Sunday, February 28, 2010


I love music.

I adore music.

Music brings me peace.

Music brings me happiness.

I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that has given me music. I am also grateful to parents that helped foster that love with always singing, listening to music and giving us the opportunity to take piano lessons!

I miss not having a piano to play. I loved Sunday mornings spending a couple hours at the piano playing different songs. I cherished that time. I loved to play different songs and sing along with them. I used to spend hours doing that.

Once I was married and had kids, my parents purchased us a piano. The piano was great until the electronics on it went out :(

I want a piano. I really really want a piano. We just don't have the room for a real one and we just don't have the money for an electronic one. You can pick up a real one in good condition for $300-400. An electronic one...not so much.

I wish I could make my condo grow by 125 sq ft. Add 1 bedroom and 1 extra little space for a piano! I want the piano not only for me but for my girls. I want my children to have the opportunity with the piano and learning to play as I did.

I hope and pray I am able to provide that to them!

I have a plan. Once Ben gets a job, I am going to try and save up money for an electronic piano. Once I have the money for the piano, I am going to sell my dresser in my room and purchase with that money a chest instead. That way less floor room will be taken up in my bedroom. I will then have room to put a piano in my room. I know it isn't the perfect place for a piano, but it is a piano in the house!

Now to save the $1000-1500. I think I can do it!! I am praying for help to see the opportunities to earn, save and eventually obtain my goal!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Kicked from the club

In different professions there are different "clubs". In almost all of those professions there is a "spouse club". The club that is the common ground for all the spouses that went through the ordeal of getting that profession, even though they weren't the ones training or getting the education.

Doctors wives (and husbands) have a bond because they went through med school. They lived the life and have a similar story. Same goes for Law school.

In the flight world, pilot wives stick together. They understand each other and the hardships the career can be on the family and marriage. Having the spouse gone all the time, missing important events, having to worry if they will be in the state when a baby is born, etc.

In the ATC world there was also a wives club. The club that I was a part of. I made friends that I cherished and was grateful to have. We had a common link...a job that our husband's had. A stressful job that required a lot.

When Ben lost his job, I lost my club. I don't think any of the friends I made through the process tried to shun me, it just happened.

Ben lost his club too. Friends that he spent a year with, struggling through classes with.

This loss has really been one of the hardest.

Loosing a job SUCKS. The loss of friendship because you lost the job that brought the friendship, that just hurts on a whole new level.

I don't get why Ben can't be friends with the guys that came to our house, ate dinner with us, played games with us. At the same time I DO know why. We had one guy over, just long enough to drop off stuff and you could TOTALLY see how uncomfortable he now was to be in our home. I wish it weren't so, it weren't true. The truth is: it is the way it is.

I am friends on Facebook with many people from Oklahoma and our time with the FAA. I am wanting to delete them but it makes me so sad to think about deleting them. There is NO reason I should be friends with some of them yet erasing them from Facebook makes it real, make that chapter really close. Some of these people I am not close friends with at all. Why am I holding on to them as facebook friends? It is torture to keep and feels like it will kill me to delete them.

I honestly think some would be relieved to not have me be a friend. They wouldn't have to see the "this could have been you" reminder. It is easier to have me not in the club at all but they feel the same way and don't want to be the ones that do the booting. I am the person in the room that no one wants there, including myself, but no one has the courage to say, "You really don't belong here anymore".

I don't want that chapter to close! I don't want to close the door on the friendship even though I know it is for the best. A friendship is no longer there, the club doors have been slammed in my face.

Even though I lived those events and went through hard times and similar experiences with those people, they no longer have an obligation to be my friend due to work. I still want to be their friends and I would hope they still want to be mine but I don't know. I do know that the awkwardness is dragging and painful.

I joined the club and now I have to leave. It hurts!!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Staying positive in an internet based world can be hard at times.

I have DEFINITELY made my fair share of mistakes in airing dirty laundry for all to read.

