Friday, September 30, 2011


Right now as I type, my sister is at the funeral of her 14 year old nephew.

I am sitting on my couch thinking of the very painful sore on my chin that was also on my nose. Thinking how bad my life sucketh right now and honestly how I can't take anymore.

Then I thought of my poor sister.

Even then it still doesn't make me feel "better". Just makes me sorry that everything around me is falling apart.

I have been in tears on and off non-stop for the last week. Sometimes everything comes so strongly I feel like I can't breathe and I literally have my breath taken away from me for a few moments.

Yes I am aware those are panic attacks. They come on REALLY strong whenever I think of going ANYWHERE. They are causing me to be a hermit. These attacks have also contributed to the 12 lbs I have packed on. I think of going out and I think, "I am too fat" makes me want to climb back in my bed and stay there forever.

I need to do something about these attacks! I have been reading a lot of techniques of what to do when you have them. The problem is sometimes they just come out of no where and I am not in the mind set to control them and suddenly I am crying, frustrated and if I am in public, absolutely humiliated.

My poor sister is at a cemetery for a funeral for a 14 year old and I am struggling to even pick up the phone and talk to her due to panic attacks.

Yep...I'm a great sister :(

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Confidence in who I am!

Certain things keep coming to the forefront of my mind and REALLY bothering me. When I say really, I mean REALLY.

Each thing alone is not a big deal but when I put them all together the picture is grim and makes me question if my feelings and instincts are more true than I thought.

I keep pushing it to the back of my mind saying, "It's just silly comment not thought through" or "maybe they just didn't see it" or "I am sure it wasn't INTENDED that way".

When each new thing happens, I once again remind myself of this and try to push forward. I hate the thought that my what my gut is telling me is right. The thought of that just makes me really, really sad.

You can't force people to like you. You can't force people to be your friend. You can't force people to want to be around you. You can't convince someone else of anything they don't want to be convinced of. It's even worse if it's family or really close friends that are like family because then the truth might never come out yet you will always know.

I hate being the one sitting there in awkwardness with me thinking they are there wishing we would just leave and me wishing they could just enjoy us and want us around. Why is it so hard to take an interest or carry on conversations?

Relationships are never easy. It's especially hard when you are really trying yet they honestly don't and want nothing to do with you :( (or at least you keep thinking that)?

I try really hard not to be offish but honestly I know at times I am. It's not intentional. Sometimes I am in my own world. Sometimes I am scared to say anything afraid it will be taken out of context. Sometimes I figure they hate me, why try. All the time I think what is it about me?

In the end, that is what it is. It's me. If I wasn't so afraid of the rejection I would put myself out there wholely and completely and know I was good enough and if they couldn't see that then who cares?!? I am not like that but I wish I were! I wish I could see that glimmer of God's love and hold that with me always and so when I am in those situation it just doesn't matter cause I know who I am and what my worth is. Guess I have something I need to work on!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Civic Duty

This week my dear husband was chosen to be on jury duty.

I am completely 100% in agreement that we need to do our civic duty. I know we need to stand up and help our country. I have nothing against it!!

What I do have a problem with...the $18.75 for the DAY today. Then he gets $50 for the DAY tomorrow. We are extremely tight and we are going to loose money for the rest of the week. Ben does not get paid to be on jury duty through his work. Since he hasn't been there long he only has about 5 hours paid vacation. So once those 5 hours are used up (which will be today), we get the $50/day until the jury duty is over. He has been told he has to be there at least the rest of this week, possibly next week too. Saving grace - he isn't sequestered!! That I am sooooo grateful for!!!!

Next week is going to be so tight I don't even want to think about it. On top of it all, Ben's work has been super busy lately. Him being gone is going to negatively affect his company too :( I have picked up extra hours this week. My couple hours won't do much but at least it is some!

I am grateful he gets this chance to serve his country. I am worried and sick to my stomach over the loss of wages. I seriously don't know what we are going to do!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I wanna play

I have been so busy I have not had time or energy to play with friends lately.

