In a land far, far, away...or just up Big Cottonwood Canyon - Hike #7

Last week (August 3-4) was the first time we had the chance and opportunity to camp this summer. However, this was NOT the traditional camping trip you are thinking of. No, that camping trip is coming tonight. The one last week was a "chance of a lifetime", a "goal and milestone reached" type camping trip.

No it wasn't to Africa or the Brazilian Amazon (however those would DEFINITELY be on the list).

This trip was up Big Cottonwood Canyon to the "S" turn.

This trip did NOT involve driving the car to the spot, unloading and setting up camp.

This trip DID involve putting a 50 lb pack on my back and hiking in 3.7 miles.

This trip DID involve hiking up 2880 feet in Elevation.

This trip DID about kill me but was so freaking amazing I can't even believe it.

Last Tuesday we headed out. Ben had a pack and I had a pack. Each of the girls had a small backpack with a couple items. Lyse carried hers and Katy hers for about 10 minutes until Ben ended up with Katy's and Lyse ended up with nothing (she was VERY proud of that).

The hike was a bit ambitious even without the packs. With the girls and packs it took us about 6 hours to hike the 3.7 miles to Lake Blanche.

No that is not anything amazing...it is actually kinda embarrassing it took us so long. We took many rests.

The lake was gorgeous. We got up there in time to make dinner and enjoy the amazing sunset. We made a fire (even though it was outlawed). We were not the first. There was this perfectly flat rock in which a perfect fire pit was NATURALLY made. It was like we were being told it was ok! Yes I know we should have followed the rules but the girls wanted a fire and to roast marshmallows so bad, I decided to just go with it.

The girls made up an imaginary world (well not made up but believed that Terrabithia was over the stream's rock bridge). The girls said over and over again how much they LOVED it up there and how they wanted to stay longer. If we had brought enough food and had been able to notify family waiting and expecting our return, we would have LOVED staying for a second night. I was amazed at how quickly the girls forgot the LONG, HARD hike to get to the beautiful area at the top and around the lake. I tried to forget it but my body just didn't allow it! When we told them we had no other options than to go home the next morning they asked if we could just hike back up next week! Ummm...Maybe next summer?!?! :)

One of the most amazing things - our children and us were the ONLY campers in the area...for miles! It was a true back-country camping expedition! I have always wanted but never had the opportunity to be the only person in the wilderness camping. I LOVED it! Only us and the animals for MILES!

The girls played until it was dark and then roasted some marshmallows. Katy made me the most AMAZING roasted marshmallow ever! It was perfect. She was named the official marshmallow roaster forever! Her dad has taught her well!

As we settled in for the night, we still hadn't gotten out our jackets out. It was still quite warm outside. As we settled into the tent it was actually too warm and I was HOT! How can it be hot when you are up almost 9000 feet in elevation? That was definitely a first for me!!! The night was ANYTHING but a cold night, which is a blessing. I do wish I would have packed less clothes...less to carry!!

During the night an amazing thunderstorm came through. It was amazing and beautiful to hear the thunder crack and roar in the mountainous valley in which we were sleeping. The wind was whipping through the trees but extraordinarily enough it didn't touch our tent. We must have set our tent up in the perfect little spot because it was protected from the whipping winds. I loved listening to the rain as it pelted the top of our tent. It was very therapeutic.

After the storm was over I slept for a bit...well until the wild animal came sniffing around the tent. I laid awake listening to it for a bit and after it left stayed awake a bit longer to just make sure all was well.

The overall experience was unbelievable! I am so grateful that my family and I were able to do this. What an amazing experience and hopefully this will be a fun, memorable experience for my girls as much as it was for Ben and I!!

I Love My Calling!

Primary is THE. BEST. CALLING. EVER! I mean seriously...there is no other calling in the church in which you have innocent, amazing comments that just stun, amaze and bring tears from laughter!

Today was just one of those days!

