Monday, January 30, 2012

I am sick. Exhausted. Sick.

It has been quite the life the last 7 weeks. So much change. So much happiness. So much sadness. It is a bit overwhelming.

I think my dream last night summed it all up. I was trying to make it to work but was late because my kids were sick and Lyse fell and broke her arm and then I was trying to call work and instead rushed to my computer worked for a few minutes than tried to make it to Darin's funeral to have the crushing weight of watching Dustin and Papa Larry trying to carry the casket alone. We were transported to a church and a wedding and everyone greeting us for the funeral and wedding. I was desperately trying to serve everyone orange smoothies cause it would help their sore throats but my debit card was being charged for each smoothie so I was trying to make the smoothies spread between everyone. The smoothie machine then malfunctioned and made smoothies faster than I could catch in any cup.

That is how I feel in my life right now. Everything is moving so fast and transporting me from one place to the next without a chance to really comprehend or face it all before the next big change comes. The entire time I am trying to balance work, kids and finances. I am failing at it all.

A week ago I got sick. It has not went away. I will feel better for a day only to have the next day feel 10 times worse. I need to just get over this crap!

I am trying to get our house ready to sale. Pack items up and get them put away for when we move.

"When are you moving"...something asked OFTEN. The only answer I have is when the house closes. It is a short sale. It has to get the second mortgage approved. It may take a while :*( but at the same time it could happen tomorrow. I honestly don't know when the approval will come through. As soon as it does, it will go fast and we will be moved in just a few short weeks.

I also realized that packing is going to be bigger than I originally anticipated. We have a LOT more crap then I previously realized. I am good about getting rid of stuff. I really am. Thing is, there is still a lot of stuff in this little place. I packed up 20 boxes this last week. I have a LOT more to pack!

Let's see what else. Shay's wedding and reception were really nice. I hope she is and will be happy forever.

I think that is it for updates. Right now I just need to start feeling better so that I can live my life! I also now need some down time (and a nice getaway to a tropical island would be nice too!)

Friday, January 27, 2012

Friendships that don't really exist

Have you ever wanted to just say, "Whatever, I didn't want to be your friend either"?

Oh you mean I am the only one in the world that isn't invited to these events and then when I mention them lots of ho humming and back pedaling?

Why can't we all be INCLUSIVE rather than EXCLUSIVE? Why does there have to be drama, back biting and unkindness to one another?

I guess the only thing I can really say about this is: I am trying to be like Jesus, I'm following in his ways. I'm trying to love as He did, in all that I do and say.

I hope others never feel excluded or left out by me. I never want anyone to feel that way. I truly try to love and show kindness to all around me.

I am going to move on, forward and just try to show love and kindness and forget this ugliness.

I am kind. I am smart. I am important. I think those 3 small sentences should be everyone's motto in life. Good life lessons to live by.

Friday, January 20, 2012

New Year, New Day, New Resolutions

I have had the hardest time with my "New Year's Resolution".

Yes I know it is almost the end of January and it should have been thought over, stewed and decided by January 1st.

No, I did not do that.


I could not think of what I had the energy or time to change.

Today I came up with some that were of utmost importance to how I feel.

Family time.

I need to cut out more time for my little family. I have tried harder and harder to be a fun mom. To take my kids and use our Pass of all Passes. For the month of January, I feel like I have succeeded. I hope and pray I can feel that way each month. I do enjoy having time to spend with my family and not have to pay money each time. That is a blessing!

Husband time.

I need to take time with just Ben. Time in which the 2 of us can regroup and reconnect. Our marriage is number 1 priority. When it is strengthened and strong, it blesses me, my children, our family...I love my husband and he needs to be a higher priority in my life!

Scripture time.

I need to take more time studying the scriptures. Not only family scripture time but time for myself. Time in which I work towards Spiritual strength and guidance in my life. I hate to commit to a time limit daily but I know I won't do this without just doing it. So my answer is: I will put aside at least 70 minutes a week for scripture study. That can be 70 minutes in 1 day or that can be 10 minutes a day. This is a minimum standard, not a max!


