A week of unplanned

More unplanned adventures occurred today when I suddenly got the flu.  SUPER Sick :(  Ended up with extreme pain in my stomach region.  Went to the ER via ambulance after calling my neighbor who is a nurse.  She came and saw me and was like, "um 911 is needed".

Low White Blood Cell count - AGAIN!

I don't know why that makes my stomach feel like it is going to explode and take my lungs with it!  OUCH!  Spent 5 hours in the er and might be in there again if the pain doesn't go away again.

The above pictures are from my hospital room.  I was supposed to be getting an IV, instead I ended up giving my blood...enough that it went all the way up into the bag and started to fill the bag!  Oh joy.

They made me hang out at the hospital for a LONG time due to low blood pressure and low white blood cell count.  I just keep praying that I can start feeling better.  I feel like CRAP right now.

Last night at this time, I just had a little headache but that was it.  By 10 pm I had the full on flu.  How does it hit soooooo fast?

Well this little set back just made my work week shorter and not as much money :(.  It also created a few bills that were completely unplanned!

Sickness

This morning I was awoken to a bed drenched in Urine.

The culprit - Lyse

The reason - she was sick

I wasn't mad but I wanted to clean it all up so I dragged myself out of the bed and then started trying to wake Lyse.

She would NOT wake up. I was TERRIFIED. Worse few moments in my life. She was grayish and at first Ben could not get a heart beat on her. I took over and found a slight, weak heart beat and tried with all my heart to wake her. I said a quick prayer and tried again.

Fear filled me stomach. Worst feeling EVER.

When I realized she might not wake up and she needed help ASAP I told Ben to call 9-1-1 as I continued to try and wake her. As Ben was freaking and reaching for the phone, Lyse stirred. She finally opened her eyes and said, "What?! I'm tired!"

Those were the most amazing, comforting words I have ever heard! I was so scared!

Lyse is doing GREAT today!!! Other than the morning drama, the rest of the day she was a little ray of sunshine. She skipped and jumped and ran around with a huge smile on her face all day long.

We still had to take her into the ER again for the last follow up. When we walked in, the same lady that had checked us in the 2 days previous was once again there. She was AMAZED at Lyse and how well she was. She said over and over again, "Wow what a completely different child she is when she isn't sick."

As Lyse was doing the vitals check the sweet nurse spoke with her about how she looked happier today than the last few days. Lyse turned to her and said, "Ya, my tummy and back don't hurt anymore". Poor thing had been pretty sick!

I don't know if I ever typed it, but Lyse was diagnosed with UTI and Kidney Infection. Her heart rate had been really elevated the past 2 visits, so to have no fever and a normal heart rate - the check in nurse was THRILLED!

The ER visit was quick and painless...no IV. The dr. saw Lyse and how well she was doing and said, "Well I guess all she needs is the oral meds and she is good to go...she is doing great and we like seeing it."

Music to a mother's ears!

Lyse has been happy...hence I have been happy. We have all been a bit tired but sleep tonight will cure that!

Considering the morning starting in FEAR...ending on tired is just fine by me. I am so glad that Lyse is better!!!

Different subject: I am debating moving all this blog and its' posts over to my wordpress blog. I have not been on that blog in FOREVER but I liked it a lot. I am thinking of moving back there. Not positive...but definitely thinking about it. Decisions, Decisions!

Failures as a mother

I have been struggling. Ben even asked if I needed to go to the Dr. and get some anti-depression meds.

I watch our savings go to nothing and anxiety fills my body. Seriously, I am at a breaking point. Last night I SWORE I was done...done with everything. Today I woke up sad but able (not ready) but able to live again.

Yes I know finances aren't everything. I just feel like a failure.

Thursday night we were driving to Kohl's to meet my parents and Katy (in a VERY excited voice says, "Guess what mom? You don't need a house to get books from the library, all you need is a card. So if we don't get money and we loose our house we can still get free books from the library."

My heart broke into a million piece right then and there! My beautiful wonderful almost 8 year old is carrying around on her shoulders the worries of an adult and it isn't fair. I felt like a complete FAILURE as a mother!!! I have tried to guard and shield them from this as much as I can; while at the same time I am having to be honest and truthful with them, especially in regards to not having extra money for this and that.

I have not guarded and hid my fears deep enough from them. I know I have broken down a couple times and I try to hide it from them but they still notice. Katy hasn't been mentioning the fear of loosing our house or anything so I thought I was doing ok. That little paragraph she spoke to me made me realize she still worried...she just didn't tell me cause she didn't want me to worry about her.

