Some things make you mad.
Some things make you sad.
Some things make you happy.
Some things make you content.
I MUCH prefer the bottom two verses the top two. I think everyone does.
Lately I have noticed the top 2 have crept into my life WAY too much. I hate the situation that I am in.
The feeling of discontent can ALWAYS be in your life, even once you have everything so finding contentment when you have nothing makes it much easier to feel contentment when you have an abundance.
For example: Currently I am weighing about 139 lbs and fit in a size 8. I am happy with my weight - not happy with my size. I want to be a size 6.
Now when I read that I think - STUPID!!! Of course size 8 is a great size to be. But there is a but. I want to be a size 6. I want my jeans to say "6" not "8" on them. For some reason "8" doesn't say skinny to me. Now you can argue and reason with me all day and I will agree that you are right but I can't get my mindset to change. I know part of that is because I look at a size "6" as my dream size. My dream weight was and is 139/140 lbs so I should be happy and content - nope this is silly me!
I used to dream of a size 6 and weighing 139 lbs. I need to learn to be content with my size 8 and 139 lbs.
Another example: I should be content that we are making our mortgage payment every month. I should be content that we are making our car payment and that we have a place to call home and car to get us where we need to go.
Nope...me again. I am not content or even nearly happy with the situation I find our family in. I hate it. Lately that hate has become stronger and stronger. Know what I hate the most?!? I hate that if Ben was still with the FAA right now we would be making a 6 figure income. Yeah I know might of been, could have been, should have been...yada yada yada...it wasn't so it isn't. It shouldn't matter but the problem is - it DOES!
So I guess when you get to the root of this...I hate that where we could of been is not where we are. I can look at the other side and I am trying to but lately it has been so hard! I am sick of getting left out of so much because I plain and simply do not have money.
I hate that my whole family went on a cruise and I couldn't afford to go.
I hate that my sister and parents are going to Hawaii and I can't afford to go.
I hate that my parents and brother went to the Broadway in UT showing of "The Lion King" and I couldn't afford to go.
I hate that I have to borrow a car when we have more than 1 place to be at the same time cause we don't even have a second car anymore.
I hate that I have to live off state help to get food in my house.
I hate that I have an electricity bill that I have no way of paying other than putting it on a credit card.
I hate that to even go CAMPING I had to get money from my parents to pay for the gas to the Uintas.
I hate that right now my life sucks!!!!
I am so sick of our situation. Mentally I don't know how much more I can take!
I am disgruntled with life and where I have found myself and what is going to have to take place to even just survive.
It. Is. Not. Fair!!!
I know the Lord has His reasons behind everything. I know He has a plan for our family and that is why we are where we are at. I just wish He would throw me a bone. I am sick of the struggling and feeling alone! I wish He would show me WHY our family couldn't have that financial security.
I am at my breaking point! How can I change this? What can I do? Why does my life have to be a financial failure?
I am NOT asking for millions. My list of worldly things is small and simple.
1. Own a house with a backyard and grass - not a stupid, freaking condo that is 900 sq ft and has a small cement patio. The house does NOT have to be huge. It does NOT have to be modern. I would just like it to have more than 900 sq ft...1400 on one level of 1800 on 2 would be amazing, awesome and a dream come true right now. Any more than that and I would feel like I owned a mansion!!
2. Own a second vehicle. Sharing a vehicle while driving carpool, trying to make it to job interviews and doctors appointments is proving to be a hassle. I am already having to work around the 1 car situation and making sure my kids are to school and picked up on time is such a headache and now with the potential of me having to commute to work every morning and get home at the same times children need to get to school - I want a second car. yes I said want. None of these things on my lists are a true "need" for survival. I know that!!! Heck even a bike so that I could bike to work would suffice - but I don't even have that!
3. Have a savings account again. Yes we were blessed to have savings. We would be DEAD in the water without it. I am grateful we had what we had....I just wish I could have spent it how I had planned and promised my girls - a vacation and a house. This, I think, is the only thing on my want list that is technically something that is on the "need" list too. Everyone needs a savings account.
