Saturday, December 15, 2012

Promotions and life marching on...

I have been so busy that something had to give...and unfortunately it has been this blog.

Man sooooo much has happened over this last few months it is hard to put it all down.

First - I got the promotion at work (Lead in my department) and I am not a full time working mom :(  Man that is hard to type.  It is easier to live than I thought in some ways and much harder in others.  I am truly blessed to work for the company I do and that I have some flexibility.   I do love my new position and that is a HUGE bonus to having to go to work full time.

I have been reminded over and over and OVER again that our Father in Heaven is keenly aware of where we are at in life.  If we ask and pray for a miracle, he will provide!  My new position requires Saturday and Sunday work.  Those are the only 2 days I get with my family.  It has been really, really hard coming to terms with missing church EVERY SINGLE week for the unforseeable future.

Last week, I knelt in humble prayer and begged my Father in Heaven for a miracle.  A way that I could attend church on Sunday, have a day with my family and still be able to work my job and help provide for our temporal needs.  Within the week, everything at work changed and my work schedule went from working Wed-Sun to being 4 10's and working Mon, Tues, Fri, Sat from 0700-1730.  This is only temporary for a few weeks however when it happened I distinctly remember thinking, "This is your miracle and more will come.  You are being heard."  My kids are off track during this time.  This makes it that I am able to spend more days with them while also able to spend time with my family on Sundays and go to church.  My prayers have been heard.

Christmas has hit full force and Ben and I are busy making beds for American Girl Dolls for Christmas.  I am not sure I knew what I was undertaking when I started this!!  I am super excited for these cute beds and it will be so fun Christmas morning watching the girls open up their presents from us.

Katy and Lyse are doing really well.  Lyse has struggled a bit more than Katy with my full time work status.  My heart hurts that more of her life she will know me working and working full time than she won't recall it.  That is hard.  Katy has been great about taking on the responsibilities needed and I am so impressed with the amazing girls I have been blessed to raise.

There have been sooo many times I have thought, "I need to write this down" and then I just haven't done it and I feel horrid to have lost so much of our history the last few months.

At the beginning of November, Grandma Great Hawker was diagnosed with Breast cancer.  That was a shock wave through the family.  We were able to go up and visit Grandpa and Grandma on Grandpa's birthday.  I am so grateful we got that time with them.  I love them more than I ever really express.

The first large snow fall in November happened to be the day we drove up to Idaho.  We just did a day trip up so the Saturday after we were home.  That day we spent the day working hard...PLAYING.  Seriously, the entire day we played.  We made HUGE snowmen, build snow forts and had a snowball fight with them.  We went sledding and had hot chocolate.  You name the winter adventure and we tried to do it that day!  It was so much fun to just spend the entire day playing with our kids.  I am so grateful we did it.  The next day I could barely move!  Who knew that playing in the snow would make you so sore!!!  I will try to get Ben to post the snowman pictures up here soon.  It was amazing and I am so grateful we spent the day just playing with our kids (we don't do that often enough).

Shay announced she is pregnant and I am excited to have a new niece/nephew this next summer.  I love babies.  I hope we get 1 more some day!

Ben's job had a scary bit with lots of lay offs the same day I started my new position.  Once again, our Father in Heaven watching out for us.  He was spared but I am hoping in the next bit he is able to get a better paying and more stable job.  It feels like it is time.

We have had many fun and many tragic things happen in the world around us lately.  I am grateful for my Savior and that we have temples for eternal families.  I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that truly is a God of miracles and provides them for my family daily. 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


Where have I been?

Well torn between so many locations and not knowing where to go or how to get there would be the best answer to that!

I am overwhelmed, underwhelmed and in between. 

I LOVE my new position at work.  Oh how I wish I could do it part time.  Tis not the case.  It is a full time or not at all situation and that is a HARD pill to swallow.

My true love in life is being a mom, a homemaker, a wife. No the order in that is not the order of which is most important to me.  I love being a wife and being there for my husband.  That is not something I am often able to do lately with working full time.  We finish dinner and I sit on the couch and I am sound asleep before I can even count to 10.

I miss the days of being home, planning dinner, making bread, cleaning house.

I miss the days of going on a field trip was the biggest plan for the day.

Today I was able to go on a field trip.  My dad also had major heart surgery.  I took off work and I have felt torn all day.

I wish I could just be a career woman at times.  Alas, that is not where my heart is.  I am being forced to be one due to our circumstances and I often want to sit and cry.  I think of my babies, my husband, my time.  I don't have energy to do more than work.  My house while it is clean it is not spotless like I want/like.

I can't afford a maid.  I can now say we barely survive each week.  Survival financially is the reason for this situation.

No.  I am not living an extravagant life.  I am talking basics of food, house, utilities, car and gas.  We now have the money to pay all those.

It takes a lot of money to run a family.  More than I would have ever imagined. 

My heart yearns for the simpler days of being just a "part time working mom".  How sad is that?!?  I think I remember typing that about being a part time working mom and wishing for the "stay at home mom" stage again.  Oh and I have put on like 10 lbs....soooo annoyed.  I don't have the time or energy to do much about it and that makes me even more frustrated and mad.

I have so much to be grateful for.  I hope and pray that our Father in Heaven will lead and guide me to where we need to be.  Help me find joy in what I do have, comfort from the pain of loss.

So here is to picking myself back up, brushing off the dirt from feeling knocked over, trampled on and kicked to the ground again.  I will move forward.  I will be a successful mom.  I will still make it work.  I will still have a forever family....because in the end that is all this life is about!  I just hope my children see my sacrifice and understand why.  I do this because I love their dad and them and it is what our family needs.  I hope they can see it.  I hope they don't begrudge it.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Disguised Blessings

Last Monday, a Temp position in my department as a Lead came through.  I felt a very strong urge to apply.  I worried about having to go full time and many other things but I felt like I needed to act on it.  I called Ben and we chatted about it.  I wrote the letter, sent it to Ben to read and then sent the letter in.

Wednesday afternoon I IMed my Supervisor verifying she had gotten the email.  She told me they would be interviewing on Friday.  I told her I could not do Friday but could do Thursday.  Thursday morning came and I drove my hubby up to work the Ice Skating show we were working that weekend.  I was not supposed to work on Thursday but when I got there I was asked to come back later.  I had the day off work because my mom had fallen down the stairs and needed some help with my nephew.  Anyway, things changed and I ended up not needing to help my mom and so I agreed to go work the show on Thursday.

