I am just not sure how it all will and does work out.
Today things happened and I wonder "why"? Why when you have been kicked and prodded are you thrown more crap? Why not just a break? Are we meant for something different?
Then other days things work out that you wish wouldn't and you think, "Ok this was not the things I wanted!"
Creating and keeping happiness through it all is the key. At times I fail, miserably. At times I fail, slightly. At times I succeed. Other times I am a complete success. The difference in them all...I honestly don't know. I always try to have the good but sometimes after a long time of dealing with something it is just easier to complain. Complaining is the #1 way to fail, yet I still do it. (Oh and honestly my mood is GREATLY contributed to by A: my time of the month cycle B: How well my husband is handling and coping with the situation at hand)
Today I just feel so lost. I don't know what I should do or how I should go about doing it. I try to listen to inspiration. I try to listen and follow the teachings of the church. I try and many times I fail. Lately each time we fail I remind myself that it is only through failure that you learn. The problem is I think: What can I learn from this cause I keep having the same problem!!
Sometimes our bag of rocks is just that...our own bag of rocks. We may not like them. They get heavy at times. Sometimes we feel like they will chock and/or kill us. Some people allow them to. When my bag is just too heavy, lately I try to remember my Savior suffered EVERYTHING for me. He felt and CARRIED my bag of rocks. He understands them. He knows what I am going through. He can make them lighter. When I do all I can do, He can help me complete the task at hand.
I have a greater understanding of my Savior, His atonement and more importantly His love.
I am not perfect. I am not the kindest, most loving, selfless wife, mother and person. I complain WAY to often and regret it even more. I have a hard time seeing the things to be grateful for when I feel like the water I am treading has bigger waves each day and they are lapping my head. My imperfections can be made whole if I can just trust and have faith in my Savior and His Atonement. He makes me whole TODAY not when I die.
I forget this often and even though I TRY to remember, there are times my bag of rocks once again becomes to heavy and I say, "no one understands". There are times I try to convince myself that not even Ben can fully understand my sorrow. I am wrong at these times, so very, very wrong.
I don't know the answers. I don't know where to go, how to get there and how to make it all work. I am sooooo grateful for a Savior and Heavenly Father. My Heavenly Father does answer my prayers. I know this without a doubt. He listens to me whine and complain and then when I bend as far as I can and as long as I remember My Savior is willing and waiting to step in and help lift the burden. My Father in Heaven then reminds me with sweet whisperings from the Holy Ghost, "This is your answer. These are your blessings from these trials."
I had this EXACT answer this last Sunday in church. During the Sacrament I was pleading for understanding, for blessings. A few minutes later as I looked at my sister and her kids walk into church to sit with us I heard the voice tell me, "Here are some of your eternal blessings...keep trucking along with your Temporal trials". My temporal trials have helped me gain an amazing relationship with my sister and her children. Our relationship is so close at times I feel like I have 4 kids rather than 2. It buoys me up and I feel so blessed so often.
I know there are eternal blessings coming to my life and the life of my family. I worry sometimes though that a wedge is being driven between Ben and I because sometimes our bag of rocks gets too heavy. Ben starts to sink and I follow. Ben then turns and changes his attitude, his vision and his goals and next thing I know is I know we will be ok. It is so hard not allowing this bag of rocks to allow us to argue, stress and drive a wedge. I love him more than I could ever express. I am so grateful for him. I could not do this without him. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven that inspired me to marry the perfect man for me. The man that will love me through thick and thin. The man I will love through thick and thin.
I don't know where we are going, where our life is headed or how we will get there. I do know that my Father in Heaven has given me prayer. My Savior has provided me with the Atonement to help me clean away my sins and sorrows. The Holy Ghost can be my personal companion and constant friend as I allow Him to lead and guide me in the direction my Father in Heaven wants me to .
Remembering all this is the key to not giving up and allowing my bag of rocks to sink me. Someone knows and understands completely. I am understood completely. My life is blessed.