Friday, July 16, 2010

Failures as a mother

I have been struggling. Ben even asked if I needed to go to the Dr. and get some anti-depression meds.

I watch our savings go to nothing and anxiety fills my body. Seriously, I am at a breaking point. Last night I SWORE I was done...done with everything. Today I woke up sad but able (not ready) but able to live again.

Yes I know finances aren't everything. I just feel like a failure.

Thursday night we were driving to Kohl's to meet my parents and Katy (in a VERY excited voice says, "Guess what mom? You don't need a house to get books from the library, all you need is a card. So if we don't get money and we loose our house we can still get free books from the library."

My heart broke into a million piece right then and there! My beautiful wonderful almost 8 year old is carrying around on her shoulders the worries of an adult and it isn't fair. I felt like a complete FAILURE as a mother!!! I have tried to guard and shield them from this as much as I can; while at the same time I am having to be honest and truthful with them, especially in regards to not having extra money for this and that.

I have not guarded and hid my fears deep enough from them. I know I have broken down a couple times and I try to hide it from them but they still notice. Katy hasn't been mentioning the fear of loosing our house or anything so I thought I was doing ok. That little paragraph she spoke to me made me realize she still worried...she just didn't tell me cause she didn't want me to worry about her.

I failed my Katybug! That kills me more than anything. So last night my break down and today's BLAH had a reason - I failed at protecting my daughter...instead she felt like she needed to protect me! It is NOT fair that she is faced with this and even has a reason to worry. It is NOT fair I didn't protect her more. It kills me!

So today I decided I needed to start over...I needed to recharge and refresh. I decided even though I had ZERO desire to go to the Temple, I would. I got Ben's pants out and hemmed and ironed them. I got a babysitter arranged. I got an appointment at the Oquirrih Mountain Temple. It was going to work - I was going to force it to.

Lyse had been sent to bed cause she wouldn't stop crying...I figured she needed a nap. She complained of a stomach ache before going to bed and when I went upstairs to wake her up so we could go to the temple she was BURNING up. I called Ben in and went and got the thermometer.

103 F.

I checked again - same answer. We got the shower running, put her in to help cool her off and then called the doctor. Complaining horrible and very suddenly of a stomach ache and then shortly thereafter have a fever had me very concerned. It concerned the doctors office too - I was told to take her to the ER.

Since we didn't have any Motrin or Tylenol in the house and had been told to take her to the ER, we headed immediately to the ER. Poor thing was not feeling well and cried the entire way there, the entire 5 minutes we were in the waiting room and then continued to cry for the next 3 hours. They tried to give her popsicles, they tried to give her pain reliever...we tried to give her popsicles, we tried to give her pain reliever. NONE of it worked. She wanted nothing to do with any of it.

When the easy answer of strep came back negative, the informed us they HAD to put in an IV, get some blood and do other tests. Lyse was NOT happy about the IV being put in. I held her on my lap, Ben held her as well. The nurse brought in what she called the "enforcement" a young, buff orderly. All 4 of us tried desperately to hold down Lyse, the 5 year old. She bawled. I bawled. My baby was sick, in pain and now we were inflicting more pain. My heart broke! I think I cried harder than she did! Nothing hurts more than holding your daughter down as she is in agony. NOTHING!!

During the process, Lyse knocked the nurse and needle and well lets just say LOTS of blood poured out. Unfortunately, that blood poured out onto my pants :( They are my favorite pants and DANG cute. Hopefully the blood will all come out. If not...oh well!

Once the IV was set, they gave Lyse some morphine. Once the morphine kicked in, Lyse for the first time in HOURS stopped crying. She allowed us to give her pain meds, she allowed us to get a urine sample. She ate a popsicle and then asked for more. Bart and Debbie came and Lyse played with their iphones.

Lyse was diagnosed with a UTI for sure. They are questioning if the UTI had moved to the kidneys. They also still wondered about the appendicitis, so we get to go back to the ER in the morning for a recheck and more antibiotics. The doctor wanted to leave the IV in over night but Ben was rather uncomfortable with that, so they did remove that. In the morning, she will either have to have a shot or have another IV or best case scenerio we can just get some oral meds...I am hoping for oral meds!

As the amazing sweet nurse removed Lyse's IV Lyse said to her, "That medicine you gave me took away all the pain...I didn't feel ANYTHING". The nurse smiled and chuckled and said, "Ya it will do that!" Lyse mentioned SEVERAL times how much she loved that morphine. Gotta watch that girl! :)

Tonight we are home and I am grateful. I know that the blessing Ben gave Lyse is the reason we are not checked into the hospital and sleeping there tonight. Even though I didn't get the temple, my priorities are back in order. My family is all that truly matters. Yes the other stuff DOES matter and is stressful but in the end I need to be a better mom at protecting Lyse and Katy from that yucky stuff and helping them enjoy the amazing stuff!

I am grateful to have 2 sleeping girls upstairs. I am grateful for a husband that holds the priesthood. I am grateful for my family!

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