First:

During singing time the chorister, Sister Purdie, asked the children "What did Jesus do?". The first response we all heard was, "He got screwed" we all blinked and Sister Purdie looked a bit like Deer in the Headlights. Sister Purdie responded, "He what?!?" and once again the presidency in the back hears the child's response, "He got screwed". All the Presidency is now FULLY curious in WHO was saying this as understanding crossed all our minds and Sister Purdie said, "Oh you mean the nails? He was crucified." "Uh YA!" was the response...like what else would I mean.

The presidency in the back as well as the teachers and pianist were all laughing so hard tears were streaming from our eyes! We then questioned WHO had said the comment. I let that go as I walked to the front to teach sharing time.

The lesson was going well and our sweet, ACTIVE, you can't change me and get me to conform Alexis stands up and walks up to me. I am rather used to this and continued the lesson. As I did this she grabbed my dressed and FLASHED the entire Primary. I grabbed my skirt back down and just stood there. I was blushing beet red, laughing from lack of knowing what to do and honestly just completely shocked. I kept looking at Brother Jensen thinking, "PLEASE oh PLEASE don't have been paying attention in that brief moment!"

I was also VERY thankful for garments and that they cover so well! I was even more grateful that I have lost weight. 1 year ago I didn't wear just below the knee dresses but if I had I would have been EXTREMELY mortified at the situation. I was glad I could just laugh it off!

After Sharing time was over, the Primary President walked up to me and said, "By the way, I thought I would let you know...Lyse was the one who made those comments!" Great! It was MY child!!

Now for the last bit...weight! Today was a momentous occasion in regards to my weight. This morning I stepped on the Wii Fit. I honestly didn't think I had lost much so when I saw the weight that had dropped off, I was in shock and awe!

I have now officially lost more weight than I currently weigh! My weight this morning was 149.5! I am sooo super de duper excited. I had the surgery 1 year ago on July 1st so in 1 year I have lost 150.4 pounds!

And the last announcement: I purchased a new pair of capris...since I only had 1 pair of pants that truly fit me. I grabbed to sizes...one was the hopeful, one was what I thought was the accurate. I was wrong! My hopeful jeans fit me PERFECTLY...and every pair of jeans I tried on were all the same size: size 8!

It honestly feels so great. I feel like me again. I am soooo grateful for the wonderful AMAZING blessing the Lord blessed me with in having my surgery. Even Ben commented the other day that I am more like the woman he married in the beginning: carefree, fun and outgoing. I like being that person a LOT more! I would also hope he could add that I understand life a bit more, I am a little less judgmental and I try harder to be the person Heavenly Father and Christ wants me to be. I know this may sound horrible and bad but honestly with my weight, I lost sight of a lot of that. My weight depressed and drag me down so I was so unhappy that I didn't have the capacity to feel the Spirit as I do now. I am SOOO Grateful for the change!! I am grateful that I can more easily express how I feel on the inside outwardly...and that helps me to feel even better on the inside.

My life is TRULY blessed!

P.S. I know several readers of my blog know me in real life. I know some are family, friends, ward members, etc. I know I talk about my gastric bypass on here a lot and I am NOT embarrassed by it...but I still struggle with it in "the open", the real world. I honestly fear that some are reading this than talking behind my back about it. I still fear those around judge. I can logically see it doesn't but I do get scared and afraid you think I am horrid and stupid for my choice. Please know that if you start to talk to me about it, I am not ignoring you! I am just trying to get used to the fact that my fears are much worse than reality! Thanks Love ya all!!

Judgment

Last post I talked about the judgment people put on those that have weight issues. I don't think there is a person alive that doesn't have a weight issue. Before you judge me on that, hear me out.

I know MANY skinny people that would KILL to be able to gain 20 lbs, put some "meat" on their bones. Some are guys, some are girls. For the guys being too skinny is considered "BAD" by popular choice, while the too skinny girls (whom some have problems with pregnancy due to weight) get the "you are so lucky".

I think MOST the people I know that are "skinny" and just that perfect size, are constantly dieting, exercising and fighting the bulge.

