Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Missed this

Today I realized I need a release. I have missed my blog so deeply. Not having the money to renew the name about killed me. Not having the money for anything has about killed me recently.

I will admit it: I am suffering from depression! I don't know how I can continue on day in and day out pretending that all is fine and the world is a sunny place full of rainbows and unicorns. It isn't very sunny in my little world right now. It feels pretty dark and dreary.

Not to start this off depressing or anything. I am blessed. I have joy. I have a husband that loves me. I have children that are healthy and mostly happy. Today we have a roof over our heads and bills paid.

Tomorrow is my concern. I know that I should take "no heed for the morrow for it will take care of itself" but that is HARD for a planner like myself. Ben not having a job going on 2 months is really starting to wear me down.

When will the money run out? What happens then? Today I stick within my budget. Today I did all I could to conserve what little we have. Each day I do that same thing: conserve all that I can...only necessities are purchased. I try not to think of the future but the future comes each day as I wake up!

Children help and hinder this at the same time. How can you wish away days of their lives? You can't. While at the same time, how do you not plan for their future? You can't. I feel stuck.

I LOVE birthdays!!! Each year at this time I start planning and prepping for our "birthday season" in which 3 of the 4 of us have birthdays in 3 weeks. This year they concern me. How do I buy a present for my baby? How do I buy a present for my love? How do I make that day special when I don't want to look forward to any date in the future...I don't even want to live the day I currently am blessed with. I feel HORRID for feeling this way but it is how I feel.

Ben and I both turn the big 3- 0. Following that my BABY turns 5!!! 5 people!!! How on earth did she grow so big? My big baby turns the big 8 and gets baptized this summer. So many milestones that are big ones, scary ones and although they should be celebrated ones, they also bring me sadness. How did I get so old? What have I accomplished in my lifetime of 30 freakin' years? What have I accomplished in my childrens' lifetimes?

My arms are so grateful to have the 2 I have but I would be a liar if I said that my arms didn't ache for another. It isn't just my arms either. My entire body desires another little one to snuggle, bathe, love and cherish. As if my body and its' desire to never carry a baby wasn't bad enough, not having a job or income to pay for one just makes the situation worse.

The gym has been a saving grace. Yes I just called the GYM (that dreaded hated place) my saving grace. I work out until I can't move. I feel the burn and push harder. At least I can see improvement on how far I go, how long I can do each work out. At least I can have control over that one little aspect of my life.

Not having the ability to plan our future hurts so deeply! I have to keep reminding myself that not having a future to plan would be worse though~!

I have missed blogging. The cleansing it provides and helps me to see a bit more clearly.

Unemployment does suck. Being Healthy and having Healthy children is a blessing! No money is stressful, worrisome and tiring. Having children to laugh with and at is a blessing! I am greatly blessed. My Savior and Heavenly Father have GREATLY blessed me through this trial...keeping the hope and faith is the hard part.

This is my story, my adventure into the horrible world of unemployment!

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