comfort! I don't have money to shop it away and honestly I am too tired and lazy tonight to exercise it away!
My last thing - today the girls and I had a FABULOUS time with Becca (the Primary Pres. I serve under). She and her kids came with us up to "This is the Place Heritage Park". It was AMAZING! The kids LOVE LOVE LOVED it! The petting farm area with lambs and kids (baby goat not child) was the all time fave! Of course they liked the pigs, bunnies, sheep and goats as well. A close runner up was the children's play area that they were able to play in miniature homes, shops, barns, etc. The log home and rocker chair was their primary residence and rain guards. Honestly the only bad thing was the rain!!! Free ice cream cone made the day even in the rain was a hit! It was AMAZING, WONDERFUL and GREAT! It was even better having friends there to share it all with us! :)
Last but not least...Ben was given a load tonight but was unable to find a truck for that load. I am so disheartened....hence the OTHER reason for cinnamon roll or ice cream sob fest! :) It will get better I know it...just right now is hard. I am trying so hard to stay positive and I am SOOOO grateful for the sunshine in my gloomy day that I received from time with my girls and friends at "This is the Place Heritage Park" (even when though it was raining).
I LOVE to help. The problem is I think many times it makes those around me feel like I am "saving up" for a future favor.
I offer to help my friends and people I love WAY to much. I LOVE it!!! Seriously, when I offer help and a friend takes me up on it...it makes my day! It makes me feel loved, that I am fulfilling the purpose I was sent here on earth.
I have some friends that I have offered the help to and I get weird looks or "no thanks" EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
This has me really thinking and struggling. Do they just not like me and don't want to admit it?
Today I was hurt sooooo badly by 2 of these friends. I don't think they can nor will ever know the pain they inflicted or the tears that have been cried over it today.
Tonight I am seriously contemplating these "friendships". I wonder if it is just me feeling the friendship.
I honestly don't know anymore. Normally I can read people pretty well but not now, not with this.
For now I will sit on my couch (soon to be snuggled in nice WARM flannel pj's) and moan away my sadness with some ice cream or maybe I will get some yummy warm rolls or something.
Ya...don't judge me! Even with gastric bypass I still have my comfort foods that just kinda help...I just eat a LOT less of them than I did before. Before I would have binged and eaten 5 cinnamon rolls. Now I will eat 1/4 of 1 slowly and get my comfort! I don't have money to shop it away and honestly I am too tired and lazy tonight to exercise it away!
My last thing - today the girls and I had a FABULOUS time with Becca (the Primary Pres. I serve under). She and her kids came with us up to "This is the Place Heritage Park". It was AMAZING! The kids LOVE LOVE LOVED it! The petting farm area with lambs and kids (baby goat not child) was the all time fave! Of course they liked the pigs, bunnies, sheep and goats as well. A close runner up was the children's play area that they were able to play in miniature homes, shops, barns, etc. The log home and rocker chair was their primary residence and rain guards. Honestly the only bad thing was the rain!!! Free ice cream cone made the day even in the rain was a hit! It was AMAZING, WONDERFUL and GREAT! It was even better having friends there to share it all with us! :)
Last but not least...Ben was given a load tonight but was unable to find a truck for that load. I am so disheartened....hence the OTHER reason for cinnamon roll or ice cream sob fest! :) It will get better I know it...just right now is hard. I am trying so hard to stay positive and I am SOOOO grateful for the sunshine in my gloomy day that I received from time with my girls and friends at "This is the Place Heritage Park" (even when though it was raining).
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Foreclosure
I dreamt all night last night about my poor neighbor. His place has been foreclosed and he is getting the big old boot.
Breaks. My. Heart.
No I do not know him well...but I can see ALL too well how we could be there in a couple months.
I sure hope the business takes off more so that we can have more peace of mind!
Breaks. My. Heart.
No I do not know him well...but I can see ALL too well how we could be there in a couple months.
I sure hope the business takes off more so that we can have more peace of mind!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Breath In, Breath Out
Life is much better - no nothing has changed other than my attitude. There are times I am breaking and just have to vent, cry and freak out. That was one of those sessions. Hopefully I can now move forward with happiness and peace that everything will work out!
Attitude makes or breaks this whole thing...I just hope that I can keep more faith and positive and very few of the emotional outbursts like I had earlier this week :)
Attitude makes or breaks this whole thing...I just hope that I can keep more faith and positive and very few of the emotional outbursts like I had earlier this week :)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
My Ropes End
I feel like crap! Emotionally, Physically and all around crap! Honestly I would love to just die and have it all be gone...but would miss my husband and kids too badly.
Here is my list of crap for today:
Last week of unemployment will be this week...we don't get anymore. I have most credit cards maxed and my savings is down to $2000.
Maxed Credit Cards you say - Yes. That happens when you have to pay $1500 for health insurance because you had to have surgery and the alternative is paying $10000 for the surgery. Oh don't forget to add ALL the copays and prescription costs into that. I would say on me alone I am looking about about $4000 in medical expenses this year so far.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am on hecka strong mega dose of antibiotics. The 2, yes 2, I am currently on are the strongest they can possibly put me on without doing a pic line.
Which brings me to the next topic - I will either have to have a pic line and surgery or be hospitalized and surgery if the 2 antibiotics don't start working. It has been 5 days and when I talked to the dr. he agreed I should be feeling relief. I want to type "Why does the Lord hate me" but know that is only asking for him to show me what hate truly is...and I definitely don't want that.
I have a sick child. First it was Katy. She was miserable, in the hospital, struggling with asthma...you name it, she was struggling with it. Life SUCKED for that little thing. She got better. Thank you answer to prayers and Heavenly Father inspiring great men with modern medicine. Now it is Elyse's turn. Poor thing is miserable and whiny and making me miserable and whiny. What's the deal?!?
So right now we have no money, no more money coming in, Ben's business is starting to move forward but slow, jobs he has applied for nothing is happening with. I have more stress on my plate than I can handle. Honestly I look at our situation...6 months unemployed and honestly I think we will be filing bankruptcy.
I don't understand how the Lord wants me to struggle like this. I have faith, I walk forward in faith than days like this just bury me. I CAN NOT DO ANYMORE!!!!!!! I have met my breaking point. I don't have more to give! If I have to move back in with my parents or in-laws I will kill myself. I can't do it. I know that they all would help us try to keep our house but I can't put that financial burden on them either. My parents don't have the money and asking for it honestly might give my dad that last heart attack and put him in the grave. Bart and Debbie have mentioned several times lately that they just don't have money. Erin has moved back in with them and even though it isn't a ton, it does cost them more money. They go through more food, more electricity, etc. The church has offered several times to help. Our sweet bishop is the most amazing man. He often calls us in to just check on us, make sure we don't need anything.
I am NOT trying to be prideful, I just feel like I should take care of myself and my family. I don't feel as though that is something someone else should do for me. Being on unemployment and having food stamps was hard enough...now looking at the next month knowing I will probably have to ask family, friends and the church to help pay possibly my July and for sure August Mortgage payment - I CANT DO IT!! I know it is there to help I just don't want to have to ask for the help! Why do I have to face this? Why can't things work out? Honestly, I look at our future and I think: well we are going to be filing bankruptcy, loose our house and only car and be living on the street (I can NOT move in with family...can't do it, won't do it). What then? Where is the miracle I have been promised? Why must I have to face this? How long will I have to face this? Why when someone else screws up am I the one paying?
I have come to the end of my rope and honestly don't care if I go on to find a new rope to start it all.
Here is my list of crap for today:
Last week of unemployment will be this week...we don't get anymore. I have most credit cards maxed and my savings is down to $2000.
Maxed Credit Cards you say - Yes. That happens when you have to pay $1500 for health insurance because you had to have surgery and the alternative is paying $10000 for the surgery. Oh don't forget to add ALL the copays and prescription costs into that. I would say on me alone I am looking about about $4000 in medical expenses this year so far.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am on hecka strong mega dose of antibiotics. The 2, yes 2, I am currently on are the strongest they can possibly put me on without doing a pic line.