Thursday at about noon I got a call from my supervisor asking me to come in at 1:30 for an interview.  I was supposed to be at the show by 2:00 and the office and the show were only minutes apart so it all worked perfectly.

I went to the interview and then went to the show.  They told me they would let me know on Friday.  Friday night I got an email stating they needed 1 more day and they would contact us on Saturday.  Saturday night I got a call asking me to be the new Temp Lead for The Queues Crew.

I was sooo scared of the what, when, where, why and how but KNEW it was right.  I said yes and then they asked me to start Monday morning at 0700.  Crazy!

Now a little back story.  Thursday is our "payday" even though officially it is a Friday payday.  Thursday night Ben's check was not direct deposited into our account.  Friday night when we got home from the show at about 11:30 pm I checked the account and still no paycheck.  Ben texted his boss and was informed Direct Deposit did not go out that week and paper checks would be issued.  Ben could get his check Monday morning. STRESS!!!  Seriously...lots and lots of stress.

Monday morning Ben went into work.  He went to the office to get his check and was called in by HR manager.  He was informed he would have a BUSY day because 25% of the company was being layed off.  Ben's department of 1 paid off because he would be saved from lay off but many changes would come (such as no overtime which has been the 1 thing making it that we "made it" each month).

Monday morning I started my new temp position at Jetblue.  I am working 16 hours more per week.  Just what we need to make up for Ben's no overtime.


I think not!!

I KNOW that this situation has been a HUGE blessing from the Lord.  Even though going full time and working from the center had me stressed on how it would work, in the end it worked out BETTER for us.  We would not make it had it not been for this little bump and nudge.

I am so grateful for the promptings from the Spirit from our loving Heavenly Father.  He KNOWS us.  He knows our needs.  He cares about us and He wants us to succeed in life!  Our lives have been richly blessed by that small prompting!

Monday morning was

Monday, September 17, 2012

Update...cause it has been a while!

It's been a while since I have done an here goes!

On July 25, the kids started back to school.  They were very very excited!  Katy has Mrs. Wendling and loves her.  Lyse has Ms. Beauticofer and loves her.  They both seem to be really enjoying this new school year.  Starting back to school in the middle of summer was a new adjustment but one I was grateful for.  It was getting really hard juggling work and the kids!!

On Aug 23 we hopped on an airplane and went to Cali for a couple days.  We left Thursday afternoon and Ben, Jana, Dave, Brookie and Dustin flew back Saturday afternoon.  Katy, Lyse and I flew back on Saturday night flight and mom and dad flew home Sunday morning!

It was fun.  We spent a lot of time at La Jolla Beach (which is amazing) and we had a blast the ENTIRE time!

On Saturday we went to the San Diego Temple so that I could get another pair of garments (packed double for Ben...ooops).  Lyse came with my parents, Ben and I.  She LOVED it.  She spent a ton of time taking pictures and commenting on how gorgeous it was.  I didn't realize it until then, but in all the times we had driven down to San Diego, we hadn't actually stopped at the temple!  We always point it out on the way past on the freeway but man on the temple grounds it is even more amazing!

We have stayed busy with little things here and there.  Katy started back to Orchestra on the viola.  She is really excited.

I put together a work party and went off pretty smashing I must say!  I was excited to see how well it went!

Bart and Debbie are getting rid of their Vinyl fencing and going with trex fencing, which means they are giving their vinyl fence to us!  It's not terribly long but it is long enough to cover 1 side of the house separating the front and back!  YAY!  We will most likely be putting that together in a couple weeks.

Let's see what else.  Lyse's favorite friend right now is Stella.  Our FAVORITE neighbors that have 3 little girls my girls are always playing with are going to be moving.  She is getting re-married and he has custody of his 2 kids and well their 1890 sq ft home only has 4 bedrooms and they will need 6 :(  I am soooo sad to see them go and I really really wish they could stay but at the same time I understand and will miss them terribly!

My church callings are going well and I am really happy with them.

Ben's job is going excellent.  I am really considering taking a promotion offered to me at work.  It would mean more money per hour but it would also mean full time and I wouldn't work 100% from home.  We are going to have to really pray hard about it!

That is life in a nutshell I think!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Messiness Ghost Hauntings

I have been working extra hard in our house the last few weeks to stay on top of and go a little further in keeping it spotless.

Does it stay that way?


In all reality though, I have actually enjoyed the routine.  It has helped to make me not feel trapped with not having a 2nd vehicle and Ben having no choice but to have a car every day at work.

I do feel lonely though.  I wish I could just go to lunch with friends and have the money, time and transportation to get there.

As I clean I think, "maybe this will make it that people can come over and see my house so clean" and when I think that I think at the same time, "oh no but I still have..."

It has become an obsession.  I don't want it to be but I just keep thinking of the next thing.

Our craft room (aka the green room) and the toy room in the basement have haunted me for months now.  They kept getting dirtier and more unorganized.  I knew they needed time but it was so easy to be like, "Oh they are in the basement" and since we have no huge real reason to go down there, I didn't.  Yet it haunted me.  The clutter.  The mess.  The fact that I would be mortified with a neighbor, my mother-in-law or even one of my parents were to go down there.  I didn't really like the neighbor kids even going down there cause it was MESSY!

That is when I changed.  I decided I could not and would not keep doing this.  I decided by the end of the Saturday night, the green room would be CLEAN.  SPOTLESS.

By the end of Saturday night, it was.  However I missed out on so much more.  I was too busy for breakfast with the family cause I only had a little bit until I needed to be at work.  I then worked and wasn't with the family.  I got off work and set back to work on that room and Ben had to beg, plead and guilt me into sitting with him outside for dinner.   The entire dinner my mind wouldn't stop reeling over what was left to finish that green room and get the house back to where it should be.  That 1 room had managed to mess up several others.

I did get it all done (and got to bed around 1230 am).  The thing is:  I missed out! I already had to work most of Saturday.  Then I spent the rest of the time stressing getting stuff done.

