Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Once upon a time...continued

Things are going well with the house but my fear of my children's broken heart became a reality last night.

We went and walked through the house and the girls got all excited about the rooms and which would be "theirs". On the way home, a fight ensued and frustrated parents told them to knock it off or they would end up continuing sharing a bedroom in the new home.


Lots and lots and LOTS of tears followed. Oh my the tears! Katy was hysterical. She proceeded to say, "If I can't have my own room what is the point in even getting that house?" She said, "This is not fair" and about every thing she possibly could and then cried to the point of hysterics. She closed off, stopped talking and started to hyper ventilate.

Knowing my sweet Katy, I knew this had more to it than just her own room. While we were walking through the house you could FEEL her excitement. She was glowing and grinning ear to ear. She literally was jumping up and down for part of it.

So we talked. It took a LONG time because she was so emotional sometimes I had to ask her to repeat so I could understand her sob talking. As the reality of what was going on hit, my heart broke and I started to cry.

She is terrified that this house will not work out. She loves it and feels like it is home.

My poor Katy. She has been through more and put more burden and weight of the world on her than any 9 year old should EVER. In the last 2 years she has had unemployment for 11 months, a mom that was always home go to work, a mom get really sick and have surgery and a month later be hospitalized for 5 days. We kept the scary part of "possible cancer/death" from the kids and didn't talk about it around them, but she knew. She came to me after and talked to me about it.

Right as I was healing and things mending, Ben lost the job he had gotten. Unemployment again. All this time I was also not feeling well but went to work full time and not working from home due to new training. Followed by me still being sick and having to take a couple weeks off work to get the iron infusion. Ben then found a job, followed by another. Finances became too tight and seriously we couldn't afford food for over a month. Financial meltdown was inevitable, although we tried to stop it. All this while I was trying to prevent the meltdown, I did not protect her like I should have. She shouldn't have had to witness and known as much as she did. I tried but I just had too much. I feel sooo much guilt over this. Especially after what happened last night.

Katy is aware of her surroundings. She knows we had to file bankruptcy. She knows we are losing our house. She is fully aware of it all and any time she gets a little money from her aunt or grandparents, she instantly asks if we need it to help with food or the house. 9 year olds should NOT BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS! I know this and I tell her frequently. I try to have her talk to me about it but she is a bit closed off...trying to protect me. I don't talk about finances when I think she can hear but she always does and always knows. She always knows. This last year ended with her uncle, whom she truly loved, committing suicide.

Ok right there that is a TON for an Adult to deal with. Even more for an astute child that tries to carry the burden so her parents don't have to. I should have protected her more. I wish I could have protected her more from this last 2 years. I have failed. It hurts.

Last night Katy told me her heart was in love with that house. She wanted it with all her heart and she knew that in the end it wasn't up to Ben or I. We can't do it without everything falling just right. Without help. The possibility of NOT getting the house was just too much for her. She had a mental break down.

I made a promise that I would and will do everything to get that house. I promised her and it is a promise I intend on keeping. My Katy NEEDS this stability. Even typing that just breaks my heart into pieces. I told her I could not guarantee it; however, I WILL find her another house if that one does not work out. A promise I will keep.

I hurt so bad knowing what she has been through. I hurt so bad knowing her pain. I should have done more. I failed.

Once Katy was settled down to the point she wasn't hyper ventilating, we hugged and hugged. As we knelt for family prayer, I KNEW I needed to pray for the Holy Ghost to be a comforter to not only my heart and soul but hers. She was still not completely settled down as we knelt in family prayer. As I said the words in the prayer asking for the comforter to fill our hearts and souls, I felt an overwhelming peace come through the room and Katy instantly calmed the rest the way down.

I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who steps in and can provide what I can not.

After the prayer Katy put her arms around me in the biggest hug and just held close to me. We talked about the Holy Ghost and how He can and will comfort when needed. We talked about how her Heavenly Father loved her more than anyone and how He knew her heart and heart desires. I explained that sometimes in life we do become overwhelmed and the only place we can turn for peace is to our Father in Heaven.

Katy told me that she felt the peace the minute I prayed for it. She told me she was ok because she felt that love and comfort. There is NOTHING more a mother can ask for and I can not thank my Father in Heaven enough for that. My true hearts desire is for my children to find peace, joy and happiness in the eternal plan of our Father in Heaven. I want them to know and have a personal relationship with our Father in Heaven. I want them to know the Holy Ghost is REAL and can and will always help, lead and guide them.

Through all these trials and hardships I have learned this. I have learned that the comfort that comes from our Father in Heaven through the Holy Ghost is real. I just wish I would have realized and used it early. I wish it hadn't taken me so long. I hope and pray she can take this knowledge with her for the rest of her life and that she can use it throughout her life. I hope and pray that the trials from the last few years, I can always remember the tender mercies given. That my children can see them as well and it will help them to have an eye single to the glory of God for their entire lives. It will all be worth it in the end if my family stays an eternal family!

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