I regret that.

I don't regret having aired the laundry as much as I regret not having stayed positive. Why did I let the negativity that can so EASILY be found on the internet affect me? Yes I had crappy things happen in my life at the times I posted those things. Yes I had the right to share those.

I guess what I regret is that by posting those many might think I am a negative person or hold grudges. The truth is I try hard to stay positive and not hold a grudge. I know of some that would disagree with that but I would just have to tell them sorry.

Feeling lost, not needed and unsure of your future brings the negativity in boat loads. I am trying to focus on the positive while at the same time my past mistakes have hit me in the face.

I am sorry for not staying positive. I am sorry for venting frustrations. Yes I have the right but just because I have the right to do something doesn't mean I will like the consequences of that.

I hope and pray that the Lord will continue to bless my family and our situation. In praying for that I feel the need to say, I am sorry! I am sorry if I have offended or hurt. I am sorry if I said something in anger.

I am working on improving. One step to improving is admitting you are not perfect and saying sorry for wrongs you have committed. I have committed a LOT of wrongs and honestly, I wish I wasn't so me at times!

I also try hard! I honestly never want to hurt anyone.

This blog was a fresh start. My last blog was lost to the wayside due to lack of funds to renew the name. This blog has new hopes and dreams. I hope it can also show growth. I want it to show improvement. I want it to be positive (not only for me but for any that might find it).

One positive step forward each day...that is my goal. I know it will not be easy always. This is a place to vent for me. I am hoping I can vent about my frustrations in unemployment, parenting, loving and living without offending those that read. I hope I can do this and maintain a happy positive environment! If at anytime you see me slip, please don't hesitate to let me know!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

One step of improvement

I love a clean house and when I say love I mean LOOOOOOOOVVVE! My problem is that when I get down and depressed, getting and keeping it that way is hard. Once I fall behind it seems to be a pit that I can never crawl out of.

I fell into that pit right before going to Washington DC. I cleaned some and made sure the house was tidy but it wasn't wasn't that deep down clean that I LOVE! When we left for DC I didn't have my house spotless, when we came home I didn't work towards spotless and it has just spiraled out of control from there.

A couple days ago I woke up to a realization of my situation. My job as homemaker was usurped but not only because of Ben loosing his job but because I CHOSE to give him the job and walk away from it. I still can choose each day to perform my normal tasks. I get a choice and that choice makes a BIG impact on how I feel about myself and my house.

My mood is strongly tied to the state my house is in and vice versa. When I am happy, my house is clean. When I am sad, my house falls apart at the seams.

I know my "fall apart at the seams" is a completely different meaning than what many would think. My fall apart is when my sink is not always empty; my floors not always swept, vacuumed and picked up; the bathrooms clean; rooms clean and the last and admittedly ODD closets and cupboards all cleaned out and organized.

I can't stand knowing a closet isn't put together, organized. I HATE it. It eats away at me until other things in my house start falling apart. It is as though everything doesn't have a place so instead of being put away it becomes cluttered.

A couple days ago I decided I was done. I went in and cleaned out the girls room. 4 bags of toys and a neat, organized room later, I started to feel better. Yesterday I got to work on the rest of the house. Today I worked on my room. I almost have my spotless house. It is no longer falling apart at the seams.

As I watch my house come together one closet and room at a time (yes I do this about every 2-3 months) I feel my life fall back into place. I can see a light, an improvement.

My life is not perfect right now but I am gonna try my hardest to keep my attitude (and in turn my house) in order. That brings me peace, and honestly I could always use more peace in my life!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Been a while

Tonight I did something I haven't done in a LONG LONG time.

I applied for a job!

I was scared, nervous and wanted my husband to sit by my side and hold my hand while I filled out the application. How pathetic is that?!?! To reassure you, he didn't and wouldn't. He was fine with me applying and we would both be a bit relieved if I got the job; HOWEVER, he knew I needed to do it. He was helpful, supportive, kind and listened to all my "does this sound ok" blurbs.