Which brings me to the next topic - I will either have to have a pic line and surgery or be hospitalized and surgery if the 2 antibiotics don't start working. It has been 5 days and when I talked to the dr. he agreed I should be feeling relief. I want to type "Why does the Lord hate me" but know that is only asking for him to show me what hate truly is...and I definitely don't want that.
I have a sick child. First it was Katy. She was miserable, in the hospital, struggling with asthma...you name it, she was struggling with it. Life SUCKED for that little thing. She got better. Thank you answer to prayers and Heavenly Father inspiring great men with modern medicine. Now it is Elyse's turn. Poor thing is miserable and whiny and making me miserable and whiny. What's the deal?!?
So right now we have no money, no more money coming in, Ben's business is starting to move forward but slow, jobs he has applied for nothing is happening with. I have more stress on my plate than I can handle. Honestly I look at our situation...6 months unemployed and honestly I think we will be filing bankruptcy.
I don't understand how the Lord wants me to struggle like this. I have faith, I walk forward in faith than days like this just bury me. I CAN NOT DO ANYMORE!!!!!!! I have met my breaking point. I don't have more to give! If I have to move back in with my parents or in-laws I will kill myself. I can't do it. I know that they all would help us try to keep our house but I can't put that financial burden on them either. My parents don't have the money and asking for it honestly might give my dad that last heart attack and put him in the grave. Bart and Debbie have mentioned several times lately that they just don't have money. Erin has moved back in with them and even though it isn't a ton, it does cost them more money. They go through more food, more electricity, etc. The church has offered several times to help. Our sweet bishop is the most amazing man. He often calls us in to just check on us, make sure we don't need anything.
I am NOT trying to be prideful, I just feel like I should take care of myself and my family. I don't feel as though that is something someone else should do for me. Being on unemployment and having food stamps was hard enough...now looking at the next month knowing I will probably have to ask family, friends and the church to help pay possibly my July and for sure August Mortgage payment - I CANT DO IT!! I know it is there to help I just don't want to have to ask for the help! Why do I have to face this? Why can't things work out? Honestly, I look at our future and I think: well we are going to be filing bankruptcy, loose our house and only car and be living on the street (I can NOT move in with family...can't do it, won't do it). What then? Where is the miracle I have been promised? Why must I have to face this? How long will I have to face this? Why when someone else screws up am I the one paying?
I have come to the end of my rope and honestly don't care if I go on to find a new rope to start it all.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
My Testimony
In December Ben lost his job the week before Christmas. I was devastated. He was devastated. It was a REALLY hard time on us. A month later and still no job, we both had a feeling that we needed to look in the Washington DC area for a job for him. While we were searching and applying for jobs, we got a distinct feeling we needed to GO to DC for a job.
Making the decision to go was NOT an easy one. Being winter time, unemployed and trying to keep as much in savings as we could, it wasn't exactly the prime time to drive across the country. There was constant doubt of "what if's" a million miles long. We made the decision we would go and the Lord would bless us. I was TERRIFIED!
As we loaded up the car with a cooler, clothes and the girls, I had serious thoughts that we were just crazy. Once we were on the road, I pulled out my scriptures and we would read and discuss. Over and over again the story of Abraham and Isaac kept coming to my mind. I also had many close friends that I talked to along the way and each would bring up that exact story without me even mentioning it. I was moved by the faith of Abraham and his trusting in knowing it was the Spirit of the Lord speaking to him. I hate to admit it but I personally was struggling with "is this really the Spirit" questions.
The second day on the road, after we stopped at Winter Quarters, I felt very compelled to turn to 3 Nephi chapter 13. Verse 31 through part of 34 really hit me.
It says,
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.
As I read this, the Spirit confirmed to me that we were doing what our Father in Heaven wanted. That moment in the car with Ben and my children was one of the most spiritual moments of my life. I KNEW that our Father in Heaven was in control of our situation, He was directing us, He was aware of us and that He was going to take care of us.
Ben didn't get a job but our trip to Washington DC was anything but wasted. We were and are continually blessed. Our family was able to spend time together and we were able to talk to our children a lot about the gospel, the pioneers and share our testimonies with them. For me personally, I gained an undeniable testimony that our Father in Heaven is very personally aware of our lives and the struggles we face. My testimony was strengthened in the Spirit's whisperings and that following them is never a waste, even if you don't gain what you think you should out of the experience. Whenever I start to stress or worry, my memories of that scripture will overcome me and I am reminded that our Father in Heaven is completely aware of us. And even though I am not physically present I feel as though I should end this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Making the decision to go was NOT an easy one. Being winter time, unemployed and trying to keep as much in savings as we could, it wasn't exactly the prime time to drive across the country. There was constant doubt of "what if's" a million miles long. We made the decision we would go and the Lord would bless us. I was TERRIFIED!
As we loaded up the car with a cooler, clothes and the girls, I had serious thoughts that we were just crazy. Once we were on the road, I pulled out my scriptures and we would read and discuss. Over and over again the story of Abraham and Isaac kept coming to my mind. I also had many close friends that I talked to along the way and each would bring up that exact story without me even mentioning it. I was moved by the faith of Abraham and his trusting in knowing it was the Spirit of the Lord speaking to him. I hate to admit it but I personally was struggling with "is this really the Spirit" questions.
The second day on the road, after we stopped at Winter Quarters, I felt very compelled to turn to 3 Nephi chapter 13. Verse 31 through part of 34 really hit me.
It says,
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.
As I read this, the Spirit confirmed to me that we were doing what our Father in Heaven wanted. That moment in the car with Ben and my children was one of the most spiritual moments of my life. I KNEW that our Father in Heaven was in control of our situation, He was directing us, He was aware of us and that He was going to take care of us.
Ben didn't get a job but our trip to Washington DC was anything but wasted. We were and are continually blessed. Our family was able to spend time together and we were able to talk to our children a lot about the gospel, the pioneers and share our testimonies with them. For me personally, I gained an undeniable testimony that our Father in Heaven is very personally aware of our lives and the struggles we face. My testimony was strengthened in the Spirit's whisperings and that following them is never a waste, even if you don't gain what you think you should out of the experience. Whenever I start to stress or worry, my memories of that scripture will overcome me and I am reminded that our Father in Heaven is completely aware of us. And even though I am not physically present I feel as though I should end this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Friday, May 21, 2010
DC Continued
I want to try and type the rest of the trip in this one post. It isn't going to happen but in many ways I wish I could get it all to fit. The trip seemed to go so fast but I learned so much!
Friday morning we woke up in Ohio. We got in the car and drove. We drove and drove. We had some really pretty scenery (been a while since we had that). We drove through the Appalachian Mountains. Those are some pretty awesome sites! We all kept commenting how awesome it would be to drive through those same mountains in the spring, summer and fall...when the leaves were blooming, bloomed and changing colors.
We pulled into Washington D.C. later that night. I had talked to my sister on the phone and she got us some rooms on Priceline for a decent price. We had 4 nights in the same place, a place to call home for a few days.
The girls were sad that we didn't have a pool in the room but THRILLED when they saw the room and how beautiful it was. We were at the Hyatt. I just LOVE the Hyatt Hotel Chain. I have NEVER stayed at one and not just loved the entire time I am there!!!
Friday was the first fight of the trip. The girls were done. I was so glad we were almost to DC. The girls were AMAZING troopers and considering it took them until the middle of the 3rd day driving to have their first fight, I am amazed! They are amazing!!!!
After arriving in DC we got our first warm meal in what seemed like days. We had been eating out of the cooler most of the time and honestly that wears on ya! We went to Papa Razzi's. It was good but definitely not as good as the first time I remember eating there.
Being in DC felt good. I was scared because I didn't know the future. I was excited because I knew that the next 4 days I had a place to stay and call home.
