Monday, April 26, 2010

My heart hurts

There isn't much more I can say, type or express other than those 3 words.

I have tried to go to sleep. I have tried to just be happy. Instead I am sitting here in front of the computer with my heart aching so bad I want to scream.

When does it stop?

Will it ever?

What can I do to help it?

Why can't the Lord grant me the wish and desire for a baby?

Why am I having to struggle with infertility?

All these questions race through my mind as I think of 2 sister in laws that will be holding new babies before the end of this year.

I will completely admit that I don't know if I can take it if both end up being boys.

I I DESIRE a little boy.

Don't get me wrong..I LOVE little girls and would take all girls. BUT I would love to have a little man running around the house. I would LOVE for Ben to have a boy to wrestle, play catch and teach him how to mow the lawn.

I hate this feeling!!!! This sucks!!! What I hate more than anything is I am TOTALLY struggling being thrilled for these people that are getting their hearts desire. I don't struggle because I am mad at them, blame them, hate them or any of the above. I struggle because that is what my heart wants more than any other thing in this world.

I want a baby to hold and snuggle in my arms. I want to help raise another child...even experience potty training again.

Tonight my heart hurts and I wish I could just stop it from able to ask my Father in Heaven in person...why?!?!

I hate crying and I hate this feeling.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry Tauni. I wish I had the words to comfort you in your trying times. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all go away. I totally understand where you're coming from with the wanting of children. I am in the same boat every day and would love even just one, or a husband and the chance of children. It seems that sometimes our most righteous desires are the hardest to overcome when we go without. Thoughts and prayers are with you! We need to have GNO and laugh. :)