Where have I been?
Well torn between so many locations and not knowing where to go or how to get there would be the best answer to that!
I am overwhelmed, underwhelmed and in between.
I LOVE my new position at work. Oh how I wish I could do it part time. Tis not the case. It is a full time or not at all situation and that is a HARD pill to swallow.
My true love in life is being a mom, a homemaker, a wife. No the order in that is not the order of which is most important to me. I love being a wife and being there for my husband. That is not something I am often able to do lately with working full time. We finish dinner and I sit on the couch and I am sound asleep before I can even count to 10.
I miss the days of being home, planning dinner, making bread, cleaning house.
I miss the days of going on a field trip was the biggest plan for the day.
Today I was able to go on a field trip. My dad also had major heart surgery. I took off work and I have felt torn all day.
I wish I could just be a career woman at times. Alas, that is not where my heart is. I am being forced to be one due to our circumstances and I often want to sit and cry. I think of my babies, my husband, my time. I don't have energy to do more than work. My house while it is clean it is not spotless like I want/like.
I can't afford a maid. I can now say we barely survive each week. Survival financially is the reason for this situation.
No. I am not living an extravagant life. I am talking basics of food, house, utilities, car and gas. We now have the money to pay all those.
It takes a lot of money to run a family. More than I would have ever imagined.
My heart yearns for the simpler days of being just a "part time working mom". How sad is that?!? I think I remember typing that about being a part time working mom and wishing for the "stay at home mom" stage again. Oh and I have put on like 10 lbs....soooo annoyed. I don't have the
time or energy to do much about it and that makes me even more
frustrated and mad.
I have so much to be grateful for. I hope and pray that our Father in Heaven will lead and guide me to where we need to be. Help me find joy in what I do have, comfort from the pain of loss.
So here is to picking myself back up, brushing off the dirt from feeling knocked over, trampled on and kicked to the ground again. I will move forward. I will be a successful mom. I will still make it work. I will still have a forever family....because in the end that is all this life is about! I just hope my children see my sacrifice and understand why. I do this because I love their dad and them and it is what our family needs. I hope they can see it. I hope they don't begrudge it.