Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Endless Possibilities

Jetblue was having a 25% off TrueBlue Points bookings. On a whim, I checked to see what we had for points. 


Points to get to NY 7500 per person one way.

I booked it!  Ben and I are going POSITIVE space to NY for our anniversary in November.  We will have to fly home standby...but I am cool with that! :)

I am sooooo freaking excited! 

In my mind we are going to:

Fly to Boston - cause I have never been to Boston in the Fall :)

Go to Niagra Falls and go over to the Canadian side to see the falls (cause I hear they are prettiest over there).

Go to Palmyra and Sacred Grove and spend some real time there.

Go to Maine and drive the coast to see at least 21 light houses.

Go to Washington DC and see all the museums we have missed in the past.

Go to Gettysburg again.

Go on a cruise out of FLL.

Go see Vermont in it's fall foliage glory!

Warm my body and feet in the white beach sands of Aruba.

Snorkel in the aqua waters of Barbados!

Enjoy the Dutch life on the island of St. Marteen!

Explore the jungles of Columbia!

Spend the day in NYC, go to the Statue of Liberty.  Go to Central Park.  See the city (a whole different jungle)!

Maybe we spend a little money to go on Aer Lingus and get ourselves a little Irish accent or travel Lufthansa Air and see Germany or my dream visit Rome and Italy!

Ok in reality I KNOW we can't do all this.  The possibilities just seem limitless since I know we will be getting out of SLC into NY and from there we can fly standby to any other city we desire to visit.  I know I can actually PLAN something somewhere cause I know we will be in NYC on Nov 1.  Since NYC is the main hub the locations we can go to are endless!  Add in the other airlines that we get standby discounts on and the thoughts of spending a couple days in Europe gets my head bobbing.

Now to decide what we really want to do and where we want to go!  Do we want fall weather and cozy fire romantic or do we want tropical destination with beach romantic?  Do we go for adventure and try out Rome or Germany or Ireland?  Hmmm...decisions, decisions!

Now I gotta work more hours each week for the next few months so I can save up the $$$ for what is bound to be an AMAZING anniversary getaway!!!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Living vs. Surviving

I feel so alone.

Ben was out of town working this last weekend.

Every time I called my sister, she never answered.  Katy had plans to do stuff with her but I never got in touch with her, she never really called back :(

My other friends I texted to get together and hang never responded.

I felt so alone all weekend.  I hate that feeling.  Each time I felt it I thought, "you have your girls and you always have prayer" but I PHYSICALLY needed another adult.  That was hard.

I feel like a crap mom.  I wish I could get out of this horrid funk I am in!  I have NO energy and I right now I just have the mentality of please let me make it through the day...it's not living, it's surviving.

Life is hard, I know.  Life is also a journey.  A journey I am missing out on daily cause honestly each day I am just wanting and waiting for the day to just be over so I can go back to bed.  That is no way to live life!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Noses are wonderful things!

I had to write this down cause it was so cute!

Yesterday, Katy, Lyse and myself were at Jana's house for a bit.  Lyse came running to me and said, "Mom, come here you gotta come here!"

I followed her outside to the front yard and we were standing on the stairs and she said, "Mom smell that?  It smells like rain!"

I took a big whiff of the air and she was right...it did smell like rain!  How did she get so smart to know the smell of rain?

And true to her nose...the rain started to fall about 10 minutes later!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Why so tired?

So what has been going on in our lives?  Well...we will start on the 4th of July.

The 4th of July we had breakfast with Ben parents and sister and her kids.  We then went and hiked the Lake Blanche trail.  We didn't finish the trail cause Dustin was struggling with breathing and being light headed (almost made it to the lake when we turned around cause he wasn't doing well).  We hiked about 5 1/2-6 miles round trip.  We then went back to Ben's parents to a BBQ with all his family.

The 5th of July we got up and went to the zoo with my mom.  It was super fun.  There was Brookie, Dustin, Katy, Lyse, Keira and Ryker.  Tayler came and met us with her brothers and friend.  It was a lot of fun and we LOVED seeing the Polar Bear.  We got home from the zoo, I went straight to work and then when I got off work we went out to celebrate my dad's 61st birthday.

The 6th of July was my dad's birthday.  The girls and I got up super early and flew with my parents out to Long Beach for a couple hours.  It was SUPER fun.  We went out to Huntington Beach and we ate at Ruby's Diner on the pier.  We got to watch surfers and even a pod of dolphins swam by!  It really was fun!  The girls and I flew home on the afternoon flight and were home when Ben got home from work.  That night we went to movie in the park (even though I was exhausted) and we played Cataan with the missionaries at Jana's house for a bit.

