Improvement is my goal, blogging my release

I spent the day in the hospital yesterday.

I have a problem with worrying too much. That problem has turned to an ulcer over the last 10 months. That ulcer ate a hole clear through my stomach. We discovered this after a CT scan with contrast...followed by an MRI with contrast (both NASTY in case you were wondering. I am also now up 5 lbs! 5 FREAKING STUPID lbs...better just be water weight!)

In case you were wondering...the ulcer is EXTREMELY painful. EXTREMELY!!

Monday night the pain became so bad I ended up in the ER at 11:00 at night. I wasn't released until 3:00 in the afternoon the next day. Those 16 hours are just a daze. Honestly, I know that I spent at least 2 1/2 hours in the radiology lab drinking nasty contrast, throwing up nasty contrast, almost passing out while doing the needed walk around to get the contrast moving.

They kept me on oxygen the entire time because my blood oxygen levels dropped too low without the oxygen. Now at home I am wishing I had the oxygen here with me. My head feels the same as when they took me off the oxygen in the ER...rooms spins even when sitting.

I find out on Friday if they will do surgery or if I will just take medicines to heal the area. The doctors in the ER said this was very rare and I needed to stop worrying. Ya - like a doctor telling me that (as I am already stressing the hospital bill) is going to help change anything.

I hear over and over again that I need to stop worrying. While I UNDERSTAND that I do - does anyone else understand what I am dealing with, what I am going through?

If your entire world were being turned upside down, everything you had worked for your entire married life being taken away, basic bills and needs not being met would you be able to stop worrying? I have a mortgage due in about 15 days and honestly we have had so many other bills that we have decided to pay that I don't know where my mortgage payment is going to come from!!

Yesterday the doctors didn't want to send me home. My blood pressure was low, my heart rate was low even my temperature was low (96.6). The monitors kept on beeping and they kept on coming in and doing a double check. The one doctor told me, "Not to be rude but you look cruddy. I don't want to say you have to be admitted but I am putting it out there." I wanted to go home sooo bad and just get some good sleep in but at the same time, I too was concerned to leave. The pain is bad. My stomach hurts. My entire body just feels cruddy so I guess I am glad that at least I look how I feel!

In the end my worry wart came out and I thought, "How on EARTH would I pay the $100/day required by insurance for the hospital stay? I don't have the money, I will just go home." As we got ready to leave, I had a wave of pain hit me. The nurse didn't want to take off my wrist band or have me sign the papers. The doctor hesitated again. All of us were hesitant but I really did need some uninterrupted sleep and I didn't have the money to pay the $100 a night for it. I signed the papers and walked out of the ER.

A day later, I still don't know if I made the correct decision.

I am really hoping that medicine alone will solve my problem but I have a feeling that I am going to be under the knife (or scope...whatever) to fix this. It hurts!!!

Also - all the stupid freaking narcotics they have put in my system have left me with a headache the size of Texas. Taking more meds isn't going to help..just gotta have them flush out of my system.

Today I feel completely down trodden. Why does my health have to suffer? Why do I have to have these health problems? I already have enough on my plate!!! UGH!

Now I get to worry about the 5 lbs I gained, the $50 hospital co-pay plus whatever else they want to tack on there, the $35 co-pay for Fridays visit plus any other things that have to be done. I can't take the financial pressure much longer!!!! I am so grateful I will be working to help but right now I feel like that money isn't even going to start to dig us out of our nasty, horrible abyss of financial darkness. I hate being in debt and not having income. I hate our situation 99% of the time and worry about it 110% of the time.

I still will say the gastric bypass was 100% the correct decision. The ulcer would have come either way and could have been MUCH worse without the surgery than with it.

I am appreciative of Ben and what a wonderful husband he is.

Things have to get better! They just have too!!!!