Then today I decided I wanted to play.

I called, texted and tried to contact several people.

No one responded.

I feel like I have lost all my friends :(

I am sad. So I came to my blog to say how sad it is not to have friends to play with.

Now I get to go try some more to convince my kids and husband they want to leave the house and play.

Wish me luck!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Love Notes

My life in kids school, kids, hubby, work, finances and everything else has been soooooo dang busy aka overwhelming lately (hello whose life isn't busy?!?!)

Yesterday I really had met the ends of my rope. I am just completely spent. My house looks like a bomb exploded in it. I guess my house just looks the way I feel! Life is so all over the place and every where and I don't know where I fit into it all.

Night time I am in bed earlier and earlier every night. Most nights we are all in bed by 9:00. Yes you read that correct - 9:00. This night owl closes her eyes and at least tries to fall asleep. Some nights it comes quickly, others I lay there and think, "Breathe in, Breathe out...this panic attack will leave". The problem is, even with a full blown panic attack, I am still exhausted and sleep does take over within an hour or so.

Last night I was so tired by the time I got up the stairs I wanted to cry when I saw that Lyse had left her clothes on the floor after taking a shower. I was sooooo frustrated with her. I picked up her clothes and walked into my room. When I couldn't get to my laundry hamper because Katy's "bed" and body was blocking it. I walked into their room. I had to step over toys and shut clothes drawers. I picked up as I walked back out of the room, depressed that I just could not keep up. As I walked into my room and Lyse and Katy were once again going to sleep in their "beds" aka the little walking space I had in my room, I felt like: tearing my hair out, starting to bawl and just wanting to run away from it all. For a while they were sleeping in our room so we only had to run 1 air conditioner and save $$$. Lately, they have continued the floor sleeping even though we have begged them to please go to their BEDS!

So as I was stepping over heads and bodies to get to my bed, I walked over to Ben's side of the bed and tripped on his shoes and clothes he had layed out for work the next day.

I was about an inch away from loosing it.

Clothes on the floor in the hallway and bathroom (well not anymore cause I had picked them up but you know what I mean). Children and clothes on my bedroom floor (couldn't do a thing about any of that because I was too tired to wake them up and/or carry them to their own beds). Toys on the floor in the girls room (picked up some but it was bed time I was not going to stay up longer to clean their messes). I have cleaned and cleaned and feel like I am getting no where.

I was sooooo frustrated and about to give up on even finding a place around my bed where I could kneel for my prayers...when I saw it and my heart melted, my frustration of it all of melted away and I wanted to cry tears of joy and happiness.

My favorite part - was Fum - aka From!

She drew me flowers, mountains and clouds and sunshine.

When I got up for work at 645 this morning and signed into my computer, it made me sick in my heart to have to erase that beautiful note. I needed that!

Thank you Elyse!

PS when I showed Lyse the picture she drew for me...she was soooo excited that I had put it on my blog. It once again melted my heart. She then went on to explain that the clouds that are the reddish color above the mountains are the sunset because I always point out the beautiful clouds at sunset! Ahhh...melts my heart even more!

Monday, September 19, 2011

To my neighbors - I am sorry for the screeching!

Katy starts Orchestra with the Viola today - oh what a happy girl she is. She is so proud and so excited to have it. I hope she can pick it up and learn to play quickly (and no I am not just saying that cause I don't want to hear the screeching for 30 min each day ;) ).

She has wanted to play a musical instrument for YEARS! We had a piano for a while but we didn't have the means to pay for piano lessons. I taught her some but it's really hard having a mom teach (not sure why but it is hard in our house).

Katy has a BUSY schedule now with orchestra 2 times a week, dance 1 time a week and then activity days every other Wednesday.

I hope she doesn't get worn out. Especially since she can't let school slip in order to maintain all her extra activities.

Man alive - I am driving to their school EVERY day multiple times again this year! Let's hope I survive this :)

I am excited for Katy, especially after watching her soooooo excited. I am so grateful and proud to be her mom. What an amazing young lady she is turning into!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I am happiest when...