The 7th of July we got up and headed up to Idaho for Ben's Grandpa Myler's 80th birthday.  It was fun going to the ranch and seeing all his family.  I LOVE his grandparents so much and am so blessed that I have gotten to call them family and have them as my grandparents for the last 11 years!  They are wonderful.  After a shotgun shoot off at the ranch we headed to Blackfoot to see Grandpa and Grandma Hawker.  Once again - LOVE them and so super blessed to have them as my grandparents.  I adore Grandpa Hawker.  I always feel so much love from him!  Grandma told us about the park and all the fun festivities going on so we took the kids to the Blackfoot founder day celebration (or something like that).  They loved the ping pong ball drop (the pilot of an airplane flew over and dropped a bunch of ping pong balls out for kids and adults to get).  It was a lot of fun and it was fun to spend some time with Ben's cousin, aunt and uncle for a few.  We then headed home.  We got Spencer and Isaac in our car and it was a blast.  Seriously so fun playing games, laughing, singing and getting truckers to honk at us!

Sunday we got up and went to church.  I wasn't feeling "it" and was struggling to be there.  Then a huge blessing walked in the door...Jana and her kids came and sat by us.  LOVED it!  Seriously it was what I needed to make it through the day!  After church Jana came to the house and we fixed dinner, played games and just hung out.  At around 8 we drove to Ben's parents and picked up Spencer, Isaac and Eric to have a sleep over.  The kids did a fashion show for us and it was fun to see the cousins play.

Monday morning we got up and made breakfast.  Once the kids had eaten they built forts in the living room and then after cleaning it all up we went to Seven Peaks water park.  It was a bit of a time to get there between having to get cash from Ben at his work and having to drive back home cause I had left the pump on the air conditioner but forgot to turn on the cooler.  We then got stuck in traffic on the freeway (an accident or something had it all backed up).  We got to the park and enjoyed a good 2 hours and then we had to head home.  I took Dustin, Brookie, Katy and Elyse to Jana at her house, came home and showered and headed with Ben to pick up my free organ!  YAY for facebook and friends moving and no longer wanting their organ!  I am excited to get to practice it some more!  I left straight from there to a work meeting.  The work meeting was fun and I do enjoy time with my co-workers.  I got home about 10:40 that night.

I need to add...Monday morning something possessed me (I don't know what) to go get my baby clothes and start going through and getting rid.  I pulled all 11 bins into the house.  While the kids were running around making forts and destroying the house, I was busy destroying it while sorting clothes.  Oy Vey!  Seriously...wowza!  I went through all the clothes, sorted out my favorites and then put the rest in piles to give away.  I have given away almost all the clothes now!  YAY!  I have 2 garbage sacks left to give and we are done.  The crazy thing is I still have 3 bins of baby clothes in my garage.  Just could not part with my favorites!  But hey...at least we are 8 bins down!

So Monday night after the work meeting my co-worker came and got some clothes.  I got home and in bed around midnight after getting her home and going and getting Katy from Jana's (she didn't want to sleep over).

Tuesday I was TIRED and I couldn't figure out why!  LOL  We hung around the house.  I cleaned out the baby clothes more and got them put back in bins.  That night Jana came over with the kids and we hung out for a couple hours.  We were going to watch a movie but it was late so we decided to get together on Wed.  Ben had a BAD day at work on Tuesday with his microsoft certification test so I was glad to go to bed on Tuesday hoping for a better day Wednesday.

Wednesday I had the day off work and I had plans to do this and that all day but honestly I mainly just bummed around the house.  I was TIRED still.  My lack of sleep and running all over the country had caught up with me.  We did a couple things and then I had a dental appt (ouchie...my gums and tooth still hurt!) and then Jana and the kids came over for dinner.  Katy and Dustin went for a run and didn't come back when they were supposed to so there was a frantic search around the neighborhood for them...I was the last to get home and Ben had left a 2nd time to go look for me.  He was less than thrilled.  During this whole fiasco...our oven died!  We are now down a microwave, dishwasher and oven.  Our kitchen isn't exactly a working kitchen!

Wednesday night we went to bed and I was grateful to just have the day over.  It was long and hard.

Thursday I had to work for a bit and I was in tons and tons of pain from that "little" dental procedure.  OUCH!  We kept it low key and I took the kids to Grandmas to play while I worked in the afternoon.  As I was at my mom's house picking up the kids after work my mom said, "you need to write down what you have done for the last week so one day you can look back and say....yup I was just as busy then!"

Today - well this morning I got up, took Bart and Debbie's bounce house to a neighborhood carnival and when I got home I thought of my mom's advise.  So here I am writing my craziness of the last week before I have to go and sign into work.

I really am grateful I got to play so much with my kids this last week.  I am grateful for our pass of all passes.  I am grateful for my job and that I work with WONDERFUL people and that I get to fly to places like California for free!

I really wish my kitchen appliances would stop dying.  I wish it would rain more (most days have been over 100 this last week) and that gas wasn't so expensive.