That night I slept really good. As I knelt in prayer and asked what should be done I felt a peace that the next day, Saturday, was a family day. When I got up the next morning and prayed again, same answer, I was excited to spend a day seeing the sites.
We slept in, ate breakfast then walked to the Metro station next door. I am always amazed at how CLEAN DC keeps their Metro. The Rosalyn Station is the station I have been to the most...probably cause each time I have been to DC since being married we have stayed in Rosalyn, Virginia...just across the Potomac from DC.
The day was a BEAUTIFUL day and we had so much fun. Honestly, that was probably the best day for family fun the entire trip. I was at ease. I struggle not knowing the future. I love having a plan. To be in a foreign, expensive city with no job, no plan...only know Ben was supposed to look for a job and that we were supposed to be there...that was HARD!
We walked the "Mall" of DC that day. Taking time to stop at each monument. I wish we had taken the time to stop at one or 2 museums but honestly we just didn't.
As the day drew to a close we headed back to our room. I had a compelling desire to go to the temple. We got in the car and drove. As we were driving, the most beautiful pull out appeared. The pull out let you see over the Potomac into Georgetown. We pulled off the Freeway for a minute to take in the scene...let the girls enjoy the surroundings.
We got back into the car and a few minutes later we were almost to the temple. The DC temple is surrounded by beautiful trees and rolling hills. We went to the visitors center first. We listened to a small excerpt on Christ. I held back tears. Once again I felt peace, I felt the same I had when at Winter Quarters. I felt the Spirit.
The sister missionaries, especially one Sister Crowfoot, came and talked with us. After walking around the visitors center for a while the girls needed to go to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, Sister Crowfoot went and talked to Ben. She found out our situation...and the Spirit spoke to her for her to know EXACTLY what I needed.
After we left the bathroom, she took us down the stairs to a little area. There was a kiosk type thing with pictures of all the 12 Apostles and First Presidency. She played a couple small excerpts of different talks by different men. As each played I thought, "How did she know I needed to hear this". Each talked about the journey of life and how we need to be prepared for it Spiritually cause we never know what will happen physically.
While drying my tears we walked back up the stairs and outside to the temple. The lights were on and the temple shone. Our family walked out onto the temple grounds. Katy wanted to take pictures and we stopped to let her take some pictures. She was soooo excited to be at the temple. I am ALWAYS amazed at children and how they are drawn to holy places! Katy oohed and awed at the temple. Lyse did too but she walked off with Ben so I wasn't there to really talk to her much.
As we were walking some deer suddenly appeared. The were right there, next to the temple. We tried desperately to get a picture but it was just too dark and the little camera wasn't enough.
We walked around the temple, the girls excited and Ben and I chatted. I don't really remember all we chatted about, I just remember how happy and complete I felt walking around that sacred building while holding my sweethearts hand and watching our children ahead of us. I felt the desire to be in the temple but honestly I knew it wasn't meant to be right then...no temple clothes, no babysitter, etc.
Saturday ended and it was honestly a beautiful day. It was a perfect day. We felt the spirit of our nation, the spirit of freedom as we walked the grounds of the Mall area and then even more importantly we felt the Spirit of our Father in Heaven as we walked the grounds of the temple. I am sooo grateful to live in this nation, to have the freedoms we have. I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who inspired men to sacrifice so much so we could be blessed with so much.
Sunday while I wish I could say was an amazing day...it wasn't. I was not as kind to my family as I wished I would have been. Sunday was probably the HARDEST of all the days. Sunday was a day I felt like I was the worst person in the world. Sunday was also the day that I kept feeling what we needed to do, none of it making sense and instead of following happily, I begrudged, fought and got frustrated.
Sunday I was a horrible mom to Lyse. Lyse went into meltdown. Honestly, who can blame her! We had been on the road for 3 days the site seeing all day the next day. We hadn't caught up on sleep, we hadn't had any "relax" time in which we just sat in the room and watched some TV.
Sunday morning I woke up early. I prayed and felt we needed to go get tickets to go into the Washington Monument. It was 7:00 and I got up and dressed. I was going to just drive myself, get the tickets and come back. As I was getting ready I had a strong impression that I needed to get the family up to go with me and take the laptop.
I woke Ben up and everyone quickly got dressed. The day outside was gloomy, rainy (down pouring is more like it) and honestly I felt so down and out I want to cry even thinking of it now. We got our tickets to go to the top of the monument and we headed to see if we could get some internet. We found a cute little cafe that was also a free wireless hot spot. Since we rushed out the door and didn't grab breakfast, the girls were starving. We went and got them a little something and set up on a table for a few minutes.
This is where Lyse had her melt down that continued for an hour. At the end of the hour, I had my melt down. The melt down started when we walked in the pastry cafe and the girls saw all the yummy, delicious morning treats. Katy carefully looked over her choices as Lyse grabbed the first one she saw. A few minutes later she saw another one she wanted but since she had already TOUCHED and grabbed the other one, she couldn't have the second one.
Honestly you would have thought I was starving the child. I ended up being a bad parent and purchased the second item too in order to try and stop the melt down...it didn't work. After we left the cafe and headed to the monument to go inside, Lyse continued her fit. It didn't stop...over and over and over she cried and whined. I hit my max and lost it. We were late to the monument and I was sure we weren't going to make it. Lyse wouldn't stop crying and then refused to get out of the car. I was no longer a nice mommy. I was mean. I am thankful that Ben was there...I am thankful I am not a single parent.
From there it just seemed to fall apart, unravel. I questioned why we had come to Washington DC, I questioned why Ben had to loose his job. I had many many doubting questions and didn't want to allow the peace of the Spirit to help me. The wait in the line for the monument was cold and wet physically...spiritually I felt dead.
Why were we sent here? Where was this job? When were we going to feel the prompting, "Be here and be here now" that we BOTH felt was going to happen. I had woken up that morning feeling like, "today will be the day". I felt like the Washington Monument was where we were supposed to be. I felt like the little cafe was where we were supposed to end up...the internet a life saver. Why had it all fallen apart there?
Looking back I think if I had handled the situation better, there would have been a whole different outcome of that day and experience. I think it could have been a VERY spiritual experience for me. I should have taken the time to talk to Lyse instead of just telling her we didn't have the money for both (which I ended up getting in the end anyway). Looking back if I had been a better mom...if I had not worried as much about money as I did about...there are a lot of if's looking back!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Washington DC - Part 2 (see I knew I would need more than just part 1 ;) )
The funny thing about trying to do the right thing and listen to the Spirit
(some call it following your gut)...if it sounds like an odd or weird thing, people (particularly parents) seem to not like it and freak a bit.
My parents didn't really like our "Washington DC" journey. While they tried to be supportive (well my dad did) it was nerve racking. My mom started calling about 2 hours after we were on the road, in Wyoming just past Evanston.
This was the HARDEST thing for me!!! Honestly I love my mom to death and she is the most amazing woman. The problem was when she called she would say things like, "Well no one will think any less of you guys if you just turn around and come back home" or "You aren't really that far, you can turn around and be home before night and not have to get a hotel room".
I was already struggling. I was questioning and doubting. Why on earth was my Father in Heaven sending me across the United States. What was there? Were we going to move there? Was there a job Ben would find there? What was the reasoning behind this? Why were we being asked to spend money when we needed to SAVE money?
I am not stupid. I really doubted myself and what I was doing but at the same time I knew that the Lord had a bigger plan for me and I needed to follow it. Much of the time spent in the car, Ben and I were reading scriptures out loud. We were both drawn to church history and spent a LOT of time reading Doctrine and Covenants.
The first day we drove to Nebraska. We stopped in a small little town called, Grand Island, Nebraska. We stayed in a little Motel 6 off to the side of I-80. As we pulled into the motel parking lot, we were all exhausted and READY for bed. We carried the girls in. When we got to our beds, we called Ben's parents. Bart was awesome and told us the aviation history of Grand Island. It was the stopping point for people flying from East to West when planes couldn't go across the continent non-stop.