It's a double edged sword.  Not being able to go anywhere has really helped me get a LOT done in the house.  It has also lead to me not wanting to stop cause there is always so much to do.  My house is rather clean but to keep it this spotless all the time requires constant work and cleaning.  While that is great while the kids and Ben are gone, I can't let this be all we do when they are home!

How do I curtail this perfectionist desire?  How do I create a clean home (and work for me) environment without killing myself and always be thinking "oh I need to".  How do I shut my brain off and say, "It's ok to be done for the day!"?  Yes it will be here tomorrow but so will other things.  I just don't have enough time.

I think what was cabin fever has now turned to "clean it fever".  I just wish I could curtail it some.  I hate not being able to get anything done outside the house (i.e. running errands) until Ben gets home so it makes it that lots inside the house does get done!  I now know why houses in the 50's were always spotless...the mom's didn't have cars to run here and there so they had lots and lots of time in the house.  If you are spending 22-24 hours of your time 100% at definitely get it more clean!

I keep thinking, "Once I finish this, I can make it that I am not cleaning 24/7".  The problem is, once I finish that item, I think of 2 or 3 more to add to the list! 

For now though, I have some dishes to wash, some dinner to make and a floor to get mopped nice and shiny!

Friday, August 31, 2012

4 in the bed...

So last night, Katy came and joined us in bed.  About a 1/2 hour later Lyse joined us.  When the cat came and joined us...that was when I got Ben's phone and took a picture cause seriously, I don't think a Queen Size Bed was made for 4 people and an animal!

P.S. I took the eyes are closed cause of the flash!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Bittersweet Pictures

Our Terrabyte External Hard drive is Full!  Yes FULL of 8 years of photos and other important docs.  A lot of the photos got saves in 2 locations on the hard drive so we have been going through and deleted dupes and unimportant stuff.  WOW it has been a walk down memory lane and man alive my kids have grown up :(

Here are a few of my favorites I have found so far (there are soooo many I have only went through a couple folders...these pictures range from May 2007 to July 2010):

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Katybug is double digits!

My little girl isn't so little anymore.  I was bad this year and didn't get this post up around her birthday but on the 27th of July she turned 10!

She is in the DOUBLE DIGITS now!!  How did this happen?!?!

I can hardly believe my little baby that I held in my arms got old so fast.  She made me a mom 10 years ago and changed mine and Ben's world forever.  We are so grateful and blessed to have this sweet spirit in our home.

Katy is a lover of all persons.  She is kind.  She is smart.  She tries to please all and treat everyone with respect.  Katy loves to be with friends.  Katy loves her family.  Katy has the most tender heart of any child I know, especially when it comes to others feelings.

Katy is always searching to do what is right and she has great instincts.

Katy is amazing on riding her ripstik!  Seriously, that girl ROCKS it!

This year for her birthday, her grandparents and us all went together and she got an American Girl Doll.  It's her first one and she has wanted one for years.  She is thrilled and LOVES it lots and lots!

The Thursday before her birthday, we did a birthday dinner at our house with my family.  We invited neighbors over for cake and ice cream and fireworks.  It was a ton of fun!  The finale firework somehow tipped over and well...we ended up with fireworks shooting out at us...EEEK!  Luckily, everyone was safe! 

Friday morning (her birthday) Ben left for Vegas so we did a breakfast as family and then Ben headed out to shoot video in Vegas.  After school the girls and I played for a bit and then we went to dinner with my parents and over to Bart and Debbie's house for a bit.  The following Monday when Ben was back, we did a birthday party.  It was super fun and Ethney and the kids were back so Katy got to spend lots of time with all her cousins. 

Katy's American Girl doll didn't come in time for her birthday.  It actually came 1 week after it.  The day it came we planned a hiking trip and we went geo caching...boy was Katy surprised when it was her American Girl Doll she found as a geo cache!

Katy got a full week of celebrating her birthday and it was super fun!  I will have Ben upload pictures tonight so I can post pictures of the party for our big girl!  She is growing into a beautiful young woman...inside and out!

We love you Katy!!

Monday, August 6, 2012


What do you do for it?

I need some answers cause I loose LOTS of sleep the night before I start work at 0700 or if I know I have a long work day for a couple days...I don't sleep.

Any advise?

Poor Ben will say, "Come to bed!" and honestly I want to but I am just wound too tight.

I would like to find some natural ways to help.  I took a walk tonight and it didn't change my wound up situation...maybe a harder workout or yoga or something like that is needed.

Who knows!!

Friday, August 3, 2012

101 Things To Be Happy About

I have been a Debbie Downer BIG time lately.  I have allowed life to get to me.  I have allowed my hormonal changes to change my outlook on life to negative.

Last night I told Ben I wanted that to change and the only way for that to happen was for me to change!  I am going to find things to be happy about and push aside the negative thoughts, feeling, emotions and outlooks in my life.

This is my new start.  I am going to look for 1 thing every day and if it is a bad day, every hour of the day I am awake that makes me happy, that is good, that is wholesome, that is uplifting...1 thing that brings positive.

Today so far I have had a good day but I still have been looking on the bright side.

My first thought was the laundry.  UGH.  It is on the floor sorted and now I must put it away.  Lyse's closet rod is broken so putting clothes away in her room is a pain cause they just fall on the floor, etc. etc.

That was how I started thinking then I changed it.

I know am saying, "wow Ben helped sort and start the laundry last night.  I only need to change laundry from washer to dryer 3 more times and all our laundry for the week is completely washed!  Not bad!  Tonight, we are going to do some organizing and fixing (hopefully) and we should have Lyse's closet fixed.

I had to change my outlook.  I am excited to have fresh laundry done and hopefully I can get it all put away (should be able to).

I know money plays a HUGE roll into outlook on life.  Right now we are lucky cause Ben was able to drop dental and vision at his work and I have it at mine so we are saving about $50 month with that and then of course Ben and I working Sun Valley and then Ben in Vegas helped give us the boost we have needed for a couple months.  I have a stronger and more sound outlook on life when we have a little cushion and when we have a little extra.  I am still having to budget everything and really watch every dime spent cause honestly, we still have a super tight budget but right now I am looking at it and saying, "wow we have moved forward a lot and things are getting better...much, much better"

I have had so many miracles this week.  The one day as I was stressing money and so much going on I felt like I was going to drowned in it all.  Car broken, money gone, bills everywhere was my outlook.  I knelt and prayed and said..."I need a miracle!"  The miracle came and when it came and it hit me, I was truly humbled cause I KNOW the Lord was the one that sent that miracle.  It came via others listening to the Spirit.  It was a bigger miracle than they could ever know.  As I was driving in the car and the miracle appeared and I thought about it, I was flooded with gratitude.