Then you get to the people that are over-weight, obese. These are the ones that fight it day after day. They get the instant judgment.

The other day Ben was talking to me about just that, instant judgment. Ben and I have known each other basically all our lives...we were friends for years and years before we even went on a romantic date. Ben informed me, "You are the you I knew in High School. You are no longer afraid of that instant judgment of your weight so you allow yourself to be put out there more often." I instantly agreed with him.

I was instantly judged everywhere I walked because of my weight. I was judged at the gym, I was judged at the school volunteering. If I dressed in a more slenderizing outfit I would instantly get praise and "you are looking so good". While all that was great, if I wasn't trying to loose weight I knew it was all a facade. I also knew many times it was judgment of "you really need to loose so I am going to encourage to see if I can help you continue".

The judgment you get when overweight and obese was debilitating for me. I tried to avoid social functions, especially if food was involved. I avoided getting together with old friends because I had "let myself go". I often turned to food to solve the problem rather than mentally working through it. I feel horrible that many great friendships were never discovered, lost or abandoned because I feared judgment. I couldn't be enough when I was fat.

Now when I am not enough (which still happens)...I know it isn't my weight. It is simply that I am not perfect.

I have made MANY great mistakes in my lifetime. I have treated loved ones and friends ways I never should have. While you may laugh...many of those were also weight related. I was never enough for my in-laws and they didn't understand me...that is what I saw in my eyes. My weight was the cause of that. While I now see that I was truly right in some of those assumptions, there is also part that I blamed my weight when in reality it wasn't that.

My fear of being judged over my weight put me on super high, overload sensitivity. If I sensed even the littlest of problems I immediately jumped to the greatest reason for it.

Losing weight has helped with much of this. Part has also been I have had to come to terms with myself as a person. Not everyone will like or get along with me. Some people may even hate me. That is the way life is. I can't force friendships, I can't make people like me. Before I just always had a "reason" I could finger for the problem...now I know it just be that we don't get along.

As I previously said, I had to deal with a lot when I underwent Gastric Bypass. There were several months there in which I was not getting more than 2 fl oz (which is about 1/4 cup) worth of food in during the whole day! My foods had to be simple and easy to digest. The smell of almost ALL food made me nauseated to the point I would throw up. Even being in a grocery store parking lot in which there was a fast food joint, the smell of fat in the air would make my mouth water with nausea.

After I was finally able to eat some foods, my small new stomach got an ulcer! I was on daily aspirin for my blood clots...well aspirin causes ulcers. Since my stomach is smaller, even a small ulcer is 10 times worse.

I dealt with a lot and had to come to terms with a lot of my food habits while puking over the porcelain bowl. The desire for fast food was GONE. I can now handle the smell of fast food but try to make it rare and far between (like 1 time in the month of April I took Lyse and Katy to McDonald's and that was for the play land and it was my friend that took them...I just picked them up. I actually kinda wish that I could still smell fat the way I used to...but I am also very grateful that olfactory sense has left. Seriously, no food smelled good. I like that food now smells good to me. I love that I had that time to learn what I needed...to get and gain the habits of healthy foods and eating. I had always been good...now I am even better. Tonight my snack was a hand full of snap peas...1 year ago it would have been a bowl of ice cream or cereal.

Judgment is a strange beast because we live in a world of constant and quick judgment. I am still judged by my weight but it isn't an instant, "that person needs to go on a diet". My relationships haven't all went from toxic to amazing. I will admit some of have gotten better (which in many ways HURTS because I know it was my weight that was stopping it from being good to begin with). Some relationships haven't changed. I don't know of any relationships that have gotten worse. I think the big reason for that is...I myself have changed.

I am no longer the person I was a year ago. I am more outgoing. I don't fear judgment when volunteering or serving. I now feel like I can make a tray of brownies and take them around to friends and ward members and not have them be like, "Oh of course it is the obese lady that brings brownies". I am NOT saying that they would have said that...that is more how I felt they would feel. As I said, I am NOT perfect and I KNOW that my changing attitudes has been the biggest change.