I want to building savings. I want to be frugal to a fault this year. I want to help provide financial stability for me and my family. When we have a good savings account, I feel good about myself. I don't fear. I know our family will be ok if we have to fix the car or replace something that broke. I want to build a big enough shield of savings that when I go on vacation it is completely paid for before we go and still have money left over for when we return and some unforeseen financial set back occurs. (Meaning, I don't empty my savings to go on the vacation)

There...I finally came up with my resolutions.

I do think part of the reason I had such a hard time writing these is due to change. I have had so much of it lately that I hate to commit to ANYTHING that will further initiate ANY change of ANY sorts. i have had commitment issues as of late; however, I have come to realize if I don't try and change for the better, I don't stand still but rather change for the worse. I want to be better not worse.

I embrace my resolutions and change. I want to be better!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My job in life

You know sometimes you have a realization pop into your mind and you realize something you never thought. Like being your parents favorite. You either have all your kids thinking that they are the favorite or all of them pick 1 and say he/she is the favorite.

Parents love their children but sometimes they just connect and get along with one child more than another. Maybe it is because that one child is just more easy going or has a better temperament. It might be you hold same interests, hobbies or careers.

I have come to realize over the last few days and weeks that even if you aren't the favorite, you are still loved.

I often think I don't have a favorite child. I don't. I love each child for their individuality. However, on some days Lyse will claim Katy is my favorite and on others Katy will claim Lyse is mine. I connect with each of them in completely different ways because *gasp* they are completely different individuals.

Katy and I connect easier than Lyse and I do. I have to work for my relationship with Lyse. Katy is a child that is easier going than Lyse though. Lyse has her ideas of how things should go and when they don't go that way it can lead to disaster. I struggle with her fits.

On the flip side, Katy can be insanely jealous. Even mentioning that Lyse can do something and not saying Katy is just as good can lead to Katy having her feelings extremely hurt. Katy wants to feel loved. Lyse however has the biggest heart and love a child can hold but doesn't hold much on how others think of her. She gives the best hugs and she never assumes someone doesn't love her. Katy instantly feels unloved if you don't say, "love you back" when she says, "I love you". Lyse is more independent and not over needy in ways of showing love. If you give her a hug, that is enough.

The way to show each of my children love is so different, yet the same. Time. Lyse wants you to give her space but be there to watch when she wants to show her accomplishments. Katy wants you there and talking with her and to not be alone and thus she doesn't have to come find you to show you her accomplishments. In the end they just both want my time. Dividing it equally is the trick.

I don't have a favorite, but I have a favorite thing and character trait about each child.

I hope that I can be the type of mom that when I die, all my kids and grand kids (and hopefully great grand kids) think they were the favorite. I hope they won't point fingers and say, "You, you were the favorite". The worst would be for them to all point at the others saying that they were the favorites. If that was the case I would be a complete failure because then NONE of them would have felt the love that I hold for them. If all my kids and grand kids walk away feeling like they are the favorite, than my job is complete. They felt loved enough to feel as though they are the favorite. My time with them was about them. They knew I loved them. That, in the end, is my job.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Happy Birthday Darbo!

Today I have Dustin chilling with me for the day. I so wish I didn't work on days like this.

See it would have been Darin's 47th birthday today.

Dustin and I are making Darin a birthday cake. Roo has an amazing cake planned. We just executed making the bottom tier of it.

Now I have to go to work.

I wish I could just be home and play and make cake with Roo. He NEEDS it today.

We sure do miss Darin.

P.S. I was able to make a great cake with Dustin after an hour of work. It turned out cute and tasted delicious!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Once upon a time...continued

Things are going well with the house but my fear of my children's broken heart became a reality last night.

We went and walked through the house and the girls got all excited about the rooms and which would be "theirs". On the way home, a fight ensued and frustrated parents told them to knock it off or they would end up continuing sharing a bedroom in the new home.


Lots and lots and LOTS of tears followed. Oh my the tears! Katy was hysterical. She proceeded to say, "If I can't have my own room what is the point in even getting that house?" She said, "This is not fair" and about every thing she possibly could and then cried to the point of hysterics. She closed off, stopped talking and started to hyper ventilate.

Knowing my sweet Katy, I knew this had more to it than just her own room. While we were walking through the house you could FEEL her excitement. She was glowing and grinning ear to ear. She literally was jumping up and down for part of it.

So we talked. It took a LONG time because she was so emotional sometimes I had to ask her to repeat so I could understand her sob talking. As the reality of what was going on hit, my heart broke and I started to cry.