Miracles do exist!  Sometimes it is as simple as asking.  Other times it is as hard and wading through the trial and being patient and waiting...but when we ask they do come!  Miracles are not always the big huge paycheck coming in.  Miracles are sometimes the amazing sale at the store at the same time there are coupons all the while it is items you really needed in your home!  I have experienced all the above.  I am grateful for a Father in Heaven that sends me the miracles I need right at the time it is most needed.  I am grateful for the people that are my "little miracles".

My goal in life right now is to start the new stage and step...the 101 Things To Be Happy About.  There is always darkness and gloom and sometimes you feel it overpower you.  I don't want that anymore.  If I need hormone replacement drugs to help with that...I guess I might have to do that.  Before I take that step though, I am going to work on the simple things.  Finding my miracles.  Praying for help.  Reading my scriptures.  HELPING those around me. 

Life is too short to wish you were in bed cause you just don't want to live.  My kids will be off to college in 8 years for Katy and 11 for Elyse.  I only have those years to make them the best, happiest years for them possible so that when they are at college they WANT to come home and see their mom and dad!  I need to do this so that Ben and I can have a happy home.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Endless Possibilities

Jetblue was having a 25% off TrueBlue Points bookings. On a whim, I checked to see what we had for points. 


Points to get to NY 7500 per person one way.

I booked it!  Ben and I are going POSITIVE space to NY for our anniversary in November.  We will have to fly home standby...but I am cool with that! :)

I am sooooo freaking excited! 

In my mind we are going to:

Fly to Boston - cause I have never been to Boston in the Fall :)

Go to Niagra Falls and go over to the Canadian side to see the falls (cause I hear they are prettiest over there).

Go to Palmyra and Sacred Grove and spend some real time there.

Go to Maine and drive the coast to see at least 21 light houses.

Go to Washington DC and see all the museums we have missed in the past.

Go to Gettysburg again.

Go on a cruise out of FLL.

Go see Vermont in it's fall foliage glory!

Warm my body and feet in the white beach sands of Aruba.

Snorkel in the aqua waters of Barbados!

Enjoy the Dutch life on the island of St. Marteen!

Explore the jungles of Columbia!

Spend the day in NYC, go to the Statue of Liberty.  Go to Central Park.  See the city (a whole different jungle)!

Maybe we spend a little money to go on Aer Lingus and get ourselves a little Irish accent or travel Lufthansa Air and see Germany or my dream visit Rome and Italy!

Ok in reality I KNOW we can't do all this.  The possibilities just seem limitless since I know we will be getting out of SLC into NY and from there we can fly standby to any other city we desire to visit.  I know I can actually PLAN something somewhere cause I know we will be in NYC on Nov 1.  Since NYC is the main hub the locations we can go to are endless!  Add in the other airlines that we get standby discounts on and the thoughts of spending a couple days in Europe gets my head bobbing.

Now to decide what we really want to do and where we want to go!  Do we want fall weather and cozy fire romantic or do we want tropical destination with beach romantic?  Do we go for adventure and try out Rome or Germany or Ireland?  Hmmm...decisions, decisions!

Now I gotta work more hours each week for the next few months so I can save up the $$$ for what is bound to be an AMAZING anniversary getaway!!!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Living vs. Surviving

I feel so alone.

Ben was out of town working this last weekend.

Every time I called my sister, she never answered.  Katy had plans to do stuff with her but I never got in touch with her, she never really called back :(

My other friends I texted to get together and hang never responded.

I felt so alone all weekend.  I hate that feeling.  Each time I felt it I thought, "you have your girls and you always have prayer" but I PHYSICALLY needed another adult.  That was hard.

I feel like a crap mom.  I wish I could get out of this horrid funk I am in!  I have NO energy and I right now I just have the mentality of please let me make it through the's not living, it's surviving.

Life is hard, I know.  Life is also a journey.  A journey I am missing out on daily cause honestly each day I am just wanting and waiting for the day to just be over so I can go back to bed.  That is no way to live life!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Noses are wonderful things!

I had to write this down cause it was so cute!

Yesterday, Katy, Lyse and myself were at Jana's house for a bit.  Lyse came running to me and said, "Mom, come here you gotta come here!"

I followed her outside to the front yard and we were standing on the stairs and she said, "Mom smell that?  It smells like rain!"

I took a big whiff of the air and she was did smell like rain!  How did she get so smart to know the smell of rain?

And true to her nose...the rain started to fall about 10 minutes later!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Why so tired?

So what has been going on in our lives?  Well...we will start on the 4th of July.

The 4th of July we had breakfast with Ben parents and sister and her kids.  We then went and hiked the Lake Blanche trail.  We didn't finish the trail cause Dustin was struggling with breathing and being light headed (almost made it to the lake when we turned around cause he wasn't doing well).  We hiked about 5 1/2-6 miles round trip.  We then went back to Ben's parents to a BBQ with all his family.

The 5th of July we got up and went to the zoo with my mom.  It was super fun.  There was Brookie, Dustin, Katy, Lyse, Keira and Ryker.  Tayler came and met us with her brothers and friend.  It was a lot of fun and we LOVED seeing the Polar Bear.  We got home from the zoo, I went straight to work and then when I got off work we went out to celebrate my dad's 61st birthday.

The 6th of July was my dad's birthday.  The girls and I got up super early and flew with my parents out to Long Beach for a couple hours.  It was SUPER fun.  We went out to Huntington Beach and we ate at Ruby's Diner on the pier.  We got to watch surfers and even a pod of dolphins swam by!  It really was fun!  The girls and I flew home on the afternoon flight and were home when Ben got home from work.  That night we went to movie in the park (even though I was exhausted) and we played Cataan with the missionaries at Jana's house for a bit.