I failed my Katybug! That kills me more than anything. So last night my break down and today's BLAH had a reason - I failed at protecting my daughter...instead she felt like she needed to protect me! It is NOT fair that she is faced with this and even has a reason to worry. It is NOT fair I didn't protect her more. It kills me!

So today I decided I needed to start over...I needed to recharge and refresh. I decided even though I had ZERO desire to go to the Temple, I would. I got Ben's pants out and hemmed and ironed them. I got a babysitter arranged. I got an appointment at the Oquirrih Mountain Temple. It was going to work - I was going to force it to.

Lyse had been sent to bed cause she wouldn't stop crying...I figured she needed a nap. She complained of a stomach ache before going to bed and when I went upstairs to wake her up so we could go to the temple she was BURNING up. I called Ben in and went and got the thermometer.

103 F.

I checked again - same answer. We got the shower running, put her in to help cool her off and then called the doctor. Complaining horrible and very suddenly of a stomach ache and then shortly thereafter have a fever had me very concerned. It concerned the doctors office too - I was told to take her to the ER.

Since we didn't have any Motrin or Tylenol in the house and had been told to take her to the ER, we headed immediately to the ER. Poor thing was not feeling well and cried the entire way there, the entire 5 minutes we were in the waiting room and then continued to cry for the next 3 hours. They tried to give her popsicles, they tried to give her pain reliever...we tried to give her popsicles, we tried to give her pain reliever. NONE of it worked. She wanted nothing to do with any of it.

When the easy answer of strep came back negative, the informed us they HAD to put in an IV, get some blood and do other tests. Lyse was NOT happy about the IV being put in. I held her on my lap, Ben held her as well. The nurse brought in what she called the "enforcement" a young, buff orderly. All 4 of us tried desperately to hold down Lyse, the 5 year old. She bawled. I bawled. My baby was sick, in pain and now we were inflicting more pain. My heart broke! I think I cried harder than she did! Nothing hurts more than holding your daughter down as she is in agony. NOTHING!!

During the process, Lyse knocked the nurse and needle and well lets just say LOTS of blood poured out. Unfortunately, that blood poured out onto my pants :( They are my favorite pants and DANG cute. Hopefully the blood will all come out. If not...oh well!

Once the IV was set, they gave Lyse some morphine. Once the morphine kicked in, Lyse for the first time in HOURS stopped crying. She allowed us to give her pain meds, she allowed us to get a urine sample. She ate a popsicle and then asked for more. Bart and Debbie came and Lyse played with their iphones.

Lyse was diagnosed with a UTI for sure. They are questioning if the UTI had moved to the kidneys. They also still wondered about the appendicitis, so we get to go back to the ER in the morning for a recheck and more antibiotics. The doctor wanted to leave the IV in over night but Ben was rather uncomfortable with that, so they did remove that. In the morning, she will either have to have a shot or have another IV or best case scenerio we can just get some oral meds...I am hoping for oral meds!

As the amazing sweet nurse removed Lyse's IV Lyse said to her, "That medicine you gave me took away all the pain...I didn't feel ANYTHING". The nurse smiled and chuckled and said, "Ya it will do that!" Lyse mentioned SEVERAL times how much she loved that morphine. Gotta watch that girl! :)

Tonight we are home and I am grateful. I know that the blessing Ben gave Lyse is the reason we are not checked into the hospital and sleeping there tonight. Even though I didn't get the temple, my priorities are back in order. My family is all that truly matters. Yes the other stuff DOES matter and is stressful but in the end I need to be a better mom at protecting Lyse and Katy from that yucky stuff and helping them enjoy the amazing stuff!

I am grateful to have 2 sleeping girls upstairs. I am grateful for a husband that holds the priesthood. I am grateful for my family!

Ulcers

I have a stomach ulcer. I have managed to loose 5 lbs due to it but I am ready for it to be gone! I have a dr. appt and I am dreading it cause of money but looking forward to it because I need help with my stomach!

My. Stomach. HURTS!!!!

I also am having extreme anemia. The two are most likely related. I tried to give blood and they turned me away for lack of enough iron. I am starting on some new vitamins to help it all soon. I personally think that if they could just solve the ulcer, the anemia will solve itself! Until then I am tired, want more sleep and want to be able to eat, drink or basically anything without wanting to DIE from the pain that follows.

