Saturday, April 24, 2010


I think that word sums it up perfectly how I am currently feeling.

I can't put my finger on one set thing in which causes me to feel like I am drowning so quickly.

My brain seems to live in a constant haze and confusion.

I worry about everything and nothing.

I live in fear when I should be living in faith.

I am not sure how much more I can really take. I know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for me. I KNOW he is aware of me and where I am at. I am terrified of where His plan will take me, where I will be lead.

Following a path without having an answer of where it will take you just plain SUCKS! I know in the end I will be in a happy spot but what will be sacrificed between here and there?

I am so freaked out over money I can't sleep. My constant headaches are due in part to my current situation.

I am not and never have been a person to shirk off obligations. My credit score means a lot to me (even though I know it shouldn't). Earlier this year there was a bogus report on my credit that took my score down to 629. I FREAKED out...and that is putting it lightly. I fought and fought and finally won. This last week I pulled my report and I was at 720. While I know 720 isn't does show that I pay my bills and try to live within my means.

My credit cards have balances on them. Some of the balance I could have avoided in being more frugal here and there. When you are living on $400/week and get a $170 electricity are gonna have to use the plastic to pay everything.

Even typing this stresses me out to the point that I can feel a migraine, nervous breakdown and emotional outburst all at once come on.

How am I going to do this?

How am I going to miss that first car payment or mortgage payment?

What if we miss out on the unemployment extension and NO more money comes in after May 26th? What then?

Our savings has been murdered this last few months. I can only make 2 mortgage payments off car or any other payments can be made. May is only a hop, skip and jump away. What then?

My head hurts, my heart aches and I am too overwhelmed. Why can't people understand that I have reached my max, my breaking point? No pill is gonna bring me back from the dark place I am headed. I know the Lord's hand can and will pull me through...but once again fear. How long will I be lead through the darkness before I see the light?

I hate asking for help. I loathe it. I hate my parents, in-laws and church knowing my finances and that I need help with them.

I have tried and applied for TONS of jobs...not one call has come in for me.

Ben has applied and tried to get tons of jobs...only "No Thanks" emails have come back to him.

I have had to come to face reality that I just may loose my house and car and screw over my credit. My stomach lurches at the thought of having to move in with my parents.

I wish there was more I could do. The only thing I can do is have faith...and honestly I am faltering and that scares me more than my money woes :( I want to replace my fear with faith but that is a LOT easier said than done!

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