The 7th of July we got up and headed up to Idaho for Ben's Grandpa Myler's 80th birthday.  It was fun going to the ranch and seeing all his family.  I LOVE his grandparents so much and am so blessed that I have gotten to call them family and have them as my grandparents for the last 11 years!  They are wonderful.  After a shotgun shoot off at the ranch we headed to Blackfoot to see Grandpa and Grandma Hawker.  Once again - LOVE them and so super blessed to have them as my grandparents.  I adore Grandpa Hawker.  I always feel so much love from him!  Grandma told us about the park and all the fun festivities going on so we took the kids to the Blackfoot founder day celebration (or something like that).  They loved the ping pong ball drop (the pilot of an airplane flew over and dropped a bunch of ping pong balls out for kids and adults to get).  It was a lot of fun and it was fun to spend some time with Ben's cousin, aunt and uncle for a few.  We then headed home.  We got Spencer and Isaac in our car and it was a blast.  Seriously so fun playing games, laughing, singing and getting truckers to honk at us!

Sunday we got up and went to church.  I wasn't feeling "it" and was struggling to be there.  Then a huge blessing walked in the door...Jana and her kids came and sat by us.  LOVED it!  Seriously it was what I needed to make it through the day!  After church Jana came to the house and we fixed dinner, played games and just hung out.  At around 8 we drove to Ben's parents and picked up Spencer, Isaac and Eric to have a sleep over.  The kids did a fashion show for us and it was fun to see the cousins play.

Monday morning we got up and made breakfast.  Once the kids had eaten they built forts in the living room and then after cleaning it all up we went to Seven Peaks water park.  It was a bit of a time to get there between having to get cash from Ben at his work and having to drive back home cause I had left the pump on the air conditioner but forgot to turn on the cooler.  We then got stuck in traffic on the freeway (an accident or something had it all backed up).  We got to the park and enjoyed a good 2 hours and then we had to head home.  I took Dustin, Brookie, Katy and Elyse to Jana at her house, came home and showered and headed with Ben to pick up my free organ!  YAY for facebook and friends moving and no longer wanting their organ!  I am excited to get to practice it some more!  I left straight from there to a work meeting.  The work meeting was fun and I do enjoy time with my co-workers.  I got home about 10:40 that night.

I need to add...Monday morning something possessed me (I don't know what) to go get my baby clothes and start going through and getting rid.  I pulled all 11 bins into the house.  While the kids were running around making forts and destroying the house, I was busy destroying it while sorting clothes.  Oy Vey!  Seriously...wowza!  I went through all the clothes, sorted out my favorites and then put the rest in piles to give away.  I have given away almost all the clothes now!  YAY!  I have 2 garbage sacks left to give and we are done.  The crazy thing is I still have 3 bins of baby clothes in my garage.  Just could not part with my favorites!  But least we are 8 bins down!

So Monday night after the work meeting my co-worker came and got some clothes.  I got home and in bed around midnight after getting her home and going and getting Katy from Jana's (she didn't want to sleep over).

Tuesday I was TIRED and I couldn't figure out why!  LOL  We hung around the house.  I cleaned out the baby clothes more and got them put back in bins.  That night Jana came over with the kids and we hung out for a couple hours.  We were going to watch a movie but it was late so we decided to get together on Wed.  Ben had a BAD day at work on Tuesday with his microsoft certification test so I was glad to go to bed on Tuesday hoping for a better day Wednesday.

Wednesday I had the day off work and I had plans to do this and that all day but honestly I mainly just bummed around the house.  I was TIRED still.  My lack of sleep and running all over the country had caught up with me.  We did a couple things and then I had a dental appt ( gums and tooth still hurt!) and then Jana and the kids came over for dinner.  Katy and Dustin went for a run and didn't come back when they were supposed to so there was a frantic search around the neighborhood for them...I was the last to get home and Ben had left a 2nd time to go look for me.  He was less than thrilled.  During this whole fiasco...our oven died!  We are now down a microwave, dishwasher and oven.  Our kitchen isn't exactly a working kitchen!

Wednesday night we went to bed and I was grateful to just have the day over.  It was long and hard.

Thursday I had to work for a bit and I was in tons and tons of pain from that "little" dental procedure.  OUCH!  We kept it low key and I took the kids to Grandmas to play while I worked in the afternoon.  As I was at my mom's house picking up the kids after work my mom said, "you need to write down what you have done for the last week so one day you can look back and say....yup I was just as busy then!"

Today - well this morning I got up, took Bart and Debbie's bounce house to a neighborhood carnival and when I got home I thought of my mom's advise.  So here I am writing my craziness of the last week before I have to go and sign into work.

I really am grateful I got to play so much with my kids this last week.  I am grateful for our pass of all passes.  I am grateful for my job and that I work with WONDERFUL people and that I get to fly to places like California for free!

I really wish my kitchen appliances would stop dying.  I wish it would rain more (most days have been over 100 this last week) and that gas wasn't so expensive.

Overall...I think I need a week of sleep to catch up with my crazy busy week of traveling, organizing and chaos; however, in thick and thin I am blessed to have a wonderful house in a wonderful neighborhood with amazing neighbors and that I have family to experience my life with! :)

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I don't know but I know someone that does!

I am just not sure how it all will and does work out.

Today things happened and I wonder "why"?  Why when you have been kicked and prodded are you thrown more crap?  Why not just a break?  Are we meant for something different?

Then other days things work out that you wish wouldn't and you think, "Ok this was not the things I wanted!"

Creating and keeping happiness through it all is the key.  At times I fail, miserably.  At times I fail, slightly.  At times I succeed.  Other times I am a complete success.  The difference in them all...I honestly don't know.  I always try to have the good but sometimes after a long time of dealing with something it is just easier to complain.  Complaining is the #1 way to fail, yet I still do it.  (Oh and honestly my mood is GREATLY contributed to by A:  my time of the month cycle B: How well my husband is handling and coping with the situation at hand)

Today I just feel so lost.  I don't know what I should do or how I should go about doing it.  I try to listen to inspiration.  I try to listen and follow the teachings of the church.  I try and many times I fail.  Lately each time we fail I remind myself that it is only through failure that you learn.  The problem is I think:  What can I learn from this cause I keep having the same problem!!

Sometimes our bag of rocks is just that...our own bag of rocks.  We may not like them.  They get heavy at times.  Sometimes we feel like they will chock and/or kill us.  Some people allow them to.  When my bag is just too heavy, lately I try to remember my Savior suffered EVERYTHING for me.  He felt and CARRIED my bag of rocks.  He understands them.  He knows what I am going through.  He can make them lighter.  When I do all I can do, He can help me complete the task at hand.