On a side note: I have been praying a LOT about our situation. I kept feeling like this week would have some good movement in the way of money. For the first time, I have been contacted from one of the MANY job applications I have turned it. It is actually a good job that I would be able to do from home. I don't want to get my hopes up to high but it is looking promising! I would love for it to be the company but I have come to see that the company is going to take some time to get up and running.

New Start

1 year ago today I started on a new part of life and weight loss.

I don't ever talk about this with but a few people. I have tried to hide it.

I am NOT ashamed of it in any way. I am afraid of what people will think. I KNOW what some think!

I wish I could tell them what I have learned, what I know and that they are TRULY wrong in their assumption that I took the easy way out.

1 year ago I went to my first meeting for weight loss surgery.

We were truly blessed to have an insurance that paid 100% minus co-pays. That insurance gave me a new life.

The process wasn't LOOOONG and tedious like it can be with some insurances. I started the process on May 6, 2009. My surgery was on July 1, 2009, so just under 2 months...which is basically how long even self paying people have to wait.

There is a process that no matter how quickly you want it done, you still have to meet the process.

First you have to attend a meeting. They discuss all the options, what each entails and then you have time in which you can sit and talk with people that have had the surgery. I originally planned on doing lap band. I walked out of the meeting confident, sure and a re-affirmation from my Father in Heaven that Gastric Bypass was what I was supposed to do. Ben felt the same so that was a great thing.

Then comes the paperwork. You leave the meeting with a HUGE pamphlet that you have to fill out. Important decisions have to be made. One is which surgery. Another is which doctor. I had already felt very inspired to go with Dr. McKinley, after all he was the one that I had found on the internet while in Oklahoma and lead me to that specific practice.

I guess if I really talk about when my process started, I would have to say that it started in April of 2009. That is when I was trying desperately to loose weight and was not loosing any. That is when I had a night I had to read through all my information on insurance for a friend that had the same insurance and needed an answer. That is when I came across the Weight Loss Surgery area of our coverage and had such an overwhelming Spiritual confirmation that it makes me teary even thinking of it.

This decision was not a decision I took lightly. I researched and researched. A big reason I chose to do lap band before the meeting was because it was the safest. Going under the knife to loose weight is serious. I have children. I have to raise those children. Dying on the table while trying to help myself and children in the future...well the children wouldn't have me in the future. I prayed a lot, talked to Ben a lot and then I went to my mom and sister.

Everyone wanted me to do lap band and honestly I was leaning towards it because of safety but as I was lead towards it there was also this burning in my soul that told me Gastric Bypass was what I needed to do.

After the meeting and both my husband and I feeling Gastric Bypass was the answer. I filled out the paper time and had it turned in within a week (including all the copies of medical transcripts from 4 different doctors).

Once my paperwork was turned in then I had to wait. I am not patient...each day that went by I would worry and fret that for some reason my insurance would decide they didn't want to cover the surgery for me.

The day I got the letter in the mail from my insurance was such an amazing day. I was sooooo happy! I was soooo grateful and once again I received Spiritual confirmation that I was doing what I was meant to, that the Lord was guiding me here.

From that point on it was mainly timing with the surgeon and office. I had to attend 2 meetings and a pre-surgery exam. I had to get some blood work up and for 2 weeks before the surgery I had to eat under 1000 calories a day (which I did).

My surgery went perfect, my recovery didn't go perfect. Matter of fact, within the first week I had blood clots and had to go back in for surgery on the 8th of July because of complications. Recovery sucked. Anyone that was around me and supporting me during that time will fully agree that my choice for weight loss surgery was not the easy way out.

The first time I had to walk after the surgery I thought I would die. Laughing made me cry not because of joy. Food was NOT my friend...I couldn't even eat 1 fl. oz of food, much less the 2 fl. oz.

My stomach caused many problems for many months and honestly it took me 4 months to be able to eat 2 fl. oz. size portions. I can now eat 6-8 fl oz worth of food but try to stick to 2-4 fl. oz. serving sizes.

I started my surgery at 300 lbs...today 10 months and 6 days after the surgery I weigh 159 lbs. My doctor figured I would loose to about 180. I have had to work hard and a lot. I have to turn down food that looks good because I know my body shouldn't have it. I still have to have will power. I am NOT perfect but I am trying.

Writing about this is one of the hardest things I do. I think the biggest reason I dared do it was because I know very few people read my blog.