That night we knelt and said our prayer and I felt a STRONG desire and pull to go to Nauvoo. I told Ben and he said he would think about it. We both still felt an urgency to get to DC but I also felt this pull that I had to do!
The next morning we were a bit slow to get up and moving. We let the girls take a bath in their swimming suits for about 20-30 minutes. It had been a 13 hour day driving the day before and we didn't want to wake them and push them back into the car.
While the girls bathed, Ben and I once again talked about Nauvoo. He felt like it just might be what we needed too. We got the information from the phone and found that we had to head the same path to Nauvoo as we did to Washington D.C.
Once we got loaded in the car, we pulled out the scriptures and once again delved into the Church History of Doctrine and Covenants. As we were reading, we realized that winter quarters was only a short distance from where we were. We typed in all the information and about 20 minutes later we were at Winter Quarters.
Even writing this now, I feel that peace. As we drove up to the temple and past the cemetery, my soul delighted. I felt a reverence for the things those pioneers had accomplished and sacrificed. They had left their homes, they had lost EVERYTHING. How on earth could I think my life was in ruins when all that had been lost was my husband's job?
As we watched the movie in the visitors center, my heart was heavy. I had sacrificed so little compared to these saints. They had buried their children. Some children had buried their parents. They walked away from homes that were barely finished in Nauvoo. They did all this to follow the will of the Lord. I was not being asked to walk away from my home, I was being asked to drive to Washington D.C. I wasn't being asked to bury my baby and walk away from the grave, I was bringing my beautiful healthy children on an adventure.
As the tears poured down my face, the Spirit uplifted me and confirmed I WAS listening to the Spirit, I was following what the Lord was asking of me. Honestly the hardest part and biggest doubt was brought to me by my parents and the fear that I wasn't doing what they wanted me to do. Listening to the Lord while going against what my parents wanted was VERY hard. I had been taught and raised that you follow the Lord no matter what but you also need to honor and follow your parents. I have never even considered that a time in my life would come in which the Lord's plan would go against what my parents wanted.
In that moment as I finished watching the movie, in which families separated and children chose
to follow the Lord's plan, even though their parents advised against them leaving and going West, I KNEW that the reason the Lord had guided me towards Nauvoo was so that I would find Winter Quarters in Omaha, Nebraska. The Lord had a plan for me and I had to listen to the Spirit, I had to follow that even if I didn't understand why.
Winter Quarters will always hold a sacred spot in my heart. My testimony grew leaps and bounds. I learned that following the Spirit isn't easy. Sometimes we end up walking in 7 miles of mud. In the end, even if we loose it all, as long as we have the Spirit of the Lord, we will be OK.
The missionaries in Winter Quarters were amazing. Our girls got to pull a handcart, dress up as pioneers and many other things. Lyse LOVED the wood block hand carts that they had to "pack" their little wagons full of the blocks and make it all fit.
I had a lot of time to think about my spiritual wagon and what I was putting in it. I realized I had to empty some of the temporal things in order to make room for more spiritual items.
After touring the visitor center, we walked across the street to the cemetery. We didn't stay there long though. After all, it was January in Nebraska and on top of that, they had just recently had a record breaking snowfall that left a LOT of snow on the ground. There wasn't much we could see in the cemetery other than the statue.
As we loaded up in the car, both Ben and I felt as though our desire for Nauvoo was to bring us to
Winter Quarters and it was time to head towards Washington D.C. again. Since we weren't really even off the beaten path, we got back onto I-80 and headed out. I don't recall many things other than pointing out the Missouri River and Mississippi River to the girls. We did find a Buffalo Wild Wings and we stopped there to eat dinner.
Chicago was the next big city and it was nightfall long before we were even close to it. I would have LOVED to see Chicago during the day. The city was so bright we saw it far before we arrived there. The roads were confusing and we did loose our way momentarily. We saw the giant great lake off to our left as we cruised on into Indiana.
The second day of travel took us through many states! We went through Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana and we slept in a small town in Ohio; it was on the border of Indiana and Ohio.
(some call it following your gut)...if it sounds like an odd or weird thing, people (particularly parents) seem to not like it and freak a bit.My parents didn't really like our "Washington DC" journey. While they tried to be supportive (well my dad did) it was nerve racking. My mom started calling about 2 hours after we were on the road, in Wyoming just past Evanston.
This was the HARDEST thing for me!!! Honestly I love my mom to death and she is the most amazing woman. The problem was when she called she would say things like, "Well no one will think any less of you guys if you just turn around and come back home" or "You aren't really that far, you can turn around and be home before night and not have to get a hotel room".
I was already struggling. I was questioning and doubting. Why on earth was my Father in Heaven sending me across the United States. What was there? Were we going to move there? Was there a job Ben would find there? What was the reasoning behind this? Why were we being asked to spend money when we needed to SAVE money?
I am not stupid. I really doubted myself and what I was doing but at the same time I knew that the Lord had a bigger plan for me and I needed to follow it. Much of the time spent in the car, Ben and I were reading scriptures out loud. We were both drawn to church history and spent a LOT of time reading Doctrine and Covenants.
The first day we drove to Nebraska. We stopped in a small little town called, Grand Island, Nebraska. We stayed in a little Motel 6 off to the side of I-80. As we pulled into the motel parking lot, we were all exhausted and READY for bed. We carried the girls in. When we got to our beds, we called Ben's parents. Bart was awesome and told us the aviation history of Grand Island. It was the stopping point for people flying from East to West when planes couldn't go across the continent non-stop.
That night we knelt and said our prayer and I felt a STRONG desire and pull to go to Nauvoo. I told Ben and he said he would think about it. We both still felt an urgency to get to DC but I also felt this pull that I had to do!
The next morning we were a bit slow to get up and moving. We let the girls take a bath in their swimming suits for about 20-30 minutes. It had been a 13 hour day driving the day before and we didn't want to wake them and push them back into the car.
While the girls bathed, Ben and I once again talked about Nauvoo. He felt like it just might be what we needed too. We got the information from the phone and found that we had to head the same path to Nauvoo as we did to Washington D.C.
Once we got loaded in the car, we pulled out the scriptures and once again delved into the Church History of Doctrine and Covenants. As we were reading, we realized that winter quarters was only a short distance from where we were. We typed in all the information and about 20 minutes later we were at Winter Quarters.
Even writing this now, I feel that peace. As we drove up to the temple and past the cemetery, my soul delighted. I felt a reverence for the things those pioneers had accomplished and sacrificed. They had left their homes, they had lost EVERYTHING. How on earth could I think my life was in ruins when all that had been lost was my husband's job?
As we watched the movie in the visitors center, my heart was heavy. I had sacrificed so little compared to these saints. They had buried their children. Some children had buried their parents. They walked away from homes that were barely finished in Nauvoo. They did all this to follow the will of the Lord. I was not being asked to walk away from my home, I was being asked to drive to Washington D.C. I wasn't being asked to bury my baby and walk away from the grave, I was bringing my beautiful healthy children on an adventure.
As the tears poured down my face, the Spirit uplifted me and confirmed I WAS listening to the Spirit, I was following what the Lord was asking of me. Honestly the hardest part and biggest doubt was brought to me by my parents and the fear that I wasn't doing what they wanted me to do. Listening to the Lord while going against what my parents wanted was VERY hard. I had been taught and raised that you follow the Lord no matter what but you also need to honor and follow your parents. I have never even considered that a time in my life would come in which the Lord's plan would go against what my parents wanted.
In that moment as I finished watching the movie, in which families separated and children chose
to follow the Lord's plan, even though their parents advised against them leaving and going West, I KNEW that the reason the Lord had guided me towards Nauvoo was so that I would find Winter Quarters in Omaha, Nebraska. The Lord had a plan for me and I had to listen to the Spirit, I had to follow that even if I didn't understand why.Winter Quarters will always hold a sacred spot in my heart. My testimony grew leaps and bounds. I learned that following the Spirit isn't easy. Sometimes we end up walking in 7 miles of mud. In the end, even if we loose it all, as long as we have the Spirit of the Lord, we will be OK.