I have a greater understanding of my Savior, His atonement and more importantly His love.

I am not perfect.  I am not the kindest, most loving, selfless wife, mother and person.  I complain WAY to often and regret it even more.  I have a hard time seeing the things to be grateful for when I feel like the water I am treading has bigger waves each day and they are lapping my head.  My imperfections can be made whole if I can just trust and have faith in my Savior and His Atonement.  He makes me whole TODAY not when I die.

I forget this often and even though I TRY to remember, there are times my bag of rocks once again becomes to heavy and I say, "no one understands".  There are times I try to convince myself that not even Ben can fully understand my sorrow.  I am wrong at these times, so very, very wrong.

I don't know the answers.  I don't know where to go, how to get there and how to make it all work.  I am sooooo grateful for a Savior and Heavenly Father.  My Heavenly Father does answer my prayers.  I know this without a doubt.  He listens to me whine and complain and then when I bend as far as I can and as long as I remember My Savior is willing and waiting to step in and help lift the burden.  My Father in Heaven then reminds me with sweet whisperings from the Holy Ghost, "This is your answer.  These are your blessings from these trials."

I had this EXACT answer this last Sunday in church.  During the Sacrament I was pleading for understanding, for blessings.  A few minutes later as I looked at my sister and her kids walk into church to sit with us I heard the voice tell me, "Here are some of your eternal blessings...keep trucking along with your Temporal trials".  My temporal trials have helped me gain an amazing relationship with my sister and her children.  Our relationship is so close at times I feel like I have 4 kids rather than 2.  It buoys me up and I feel so blessed so often.

I know there are eternal blessings coming to my life and the life of my family.  I worry sometimes though that a wedge is being driven between Ben and I because sometimes our bag of rocks gets too heavy.  Ben starts to sink and I follow.  Ben then turns and changes his attitude, his vision and his goals and next thing I know is I know we will be ok.  It is so hard not allowing this bag of rocks to allow us to argue, stress and drive a wedge.  I love him more than I could ever express.  I am so grateful for him.  I could not do this without him.  I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven that inspired me to marry the perfect man for me.  The man that will love me through thick and thin.  The man I will love through thick and thin.

I don't know where we are going, where our life is headed or how we will get there.  I do know that my Father in Heaven has given me prayer.  My Savior has provided me with the Atonement to help me clean away my sins and sorrows.  The Holy Ghost can be my personal companion and constant friend as I allow Him to lead and guide me in the direction my Father in Heaven wants me to .

Remembering all this is the key to not giving up and allowing my bag of rocks to sink me.  Someone knows and understands completely.  I am understood completely.  My life is blessed.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

I tried

It was scary.

I still did it.

Now the waiting begins.  I might hear back, I might not.  I might get it, I might not.  At least now I know that I did everything in my power to make it work.  I can say at least I tried. 

I hope and pray that I can and will continue to be lead and guided.  That I will know what is best for my family and I will be able to act in the best interest of my family.

I pray over and over that Heavenly Father will bless me in these endeavors.  I know He has to this point but my prayers need to continue.

I am so grateful for a merciful Father in Heaven.  I am grateful for my blessings.  Now more patience is being taught to me as I wait.

Monday, July 2, 2012

A Leap of Faith

Have you ever been super scared to do something?  I think taking that next scary step is  always a skip in the beat of your heart.  Makes you hold your breath some.

I have had these thoughts of what I should do and where I should move with my work.  I have always just had a job and lately I have gotten the feelings that I need to move it to a career.

My kids are my career.  I never wanted another one.  Yet here I sit contemplating if I am ready to move in the direction of career vs. job. 

The day the thought first came to my mind I was like, "hmm that is weird I have never contemplated going career why would this big of a step in moving that direction come to my mind".  Then I noticed over the few days it kept coming to my mind.  I would force it back because honestly, I love just being a mom.  That is all I wanted to ever do so moving into the business world with a career was not on my plate.  My goal in my job is to work long enough until I can just be a mom again.

Each time the thought came to mind, I would have a million reasons why I should NOT do it.  Each time I had an excuse.

The weird thing about it is I knew that feeling in my heart.  I knew that feeling in my soul.

  • Doctrine and Covenants 8:2

    2 Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.

This is exactly what has happened.  The thought comes to my mind.  I pray about it and it comes and fills my soul and I literally can feel the answer right before me.  Then I look at everything, the probability of getting the position, the fact that I would be leaving home, the fact that I would be moving to a career.  I would push it back and try to forget it.
Funny thing is, I couldn't forget it.  It kept coming to me.  The feeling comes again and it almost overpowers me. I know I can't just put this off and not do it, yet I still try.  It still keeps coming to me, hence the reason I am writing about it.  
We held a fast for Ben's career, that he could be inspired, that I could be inspired.  As I was praying once again this step (more like huge leap) came back to my mind.  As I prayed I once again was filled with the Holy Ghost.  I feel like in order for Ben's career to go where it needs to, I first must take this step.  Be patient with Ben's and forward moving with mine?
This was not the path I was planning.  
After discussing it in length with Ben for a VERY long time, I decided to talk to my girls.  We talked about it.  I told them how very much I love them.  We knelt in prayer and prayed together, just mother and daughters.  After the prayer was over and we were discussing it Lyse very matter of factly stated to me, "Mom you know that feeling you felt, that was the Holy Ghost and you have to listen to that feeling".  She was and is right.  I am so proud of my girl for recognizing the Spirit and KNOWING what she should do when she feels it.   Now as her mom I have to be an example of DOING when you are inspired.
Wow this is a BIG leap!! and I am terrified.  I am not sure that this particular position will be mine (although it feels right for this position); it's the overall direction I feel as though I am being led in.  After I prayed with the girls, I talked to Ben again.  When I prayed, I prayed that we would all have good feelings about this.  Each of the girls said it felt good  to them.  Ben without knowing I had prayed for that told me that it felt good, it felt right.  In my heart I know the same thing but I am scared to death.
I guess it's time to polish up that resume and those interviewing skills.  Time for me to take action on these feelings.  Wish me luck and please pray for me.  Pray for me to have the strength!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Busy Blessings

Life is so busy right now.  I am working all the time.  Ben is working all the time.