In the end, it breaks my heart that judgment exists. It breaks my heart that I was so judgmental of not only myself but of people and their capacity to love and accept no matter the size. I have true grief over the 7 years I spent obese and 4 years I spent severely obese. I lost those years. I also feel extreme gratitude that those numbers aren't higher, that I can have the life I wanted but was to scared and held back on.

I hope and pray I can remember this lesson and be slower to judge and quicker to love. While the weight loss surgery may seem easy...it wasn't. I had to face all these demons head on and I am still facing some. It sucks at times but I am trying to keep a good attitude about it all. I am forever grateful and hope and pray I can remember this and never go back to the way I was. I never want to be there again.

New Start

1 year ago today I started on a new part of life and weight loss.

I don't ever talk about this with but a few people. I have tried to hide it.

I am NOT ashamed of it in any way. I am afraid of what people will think. I KNOW what some think!

I wish I could tell them what I have learned, what I know and that they are TRULY wrong in their assumption that I took the easy way out.

1 year ago I went to my first meeting for weight loss surgery.

We were truly blessed to have an insurance that paid 100% minus co-pays. That insurance gave me a new life.

The process wasn't LOOOONG and tedious like it can be with some insurances. I started the process on May 6, 2009. My surgery was on July 1, 2009, so just under 2 months...which is basically how long even self paying people have to wait.

There is a process that no matter how quickly you want it done, you still have to meet the process.

First you have to attend a meeting. They discuss all the options, what each entails and then you have time in which you can sit and talk with people that have had the surgery. I originally planned on doing lap band. I walked out of the meeting confident, sure and a re-affirmation from my Father in Heaven that Gastric Bypass was what I was supposed to do. Ben felt the same so that was a great thing.

Then comes the paperwork. You leave the meeting with a HUGE pamphlet that you have to fill out. Important decisions have to be made. One is which surgery. Another is which doctor. I had already felt very inspired to go with Dr. McKinley, after all he was the one that I had found on the internet while in Oklahoma and lead me to that specific practice.

I guess if I really talk about when my process started, I would have to say that it started in April of 2009. That is when I was trying desperately to loose weight and was not loosing any. That is when I had a night I had to read through all my information on insurance for a friend that had the same insurance and needed an answer. That is when I came across the Weight Loss Surgery area of our coverage and had such an overwhelming Spiritual confirmation that it makes me teary even thinking of it.

This decision was not a decision I took lightly. I researched and researched. A big reason I chose to do lap band before the meeting was because it was the safest. Going under the knife to loose weight is serious. I have children. I have to raise those children. Dying on the table while trying to help myself and children in the future...well the children wouldn't have me in the future. I prayed a lot, talked to Ben a lot and then I went to my mom and sister.

Everyone wanted me to do lap band and honestly I was leaning towards it because of safety but as I was lead towards it there was also this burning in my soul that told me Gastric Bypass was what I needed to do.

After the meeting and both my husband and I feeling Gastric Bypass was the answer. I filled out the paper time and had it turned in within a week (including all the copies of medical transcripts from 4 different doctors).

Once my paperwork was turned in then I had to wait. I am not patient...each day that went by I would worry and fret that for some reason my insurance would decide they didn't want to cover the surgery for me.

The day I got the letter in the mail from my insurance was such an amazing day. I was sooooo happy! I was soooo grateful and once again I received Spiritual confirmation that I was doing what I was meant to, that the Lord was guiding me here.

From that point on it was mainly timing with the surgeon and office. I had to attend 2 meetings and a pre-surgery exam. I had to get some blood work up and for 2 weeks before the surgery I had to eat under 1000 calories a day (which I did).

My surgery went perfect, my recovery didn't go perfect. Matter of fact, within the first week I had blood clots and had to go back in for surgery on the 8th of July because of complications. Recovery sucked. Anyone that was around me and supporting me during that time will fully agree that my choice for weight loss surgery was not the easy way out.

