Thursday, June 28, 2012


Talks went "Great" (as many have told us) on Sunday.

My second calling has me a bit overwhelmed.

I have worked a TON of hours this week and I am feeling it by today.  Seriously ready to scream.

Pay Days SUCK!

Anxiety is through the roof right now.

How is this for happy!

On a happier note:  I got to spend 2 hours at Seven Peaks with my kiddos.  It was great having some time that didn't cost us a fortune (only the gas to get there).  Thank you Pass of all Passes!!!

Today I got about an hour at Trafalga with the kids.  They loved it.  Thank you again Pass of all Passes.

Now I get to do the walking everywhere for a week cause we don't have gas or gas money...but hoping that next week we can once again thank the pass of all passes for a fun day (hoping for next Thurs or Friday).

Wish me luck over this next week to survive!  We have no milk in the house, Ben's car needs gas and I have $3 to my name until next Thursday.  I am gonna need LOTS OF LUCK!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Public Speaking

Ben and I were asked to speak on Fast Offerings and Tithing in church on Sunday.

Really?!?  Seriously?!?!

I don't even know where to begin.  Each talk I read and scripture I find, the past 3 years comes screaming at me.  When Ben lost his job a week before Christmas, I was a stay at home mom and he was now jobless with no prospects.  The economy was crashing and there was no option in the industry he had been in to go anywhere else.  His dream for that career was gone.  We had put all our eggs into that basket, hoping and praying they would hatch.  When it all crashed down around us, devastation can't even come close describe the feelings we had.

I think of all our trials.  The hardships, heartbreaks and most of all the blessings.  I cry when I read each new talk because I understand.

I guess this is what empathy truly is.  To have a complete understanding and knowledge.

I have found the Atonement of my Savior reaches past sins and into every single heartbreak we face in life.  I have learned that we are the answer to others prayers.  I have learned that as we follow the law of Tithing and Fast Offerings, the gates of heaven open and blessings flood our lives.

I have been in tears each and EVERY time I have thought about this talk and what I am suppose to share.  What qualifies me?  What is the Lord trying to teach me in this?

Yes there are still weeks I have to choose between food and tithing.  When I pay my tithing first, everything just falls into place and it works out.  Even though I have seen the blessings, there are still weeks of doubt when I say but I really need food and gas for the cars.  Those are the weeks it takes more than just faith.  I am weaker than I wish and I wish that I never doubted that my Heavenly Father and Savior would bless me.  It isn't always an easy decision.  It is hard when it is a choice between purchasing food for your house and gas for your vehicle.  I wish I didn't have times where I had to find the strength to be faithful in those situations.

However, that is exactly WHY the Lord has provided us with The United Order, The Law or Consecration or as we now call it, "The church welfare program". 

In April 2011 Conference, President Henry B. Eyring stated, "Because the Lord hears their cries and feels your deep compassion for them, He has from the beginning of time provided ways for His disciples to help.  He has invited His children to consecrate their time, their means, and themselves to join with Him in serving others.

His way of helping has at times been called living the law of consecration.  In another period His was was called the united order.  In our time it is called the Church welfare program.

The names and the details of operation are changed to fit the needs and conditions of people.  But always the Lord's way to help those in temporal need requires people who out of love have consecrated themselves and what they have to God and to His work.

He has invited and commanded us to participate in His work to lift up those in need.  We make a covenant to do that in the waters of baptism and in the holy temples of God.  We renew the covenant on Sundays when we partake of the sacrament."

I find it interesting that there is no age limit to the request to help others in need.

Growing up, my parents often shared the story of my Great Grandma Whitear.  She owned and lived on a dairy farm in Peterson, UT which is up the Weber Canyon.  Winters are bitter cold there and this winter was no different.  The great depression had hit the family like everyone else.  On top of it all, my grandmother was a widow.  The only money left was the money for tithing.  They were out of coal to warm their home but knew she must pay her tithing.  She took the money immediately to the bishop and then instructed her kids to walk along the river bank and find what wood they could to burn that night to try and stay warm.  That night as the last wood was burning out, a knock came to my grandma's door.  The man on the other side said, "The Spirit awoke me and told me you were cold."  He provided my grandma with the coal she and her children needed.  My grandma used faith in paying her tithing knowing the Lord would and will provide.  It was literally her "widows 2 mites".