The missionaries in Winter Quarters were amazing. Our girls got to pull a handcart, dress up as pioneers and many other things. Lyse LOVED the wood block hand carts that they had to "pack" their little wagons full of the blocks and make it all fit.
I had a lot of time to think about my spiritual wagon and what I was putting in it. I realized I had to empty some of the temporal things in order to make room for more spiritual items.
After touring the visitor center, we walked across the street to the cemetery. We didn't stay there long though. After all, it was January in Nebraska and on top of that, they had just recently had a record breaking snowfall that left a LOT of snow on the ground. There wasn't much we could see in the cemetery other than the statue.
As we loaded up in the car, both Ben and I felt as though our desire for Nauvoo was to bring us to
Winter Quarters and it was time to head towards Washington D.C. again. Since we weren't really even off the beaten path, we got back onto I-80 and headed out. I don't recall many things other than pointing out the Missouri River and Mississippi River to the girls. We did find a Buffalo Wild Wings and we stopped there to eat dinner.Chicago was the next big city and it was nightfall long before we were even close to it. I would have LOVED to see Chicago during the day. The city was so bright we saw it far before we arrived there. The roads were confusing and we did loose our way momentarily. We saw the giant great lake off to our left as we cruised on into Indiana.
The second day of travel took us through many states! We went through Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana and we slept in a small town in Ohio; it was on the border of Indiana and Ohio.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Washington D.C. (I am sure there will be many parts to this...so I will call this part 1 but if not then this wasn't needed I guess :)
Washington D.C. kept calling me. Seriously I kept having the feeling over and over that I needed to be there. It was a stupid feeling, one that I was sure that was just an "eventual" ending.
Nope...it was immediate and maybe crazy but definitely not stupid. Inspiration from the Lord is NEVER stupid. I just didn't realize it until 10:00 at night on a Monday in January. To be specific it was Monday, January 11, 2010. Ben had been unemployed for almost 1 month.
I was out with some of my best girl friends. I discussed with them how I kept feeling prompted and driven to go to Washington. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Washington D.C. It just isn't the place you head when your husband has lost his job and you have no income coming in. Basically you try and stay home and hold onto any cash you can so you can pay your bills at that point. Well that is what I thought logically.
My wise friend said to me, "Tauni go. Go now. If you are feeling prompted, follow that prompting. Go home, pray with Ben. If it is right, get in the car and drive." Her words rang in my ears and ran straight to my heart. I KNEW what she was saying was exactly what the Lord had been telling me but hearing it said out loud was a WHOLE new experience.
I think Ben thought I had seriously taken some crazy pills and fallen off the wagon when I walked in the door. As I told him of my promptings and that we needed to pray about it, tears poured from my eyes.
The prayer was one of the most powerful prayers I have ever been apart of. The Spirit pierced my soul and the answer of "Leave NOW" radiated through my soul. When the prayer was finished, Ben turned to me and said, "We need to get ready and we need to go". I was terrified.
In our kitchen cupboard, in a silly little mug, I had been hoarding money.
December 18, 2009 Ben was officially fired from the FAA. Christmas was a bleak week away. Luckily, everything had already been purchased and we had kept it small. Even with all that I was still nervous. At Christmas, my parents and in-laws had both been greatly inspired to give cash. The Lord is AMAZING. He prepares us for situations even before we know we will have them. All our Christmas cash was squirreled away in that silly little mug.
As my mind was reeling on why the Lord would ask us to go to Washington D.C., I thought of our little mug with just over a thousand dollars in it. Grateful that I hadn't spent any of the money on wants, I went and pulled out the cash. Carefully counting again the sum came to $1,120.
It was late and I started to wonder if my feelings of inspiration were really just feelings of desire for vacation and need to get away added with fatigue. Ben and I went to bed for the night.
I didn't sleep much. Many times in the night I would pray again to my Father in Heaven asking him if we were to go to Washington D.C. Once again I would get the overwhelming warmth and feeling...yes, go and go now!
I think the ONLY thing that helped me really understand that feeling was the week before the experience Ben and I had at the temple. It was a rushed session for us but one filled with the Spirit. As we pulled out into the snowy streets after the session, racing to get the kids from the babysitter who had other commitments, we both walked away knowing something BIG was coming and coming soon.This was it...this was our something BIG and we both knew it.
The next day was a rush and blur. We went to my parents and informed them, we went to Ben's parents and informed them. I called the school and got Katy on educational leave. We finished laundry and packing.
The biggest concern we had: we didn't have a time frame. We had NO clue of knowing how long we were to be gone. This was NOT a planned vacation. We had high hopes that this was our future, Ben's new career.
Looking back now I can DEFINITELY see how it got us to where we are now and how this was the best journey we ever took. I just wish I could have been more at ease and less on edge. If i had known then what I know now...I would like to think I would but honestly I don't know. It was a learning experience for me!
Wednesday morning, January 13, we finished packing up and headed out the door on a long drive and adventure across the United States of America. The girls were excited.Ben and I were scared, hopeful, prayerful and everything else.
We were in Wyoming when phone calls started coming in.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Day of Appreciation
I need a day of appreciation...a day in which I appreciate all I have been blessed with.
I have an amazing husband that loves me and wants me no matter what.
I have 2 adorable, loving, kind daughters.
I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom with my girls!!
We have a home.
We have a family.
I have a "we".
My parents and family love and care about us.
I have amazing friends.
We live in a free country.
I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I have a testimony of my Savior!
I love my calling in the church and that I have been entrusted with helping build testimonies in the wonderful children in our ward.
I know I have a Savior who loves me. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I don't always understand the trials I am given, but I KNOW even with the trials that He loves me and is doing it to help me become who I want to be.
My cats are good, behaved and loving - I know that sounds weird but it is important. My girls love their cats. The cats love the girls and allow the girls to maul them. The cats are good family cats. I love that we can have family pets in our small home...pets that take up a small amount of room and actually enjoy the small area. I am grateful to a Heavenly Father that gave us animals, pets, companions that help comfort us.
I know I already said this but once again...I am thankful for my daughters, that I have been able to carry 2 pregnancies full term and produce 2 beautiful girls. I truly do love them. I am grateful I was given them.
When I get down and sad that we don't have a job, we don't have a house, we don't have a yard, we don't have the ability to get pregnant right now...I have to remember all I DO have and that is a lot.
Although my heart hurts and breaks over the desire for another child, I am grateful the Lord has given me what I have. I want more but know that even if it isn't in this life, I WILL have more! I am grateful for that knowledge.
I have an amazing husband that loves me and wants me no matter what.
I have 2 adorable, loving, kind daughters.
I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom with my girls!!
We have a home.
We have a family.
I have a "we".
My parents and family love and care about us.
I have amazing friends.
We live in a free country.
I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I have a testimony of my Savior!
I love my calling in the church and that I have been entrusted with helping build testimonies in the wonderful children in our ward.
I know I have a Savior who loves me. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I don't always understand the trials I am given, but I KNOW even with the trials that He loves me and is doing it to help me become who I want to be.
My cats are good, behaved and loving - I know that sounds weird but it is important. My girls love their cats. The cats love the girls and allow the girls to maul them. The cats are good family cats. I love that we can have family pets in our small home...pets that take up a small amount of room and actually enjoy the small area. I am grateful to a Heavenly Father that gave us animals, pets, companions that help comfort us.
I know I already said this but once again...I am thankful for my daughters, that I have been able to carry 2 pregnancies full term and produce 2 beautiful girls. I truly do love them. I am grateful I was given them.
When I get down and sad that we don't have a job, we don't have a house, we don't have a yard, we don't have the ability to get pregnant right now...I have to remember all I DO have and that is a lot.