Please pray for and with me on this job! We could really use it and this could really help us out a TON! It is a good job in that after training is over, I can work from home. I love that because when Ben gets a job, I could keep this for a while to help supplement or even better to help us get back on top of it all.

I am nervous. I am scared. I think I would like and enjoy this job. I KNOW I would like and enjoy the perks.

I love being a Stay at Home Mom and giving up that title would be hard. In the same sentence I also want to add that I don't feel like I would have to completely give up that title because even though I would be employed, I would be home. I would only be working part time and honestly, I could fold laundry and such while helping customers on the phone.

I worry if I were to get the job what I would have to give up. Would carpool still work? Would my kids get neglected? Would I have to work Sundays and loose my calling? These are all thoughts and concerns.

My other thoughts and concerns... We only have 8 weeks of unemployment left, we might get the emergency, we might now. We need to have some income to help cover expenses. Ben is working on getting a job but getting $12/hour job will not maintain this household. I want to pay my bills, I want to have some financial security.

My biggest fear of all is: am I following the Lord's plan for me and my family here or am I taking this all into my own hands and trying to make it work? This has been a HUGE one for me to contemplate, think about and stew over. In apply for this job that was the number 1 concern I had. I have decided that I am going to take all the opportunities put in front of me and do what I can with them.

This job opening was only open for 6 hours today. My application had to be turned in by 10 pm tonight. I decided to go for it. I am now putting the rest in the Lord's hands. If I am meant to leave my current position of Stay at Home Mom and enter the world of Customer Service, I pray the application will go through and the job be offered to me. If I am supposed to stay where I am and not get a job, I pray the application will be overlooked.

Please pray for the same with me! Pray that the Lord's will be done and I can accept that, whatever it may be!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

When we're helping we're happy...

Lately both Ben and I have felt completely overwhelmed with the house and work that needs done. It seemed as though we couldn't stay afloat. You would think with 2 of us home all day more could and would get done but it seems we fall behind faster and further. It has been put it lightly.

I feel as though I am doing everything and getting no help.

Ben feels as though he is doing everything and getting no help.

We are not making headway.

The other day we were talking about the dynamics of our situation. His being unemployed can cause days of great depression when all you want to do is sit in front of the computer vegging out to games or shows all the while eating a box of chocolates. Ok so the chocolates part is made up but the computer vegging unfortunately isn't.

As we talked we realized much was getting done but as we were working on completing different chores and tasks around the house we had others that weren't working towards that goal with us.

Our children have always been good about helping out but recently that has changed. I would get dinner almost complete and ask one to come help set the table only to be setting the table myself 10 minutes later. After dinner I would ask for help and instead I would be sitting at the table with a sink full of dishes and no desire to clean up from a meal I just spent an hour fixing.

I am not doing it anymore!! This is all changing this week. A full force Chore Chart has been put into place. The chart should be finished tomorrow, Friday at the latest. The Chores have already started, so have the vocal revolts. The girls have been less than thrilled with seeing ALL they have to do.

In one day each child will have 7 magnets that are moved from the "to do" side to the "finished" side. Each chore is minimal. Instead of putting a "homework" magnet, I broke it down to math, spelling and reading. They will both also have a "make bed" magnet. I then have a magnet for cleaning the table off after dinner, setting the table for dinner, doing the dishes, unloading the dishwasher, picking up barbies and picking up dress up clothes. They will each have 3 of those jobs along with the homework and bed magnets each day that they need to complete. The next day they will have the alternate jobs. I have broke this all down into color coordination to days and a magnet with each chore for each day, so we can see which days got missed on chores.

I am hoping this doesn't overwhelm us all, especially me! Many of the things they had always helped with until routines were thrown askew when Ben lost his job. Getting back on track is always hard.

