Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My Ropes End

I feel like crap! Emotionally, Physically and all around crap! Honestly I would love to just die and have it all be gone...but would miss my husband and kids too badly.

Here is my list of crap for today:

Last week of unemployment will be this week...we don't get anymore. I have most credit cards maxed and my savings is down to $2000.

Maxed Credit Cards you say - Yes. That happens when you have to pay $1500 for health insurance because you had to have surgery and the alternative is paying $10000 for the surgery. Oh don't forget to add ALL the copays and prescription costs into that. I would say on me alone I am looking about about $4000 in medical expenses this year so far.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am on hecka strong mega dose of antibiotics. The 2, yes 2, I am currently on are the strongest they can possibly put me on without doing a pic line.

Which brings me to the next topic - I will either have to have a pic line and surgery or be hospitalized and surgery if the 2 antibiotics don't start working. It has been 5 days and when I talked to the dr. he agreed I should be feeling relief. I want to type "Why does the Lord hate me" but know that is only asking for him to show me what hate truly is...and I definitely don't want that.

I have a sick child. First it was Katy. She was miserable, in the hospital, struggling with asthma...you name it, she was struggling with it. Life SUCKED for that little thing. She got better. Thank you answer to prayers and Heavenly Father inspiring great men with modern medicine. Now it is Elyse's turn. Poor thing is miserable and whiny and making me miserable and whiny. What's the deal?!?

So right now we have no money, no more money coming in, Ben's business is starting to move forward but slow, jobs he has applied for nothing is happening with. I have more stress on my plate than I can handle. Honestly I look at our situation...6 months unemployed and honestly I think we will be filing bankruptcy.

I don't understand how the Lord wants me to struggle like this. I have faith, I walk forward in faith than days like this just bury me. I CAN NOT DO ANYMORE!!!!!!! I have met my breaking point. I don't have more to give! If I have to move back in with my parents or in-laws I will kill myself. I can't do it. I know that they all would help us try to keep our house but I can't put that financial burden on them either. My parents don't have the money and asking for it honestly might give my dad that last heart attack and put him in the grave. Bart and Debbie have mentioned several times lately that they just don't have money. Erin has moved back in with them and even though it isn't a ton, it does cost them more money. They go through more food, more electricity, etc. The church has offered several times to help. Our sweet bishop is the most amazing man. He often calls us in to just check on us, make sure we don't need anything.

I am NOT trying to be prideful, I just feel like I should take care of myself and my family. I don't feel as though that is something someone else should do for me. Being on unemployment and having food stamps was hard enough...now looking at the next month knowing I will probably have to ask family, friends and the church to help pay possibly my July and for sure August Mortgage payment - I CANT DO IT!! I know it is there to help I just don't want to have to ask for the help! Why do I have to face this? Why can't things work out? Honestly, I look at our future and I think: well we are going to be filing bankruptcy, loose our house and only car and be living on the street (I can NOT move in with family...can't do it, won't do it). What then? Where is the miracle I have been promised? Why must I have to face this? How long will I have to face this? Why when someone else screws up am I the one paying?

I have come to the end of my rope and honestly don't care if I go on to find a new rope to start it all.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know if you want comments on this post (it seems like you really needed to vent). But I thought I would let you know that I am sorry that you are having such hard battles right now.
    Since managing the apartment complex I have seen what some people have had to struggle with while going through unemployment. (I am not saying I understand completely) but I have been an outsider viewing in. They have had to put all pride aside and completely humble themselves. The church as been a support in many of their lives and some have been able to "repay" that debt. There are many forms of service that we do daily and can increase doing.
    I don't want to sound like I am telling you to take the money from the church, but from what your post says, maybe that is part of the lesson to be learned?
    This is just an opinion! I am still sorry that you and your family are going through such hard times and I truly hope that things get better soon!