Overall...I think I need a week of sleep to catch up with my crazy busy week of traveling, organizing and chaos; however, in thick and thin I am blessed to have a wonderful house in a wonderful neighborhood with amazing neighbors and that I have family to experience my life with! :)

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I don't know but I know someone that does!

I am just not sure how it all will and does work out.

Today things happened and I wonder "why"?  Why when you have been kicked and prodded are you thrown more crap?  Why not just a break?  Are we meant for something different?

Then other days things work out that you wish wouldn't and you think, "Ok this was not the things I wanted!"

Creating and keeping happiness through it all is the key.  At times I fail, miserably.  At times I fail, slightly.  At times I succeed.  Other times I am a complete success.  The difference in them all...I honestly don't know.  I always try to have the good but sometimes after a long time of dealing with something it is just easier to complain.  Complaining is the #1 way to fail, yet I still do it.  (Oh and honestly my mood is GREATLY contributed to by A:  my time of the month cycle B: How well my husband is handling and coping with the situation at hand)

Today I just feel so lost.  I don't know what I should do or how I should go about doing it.  I try to listen to inspiration.  I try to listen and follow the teachings of the church.  I try and many times I fail.  Lately each time we fail I remind myself that it is only through failure that you learn.  The problem is I think:  What can I learn from this cause I keep having the same problem!!

Sometimes our bag of rocks is just that...our own bag of rocks.  We may not like them.  They get heavy at times.  Sometimes we feel like they will chock and/or kill us.  Some people allow them to.  When my bag is just too heavy, lately I try to remember my Savior suffered EVERYTHING for me.  He felt and CARRIED my bag of rocks.  He understands them.  He knows what I am going through.  He can make them lighter.  When I do all I can do, He can help me complete the task at hand.

I have a greater understanding of my Savior, His atonement and more importantly His love.

I am not perfect.  I am not the kindest, most loving, selfless wife, mother and person.  I complain WAY to often and regret it even more.  I have a hard time seeing the things to be grateful for when I feel like the water I am treading has bigger waves each day and they are lapping my head.  My imperfections can be made whole if I can just trust and have faith in my Savior and His Atonement.  He makes me whole TODAY not when I die.

I forget this often and even though I TRY to remember, there are times my bag of rocks once again becomes to heavy and I say, "no one understands".  There are times I try to convince myself that not even Ben can fully understand my sorrow.  I am wrong at these times, so very, very wrong.

I don't know the answers.  I don't know where to go, how to get there and how to make it all work.  I am sooooo grateful for a Savior and Heavenly Father.  My Heavenly Father does answer my prayers.  I know this without a doubt.  He listens to me whine and complain and then when I bend as far as I can and as long as I remember My Savior is willing and waiting to step in and help lift the burden.  My Father in Heaven then reminds me with sweet whisperings from the Holy Ghost, "This is your answer.  These are your blessings from these trials."

I had this EXACT answer this last Sunday in church.  During the Sacrament I was pleading for understanding, for blessings.  A few minutes later as I looked at my sister and her kids walk into church to sit with us I heard the voice tell me, "Here are some of your eternal blessings...keep trucking along with your Temporal trials".  My temporal trials have helped me gain an amazing relationship with my sister and her children.  Our relationship is so close at times I feel like I have 4 kids rather than 2.  It buoys me up and I feel so blessed so often.

I know there are eternal blessings coming to my life and the life of my family.  I worry sometimes though that a wedge is being driven between Ben and I because sometimes our bag of rocks gets too heavy.  Ben starts to sink and I follow.  Ben then turns and changes his attitude, his vision and his goals and next thing I know is I know we will be ok.  It is so hard not allowing this bag of rocks to allow us to argue, stress and drive a wedge.  I love him more than I could ever express.  I am so grateful for him.  I could not do this without him.  I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven that inspired me to marry the perfect man for me.  The man that will love me through thick and thin.  The man I will love through thick and thin.

I don't know where we are going, where our life is headed or how we will get there.  I do know that my Father in Heaven has given me prayer.  My Savior has provided me with the Atonement to help me clean away my sins and sorrows.  The Holy Ghost can be my personal companion and constant friend as I allow Him to lead and guide me in the direction my Father in Heaven wants me to .

Remembering all this is the key to not giving up and allowing my bag of rocks to sink me.  Someone knows and understands completely.  I am understood completely.  My life is blessed.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

I tried

It was scary.

I still did it.

Now the waiting begins.  I might hear back, I might not.  I might get it, I might not.  At least now I know that I did everything in my power to make it work.  I can say at least I tried. 

I hope and pray that I can and will continue to be lead and guided.  That I will know what is best for my family and I will be able to act in the best interest of my family.

I pray over and over that Heavenly Father will bless me in these endeavors.  I know He has to this point but my prayers need to continue.

