Lately the answer has been never. I am not happy. Feels like I never will be again.
I have tried. Seriously if my happiness could be measured by effort in trying to be happy - wow I would be right there at the top.
Each day Ben and I seem to have a discussion about just this - happiness! I know happiness is a choice and I am trying sooooo hard to be and show happiness and gratitude!
I am grateful for my family. I have an amazing husband that loves me endlessly, through thick and thin. I have children that are sooooo good. Seriously, they just roll with the punches. As a new thing hits, they just take it in stride and say, "ok".
I am grateful for my job. I am so blessed to have the job I have. I get to work around my family for a majority of my job. I am able to try and always be there for my children. I get to work from home. Last week Katy was super sick and came home from school extremely nauseated. I was working and at first mad that I couldn't just drive up to the school and get her. However, Ben is blessed with a job that allows for the pick up the sick kid from school. If he had wanted to just stay home the rest of the day though - that would have been a no go. Gone for an hour - ok. Taking the rest of the day - NOPE! This is where I am truly blessed...I work from home! Ben brought Katy home to me and she snuggled on the bed next to my desk. No big deal. I talked to her a little but really she was happy to go in and out of sleep and I had to work. BLESSING!
Ok so with all this - why am I not happy? Seriously, I am blessed.
Then I realized it. Something that has been staring me in the face for a while but I just couldn't see it clearly.
I am happiest when I get time with my family (especially my husband). Lately so much of our time has went to work, errands and household that the time of just sitting at the table playing a game or going for a hike hasn't happened.
A perfect day for me: Ben's birthday (just a day at Huntington Beach), hiking in the mountains or like last Aug - back packing in and then spending the night in the mountains...just us and our girls! That is heaven - that is happiness.
Ben and I don't get any time together. As a family it is even less. Most the time Ben's 2 jobs make him tired to even live life. My job, picking up the slack and keeping house cleaned and taking more on with the girls because Ben can't do more...it's wearing me down. Finding happiness is harder and harder because I am not getting that time, those moments with the ones I love and cherish the most. Life has gotten in the way of my happiness.
So how do I change this? Ben and I had a big discussion tonight and none of the answers feel like a good solution. Where do we find a happy medium to it all so that I can find my happiness again?
If you aren't happy in the situation you are in you either change the situation or change your attitude. I am not happy with our situation. I have tried and tried and tried to change my attitude but unfortunately, I don't know what more to try or how to go about that now. Honestly, our situation is less than ideal and definitely not a happy one! So - I guess I better look at how to change the situation.
None of the choices are easy or ideal. I have prayed lots and feel inspired in one direction; however, Ben was never on board or felt the same until tonight. Tonight was the first time he suggested it was the answer to which I responded, "But no, how would we..." his simple, sweet answer - Faith! Ben's faith often amazes and awes me. Such a blessing to be married to a man of such faith.
So...please pray for us! Please pray for me. We have some big decisions and all of which will require bigger faith. The end result and goal in mind is happiness. Not the right here and right now make me happy happiness. The true happiness that I feel even when I look back years later and say - "that time together will never go away...that was and is happiness".
I am sooooo done and over with the stupid road of sorrow I have been on for a while. Good-bye stupid yucky road. We are picking a new path (some of which we might have to create the pathway on) but I know we will be happy because we will be on the path with our Savior and our family - and that is happiness!
PS Today Lyse said the cutest thing so I have to share. When telling me about her day at school she started to talk about the monkey bars. That girl LOVES the monkey bars. So much so that she actually has a HUGE blister on her hand that she got from the monkey bars. Well she ended up tearing it while on the monkey bars and she tore it REALLY deep. Her entire palm looks OUCHIE. Seriously, ugh, makes my stomach churn even thinking about it!! Its been bleeding and seriously, ugh, just ugh. (My stomach is currently churning in case you were wondering...I guess even typing about it...ugh!!!)
Anyway, her palm is getting bandaides on it frequently but she is a little kid and a palm is a VERY hard thing to keep a bandage on. When telling me about her day she said, "Mom, I got on those monkey bars and I learned how to do them backwards. Can you believe it? I can move backwards on the monkey bars! I didn't think I could do it until I did it. When I finished my hand was bleeding but I didn't even care cause I did it! I can go backwards on the monkey bars!!!!" She was so happy and so proud of herself! I, on the other hand as her mom, NEED to protect her and her hand! I need to find a solution to her palm and monkey bar love because I fear she will get a bad infection if I don't figure something out to protect the "never healing because it is always being re-injured" hand! :) I couldn't even remind her, AGAIN, of what her dad had told her about not doing the monkey bars until her hand healed because she was just too darn proud of herself for the accomplishment. She was willing to take the pain in order to have that accomplishment. Pretty extraordinary little girl she is, if I do say so myself!