Already I see hope and I am a happier mom. It was so nice to cook dinner tonight and only worry about cooking. While I was making dinner, Katy loaded the dishes from the sink into the dishwasher. Lyse came in and set the table. When dinner was complete I didn't feel overwhelmed from setting the table, washing the dishes from making dinner and making dinner. After dinner, Lyse cleared the table and helped finish loading dishes in the dishwasher since Katy had unloaded the dishwasher earlier.

Following dinner, Katy started in on her homework (we try to do it before dinner but tonight it didn't work). While Katy did her reading, math and spelling, Lyse picked up the Barbies. Even though it was a little more work for me right now, it is still less. I know that makes no sense whatsoever but it is coming from my brain and not much makes sense coming from my brain!

I do know that I feel relief! I feel happiness! I see my girls excited to complete their tasks. I see their excitement to have a goal to work towards and accomplish. I see (especially in Katy) the excitement in helping me.

I am thankful that I was inspired to start this chore system formally. We had always had them help but never in an organized matter. I think I am going to like this organization!

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Friday I went to a surgeon about my embarrassing little mishap. He agreed it was not a good situation and actually said IMMEDIATE surgery was needed.

So Friday night I spent the night in the hospital all drugged up. They sent me home later that evening drugged up, drowsy and nauseated. Boy was I nauseated. Driving in the car caused me to hurl. Lucky for me, there was nothing in my stomach too hurl!

Recovery has been slow but good. I can see improvements.

For example:

Friday: I started out taking a 7.5 Lortab every 4 hours. At 3 hours I was couting down the minutes until I could take another because the pain was so intense.

Saturday Early Morning: Nauseated, sick, sore and tired. Start bath water and fall asleep in warm bath water. Wake up an hour or so later to cold bath water. Slowly and gingerly get out of tub and climb back in bed.

Saturday morning: I puked up all Lortab, food and any other item that went through my stomach region. After an amazing phone call and wonder drugs called "anti-nausea pills" I was finally able to keep not only water and food down, but even the more needed pain pills down.

Saturday afternoon: Able to keep more than just crackers down, can go 5 hours between pain pills and pain only starts again after 4 hours.

Saturday late afternoon: Nice hot bath is drawn. Enjoy a nice hour nap in warm water. Wake up to cold water. Restart water to warm up then get my raisin skinned body out of the tub.

Saturday night: This is a big one...I switched from the 7.5 Lortab to the 5 Lortab.

Early Morning (like 3:00 am) Sunday: Up taking a bath, praying that Lortab would kick in quicker. Fall asleep in tub.

Later Early Morning Sunday: Wake up in cold bath water and race to bed with electric blanket.

Sunday Morning: Switch from Lortab to Ibuprofen...been on Ibuprofen ever since.

Sunday Afternoon: Take a hot bath wishing I hadn't promised myself only Ibuprofen for the rest of the day...praying the water had a narcotic in it! Fall asleep in warm bath water. Wake up to cold bath water and 2 little girls leering over me talking to each other. Conversation goes something like this:

K - "How long has she been in here?"

L - "I don't know, a LONG time. Do you think she is dead?"

K - "No she is moving and breathing."

L - "The water isn't very warm anymore. I think she must be cold. What do you think she is doing?"

K - "I don't really know."

Me - "Girls go out"

Girls scream

L - "You scared us"

Me - "Um ya some privacy please"

2 little girls run out of the bathroom, laughing and talking about how they thought for sure I was dead in the water and how it was so strange that I had been in there for so long.

Sunday Night : Forget my promise to myself...Lortab is my friend tonight. Don't worry I will stick to the lower doseage one :)

The one trend I see in this whole thing: I have gotten a LOT of bath time in, something I don't normally get and my kids OBVIOUSLY are finding it weird.

The one thing I have learned: waking up in cold bath water is NOT, let me repeat NOT, fun. Someone needs to invent something that keeps the water circulating and warm for as long as you are in the tub!!