The first time I had to walk after the surgery I thought I would die. Laughing made me cry not because of joy. Food was NOT my friend...I couldn't even eat 1 fl. oz of food, much less the 2 fl. oz.

My stomach caused many problems for many months and honestly it took me 4 months to be able to eat 2 fl. oz. size portions. I can now eat 6-8 fl oz worth of food but try to stick to 2-4 fl. oz. serving sizes.

I started my surgery at 300 lbs...today 10 months and 6 days after the surgery I weigh 159 lbs. My doctor figured I would loose to about 180. I have had to work hard and a lot. I have to turn down food that looks good because I know my body shouldn't have it. I still have to have will power. I am NOT perfect but I am trying.

Writing about this is one of the hardest things I do. I think the biggest reason I dared do it was because I know very few people read my blog.

I want to be able to share, I want to get past the judgment that I know many people place on those that have Gastric Bypass Surgery. I want them to know it is NOT the easy way out and you still have to make choices daily. I can still get fat again if I make the wrong choices. The differences is it has allowed me to get skinny!!! I am FINALLY able to do it. I have learned so much and I will write more about it, but for now my children want me to take them for a bike ride and I can do that...something that 1 year ago I could not.

Gastric Bypass gave me back my life. That is something that I will be eternally grateful for!

Wahoo Moment!

Today I put on a skirt I got from my sister. It is an cute Old Navy skirt. The Wahoo part...






It was a size 4!







Yep you read that correctly, it was a size 4! I was just as shocked as you are. Even though I am pretty darn sure the skirt size is running big (by a lot), I am a bit excited to own a skirt from a "real store" with that size on it. It has been a LONG weight loss journey and lately with the rash of birthdays and birthday treats, honestly I am just grateful I am not in a sugar induce coma weighing 50 lbs more than before March 24th!!!




I plan an update SOON! about all the fun birthdays (mine and Ben's 30th birthdays as well as Lyse's 5th). The picture above and below are of my fun new birthday do's. Thanks Marci for the awesome job and Jana for making it free! You guys are amazing!!!

Sorry to keep a negative post up for so long. Things have gotten much better and my outlook on life is much brighter (unless you count the floors that need mopped...with that I have a very, very dark outlook on life). I HATE HATE HATE mopping floors.

On a brighter side, I love to cook and today I get to do that. My bananas are all brown and nasty...perfect for delicious banana bread! I have already made the buttermilk substitute (vinegar and skim milk...much less fat and same great taste). I have the recipe sitting on the counter next to the butter that is thawing and bananas that are nastily ripe.

Why am I here typing instead of making the delicious bread that is a family favorite? I made myself promise I wouldn't do any fun baking until the nasty floors are mopped :( I hate keeping promises to myself!

Music

I love music.

I adore music.

Music brings me peace.

Music brings me happiness.

I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that has given me music. I am also grateful to parents that helped foster that love with always singing, listening to music and giving us the opportunity to take piano lessons!

I miss not having a piano to play. I loved Sunday mornings spending a couple hours at the piano playing different songs. I cherished that time. I loved to play different songs and sing along with them. I used to spend hours doing that.

Once I was married and had kids, my parents purchased us a piano. The piano was great until the electronics on it went out :(

I want a piano. I really really want a piano. We just don't have the room for a real one and we just don't have the money for an electronic one. You can pick up a real one in good condition for $300-400. An electronic one...not so much.

I wish I could make my condo grow by 125 sq ft. Add 1 bedroom and 1 extra little space for a piano! I want the piano not only for me but for my girls. I want my children to have the opportunity with the piano and learning to play as I did.

I hope and pray I am able to provide that to them!

I have a plan. Once Ben gets a job, I am going to try and save up money for an electronic piano. Once I have the money for the piano, I am going to sell my dresser in my room and purchase with that money a chest instead. That way less floor room will be taken up in my bedroom. I will then have room to put a piano in my room. I know it isn't the perfect place for a piano, but it is a piano in the house!

Now to save the $1000-1500. I think I can do it!! I am praying for help to see the opportunities to earn, save and eventually obtain my goal!