Although my heart hurts and breaks over the desire for another child, I am grateful the Lord has given me what I have. I want more but know that even if it isn't in this life, I WILL have more! I am grateful for that knowledge.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
As If
I am trying hard to be happy, smiling and sharing of love. I am trying to not let the world mow me over. I am trying to understand the Lord's reasons for everything.
What I can't understand is why the Lord is wanting to take EVERY desire of my heart, wave it in front of my face and snatch it away.
I understand people will have more children and that they need to fulfill the Lord's plan for them. I get that.
Why can't I get one too though?
Am I really that horrible of a mom? A person? Can I not be entrusted with more?
I am really not seeing the Lord's plan on this one. EVERY person around me...people on both sides of the family...new nephews (one could be a niece, no final verdict but I get the feeling it is a nephew).
Just when I think "What else can be thrown in my face and make me feel even worse"...something else is thrown in my face.
Tonight my heart hurts and I feel so alone.
Why must I endure the pain and heartache all over again.
I hate it. I just don't get it. I just don't understand.
Infertility sucks. Unemployment sucks. Being sick sucks. Having all three at one time feels like Hell.
Tonight I even feel like Family kinda sucks. I am sick of dealing with in-laws. I am sick of the rat race, never being enough. I have no desire to be their friends but I wish we could at least be friendly. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone unless they knew it all...but I don't have the ability to write it all.
My heart hurts as I find out about 1 more person being pregnant. Not that their pregnancy isn't happy news...it is. Not that they are taking one of my babies. I guess what I don't understand is why! Why can't I have that little bit of joy added to my life? Why do I have to have this struggle?
I know I have been promised help in child birth...but what if my only chances at it are gone? What if I don't get anymore? I do NOT feel complete. If my family is over, through, complete...why can't the Lord at least let me feel complete, done?
As if I didn't already have enough...I now have heart ache the size of Alaska living in my chest, sucking out my breath.
What I can't understand is why the Lord is wanting to take EVERY desire of my heart, wave it in front of my face and snatch it away.
I understand people will have more children and that they need to fulfill the Lord's plan for them. I get that.
Why can't I get one too though?
Am I really that horrible of a mom? A person? Can I not be entrusted with more?
I am really not seeing the Lord's plan on this one. EVERY person around me...people on both sides of the family...new nephews (one could be a niece, no final verdict but I get the feeling it is a nephew).
Just when I think "What else can be thrown in my face and make me feel even worse"...something else is thrown in my face.
Tonight my heart hurts and I feel so alone.
Why must I endure the pain and heartache all over again.
I hate it. I just don't get it. I just don't understand.
Infertility sucks. Unemployment sucks. Being sick sucks. Having all three at one time feels like Hell.
Tonight I even feel like Family kinda sucks. I am sick of dealing with in-laws. I am sick of the rat race, never being enough. I have no desire to be their friends but I wish we could at least be friendly. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone unless they knew it all...but I don't have the ability to write it all.
My heart hurts as I find out about 1 more person being pregnant. Not that their pregnancy isn't happy news...it is. Not that they are taking one of my babies. I guess what I don't understand is why! Why can't I have that little bit of joy added to my life? Why do I have to have this struggle?
I know I have been promised help in child birth...but what if my only chances at it are gone? What if I don't get anymore? I do NOT feel complete. If my family is over, through, complete...why can't the Lord at least let me feel complete, done?
As if I didn't already have enough...I now have heart ache the size of Alaska living in my chest, sucking out my breath.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Struggling
I think that word sums it up perfectly how I am currently feeling.
I can't put my finger on one set thing in which causes me to feel like I am drowning so quickly.
My brain seems to live in a constant haze and confusion.
I worry about everything and nothing.
I live in fear when I should be living in faith.
I am not sure how much more I can really take. I know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for me. I KNOW he is aware of me and where I am at. I am terrified of where His plan will take me, where I will be lead.
Following a path without having an answer of where it will take you just plain SUCKS! I know in the end I will be in a happy spot but what will be sacrificed between here and there?
I am so freaked out over money I can't sleep. My constant headaches are due in part to my current situation.
I am not and never have been a person to shirk off obligations. My credit score means a lot to me (even though I know it shouldn't). Earlier this year there was a bogus report on my credit that took my score down to 629. I FREAKED out...and that is putting it lightly. I fought and fought and finally won. This last week I pulled my report and I was at 720. While I know 720 isn't AMAZING...it does show that I pay my bills and try to live within my means.
My credit cards have balances on them. Some of the balance I could have avoided in being more frugal here and there. When you are living on $400/week and get a $170 electricity bill...you are gonna have to use the plastic to pay everything.
Even typing this stresses me out to the point that I can feel a migraine, nervous breakdown and emotional outburst all at once come on.
How am I going to do this?
How am I going to miss that first car payment or mortgage payment?
What if we miss out on the unemployment extension and NO more money comes in after May 26th? What then?
Our savings has been murdered this last few months. I can only make 2 mortgage payments off savings...no car or any other payments can be made. May is only a hop, skip and jump away. What then?
My head hurts, my heart aches and I am too overwhelmed. Why can't people understand that I have reached my max, my breaking point? No pill is gonna bring me back from the dark place I am headed. I know the Lord's hand can and will pull me through...but once again fear. How long will I be lead through the darkness before I see the light?
I hate asking for help. I loathe it. I hate my parents, in-laws and church knowing my finances and that I need help with them.
I have tried and applied for TONS of jobs...not one call has come in for me.
Ben has applied and tried to get tons of jobs...only "No Thanks" emails have come back to him.
I have had to come to face reality that I just may loose my house and car and screw over my credit. My stomach lurches at the thought of having to move in with my parents.
I wish there was more I could do. The only thing I can do is have faith...and honestly I am faltering and that scares me more than my money woes :( I want to replace my fear with faith but that is a LOT easier said than done!
I can't put my finger on one set thing in which causes me to feel like I am drowning so quickly.
My brain seems to live in a constant haze and confusion.
I worry about everything and nothing.
I live in fear when I should be living in faith.
I am not sure how much more I can really take. I know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for me. I KNOW he is aware of me and where I am at. I am terrified of where His plan will take me, where I will be lead.
Following a path without having an answer of where it will take you just plain SUCKS! I know in the end I will be in a happy spot but what will be sacrificed between here and there?
I am so freaked out over money I can't sleep. My constant headaches are due in part to my current situation.
I am not and never have been a person to shirk off obligations. My credit score means a lot to me (even though I know it shouldn't). Earlier this year there was a bogus report on my credit that took my score down to 629. I FREAKED out...and that is putting it lightly. I fought and fought and finally won. This last week I pulled my report and I was at 720. While I know 720 isn't AMAZING...it does show that I pay my bills and try to live within my means.
My credit cards have balances on them. Some of the balance I could have avoided in being more frugal here and there. When you are living on $400/week and get a $170 electricity bill...you are gonna have to use the plastic to pay everything.
Even typing this stresses me out to the point that I can feel a migraine, nervous breakdown and emotional outburst all at once come on.
How am I going to do this?
How am I going to miss that first car payment or mortgage payment?
What if we miss out on the unemployment extension and NO more money comes in after May 26th? What then?
Our savings has been murdered this last few months. I can only make 2 mortgage payments off savings...no car or any other payments can be made. May is only a hop, skip and jump away. What then?
My head hurts, my heart aches and I am too overwhelmed. Why can't people understand that I have reached my max, my breaking point? No pill is gonna bring me back from the dark place I am headed. I know the Lord's hand can and will pull me through...but once again fear. How long will I be lead through the darkness before I see the light?
I hate asking for help. I loathe it. I hate my parents, in-laws and church knowing my finances and that I need help with them.
I have tried and applied for TONS of jobs...not one call has come in for me.
Ben has applied and tried to get tons of jobs...only "No Thanks" emails have come back to him.
I have had to come to face reality that I just may loose my house and car and screw over my credit. My stomach lurches at the thought of having to move in with my parents.