Lately the answer has been never. I am not happy. Feels like I never will be again.

I have tried. Seriously if my happiness could be measured by effort in trying to be happy - wow I would be right there at the top.

Each day Ben and I seem to have a discussion about just this - happiness! I know happiness is a choice and I am trying sooooo hard to be and show happiness and gratitude!

I am grateful for my family. I have an amazing husband that loves me endlessly, through thick and thin. I have children that are sooooo good. Seriously, they just roll with the punches. As a new thing hits, they just take it in stride and say, "ok".

I am grateful for my job. I am so blessed to have the job I have. I get to work around my family for a majority of my job. I am able to try and always be there for my children. I get to work from home. Last week Katy was super sick and came home from school extremely nauseated. I was working and at first mad that I couldn't just drive up to the school and get her. However, Ben is blessed with a job that allows for the pick up the sick kid from school. If he had wanted to just stay home the rest of the day though - that would have been a no go. Gone for an hour - ok. Taking the rest of the day - NOPE! This is where I am truly blessed...I work from home! Ben brought Katy home to me and she snuggled on the bed next to my desk. No big deal. I talked to her a little but really she was happy to go in and out of sleep and I had to work. BLESSING!

Ok so with all this - why am I not happy? Seriously, I am blessed.

Then I realized it. Something that has been staring me in the face for a while but I just couldn't see it clearly.

I am happiest when I get time with my family (especially my husband). Lately so much of our time has went to work, errands and household that the time of just sitting at the table playing a game or going for a hike hasn't happened.

A perfect day for me: Ben's birthday (just a day at Huntington Beach), hiking in the mountains or like last Aug - back packing in and then spending the night in the mountains...just us and our girls! That is heaven - that is happiness.

Ben and I don't get any time together. As a family it is even less. Most the time Ben's 2 jobs make him tired to even live life. My job, picking up the slack and keeping house cleaned and taking more on with the girls because Ben can't do's wearing me down. Finding happiness is harder and harder because I am not getting that time, those moments with the ones I love and cherish the most. Life has gotten in the way of my happiness.

So how do I change this? Ben and I had a big discussion tonight and none of the answers feel like a good solution. Where do we find a happy medium to it all so that I can find my happiness again?

If you aren't happy in the situation you are in you either change the situation or change your attitude. I am not happy with our situation. I have tried and tried and tried to change my attitude but unfortunately, I don't know what more to try or how to go about that now. Honestly, our situation is less than ideal and definitely not a happy one! So - I guess I better look at how to change the situation.

None of the choices are easy or ideal. I have prayed lots and feel inspired in one direction; however, Ben was never on board or felt the same until tonight. Tonight was the first time he suggested it was the answer to which I responded, "But no, how would we..." his simple, sweet answer - Faith! Ben's faith often amazes and awes me. Such a blessing to be married to a man of such faith.

So...please pray for us! Please pray for me. We have some big decisions and all of which will require bigger faith. The end result and goal in mind is happiness. Not the right here and right now make me happy happiness. The true happiness that I feel even when I look back years later and say - "that time together will never go away...that was and is happiness".

I am sooooo done and over with the stupid road of sorrow I have been on for a while. Good-bye stupid yucky road. We are picking a new path (some of which we might have to create the pathway on) but I know we will be happy because we will be on the path with our Savior and our family - and that is happiness!

PS Today Lyse said the cutest thing so I have to share. When telling me about her day at school she started to talk about the monkey bars. That girl LOVES the monkey bars. So much so that she actually has a HUGE blister on her hand that she got from the monkey bars. Well she ended up tearing it while on the monkey bars and she tore it REALLY deep. Her entire palm looks OUCHIE. Seriously, ugh, makes my stomach churn even thinking about it!! Its been bleeding and seriously, ugh, just ugh. (My stomach is currently churning in case you were wondering...I guess even typing about it...ugh!!!)