Our dishwasher broke over a month ago and no money to fix it.  This has been a thorn in my side until tonight when I heard sweet Katy say, "I HATE dishes, well unless dad is there to talk to me while we do them!"

It got me thinking.  We are so busy we wish for a dishwasher to hurry life and cleaning along.  However, what a HUGE blessing it has been to be FORCED to go in the kitchen and wash the dishes by hand.  Spending that time with Ben as he washes and I dry or the time with the girls.  It really is a I need to take advantage of more often.

We made a "dishes" plan tonight with the girls and I was thankful as I thought, "I get 1 night a week alone with each girl so that I get to talk with just them...yes we will be working but it's really not that labor intensive".

I am grateful I got that new perspective from my beautiful girl.  I am the luckiest mom alive to have 2 wonderful, amazing, kind, caring and helpful girls.  They try and work so hard to help.  At times I miss it cause there are soooo many other distractions in this world but honestly, they do and are trying to keep this house running as Ben and I are working at our jobs to try and keep our lives afloat.

We are blessed in being forced to slow down and enjoy time working together.  I really enjoy weeding the gardens with the girls.  This is another work I am going to learn to love because it is quality time with my girls.

I am so grateful that I have been blessed to be a mom and grow each day.  I learn more from my kids than I could ever teach them.  I am blessed.  I am loved.  They love so unconditionally...I hope I am showing the same love in return.

I know all moms have "mom guilt".  I struggle with it all the time.  I need to be more patient, leave work at work, play more, love more, listen more.  This week I am going to focus on listen more as we work side by side.  Their lives are sooooo important and I want to be a part of that!

Thursday, June 28, 2012


Talks went "Great" (as many have told us) on Sunday.

My second calling has me a bit overwhelmed.

I have worked a TON of hours this week and I am feeling it by today.  Seriously ready to scream.

Pay Days SUCK!

Anxiety is through the roof right now.

How is this for happy!

On a happier note:  I got to spend 2 hours at Seven Peaks with my kiddos.  It was great having some time that didn't cost us a fortune (only the gas to get there).  Thank you Pass of all Passes!!!

Today I got about an hour at Trafalga with the kids.  They loved it.  Thank you again Pass of all Passes.

Now I get to do the walking everywhere for a week cause we don't have gas or gas money...but hoping that next week we can once again thank the pass of all passes for a fun day (hoping for next Thurs or Friday).

Wish me luck over this next week to survive!  We have no milk in the house, Ben's car needs gas and I have $3 to my name until next Thursday.  I am gonna need LOTS OF LUCK!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Public Speaking

Ben and I were asked to speak on Fast Offerings and Tithing in church on Sunday.

Really?!?  Seriously?!?!

I don't even know where to begin.  Each talk I read and scripture I find, the past 3 years comes screaming at me.  When Ben lost his job a week before Christmas, I was a stay at home mom and he was now jobless with no prospects.  The economy was crashing and there was no option in the industry he had been in to go anywhere else.  His dream for that career was gone.  We had put all our eggs into that basket, hoping and praying they would hatch.  When it all crashed down around us, devastation can't even come close describe the feelings we had.

I think of all our trials.  The hardships, heartbreaks and most of all the blessings.  I cry when I read each new talk because I understand.

I guess this is what empathy truly is.  To have a complete understanding and knowledge.

I have found the Atonement of my Savior reaches past sins and into every single heartbreak we face in life.  I have learned that we are the answer to others prayers.  I have learned that as we follow the law of Tithing and Fast Offerings, the gates of heaven open and blessings flood our lives.

I have been in tears each and EVERY time I have thought about this talk and what I am suppose to share.  What qualifies me?  What is the Lord trying to teach me in this?

Yes there are still weeks I have to choose between food and tithing.  When I pay my tithing first, everything just falls into place and it works out.  Even though I have seen the blessings, there are still weeks of doubt when I say but I really need food and gas for the cars.  Those are the weeks it takes more than just faith.  I am weaker than I wish and I wish that I never doubted that my Heavenly Father and Savior would bless me.  It isn't always an easy decision.  It is hard when it is a choice between purchasing food for your house and gas for your vehicle.  I wish I didn't have times where I had to find the strength to be faithful in those situations.

However, that is exactly WHY the Lord has provided us with The United Order, The Law or Consecration or as we now call it, "The church welfare program". 

In April 2011 Conference, President Henry B. Eyring stated, "Because the Lord hears their cries and feels your deep compassion for them, He has from the beginning of time provided ways for His disciples to help.  He has invited His children to consecrate their time, their means, and themselves to join with Him in serving others.

His way of helping has at times been called living the law of consecration.  In another period His was was called the united order.  In our time it is called the Church welfare program.

The names and the details of operation are changed to fit the needs and conditions of people.  But always the Lord's way to help those in temporal need requires people who out of love have consecrated themselves and what they have to God and to His work.

He has invited and commanded us to participate in His work to lift up those in need.  We make a covenant to do that in the waters of baptism and in the holy temples of God.  We renew the covenant on Sundays when we partake of the sacrament."

I find it interesting that there is no age limit to the request to help others in need.

Growing up, my parents often shared the story of my Great Grandma Whitear.  She owned and lived on a dairy farm in Peterson, UT which is up the Weber Canyon.  Winters are bitter cold there and this winter was no different.  The great depression had hit the family like everyone else.  On top of it all, my grandmother was a widow.  The only money left was the money for tithing.  They were out of coal to warm their home but knew she must pay her tithing.  She took the money immediately to the bishop and then instructed her kids to walk along the river bank and find what wood they could to burn that night to try and stay warm.  That night as the last wood was burning out, a knock came to my grandma's door.  The man on the other side said, "The Spirit awoke me and told me you were cold."  He provided my grandma with the coal she and her children needed.  My grandma used faith in paying her tithing knowing the Lord would and will provide.  It was literally her "widows 2 mites".

In Mark 12:41-44 it states:
 41 ¶And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and beheld how the people cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much.
 42 And there came a certain apoor widow, and she threw in two bmites, which make a farthing.
 43 And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this apoor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:
 44 For all they did cast in of their aabundance; but she of her bwant did ccast in dall that she had, even all her living.

