Extreme stress and concern is a plague I seem to have caught.
I am seriously more lost than I have ever been or felt. I do not know what I should do or what is being asked of me.
I am desperate.
At the same time, my testimony is steadfast and strong. I know my Father in Heaven is in control but I don't know what actions I am supposed to take.
I wish my Patriarchal Blessing or a Priesthood Blessing would just give me the answer...but as MANY wise mothers have said, "You have to decide what is best" is the situation I am finding myself in and honestly... I. do. not. know.
I know many thing I have always struggled and worked towards may come to a halt and I must change but honestly I don't know if that is what I am supposed to do either.
I do know that 1 month without pay is not fun. I do know that 1 more month without income I can't do.
I feel like crap right now.
Yes, it is 2:00 am. Yes, I am awake with worry. Yes, I have applied for and search for many jobs tonight. Yes, I want to cry. Yes, I have no clue if what I am doing is right.
No, I am not sure if I can even pull us out of this pit with a measly $8/hour job. No, I don't want to leave home. No, I don't have a clue or incline of what would happen with my children were I to get a job. No, I do NOT like this.
I don't know what else to do. Honestly, right now I am posting items up on KSL trying to get a little bit of money to help out. Things I love and cherish could possibly be gone next time you come over. I am seriously contemplating selling the TV, surround sound, etc. for about $250...ya I know I am pathetic you don't need to point that out to me again.
Yes I know I could probably get money from parents but honestly I can't. I HAVE to do this on my own. I am honestly not sure what I need to do but I know something has to be done.
This whole situation kills me. I am tired of it.
Please pray for Ben and I and our family. We could use all the prayers possible!