In Mark 12:41-44 it states:
 41 ¶And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and beheld how the people cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much.
 42 And there came a certain apoor widow, and she threw in two bmites, which make a farthing.
 43 And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this apoor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:
 44 For all they did cast in of their aabundance; but she of her bwant did ccast in dall that she had, even all her living.

Being a mother I have faced some of these trials over the last few years. I have had to face the choice of food or tithing or utilities or tithing.  It was NEVER an easy decision, yet I ALWAYS knew the correct answer and that we would be ok.  I know this because of the faith my parents instilled in my in stories of my grandparents as well as the way they lived their lives.

Early in my life, from the time I can remember, tithing and fast offerings was taught to me as a gift and blessing that we get as we give.  My parents gave me the gift of finding faith in these key principles.  My dad and I had several talks throughout my younger life about how important fast offerings and tithing was.  He shared his testimony with me of these blessings.  He personally bore his testimony to me of this as well as word of mouth.

Word of mouth you ask?  But tithing and fast offerings is confidential.  Well it is only confidential if you don't have the room across the hall, no bedroom doors closed and you are awake with insomnia as your parents discuss concerns over job, budget and life.  Whenever my dad would be facing "cut backs" at work, he increased his fast offerings.  My mom had told me this but I recall 1 time in my teen years.  I was graduated from High School living at home going to the local college.  I was lying in bed late one night (or early one morning depending on which way you think of it) as I heard my mom and dad start talking.  They were talking of cutback and my dad said, "I will just have to increase our fast offerings again and we will be ok!" 

That has never left me.  They have no clue I heard that conversation.  That night as I lyed in bed I thought of my job, my life and my luxuries.  I had a nice room in a nice house in a nice neighborhood.  I had a good job that allowed me to pay for my college tuition as well as enjoy my shopping trips and activities I wanted.  That night I realized "I" was now an adult.  I know had these responsibilities.  I was earning enough money that I should no longer be piggy backing on my parents fast offerings.  It was now time for me to offer up more than my 10% tithing to the Lord.  That week, as I wrote out my check for tithing I included a generous fast offering.  Even though when the Aaronic priesthood came to my parents house they didn't have an envelope specifically for me, I still had a slip I could pick up at the bishops office and I could put money into the church funds.

 Whenever I think of tithing and fast offerings, I think of Gratitude.  My Grandma Ivie's Favorite song was "Because I have been Given Much".  She always felt so blessed with what she had been given in life and she shared the meager living she had with one and all.  She is another example in my life and heritage of someone that gives her "widow's 2 mites".

I have been blessed with an amazing heritage.  One that has taught me that no matter how old or young, much or little I have, I always have something to give to someone, somewhere.

Well thank you blog!  Yes this is more a place for me.  I know some people read but honestly many times this is a place for me to write.  I am HORRID about writing in a journal and I tried an online journal and I could never make it work.  For some reason, this place just works for me.

Now that I have shared all the deep emotions this talk has brought to the fore-front of my mind; hopefully now I can go write a talk that the Lord wants me to share.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Broken Hearts

Yesterday, I was sitting at work and Dustin walked in.  I was working and talking to him for a minute and he asked, "TT did someone die in this house and lots of blood" 

I was taken aback and said, "Um no why?"

He replied he wanted to know cause of the rumors.  I asked what rumors and he was like, "The ones that they were talking about."

I was so confused so we talked for a bit and I told him no, nobody had died in our home.  As I said that I realized he was asking because Jana had been looking at a home before she looked at this one and someone had been murdered in that home in Riverton.  Right when I realized that and as I was about to tell him he said, "Someone died in my house".

Sick.  Literally, I wanted to puke, my stomach dropped and tears came to my eyes.

I was still working and it took me back.  I know it was only seconds but it felt like hours as I thought about how I was going to respong to that.  When I got my composure I replied, "You are right Roo and I loved that person very much!  I love your dad."

Breaks.  My.  Heart!

I can see the pain in his face.  I feel the pain in my heart and know his is 10 times worse.

I have been sad and a bit gloomy ever since.  These kids are too little to be facing the pain that comes from death of a parent, especially due to suicide.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

And the Sun came out!

Monday was hard.  DANG hard.  After a morning of really struggling and I finally was able to pick myself up, say "oh well" to the gas money that would be spent and I headed up to the zoo with the kids.  I have a free season pass to the zoo so I figured I would use it.

We headed out the door and although we didn't have long at the zoo, it was fun!  I loved the new Rocky Pointe with all the bears as well as seals and sea lions.  It was fun to see the new area.

