Certain things keep coming to the forefront of my mind and REALLY bothering me. When I say really, I mean REALLY.
Each thing alone is not a big deal but when I put them all together the picture is grim and makes me question if my feelings and instincts are more true than I thought.
I keep pushing it to the back of my mind saying, "It's just silly comment not thought through" or "maybe they just didn't see it" or "I am sure it wasn't INTENDED that way".
When each new thing happens, I once again remind myself of this and try to push forward. I hate the thought that my what my gut is telling me is right. The thought of that just makes me really, really sad.
You can't force people to like you. You can't force people to be your friend. You can't force people to want to be around you. You can't convince someone else of anything they don't want to be convinced of. It's even worse if it's family or really close friends that are like family because then the truth might never come out yet you will always know.
I hate being the one sitting there in awkwardness with me thinking they are there wishing we would just leave and me wishing they could just enjoy us and want us around. Why is it so hard to take an interest or carry on conversations?
Relationships are never easy. It's especially hard when you are really trying yet they honestly don't and want nothing to do with you :( (or at least you keep thinking that)?
I try really hard not to be offish but honestly I know at times I am. It's not intentional. Sometimes I am in my own world. Sometimes I am scared to say anything afraid it will be taken out of context. Sometimes I figure they hate me, why try. All the time I think what is it about me?
In the end, that is what it is. It's me. If I wasn't so afraid of the rejection I would put myself out there wholely and completely and know I was good enough and if they couldn't see that then who cares?!? I am not like that but I wish I were! I wish I could see that glimmer of God's love and hold that with me always and so when I am in those situation it just doesn't matter cause I know who I am and what my worth is. Guess I have something I need to work on!