I want to be able to share, I want to get past the judgment that I know many people place on those that have Gastric Bypass Surgery. I want them to know it is NOT the easy way out and you still have to make choices daily. I can still get fat again if I make the wrong choices. The differences is it has allowed me to get skinny!!! I am FINALLY able to do it. I have learned so much and I will write more about it, but for now my children want me to take them for a bike ride and I can do that...something that 1 year ago I could not.

Gastric Bypass gave me back my life. That is something that I will be eternally grateful for!

Surgery

Friday I went to a surgeon about my embarrassing little mishap. He agreed it was not a good situation and actually said IMMEDIATE surgery was needed.

So Friday night I spent the night in the hospital all drugged up. They sent me home later that evening drugged up, drowsy and nauseated. Boy was I nauseated. Driving in the car caused me to hurl. Lucky for me, there was nothing in my stomach too hurl!

Recovery has been slow but good. I can see improvements.

For example:

Friday: I started out taking a 7.5 Lortab every 4 hours. At 3 hours I was couting down the minutes until I could take another because the pain was so intense.

Saturday Early Morning: Nauseated, sick, sore and tired. Start bath water and fall asleep in warm bath water. Wake up an hour or so later to cold bath water. Slowly and gingerly get out of tub and climb back in bed.

Saturday morning: I puked up all Lortab, food and any other item that went through my stomach region. After an amazing phone call and wonder drugs called "anti-nausea pills" I was finally able to keep not only water and food down, but even the more needed pain pills down.

Saturday afternoon: Able to keep more than just crackers down, can go 5 hours between pain pills and pain only starts again after 4 hours.

Saturday late afternoon: Nice hot bath is drawn. Enjoy a nice hour nap in warm water. Wake up to cold water. Restart water to warm up then get my raisin skinned body out of the tub.

Saturday night: This is a big one...I switched from the 7.5 Lortab to the 5 Lortab.

Early Morning (like 3:00 am) Sunday: Up taking a bath, praying that Lortab would kick in quicker. Fall asleep in tub.

Later Early Morning Sunday: Wake up in cold bath water and race to bed with electric blanket.

Sunday Morning: Switch from Lortab to Ibuprofen...been on Ibuprofen ever since.

Sunday Afternoon: Take a hot bath wishing I hadn't promised myself only Ibuprofen for the rest of the day...praying the water had a narcotic in it! Fall asleep in warm bath water. Wake up to cold bath water and 2 little girls leering over me talking to each other. Conversation goes something like this:

K - "How long has she been in here?"

L - "I don't know, a LONG time. Do you think she is dead?"

K - "No she is moving and breathing."

L - "The water isn't very warm anymore. I think she must be cold. What do you think she is doing?"

K - "I don't really know."

Me - "Girls go out"

Girls scream

L - "You scared us"

Me - "Um ya some privacy please"

2 little girls run out of the bathroom, laughing and talking about how they thought for sure I was dead in the water and how it was so strange that I had been in there for so long.

Sunday Night : Forget my promise to myself...Lortab is my friend tonight. Don't worry I will stick to the lower doseage one :)

The one trend I see in this whole thing: I have gotten a LOT of bath time in, something I don't normally get and my kids OBVIOUSLY are finding it weird.

The one thing I have learned: waking up in cold bath water is NOT, let me repeat NOT, fun. Someone needs to invent something that keeps the water circulating and warm for as long as you are in the tub!!

I am healing and so grateful I am! Now lets just hope hospital bills don't send us to the courthouse filing bankruptcy!

My friend, Loratab

Recently I have a personal injury that has been EXTREMELY painful. I dealt with the pain for days because the embarrassment of seeing a doctor was worse. Today I finally lost it and broke down and called for an appoint.

Luckily the doctor was no more comfortable in our conversation of my body than I was. He was kind but also very concerned. We discussed my situation (including the fact that I only have insurance until February 28, 2010) and he told me even without the insurance hurry, it was an emergency situation that I needed to get to a surgeon for. Oh the joy!

My consolation prize for a horribly embarrassing doctors visit that I get to repeat with another doctor tomorrow or Tuesday? Loratab. Not sure if I like the consolation prize, would rather not have the problem. Although tonight I KNOW I am going to sleep like a baby. Loratab not only makes me ditzy and out of it...it will knock me out!

So good night world...I am going to enjoy my consolation prize and bed!