4. Be able to take a vacation. This I need desperately. I NEED to get away!!! I need to get out of town. I don't need to go to Hawaii (although I want to). I don't need to go to even California. I would be happy with a couple days in ID or Vegas. I can't afford either of those luxuries.
5. Be able to afford clothing for me and my family. I have lost weight this year...about 160 lbs to be precise. In that time I have been so super de duper blessed to only have had to purchase: 1 pair pants (it also came with a plain white t-shirt) for $9, 1 blouse for $3, 2 shirts for $2.50, 1 dress so I had one that fit for Katy's baptism $20, 1 skirt for $10, 1 pair of capris for $12, 1 exercise pants for $3 and this last week I splurged and purchased a pair of jeans for $20. I did not have 1 pair of long pants that fit me.
I know this is a rant but to feel ubber guilty over spending approximately $80 in the last YEAR on clothes for me. I would like to repeat that this is also the last YEAR in which I have lost an entire person - 160 lbs. Of the clothes I have purchased over the last year, I only purchased when I had no other clothes that fit me. I felt horrid for purchasing a pair of pants for me when I had no other long pants that fit me.
I went from this:
In 1 year - this is my 1 year photo.
Yes I am blessed. I am soooo blessed to have lost the weight. I am so immensely blessed that we had amazing insurance. I am SOOOO Grateful to have lost the weight. This rant in NO way is trying to back pedal or not show how grateful that I have been able to do that! And I also want to note that I probably did say I would trade all my riches in the world to be skinny and able to live life. Living my life is super special and the fact that I can now live my life is HUGE!! I probably did curse myself so I only have myself to blame but still this is my illogical rant - so I am going to rant!
I was also blessed that I didn't have to purchase and was able to have clothes that worked for me. Many times I have worn several things that have not been my style and I have not liked not because I wanted to but because I had no other options. I have counted myself lucky to spend so little. I want to though! I want to be able to shop and get some clothes that I really like. And as you can see from above...my clothes are still cute so I guess I really shouldn't complain. The capris on the ones I purchased...I only had those and 1 other pair of hand me down capris that I wore all summer.
Today I was embarrassed when someone asked me why on earth I was wearing a Bingham High School shirt when I went to Copper Hills. I then got to explain it is cause I have only 3 t-shirts that fit me: 1 I got when I was 19 and I gave to my sister and she gave it back to me a couple months ago, 1 is a t-shirt from my sister and one of her tropical destinations vacations and she no longer wanted it. It is a bit too big but it is a t-shirt after all so that doesn't matter much (I wear that yellow t-shirt a lot when we are hiking). The last - well the last is this t-shirt...my sisters old high school t-shirt she wore on Bingham High game days. I wear what I can get and I am grateful for it. I just wish I could afford to spend a little bit of money on getting me some clothes that fit and I feel good in. Oh wait - I did do that...it was my $20 jeans and I have felt HORRIBLY guilty ever since - even though my sister gave me the money to buy myself the jeans. That money should have went to the bills.
So ya, ya I know poor pity me. This wasn't to make others think that I am a whiner (even though I am being one) or a spoiled little rich girl going through some hard times. Yes I was spoiled growing up and I am learning that more each day.
I would just like to no longer qualify for food stamps. At least then we are making enough that the govt. will no longer have pity on us and our income situation!!!
Once again - I am grateful for what we do have. Even from our meager $1500/month right now we have had less in the past. For 2 months over the summer...we had MUCH less - like $0!
Help me focus on happy and good please! I don't know how much more I can take!!! I have done this for so long and since I am not seeing a positive turn in the future I feel trapped! I just want to see a positive light at the end of what seems like a never ending dark abyss!
My life is hard right now but I guess it could be worse. We could be in this situation and I could have that 160 lb person attached to me still.
There are more positives...I will continue looking for them!!