I am so grateful for a merciful Father in Heaven.  I am grateful for my blessings.  Now more patience is being taught to me as I wait.

Monday, July 2, 2012

A Leap of Faith

Have you ever been super scared to do something?  I think taking that next scary step is  always a skip in the beat of your heart.  Makes you hold your breath some.

I have had these thoughts of what I should do and where I should move with my work.  I have always just had a job and lately I have gotten the feelings that I need to move it to a career.

My kids are my career.  I never wanted another one.  Yet here I sit contemplating if I am ready to move in the direction of career vs. job. 

The day the thought first came to my mind I was like, "hmm that is weird I have never contemplated going career why would this big of a step in moving that direction come to my mind".  Then I noticed over the few days it kept coming to my mind.  I would force it back because honestly, I love just being a mom.  That is all I wanted to ever do so moving into the business world with a career was not on my plate.  My goal in my job is to work long enough until I can just be a mom again.

Each time the thought came to mind, I would have a million reasons why I should NOT do it.  Each time I had an excuse.

The weird thing about it is I knew that feeling in my heart.  I knew that feeling in my soul.

  • Doctrine and Covenants 8:2

    2 Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.

This is exactly what has happened.  The thought comes to my mind.  I pray about it and it comes and fills my soul and I literally can feel the answer right before me.  Then I look at everything, the probability of getting the position, the fact that I would be leaving home, the fact that I would be moving to a career.  I would push it back and try to forget it.
Funny thing is, I couldn't forget it.  It kept coming to me.  The feeling comes again and it almost overpowers me. I know I can't just put this off and not do it, yet I still try.  It still keeps coming to me, hence the reason I am writing about it.  
We held a fast for Ben's career, that he could be inspired, that I could be inspired.  As I was praying once again this step (more like huge leap) came back to my mind.  As I prayed I once again was filled with the Holy Ghost.  I feel like in order for Ben's career to go where it needs to, I first must take this step.  Be patient with Ben's and forward moving with mine?
This was not the path I was planning.  
After discussing it in length with Ben for a VERY long time, I decided to talk to my girls.  We talked about it.  I told them how very much I love them.  We knelt in prayer and prayed together, just mother and daughters.  After the prayer was over and we were discussing it Lyse very matter of factly stated to me, "Mom you know that feeling you felt, that was the Holy Ghost and you have to listen to that feeling".  She was and is right.  I am so proud of my girl for recognizing the Spirit and KNOWING what she should do when she feels it.   Now as her mom I have to be an example of DOING when you are inspired.
Wow this is a BIG leap!! and I am terrified.  I am not sure that this particular position will be mine (although it feels right for this position); it's the overall direction I feel as though I am being led in.  After I prayed with the girls, I talked to Ben again.  When I prayed, I prayed that we would all have good feelings about this.  Each of the girls said it felt good  to them.  Ben without knowing I had prayed for that told me that it felt good, it felt right.  In my heart I know the same thing but I am scared to death.
I guess it's time to polish up that resume and those interviewing skills.  Time for me to take action on these feelings.  Wish me luck and please pray for me.  Pray for me to have the strength!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Busy Blessings

Life is so busy right now.  I am working all the time.  Ben is working all the time.

Our dishwasher broke over a month ago and no money to fix it.  This has been a thorn in my side until tonight when I heard sweet Katy say, "I HATE dishes, well unless dad is there to talk to me while we do them!"

It got me thinking.  We are so busy we wish for a dishwasher to hurry life and cleaning along.  However, what a HUGE blessing it has been to be FORCED to go in the kitchen and wash the dishes by hand.  Spending that time with Ben as he washes and I dry or the time with the girls.  It really is a blessing...one I need to take advantage of more often.

We made a "dishes" plan tonight with the girls and I was thankful as I thought, "I get 1 night a week alone with each girl so that I get to talk with just them...yes we will be working but it's really not that labor intensive".

I am grateful I got that new perspective from my beautiful girl.  I am the luckiest mom alive to have 2 wonderful, amazing, kind, caring and helpful girls.  They try and work so hard to help.  At times I miss it cause there are soooo many other distractions in this world but honestly, they do and are trying to keep this house running as Ben and I are working at our jobs to try and keep our lives afloat.

We are blessed in being forced to slow down and enjoy time working together.  I really enjoy weeding the gardens with the girls.  This is another work I am going to learn to love because it is quality time with my girls.

I am so grateful that I have been blessed to be a mom and grow each day.  I learn more from my kids than I could ever teach them.  I am blessed.  I am loved.  They love so unconditionally...I hope I am showing the same love in return.

I know all moms have "mom guilt".  I struggle with it all the time.  I need to be more patient, leave work at work, play more, love more, listen more.  This week I am going to focus on listen more as we work side by side.  Their lives are sooooo important and I want to be a part of that!