Anyway, her palm is getting bandaides on it frequently but she is a little kid and a palm is a VERY hard thing to keep a bandage on. When telling me about her day she said, "Mom, I got on those monkey bars and I learned how to do them backwards. Can you believe it? I can move backwards on the monkey bars! I didn't think I could do it until I did it. When I finished my hand was bleeding but I didn't even care cause I did it! I can go backwards on the monkey bars!!!!" She was so happy and so proud of herself! I, on the other hand as her mom, NEED to protect her and her hand! I need to find a solution to her palm and monkey bar love because I fear she will get a bad infection if I don't figure something out to protect the "never healing because it is always being re-injured" hand! :) I couldn't even remind her, AGAIN, of what her dad had told her about not doing the monkey bars until her hand healed because she was just too darn proud of herself for the accomplishment. She was willing to take the pain in order to have that accomplishment. Pretty extraordinary little girl she is, if I do say so myself!

2 years ago...I wasn't the mean parent!

On Facebook today, it reminded me of what my status was on this day in 2009 (so that would be September 14, 2009). I read it and laughed and had to copy and paste to remember it on here.

Tauni Smith HawkerAfter being told to go clean her room by Ben, Lyse said, "I want a new dad, one that isn't so mean"...I laughed and Ben said, "WHAT?!?!" LOL Love it when I am not the mean parent!

This still makes me laugh! Oh what a little spunk of a girl I have in that one! How I love her so!!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Floor mopping and Wall washing...hey it's my day off! :)

Today I have the full day off work. The kids are at school. I was kinda at a loss of what on earth should I do all day. The luxury of going and climbing in bed and getting some more much needed zzz's crossed my mind. Then reality sunk in.

Dishes needed washed. Floors needed mopping. Laundry needed finished washing and folding and putting away. Walls desperately need some scrubbing. Bathrooms both need a good scrub down. Floors upstairs needed vacuumed and beds all need to be made. You know the list of cleaning that NEVER ends.

So as I started scrubbing my floors and walls, it gave me time with just myself. As my brain wondered, my first thing that came to mind was the other errands that needed done today once I finished all the household chores. Clorox from Costco, magic eraser for walls from walmart, apples from winco. The list went on and on and on; unfortunately (or maybe fortunately however you view it), the bank account allows for very little of that to be done.

Depressed. I sat there thinking of all the things we need and realizing we had the funds for none of it and I started to get in a real pissy mood.

As I worked and worked I found myself stewing. Then I stopped. I have 2 choices. You always have at least 2 choices. I could choose to be grateful I had the day off work and was able to clean (really clean) my house or I had the choice to be pissed off that I was cleaning my house and unable to afford things I needed to organize this, clean that or have luxury food of apples and such. That is when I changed my attitude.

I looked at my floors that were shiny and thought - man I am grateful that is done! That has needed done for a while. As I was cleaning the floors, I found some warm fuzzies (the are the sparkly pom pom things you buy for crafts). I threw them out to the cats and watched as my cats eyes light up like a Christmas tree, so excited that some of their beloved toys were rescued from the bottomless pit under the fridge.

I am currently taking a 20 minute break. My wrist hurts (I have been scrubbing the floors on hands and knees so that I can also scrub the floor boards and walls at the same time). I know I am going to be sore tomorrow but I am so grateful for TODAY! The sun is shining in my kitchen. I thought up a dinner plan while scrubbing one particularly large and dirty wall.

I am blessed to have our small condo. I need to start focusing on my blessings because honestly right now if I don't find the small blessings I think you might find me in the mental ward of the hospital.

So Today I am grateful that I am able to work my butt off cleaning my house. Yes only the main level will be clean when the kids get home but by golly it will be shining and SPOTLESS! No dust will be found in my main level :) Also - I was able to spray outside and around the door for pesky little bugs that like to enter my house in the fall. YAY for fewer pesky bugs!! :)

2 things I learned today:

1. Wall scrubbing is going to become my new favorite punishment. Much better than sitting in the corner!! :)

2. When your living room must become your laundry room due to the size of your house - it probably isn't the best idea to start laundry day, get all your piles across the floor and then decide to start mopping said floors. Make for much more work :) :)

PS - I am going to bed in a spotless house! Got the upstairs cleaned after picking the kids up from school! It feels so wonderful knowing that the deep down grimy clean is once again done in my home :) I will sleep well tonight!!

