Thursday, September 23, 2010

Raw Emotions

I have been a basket case with emotions lately.

I can't handle any more.

I HATE HATE HATE that I have to get a job.

I LOVE that I am able to get a job with the company I want to work for.

Did I mention that I HATE that I am having to get the job though?

My heart is breaking. I am mad. I am frustrated.

Today I had to get a letter that I was a stay at home mom. It absolutely BREAKS me heart that I have to give up that title...that my resume will have more than that on it. Stay at Home Mom has been the most important and BEST title ever in my life...I do NOT want to give it up. Yes I will still have title of Mom and that won't be taken away and I am grateful for that. I am just struggling with giving up the other part of that title.

Having to get a letter stating I am a stay at home mom has been emotional because I know that in getting that letter, I am changing my most coveted title, the only one I ever wanted.

I am sitting here BAWLING as my niece and nephew look at me like I am CRAZY! I guess I probably am.

I don't know why I am being put in the position I am being put in. I hate that it puts pressure on my marriage.

I know that Heavenly Father has lead and directed me in this direction. I know that He is guiding me. I know He is watching over me. It breaks my heart at the same time. I know that my Savior can heal my broken heart but right now it feels so broken I don't know how it can even start to be healed.

I have certain people that I hold a lot of anger towards right now and I don't like that either.

I hate this vulnerability. I HATE that I have to be the sole bread winner. I know we have grown from our trial this last year but this part of it makes me so mad again. I don't understand why Heavenly Father gave us this particular trial. In blessings I have been told over and over again that their is a bigger reason, a bigger picture and that I need to realize there is an eternal picture here. I just don't know what nor can I see what that is. I am having a REALLY hard time wrapping my brain around the eternal prospective when right here and now my heart is breaking and seems as though my life is falling apart.

I feel as though I am failing at the one thing I was told is the most important. I hate feeling like a failure. Right now I feel like everything is failing and falling around me and it frustrates me. Part of me (and I will admit it is the rebellious bad part) wants to say screw it to everything! Why am I trying so hard to make it all work when all I am doing is falling further behind and failing more and more.

A simple letter asking for a simple statement has brought up a TON of raw, hard emotions!

Poor Ben gets to deal and work through these with me.

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