She is terrified that this house will not work out. She loves it and feels like it is home.

My poor Katy. She has been through more and put more burden and weight of the world on her than any 9 year old should EVER. In the last 2 years she has had unemployment for 11 months, a mom that was always home go to work, a mom get really sick and have surgery and a month later be hospitalized for 5 days. We kept the scary part of "possible cancer/death" from the kids and didn't talk about it around them, but she knew. She came to me after and talked to me about it.

Right as I was healing and things mending, Ben lost the job he had gotten. Unemployment again. All this time I was also not feeling well but went to work full time and not working from home due to new training. Followed by me still being sick and having to take a couple weeks off work to get the iron infusion. Ben then found a job, followed by another. Finances became too tight and seriously we couldn't afford food for over a month. Financial meltdown was inevitable, although we tried to stop it. All this while I was trying to prevent the meltdown, I did not protect her like I should have. She shouldn't have had to witness and known as much as she did. I tried but I just had too much. I feel sooo much guilt over this. Especially after what happened last night.

Katy is aware of her surroundings. She knows we had to file bankruptcy. She knows we are losing our house. She is fully aware of it all and any time she gets a little money from her aunt or grandparents, she instantly asks if we need it to help with food or the house. 9 year olds should NOT BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS! I know this and I tell her frequently. I try to have her talk to me about it but she is a bit closed off...trying to protect me. I don't talk about finances when I think she can hear but she always does and always knows. She always knows. This last year ended with her uncle, whom she truly loved, committing suicide.

Ok right there that is a TON for an Adult to deal with. Even more for an astute child that tries to carry the burden so her parents don't have to. I should have protected her more. I wish I could have protected her more from this last 2 years. I have failed. It hurts.

Last night Katy told me her heart was in love with that house. She wanted it with all her heart and she knew that in the end it wasn't up to Ben or I. We can't do it without everything falling just right. Without help. The possibility of NOT getting the house was just too much for her. She had a mental break down.

I made a promise that I would and will do everything to get that house. I promised her and it is a promise I intend on keeping. My Katy NEEDS this stability. Even typing that just breaks my heart into pieces. I told her I could not guarantee it; however, I WILL find her another house if that one does not work out. A promise I will keep.

I hurt so bad knowing what she has been through. I hurt so bad knowing her pain. I should have done more. I failed.

Once Katy was settled down to the point she wasn't hyper ventilating, we hugged and hugged. As we knelt for family prayer, I KNEW I needed to pray for the Holy Ghost to be a comforter to not only my heart and soul but hers. She was still not completely settled down as we knelt in family prayer. As I said the words in the prayer asking for the comforter to fill our hearts and souls, I felt an overwhelming peace come through the room and Katy instantly calmed the rest the way down.

I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who steps in and can provide what I can not.

After the prayer Katy put her arms around me in the biggest hug and just held close to me. We talked about the Holy Ghost and how He can and will comfort when needed. We talked about how her Heavenly Father loved her more than anyone and how He knew her heart and heart desires. I explained that sometimes in life we do become overwhelmed and the only place we can turn for peace is to our Father in Heaven.

Katy told me that she felt the peace the minute I prayed for it. She told me she was ok because she felt that love and comfort. There is NOTHING more a mother can ask for and I can not thank my Father in Heaven enough for that. My true hearts desire is for my children to find peace, joy and happiness in the eternal plan of our Father in Heaven. I want them to know and have a personal relationship with our Father in Heaven. I want them to know the Holy Ghost is REAL and can and will always help, lead and guide them.

Through all these trials and hardships I have learned this. I have learned that the comfort that comes from our Father in Heaven through the Holy Ghost is real. I just wish I would have realized and used it early. I wish it hadn't taken me so long. I hope and pray she can take this knowledge with her for the rest of her life and that she can use it throughout her life. I hope and pray that the trials from the last few years, I can always remember the tender mercies given. That my children can see them as well and it will help them to have an eye single to the glory of God for their entire lives. It will all be worth it in the end if my family stays an eternal family!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Once upon a time...

In the state of Utah sits a city. The city is not really a city but rather a town. This town has a vast amount of land and even though one lives in this town it could take them 20-30 minutes to get from one end of town to the other. In this town, there is a perfect little corner. See this corner is across one street from another town called South Jordan and across another street from a different town called Riverton. This corner of town is not far at all from many big shopping and movie attractions; it is, however, far from Herriman Townhall (which is NOT close to many big shopping and movie attractions).