The weather was PERFECT for the zoo.  Seriously, PERFECT!  It was warm but not hot and it was sunny.  We laughed and giggled as we watched the grizzly bears play with each other and the kids of course loved watching baby Zuri (the elephant).  Lyse was DYING to get to the reptile house to see the snakes (where did I get this kid from?) and well we were just happy to be out and enjoying it all!

 Lyse with Zuri the elephant behind her!

 Katy and Lyse - there is a bear in the corner behind them!

Katy and Dustin - the grizzly bears are playing behind them.

Dustin, Katy, Lyse and Millie with the Giraffe!

Monday night I told Dustin that I needed help digging a hole in the backyard for a fire pit.  While we were at the zoo, Blue Stakes had come so I was able to legally dig my hole.  I went out and started it with him and showed him how.  After a few minutes, I went back in the house.  Jana came and got him and he was like, "tomorrow we will finish that".  I laughed a little to myself cause I was thinking, "That is a big hole we have to dig still dude!"

Tuesday was a hodge podge day but when I finally got back home around 5:45 in the evening, Dustin was with me and ready to dig that hole.  Dig he did!  I went out and helped along the edges but man alive that kids is strong and a good solid worker!  He got the hole dug and we put the rocks around the edge.  We had a fire pit (I honestly thought it would take a few more days!!).

My goal in this pit was to do it without Ben.  Ben and I went to the home depot and used a gift card we had there and bought a $4 bag of gravel for the bottom of the pit.  Ben carried that out to the car.  That was the extent of lifting Ben was required to do in this project!  I even carried the 60 lb bag from the car to the back yard and put it in the pit!

It was soooo peaceful last night sitting out there enjoying the fire pit.  It isn't a fancy pit but it is awesome!  It provides exactly what I wanted back there.  We had several neighbors stop by for a few minutes and come talk to us.  It was GREAT!

Now for the pictures...cause I am sure that is what you are wanting to really see!

Roasting the first Marshmallows!

Ben working on getting the fire bigger.

First Fire!

I got it all ready to start the fire :)

Dustin placing the rocks in place!

Ben playing with fire

My sweet Dustin digging the hole!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Tired of getting back up

I am frustrated beyond frustration right now!

I am working my hardest.  Trying my hardest and at every corner I am thrown another punch that knocks me over.

Today I am tired of getting back up.

Today it feels like, "What is the point to just be knocked back down tomorrow?"

I am deflated and so tired.

Can I please catch a break...just for a day or 2?

PS I ran across this and it seemed to hit my life perfectly today!

 Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.  ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, June 7, 2012


2 weeks ago I remember sitting and thinking, "wow it is nice to have so many things in the past and be moving forward in life."

A day later our cars oil sensor went out, followed by the dishwasher.  A couple days later I spent more time than I would have liked in the ER and in pain ever since.

Maybe that past isn't as far as I would have liked!

I had Ben give me a blessing.  I wanted so bad to hear I would be healed and my body whole yet I KNEW if he had said those words I would not have been able to believe and have faith cause in my gut I knew differently.

This is a trial that I am going to have to have strength to carry on physically and mentally (even when I don't think I can).  I know I will grow from it.

When i was set apart for my calling I was awed by how the bishopric (even though they had NO clue of my prior health issues) blessed me with health to fulfill my calling.  I sat there thinking, "The Lord speaks and people don't have to have prior knowledge to give a blessing as long as they are in tune".

When all this started my thoughts were, "I am ok cause I was blessed I could fulfill my calling".  So far, this has not interrupted my calling at all.  Even though I haven't had perfect health, I have still been able to fulfill my calling each Sunday.

I have such faith in the power of a priesthood blessing.  I KNOW that our Father in Heaven has the ability to do anything through the priesthood and faith.  Often I wonder if it is my lack of faith for the reasons I am here.  When all this started 18 months ago, I was promised I would be healed and not have further complications.

I wish that blessing had been recorded cause I am sure it said something like, "you won't experience further complications right now" but I just remember the won't experience further complications and remembering the relief I felt.  That blessing was given to me after the second stay in the hospital (the one with the bone marrow biopsy) not the first stay (with my intussusception).

I have faith.  I know my life can be happy and fulfilled, even if I am sick.  I think this trial is to teach me to be positive and happy even in tough times.  I am worried though.  How are we going to pay all these HUGE bills that are going to come our way?  Why couldn't I just be healthy?