There isn't much more I can say, type or express other than those 3 words.
I have tried to go to sleep. I have tried to just be happy. Instead I am sitting here in front of the computer with my heart aching so bad I want to scream.
When does it stop?
Will it ever?
What can I do to help it?
Why can't the Lord grant me the wish and desire for a baby?
Why am I having to struggle with infertility?
All these questions race through my mind as I think of 2 sister in laws that will be holding new babies before the end of this year.
I will completely admit that I don't know if I can take it if both end up being boys.
I want...no I DESIRE a little boy.
Don't get me wrong..I LOVE little girls and would take all girls. BUT I would love to have a little man running around the house. I would LOVE for Ben to have a boy to wrestle, play catch and teach him how to mow the lawn.
I hate this feeling!!!! This sucks!!! What I hate more than anything is I am TOTALLY struggling being thrilled for these people that are getting their hearts desire. I don't struggle because I am mad at them, blame them, hate them or any of the above. I struggle because that is what my heart wants more than any other thing in this world.
I want a baby to hold and snuggle in my arms. I want to help raise another child...even experience potty training again.
Tonight my heart hurts and I wish I could just stop it from beating...be able to ask my Father in Heaven in person...why?!?!
I hate crying and I hate this feeling.