Monday, September 5, 2011

A story to remember...

My kids are such a bright light in my life. I am so grateful for them.

I love the little things they say and do. Time moves so quickly and it seems like my baby that was just in my arms and then learning to crawl and walk is now joking and teasing me.

Tonight I told Katy a story about when she was about 2 1/2 and recently potty trained. She was very into her awesome new panties. She was sharing what they looked like with all in the room at Ben's parents' home. She went around asking all of us if we wore panties. When she got to Brandon's fiancee (now wife) Courtney, she answered yes she wore panties. Katy was so excited. Poor Courtney was wearing a shirt and Katy ran and tried to lift her skirt as she said very excited, "Can I see?" I laugh every time I think of this. Tonight I told Katy that story again and she laughed and laughed and laughed to the point that tears were coming from her eyes. She couldn't believe that SHE had done that! Awe the stories and memories I need to write and memorize forever!

As for Lyse. That child loves animals - ALL animals. She has an big fondness for dogs. She loves them. Shadow is her best pal at my parents house. You watch her run in the backyard the minute she gets there. She goes to the swings and Shadow follows her. She then pets and plays with Shadow. Today I watched her from the window as she layed on her stomach on the swing. The swing swayed lightly back and forth as she had her hand down petting that sweet 12 year old Shadow puppy (that is what we call her). Lyse is "training" Shadow.

Last night I went out in the backyard with her and we were laying on the grass looking at the stars. As we layed there Shadow ran up to us and flopped down next to us. Shadow would not let up and wanted her stomach scratched. Sweet Lyse gladly fulfilled Shadows whims and then jumped up and ran over to the swings and said, "Mom I am training her watch. Come here Shadow, come here." When Shadow (who is deaf for the most part) didn't come Lyse said, "We are still working on it. Shadow come here girl come here." When Shadow who I KNOW just did not hear Lyse did not come Lyse then said, "Don't worry mom. She is still a good dog. We are just working on her training. She will do it." The next time Lyse called she called a bit louder and Shadow heard her calling that time and jumped up as fast as her arthritic canine limbs would move and ran to that sweet girl, so excited to have her calling her. Lyse then gave her the biggest loves and good belly scratching. She then showed me all the tricks that she had taught to this 12 year old black lab. She sits and lays and rolls over great. Good thing she was taught all this stuff 6 years before Lyse was even born! :) Lyse is so proud of herself and training abilities and Shadow is more than willing to oblige and get the lovings from this girl.

Today as Lyse was running outside I told her Shadow was needing some lovings. Exasperated she said, "Again?!?" then she ran to Shadow and as she rubbed her and scratched her all over she said, "Ok Shadow but this is your last time then I am going in to play with my cousins, do you understand me? I love you but I gotta do other things girl!" My mom and me just laughed and laughed! That dog just has Lyse wrapped around her little finger (or paw!)!

I am writing all this because I need to and want to remember this as much as I want to remember Katy trying to pull Courtney's skirt up due to excitement of learning that Courtney, too, wore panties. My girls are just growing so fast and all these little things that are just daily events will change and instead of running outside at Grandma's to give Shadow day Lyse is going to prefer to stay in the house and visit or if she has a phone text friends (or whatever the current going thing is). One day the stories of her and Shadow will be stories, not a current event. One day I will tell her the silly things she did with that dog to which she will be responding with laughter like today when I told Katy about her panty excitement.

Why are my girls growing so dang fast? Can't I just freeze time for a bit to enjoy these moments a little more? I regret not having realized when they were younger how fast they were growing. I wish I hadn't taken advantage of that time as much as I did. These years are just going WAY too fast!!!