In that corner of the town of Herriman, there is this neighborhood. In this neighborhood you will find many children out running around and playing. The houses in this neighborhood are not huge. The yards in this neighborhood are a good size but once again not huge. The schools in this neighborhood are good and within walking distance. The parks are wonderful because well mainly because there are parks for children within walking distance. The jogging trail that runs behind the homes in this neighborhood is wonderful!

There is a house that sits in this neighborhood that sits in that town that is located in Utah. It has that jogging trail running behind it along with open green grass areas. It is one of the smaller homes in the neighborhood. Size is relative to individuals though. Having lived in 850 sq feet for 7 1/2 years, 1960 sq feet would feel like a mansion. Rooms would sit EMPTY because furniture would not be present to fill them.

In this house that sits in this neighborhood there are 3 bedrooms and 2 baths completed. The house has an actual dining room space as well as a living room AND family room. In this house there is vaulted ceilings and many, many windows. The house also has a master bedroom with it's own bath. Along with that, in this house, the water heater is bigger than 25 gallons and a shower longer than 5 minutes before cold water is feasible. Ahh, a dream! In this house, there is a 2 car garage for some storage along with CAR PARKING. The unfinished basement has room to finish 2 more bedrooms, a storage space and another bath.

Into this house that sits in this neighborhood, that is located in the perfect location in the town that sits in Utah, a certain Hawker family wants to move. Each prayer offered in their current home (even food ones) mentions this house that is in that neighborhood. It is the hearts' desire for all in the home. The house in many ways feels like home to all in the house. I guess the saying is true, Home is where the heart is. Each member of this family has a little (or large for some) piece of their heart attached to this home.

The mom of said Hawker family is terrified that is will fall through because not only her heart but the heart of her children would break to lose that perfect little home that sits in the perfect little neighborhood in the perfect little corner of the great town of Herriman. This mom has feared even blogging about this perfect little home due to this fear (and this mom doesn't hold back much on her blog)!

The Hawker family, in faith, held a small family fast to ask for help in getting this house as their new home. There were so many little pieces to the puzzle that had to fall into place in order for them to be able to call the house, in the neighborhood, their home. The fast was not easy for the children. The fast was not easy for the parents. The fast did bring peace. At the end of the day, the little Hawker family felt great peace. The mom of the Hawker family was able to let go of the fear and feel great hope.

The perfect little house is still not the Hawker families home; HOWEVER, pieces to the puzzle are falling together QUICKLY. Things that were never believed to be possible or feasible just happened. The mom of the Hawker family is often overwhelmed with love and gratitude as she sees these things fall into place. She KNOWS that it is due to the Fast and many, many, many prayers. She KNOWS that her Father in Heaven is aware and a loving Father.

The puzzle is not complete. That perfect house still has several steps to go. Prayers are still offered daily. More importantly from this perfect little house, the mom of this Hawker family has learned a LOT about Faith and the Love of her Heavenly Father. She has also gained a testimony of the Law of the Fast. She knows certain things would not have happened had her little family not fasted in faith.

This story hopefully has a happy ending of they moved into that perfect little house and lived happily ever after. I hope it does have the ending. If the ending is different, I will still be able to take the knowledge I have gained. I, however, have faith and a great feeling that the house will belong to that sweet Hawker family. Hopefully in a month, this Hawker mom can post pictures of her little family in front of the house and be able to label the picture...HOME!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Plans changed...

Things change fast at this place I tell you.

That move. It isn't happening. I feel really good about that too!

It snowed today.

Snow and trying to move don't mix well. The fast move was because of time constraints with my sisters wedding and our life. So instead of moving we are sticking around here for a bit.

There is still change and a move is inevitable but for now we are just sticking around :)

Friday, January 6, 2012


This pictures says home to me!

Change is hard. I am scared. I will fully admit it.

Our condo is our home. It is the place we have come back to time and again. We have lived here 7 1/2 years. When we moved to Oklahoma, we still had a place to come back home to. This is the only place that Katy and Lyse have really known as home (other than the short stay in OK).

