Disappeared

Where have I been?

Well torn between so many locations and not knowing where to go or how to get there would be the best answer to that!

I am overwhelmed, underwhelmed and in between. 

I LOVE my new position at work.  Oh how I wish I could do it part time.  Tis not the case.  It is a full time or not at all situation and that is a HARD pill to swallow.

My true love in life is being a mom, a homemaker, a wife. No the order in that is not the order of which is most important to me.  I love being a wife and being there for my husband.  That is not something I am often able to do lately with working full time.  We finish dinner and I sit on the couch and I am sound asleep before I can even count to 10.

I miss the days of being home, planning dinner, making bread, cleaning house.

I miss the days of going on a field trip was the biggest plan for the day.

Today I was able to go on a field trip.  My dad also had major heart surgery.  I took off work and I have felt torn all day.

I wish I could just be a career woman at times.  Alas, that is not where my heart is.  I am being forced to be one due to our circumstances and I often want to sit and cry.  I think of my babies, my husband, my time.  I don't have energy to do more than work.  My house while it is clean it is not spotless like I want/like.

I can't afford a maid.  I can now say we barely survive each week.  Survival financially is the reason for this situation.

No.  I am not living an extravagant life.  I am talking basics of food, house, utilities, car and gas.  We now have the money to pay all those.

It takes a lot of money to run a family.  More than I would have ever imagined. 

My heart yearns for the simpler days of being just a "part time working mom".  How sad is that?!?  I think I remember typing that about being a part time working mom and wishing for the "stay at home mom" stage again.  Oh and I have put on like 10 lbs....soooo annoyed.  I don't have the time or energy to do much about it and that makes me even more frustrated and mad.

I have so much to be grateful for.  I hope and pray that our Father in Heaven will lead and guide me to where we need to be.  Help me find joy in what I do have, comfort from the pain of loss.


So here is to picking myself back up, brushing off the dirt from feeling knocked over, trampled on and kicked to the ground again.  I will move forward.  I will be a successful mom.  I will still make it work.  I will still have a forever family....because in the end that is all this life is about!  I just hope my children see my sacrifice and understand why.  I do this because I love their dad and them and it is what our family needs.  I hope they can see it.  I hope they don't begrudge it.