I wish there was more I could do. The only thing I can do is have faith...and honestly I am faltering and that scares me more than my money woes :( I want to replace my fear with faith but that is a LOT easier said than done!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Negative thoughts about how I just suck and my life is in shambles and I just can't do enough...you know the normal "mom guilt" adding "YOU SUCK!"
Today is one of those days I want to just die to get away from it all. Even climbing back in bed and pulling the covers over my head isn't enough today.
I am sad. I am angry. I am tired of always trying to help others and it not being recognized. I am tired of showing love and then being told I don't show love. I am tired of trying my hardest to do what is right only to have it slap me in the face and say, "YOU SUCK".
I want to bake, cook and finish projects all at once but I am too depressed to do any of it. I want to shower but don't want to put in the effort to go up the stairs.
I feel so desperately alone in this world and it is not a very nice world to be alone in!
Unemployment sucks. I should actually phrase that like this, "Unemployment in and of itself doesn't suck as long as you have the money to sustain yourself, i.e. a trust fund baby. Unemployment for those that were already struggling each month to survive is a whole different story. Unemployment when you find out about bills makes your heart wrench. Unemployment destroys self esteems. Unemployment changes people, makes them more negative, more cynical, more aggressive, more mean. Unemployment makes life harder to live, a struggle. Unemployment can destroy lives, marriages and families."
Yes I know all those things are choices. I know that no one has to be a jerk just cause they lost their job. I know that no one has to be negative or cynical even in the worst of circumstances. However, as time drags on in the unemployment world, it is easy to become those things. I hate that unemployment changes people I love and makes them sad, angry, depressed and all things negative. I am trying so hard to fill my life with positives only to have the negatives thrown in my face like a monkey throws feces. No I am not just talking about my husband or myself when I say all these things. Unemployment has affect the entire family.
I am sad. I am angry. I am tired of always trying to help others and it not being recognized. I am tired of showing love and then being told I don't show love. I am tired of trying my hardest to do what is right only to have it slap me in the face and say, "YOU SUCK".
I want to bake, cook and finish projects all at once but I am too depressed to do any of it. I want to shower but don't want to put in the effort to go up the stairs.
I feel so desperately alone in this world and it is not a very nice world to be alone in!
Unemployment sucks. I should actually phrase that like this, "Unemployment in and of itself doesn't suck as long as you have the money to sustain yourself, i.e. a trust fund baby. Unemployment for those that were already struggling each month to survive is a whole different story. Unemployment when you find out about bills makes your heart wrench. Unemployment destroys self esteems. Unemployment changes people, makes them more negative, more cynical, more aggressive, more mean. Unemployment makes life harder to live, a struggle. Unemployment can destroy lives, marriages and families."
Yes I know all those things are choices. I know that no one has to be a jerk just cause they lost their job. I know that no one has to be negative or cynical even in the worst of circumstances. However, as time drags on in the unemployment world, it is easy to become those things. I hate that unemployment changes people I love and makes them sad, angry, depressed and all things negative. I am trying so hard to fill my life with positives only to have the negatives thrown in my face like a monkey throws feces. No I am not just talking about my husband or myself when I say all these things. Unemployment has affect the entire family.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Bittersweet
I often love bittersweet things...for example chocolate. I LOVE bittersweet chocolate. It is the bees knees icing on my cake!
Life always has bittersweet moments. I seem to be having a lot of them lately.
Ben being home is VERY bittersweet. I LOVE having him home with me. I love that we get to be attached at the hip and my best friend goes everywhere with me. The downfall - he isn't working! Living without an income is not going to be able to last forever.
Elyse's birthday in about 3 weeks is bittersweet. We have had almost 5 wonderful, amazing years with that girl! She is smart, funny, witty, coy and loving. She gives the bestest hugs in the entire world and her kisses melt your heart. So far this all sweet. The bitter - my BABY is turning 5! I remember anticipating her and then holding her in her first few moments of life. 5 years FLEW by! It is bitter that time goes so fast.
Katy is growing up too fast as well. She has a monumental birthday this year as well. This summer she will turn 8 and be baptized. BAPTIZED people! How did I get old enough to have a baby that is baptized? How did she grow so big? I remember being her age...now I have a child that age! I love her love of life, her happiness that she so easily and readily shares. She is such an obedient, loving, gentle, caring child.
My children growing is VERY bittersweet!!!
I have been given so much sweetness in my life. A husband that I love and cherish. Children that I can't imagine life without. I have definitely been blessed with more sweet than bitter. As a wife and mom I am truly blessed!
Tonight we had another bittersweet moment. I know it is a blessing but I worry and am scared. For the last 3 years we have owned our Daewoo. It has always been a source of security to know we owned something full out. It was nice to know that someone couldn't come and take it away from us.
We have had to make some tough decisions since Ben lost his job. Today we sold the Daewoo. It will help financially. We need to keep a family vehicle and while the Daewoo TECHNICALLY would work as a family vehicle, it wasn't the practical choice. Getting rid of the Daewoo saves us money each month on insurance, it gives us cash now...it also takes away that security. It was a very bittersweet moment in which I wanted to cry and jump for joy at the same time.
I hope and pray it was the best decision all the way around! I know our Father in Heaven lead and guided our family in this direction and that gives me even more peace. I will miss our little zip around car!
Audrey...I hope you love it!
Life always has bittersweet moments. I seem to be having a lot of them lately.
Ben being home is VERY bittersweet. I LOVE having him home with me. I love that we get to be attached at the hip and my best friend goes everywhere with me. The downfall - he isn't working! Living without an income is not going to be able to last forever.
Elyse's birthday in about 3 weeks is bittersweet. We have had almost 5 wonderful, amazing years with that girl! She is smart, funny, witty, coy and loving. She gives the bestest hugs in the entire world and her kisses melt your heart. So far this all sweet. The bitter - my BABY is turning 5! I remember anticipating her and then holding her in her first few moments of life. 5 years FLEW by! It is bitter that time goes so fast.
Katy is growing up too fast as well. She has a monumental birthday this year as well. This summer she will turn 8 and be baptized. BAPTIZED people! How did I get old enough to have a baby that is baptized? How did she grow so big? I remember being her age...now I have a child that age! I love her love of life, her happiness that she so easily and readily shares. She is such an obedient, loving, gentle, caring child.
My children growing is VERY bittersweet!!!
I have been given so much sweetness in my life. A husband that I love and cherish. Children that I can't imagine life without. I have definitely been blessed with more sweet than bitter. As a wife and mom I am truly blessed!
Tonight we had another bittersweet moment. I know it is a blessing but I worry and am scared. For the last 3 years we have owned our Daewoo. It has always been a source of security to know we owned something full out. It was nice to know that someone couldn't come and take it away from us.
We have had to make some tough decisions since Ben lost his job. Today we sold the Daewoo. It will help financially. We need to keep a family vehicle and while the Daewoo TECHNICALLY would work as a family vehicle, it wasn't the practical choice. Getting rid of the Daewoo saves us money each month on insurance, it gives us cash now...it also takes away that security. It was a very bittersweet moment in which I wanted to cry and jump for joy at the same time.
I hope and pray it was the best decision all the way around! I know our Father in Heaven lead and guided our family in this direction and that gives me even more peace. I will miss our little zip around car!
Audrey...I hope you love it!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Kicked from the club
In different professions there are different "clubs". In almost all of those professions there is a "spouse club". The club that is the common ground for all the spouses that went through the ordeal of getting that profession, even though they weren't the ones training or getting the education.
Doctors wives (and husbands) have a bond because they went through med school. They lived the life and have a similar story. Same goes for Law school.
In the flight world, pilot wives stick together. They understand each other and the hardships the career can be on the family and marriage. Having the spouse gone all the time, missing important events, having to worry if they will be in the state when a baby is born, etc.
In the ATC world there was also a wives club. The club that I was a part of. I made friends that I cherished and was grateful to have. We had a common link...a job that our husband's had. A stressful job that required a lot.
When Ben lost his job, I lost my club. I don't think any of the friends I made through the process tried to shun me, it just happened.