Being a mother I have faced some of these trials over the last few years. I have had to face the choice of food or tithing or utilities or tithing.  It was NEVER an easy decision, yet I ALWAYS knew the correct answer and that we would be ok.  I know this because of the faith my parents instilled in my in stories of my grandparents as well as the way they lived their lives.

Early in my life, from the time I can remember, tithing and fast offerings was taught to me as a gift and blessing that we get as we give.  My parents gave me the gift of finding faith in these key principles.  My dad and I had several talks throughout my younger life about how important fast offerings and tithing was.  He shared his testimony with me of these blessings.  He personally bore his testimony to me of this as well as word of mouth.

Word of mouth you ask?  But tithing and fast offerings is confidential.  Well it is only confidential if you don't have the room across the hall, no bedroom doors closed and you are awake with insomnia as your parents discuss concerns over job, budget and life.  Whenever my dad would be facing "cut backs" at work, he increased his fast offerings.  My mom had told me this but I recall 1 time in my teen years.  I was graduated from High School living at home going to the local college.  I was lying in bed late one night (or early one morning depending on which way you think of it) as I heard my mom and dad start talking.  They were talking of cutback and my dad said, "I will just have to increase our fast offerings again and we will be ok!" 

That has never left me.  They have no clue I heard that conversation.  That night as I lyed in bed I thought of my job, my life and my luxuries.  I had a nice room in a nice house in a nice neighborhood.  I had a good job that allowed me to pay for my college tuition as well as enjoy my shopping trips and activities I wanted.  That night I realized "I" was now an adult.  I know had these responsibilities.  I was earning enough money that I should no longer be piggy backing on my parents fast offerings.  It was now time for me to offer up more than my 10% tithing to the Lord.  That week, as I wrote out my check for tithing I included a generous fast offering.  Even though when the Aaronic priesthood came to my parents house they didn't have an envelope specifically for me, I still had a slip I could pick up at the bishops office and I could put money into the church funds.

 Whenever I think of tithing and fast offerings, I think of Gratitude.  My Grandma Ivie's Favorite song was "Because I have been Given Much".  She always felt so blessed with what she had been given in life and she shared the meager living she had with one and all.  She is another example in my life and heritage of someone that gives her "widow's 2 mites".

I have been blessed with an amazing heritage.  One that has taught me that no matter how old or young, much or little I have, I always have something to give to someone, somewhere.

Well thank you blog!  Yes this is more a place for me.  I know some people read but honestly many times this is a place for me to write.  I am HORRID about writing in a journal and I tried an online journal and I could never make it work.  For some reason, this place just works for me.

Now that I have shared all the deep emotions this talk has brought to the fore-front of my mind; hopefully now I can go write a talk that the Lord wants me to share.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Broken Hearts

Yesterday, I was sitting at work and Dustin walked in.  I was working and talking to him for a minute and he asked, "TT did someone die in this house and lots of blood" 

I was taken aback and said, "Um no why?"

He replied he wanted to know cause of the rumors.  I asked what rumors and he was like, "The ones that they were talking about."

I was so confused so we talked for a bit and I told him no, nobody had died in our home.  As I said that I realized he was asking because Jana had been looking at a home before she looked at this one and someone had been murdered in that home in Riverton.  Right when I realized that and as I was about to tell him he said, "Someone died in my house".

Sick.  Literally, I wanted to puke, my stomach dropped and tears came to my eyes.

I was still working and it took me back.  I know it was only seconds but it felt like hours as I thought about how I was going to respong to that.  When I got my composure I replied, "You are right Roo and I loved that person very much!  I love your dad."

Breaks.  My.  Heart!

I can see the pain in his face.  I feel the pain in my heart and know his is 10 times worse.

I have been sad and a bit gloomy ever since.  These kids are too little to be facing the pain that comes from death of a parent, especially due to suicide.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

And the Sun came out!

Monday was hard.  DANG hard.  After a morning of really struggling and I finally was able to pick myself up, say "oh well" to the gas money that would be spent and I headed up to the zoo with the kids.  I have a free season pass to the zoo so I figured I would use it.

We headed out the door and although we didn't have long at the zoo, it was fun!  I loved the new Rocky Pointe with all the bears as well as seals and sea lions.  It was fun to see the new area.

The weather was PERFECT for the zoo.  Seriously, PERFECT!  It was warm but not hot and it was sunny.  We laughed and giggled as we watched the grizzly bears play with each other and the kids of course loved watching baby Zuri (the elephant).  Lyse was DYING to get to the reptile house to see the snakes (where did I get this kid from?) and well we were just happy to be out and enjoying it all!

 Lyse with Zuri the elephant behind her!

 Katy and Lyse - there is a bear in the corner behind them!

Katy and Dustin - the grizzly bears are playing behind them.

Dustin, Katy, Lyse and Millie with the Giraffe!

Monday night I told Dustin that I needed help digging a hole in the backyard for a fire pit.  While we were at the zoo, Blue Stakes had come so I was able to legally dig my hole.  I went out and started it with him and showed him how.  After a few minutes, I went back in the house.  Jana came and got him and he was like, "tomorrow we will finish that".  I laughed a little to myself cause I was thinking, "That is a big hole we have to dig still dude!"

Tuesday was a hodge podge day but when I finally got back home around 5:45 in the evening, Dustin was with me and ready to dig that hole.  Dig he did!  I went out and helped along the edges but man alive that kids is strong and a good solid worker!  He got the hole dug and we put the rocks around the edge.  We had a fire pit (I honestly thought it would take a few more days!!).

My goal in this pit was to do it without Ben.  Ben and I went to the home depot and used a gift card we had there and bought a $4 bag of gravel for the bottom of the pit.  Ben carried that out to the car.  That was the extent of lifting Ben was required to do in this project!  I even carried the 60 lb bag from the car to the back yard and put it in the pit!

It was soooo peaceful last night sitting out there enjoying the fire pit.  It isn't a fancy pit but it is awesome!  It provides exactly what I wanted back there.  We had several neighbors stop by for a few minutes and come talk to us.  It was GREAT!

Now for the pictures...cause I am sure that is what you are wanting to really see!

Roasting the first Marshmallows!

Ben working on getting the fire bigger.

First Fire!

I got it all ready to start the fire :)

Dustin placing the rocks in place!

Ben playing with fire

My sweet Dustin digging the hole!