We have worked on, toiled with and put much blood, sweat and tears into every small square inch of this home.

My favorite thing about home?!? I love sitting on my couch in the living room or walking in the front door and seeing how the sun hits the wall in the hallway between the kitchen and living room. I know weird huh?!? There is something that feels so warm as you see the beadboard lite up and the hardwood floors glowing from the sunlight.

I also love the way the backdoor windows bring crisscrossed light onto the stairs (the cats like this too!).

From the first day we walked through this little condo, I knew it was home because of the sunlight in the kitchen. I knew it was home because of how it felt.

Change brings strength. Change creates new adventures in life!

Thursday, January 5, 2012


Our New home.

We are Bluffdale...TOMORROW!

Ok my entire family just does big decisions on the fly I guess :)

We have prayed about, thought about and contemplated this for a LONG LONG time (ok well for sure for 1 month but we talked about it even before that just under different circumstances).

Jana needs us. We were needing it too.

Now comes the work.



Switching schools for the kids.

Double OY VEY!


(yeah it deserves it twice)

I will keep it all posted on how it goes and what happens with it.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Going to the Temple and they're gonna get married...

I can now officially announce it...Shay is getting married!

I can hardly believe that my baby sister is going to be married. Not only married but married and moving to Charleston, South Carolina!

It's going to be really hard seeing her go. I have looked forward to the day she would get married and we could chill that day seems like it will be far off since her soon to be hubby is in the Navy and well Utah isn't exactly a place where lots of Navy bases are stationed! I am super excited for her and Dennis is a great guy!

They just got engaged and are doing a QUICK wedding due to his Navy duties (basic than moving to South Carolina). They will have been engaged about 3 weeks when they get married and then the reception is 9 days after the wedding. Thank goodness for 1 more week to prepare for the reception!

Congrats Shay and Dennis. I see your love and I am excited for your new adventure in life!!

P.S. So now that we have had a funeral last month and a wedding this month...maybe next month I can announce a baby from someone in my family?!?

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Grandpa and Grandma Greats in Idaho

Today we finally had a day that worked out to go to Idaho to visit the Grandpa and Grandma Greats! It has been WAY WAY too long and we have missed them like crazy. Ben's 2 jobs and my job just make it really really hard to find a time and get up there.

Today just worked out. I am so grateful it did. I love the grandparents more than I can ever say. What amazing people they are.

Grandpa Hawker had a stroke and only got out of the hospital Christmas eve. I was so grateful to see him. I loved hearing his stories. He sure has a LOT of love his heart.
He is a gruff exterior with a truly warm and loving heart. I love him and wish we lived next door to visit more often!

Grandma Hawker always has a love and hug. She cares deeply about everyone. It really took a toll on her with Grandpa in the hospital. She is taking care of him and trying so hard. She is a wonderful woman whom I love so much. I am grateful I have married into great Grandparents!

Grandpa Myler is staying young (even though he turns 80 this next year)! He took the kids downstairs to play with his train. He spent time showing them the toys and letting them play with them. He is a great Grandpa Great :)

Grandma Myler I could just sit and chat with for hours. She loves, cares and worries about everyone. She provides a warm home and always has cookies for the kids (and adult kids)! The girls sure loved that hot chocolate.Sweet Grandma wasn't feeling well and was very insistent she didn't want a picture taken; however, the amazing children of mine got her to agree and I am sure glad they did!

I am so grateful that Ben and I made today work (yay Christmas cash). I am so grateful that my kids are blessed to have 2 grandpa and 2 grandma greats! It is a great, great blessing! I am grateful we still have them with us as well. I sure hope we can make visits more frequent and wish it didn't cost at least $50 to drive up there (or I would just do it a lot more!!!)

Who knew Elephants could do Hand Stands?!?

Thursday we had a fun adventure at the zoo! I LOVE the zoo and my kids loved that they got to enjoy the zoo with Grandma and cousins!

The weather was absolutely perfect for the zoo. We saw all the animals that are possible, had a great picnic lunch and honestly had a pretty perfect day!

The best part of the day for me was the end when we went to the elephants one last time before leaving and they were working with the baby elephant, Zuri, on training. The training was so that vets would be able to look her over without problems but they sure look like awesome TRICKS! She even did a HANDSTAND! Yes an elephant can do a handstand and I can not! I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it.