Ben lost his club too. Friends that he spent a year with, struggling through classes with.
This loss has really been one of the hardest.
Loosing a job SUCKS. The loss of friendship because you lost the job that brought the friendship, that just hurts on a whole new level.
I don't get why Ben can't be friends with the guys that came to our house, ate dinner with us, played games with us. At the same time I DO know why. We had one guy over, just long enough to drop off stuff and you could TOTALLY see how uncomfortable he now was to be in our home. I wish it weren't so, it weren't true. The truth is: it is the way it is.
I am friends on Facebook with many people from Oklahoma and our time with the FAA. I am wanting to delete them but it makes me so sad to think about deleting them. There is NO reason I should be friends with some of them yet erasing them from Facebook makes it real, make that chapter really close. Some of these people I am not close friends with at all. Why am I holding on to them as facebook friends? It is torture to keep and feels like it will kill me to delete them.
I honestly think some would be relieved to not have me be a friend. They wouldn't have to see the "this could have been you" reminder. It is easier to have me not in the club at all but they feel the same way and don't want to be the ones that do the booting. I am the person in the room that no one wants there, including myself, but no one has the courage to say, "You really don't belong here anymore".
I don't want that chapter to close! I don't want to close the door on the friendship even though I know it is for the best. A friendship is no longer there, the club doors have been slammed in my face.
Even though I lived those events and went through hard times and similar experiences with those people, they no longer have an obligation to be my friend due to work. I still want to be their friends and I would hope they still want to be mine but I don't know. I do know that the awkwardness is dragging and painful.
I joined the club and now I have to leave. It hurts!!!
Doctors wives (and husbands) have a bond because they went through med school. They lived the life and have a similar story. Same goes for Law school.
In the flight world, pilot wives stick together. They understand each other and the hardships the career can be on the family and marriage. Having the spouse gone all the time, missing important events, having to worry if they will be in the state when a baby is born, etc.
In the ATC world there was also a wives club. The club that I was a part of. I made friends that I cherished and was grateful to have. We had a common link...a job that our husband's had. A stressful job that required a lot.
When Ben lost his job, I lost my club. I don't think any of the friends I made through the process tried to shun me, it just happened.
Ben lost his club too. Friends that he spent a year with, struggling through classes with.
This loss has really been one of the hardest.
Loosing a job SUCKS. The loss of friendship because you lost the job that brought the friendship, that just hurts on a whole new level.
I don't get why Ben can't be friends with the guys that came to our house, ate dinner with us, played games with us. At the same time I DO know why. We had one guy over, just long enough to drop off stuff and you could TOTALLY see how uncomfortable he now was to be in our home. I wish it weren't so, it weren't true. The truth is: it is the way it is.
I am friends on Facebook with many people from Oklahoma and our time with the FAA. I am wanting to delete them but it makes me so sad to think about deleting them. There is NO reason I should be friends with some of them yet erasing them from Facebook makes it real, make that chapter really close. Some of these people I am not close friends with at all. Why am I holding on to them as facebook friends? It is torture to keep and feels like it will kill me to delete them.
I honestly think some would be relieved to not have me be a friend. They wouldn't have to see the "this could have been you" reminder. It is easier to have me not in the club at all but they feel the same way and don't want to be the ones that do the booting. I am the person in the room that no one wants there, including myself, but no one has the courage to say, "You really don't belong here anymore".
I don't want that chapter to close! I don't want to close the door on the friendship even though I know it is for the best. A friendship is no longer there, the club doors have been slammed in my face.
Even though I lived those events and went through hard times and similar experiences with those people, they no longer have an obligation to be my friend due to work. I still want to be their friends and I would hope they still want to be mine but I don't know. I do know that the awkwardness is dragging and painful.
I joined the club and now I have to leave. It hurts!!!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Been a while
Tonight I did something I haven't done in a LONG LONG time.
I applied for a job!
I was scared, nervous and wanted my husband to sit by my side and hold my hand while I filled out the application. How pathetic is that?!?! To reassure you, he didn't and wouldn't. He was fine with me applying and we would both be a bit relieved if I got the job; HOWEVER, he knew I needed to do it. He was helpful, supportive, kind and listened to all my "does this sound ok" blurbs.
Please pray for and with me on this job! We could really use it and this could really help us out a TON! It is a good job in that after training is over, I can work from home. I love that because when Ben gets a job, I could keep this for a while to help supplement or even better to help us get back on top of it all.
I am nervous. I am scared. I think I would like and enjoy this job. I KNOW I would like and enjoy the perks.
I love being a Stay at Home Mom and giving up that title would be hard. In the same sentence I also want to add that I don't feel like I would have to completely give up that title because even though I would be employed, I would be home. I would only be working part time and honestly, I could fold laundry and such while helping customers on the phone.
I worry if I were to get the job what I would have to give up. Would carpool still work? Would my kids get neglected? Would I have to work Sundays and loose my calling? These are all thoughts and concerns.
My other thoughts and concerns... We only have 8 weeks of unemployment left, we might get the emergency, we might now. We need to have some income to help cover expenses. Ben is working on getting a job but getting $12/hour job will not maintain this household. I want to pay my bills, I want to have some financial security.
My biggest fear of all is: am I following the Lord's plan for me and my family here or am I taking this all into my own hands and trying to make it work? This has been a HUGE one for me to contemplate, think about and stew over. In apply for this job that was the number 1 concern I had. I have decided that I am going to take all the opportunities put in front of me and do what I can with them.
This job opening was only open for 6 hours today. My application had to be turned in by 10 pm tonight. I decided to go for it. I am now putting the rest in the Lord's hands. If I am meant to leave my current position of Stay at Home Mom and enter the world of Customer Service, I pray the application will go through and the job be offered to me. If I am supposed to stay where I am and not get a job, I pray the application will be overlooked.
Please pray for the same with me! Pray that the Lord's will be done and I can accept that, whatever it may be!
I applied for a job!
I was scared, nervous and wanted my husband to sit by my side and hold my hand while I filled out the application. How pathetic is that?!?! To reassure you, he didn't and wouldn't. He was fine with me applying and we would both be a bit relieved if I got the job; HOWEVER, he knew I needed to do it. He was helpful, supportive, kind and listened to all my "does this sound ok" blurbs.
Please pray for and with me on this job! We could really use it and this could really help us out a TON! It is a good job in that after training is over, I can work from home. I love that because when Ben gets a job, I could keep this for a while to help supplement or even better to help us get back on top of it all.
I am nervous. I am scared. I think I would like and enjoy this job. I KNOW I would like and enjoy the perks.
I love being a Stay at Home Mom and giving up that title would be hard. In the same sentence I also want to add that I don't feel like I would have to completely give up that title because even though I would be employed, I would be home. I would only be working part time and honestly, I could fold laundry and such while helping customers on the phone.
I worry if I were to get the job what I would have to give up. Would carpool still work? Would my kids get neglected? Would I have to work Sundays and loose my calling? These are all thoughts and concerns.
My other thoughts and concerns... We only have 8 weeks of unemployment left, we might get the emergency, we might now. We need to have some income to help cover expenses. Ben is working on getting a job but getting $12/hour job will not maintain this household. I want to pay my bills, I want to have some financial security.
My biggest fear of all is: am I following the Lord's plan for me and my family here or am I taking this all into my own hands and trying to make it work? This has been a HUGE one for me to contemplate, think about and stew over. In apply for this job that was the number 1 concern I had. I have decided that I am going to take all the opportunities put in front of me and do what I can with them.
This job opening was only open for 6 hours today. My application had to be turned in by 10 pm tonight. I decided to go for it. I am now putting the rest in the Lord's hands. If I am meant to leave my current position of Stay at Home Mom and enter the world of Customer Service, I pray the application will go through and the job be offered to me. If I am supposed to stay where I am and not get a job, I pray the application will be overlooked.
Please pray for the same with me! Pray that the Lord's will be done and I can accept that, whatever it may be!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)