I am healing and so grateful I am! Now lets just hope hospital bills don't send us to the courthouse filing bankruptcy!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My friend, Loratab

Recently I have a personal injury that has been EXTREMELY painful. I dealt with the pain for days because the embarrassment of seeing a doctor was worse. Today I finally lost it and broke down and called for an appoint.

Luckily the doctor was no more comfortable in our conversation of my body than I was. He was kind but also very concerned. We discussed my situation (including the fact that I only have insurance until February 28, 2010) and he told me even without the insurance hurry, it was an emergency situation that I needed to get to a surgeon for. Oh the joy!

My consolation prize for a horribly embarrassing doctors visit that I get to repeat with another doctor tomorrow or Tuesday? Loratab. Not sure if I like the consolation prize, would rather not have the problem. Although tonight I KNOW I am going to sleep like a baby. Loratab not only makes me ditzy and out of will knock me out!

So good night world...I am going to enjoy my consolation prize and bed!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Missed this

Today I realized I need a release. I have missed my blog so deeply. Not having the money to renew the name about killed me. Not having the money for anything has about killed me recently.

I will admit it: I am suffering from depression! I don't know how I can continue on day in and day out pretending that all is fine and the world is a sunny place full of rainbows and unicorns. It isn't very sunny in my little world right now. It feels pretty dark and dreary.

Not to start this off depressing or anything. I am blessed. I have joy. I have a husband that loves me. I have children that are healthy and mostly happy. Today we have a roof over our heads and bills paid.

Tomorrow is my concern. I know that I should take "no heed for the morrow for it will take care of itself" but that is HARD for a planner like myself. Ben not having a job going on 2 months is really starting to wear me down.

When will the money run out? What happens then? Today I stick within my budget. Today I did all I could to conserve what little we have. Each day I do that same thing: conserve all that I can...only necessities are purchased. I try not to think of the future but the future comes each day as I wake up!

Children help and hinder this at the same time. How can you wish away days of their lives? You can't. While at the same time, how do you not plan for their future? You can't. I feel stuck.

I LOVE birthdays!!! Each year at this time I start planning and prepping for our "birthday season" in which 3 of the 4 of us have birthdays in 3 weeks. This year they concern me. How do I buy a present for my baby? How do I buy a present for my love? How do I make that day special when I don't want to look forward to any date in the future...I don't even want to live the day I currently am blessed with. I feel HORRID for feeling this way but it is how I feel.

Ben and I both turn the big 3- 0. Following that my BABY turns 5!!! 5 people!!! How on earth did she grow so big? My big baby turns the big 8 and gets baptized this summer. So many milestones that are big ones, scary ones and although they should be celebrated ones, they also bring me sadness. How did I get so old? What have I accomplished in my lifetime of 30 freakin' years? What have I accomplished in my childrens' lifetimes?

My arms are so grateful to have the 2 I have but I would be a liar if I said that my arms didn't ache for another. It isn't just my arms either. My entire body desires another little one to snuggle, bathe, love and cherish. As if my body and its' desire to never carry a baby wasn't bad enough, not having a job or income to pay for one just makes the situation worse.

The gym has been a saving grace. Yes I just called the GYM (that dreaded hated place) my saving grace. I work out until I can't move. I feel the burn and push harder. At least I can see improvement on how far I go, how long I can do each work out. At least I can have control over that one little aspect of my life.

Not having the ability to plan our future hurts so deeply! I have to keep reminding myself that not having a future to plan would be worse though~!

I have missed blogging. The cleansing it provides and helps me to see a bit more clearly.

Unemployment does suck. Being Healthy and having Healthy children is a blessing! No money is stressful, worrisome and tiring. Having children to laugh with and at is a blessing! I am greatly blessed. My Savior and Heavenly Father have GREATLY blessed me through this trial...keeping the hope and faith is the hard part.

This is my story, my adventure into the horrible world of unemployment!