Sunday, April 25, 2010

As If

I am trying hard to be happy, smiling and sharing of love. I am trying to not let the world mow me over. I am trying to understand the Lord's reasons for everything.

What I can't understand is why the Lord is wanting to take EVERY desire of my heart, wave it in front of my face and snatch it away.

I understand people will have more children and that they need to fulfill the Lord's plan for them. I get that.

Why can't I get one too though?

Am I really that horrible of a mom? A person? Can I not be entrusted with more?

I am really not seeing the Lord's plan on this one. EVERY person around me...people on both sides of the nephews (one could be a niece, no final verdict but I get the feeling it is a nephew).

Just when I think "What else can be thrown in my face and make me feel even worse"...something else is thrown in my face.

Tonight my heart hurts and I feel so alone.

Why must I endure the pain and heartache all over again.

I hate it. I just don't get it. I just don't understand.

Infertility sucks. Unemployment sucks. Being sick sucks. Having all three at one time feels like Hell.

Tonight I even feel like Family kinda sucks. I am sick of dealing with in-laws. I am sick of the rat race, never being enough. I have no desire to be their friends but I wish we could at least be friendly. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone unless they knew it all...but I don't have the ability to write it all.

My heart hurts as I find out about 1 more person being pregnant. Not that their pregnancy isn't happy is. Not that they are taking one of my babies. I guess what I don't understand is why! Why can't I have that little bit of joy added to my life? Why do I have to have this struggle?

I know I have been promised help in child birth...but what if my only chances at it are gone? What if I don't get anymore? I do NOT feel complete. If my family is over, through, complete...why can't the Lord at least let me feel complete, done?

As if I didn't already have enough...I now have heart ache the size of Alaska living in my chest, sucking out my breath.

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