Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Where is my plan?

I know I have a lot to catch up on such as our Christmas fun and all that jazz. I did get Christmas all put away this last week and our house back to normal (thanks to the help of Ben). It is nice to feel like the house is back to normal...I wish life were.

In case you had not noticed from postings...I am struggling with depression BIG time right now. I hate where I am at, am in constant tears and the thought of having to put in one more day of work makes me want to die. I miss my kids. I miss just being their mom. I miss my husband and being able to just be a wife. I miss time.

I know same old same old...all you read is about how I miss. I keep trying to look at the here and now blessings and they just hurt. The blessing that Ben now has a job is often over-shadowed by the fact that I too have one. It is overshadowed by the fact that if he had not lost his job as the ATC then we would have the money to be in a house in a good neighborhood, we would not have a years worth of unemployment debt and we would not have me working.

A while ago I got a blessing and in it I was told not to loose sight and to remember that Heavenly Father always wants what is best for us and He is looking at the eternal prospective of things. I understand the eternal prospective but I also need some help here and now!!! I understand that Ben probably lost that job because he needed to fulfill priesthood callings he would not be able to fulfill in that job (he would have odd hours and work Sundays). I do know that most likely if he still had that job he would not be Elder's Quorum president because he would not be able to be there on Sundays. I see that he has a great plan for him and his callings but what about me?

Why am I the one that now has to work Sundays?

I feel like Heavenly Father's plan is helping Ben with his spiritual uplifting and growth and has completely squashed mine.

I am contemplating asking being released from my calling because I do not feel worthy. How can I teach the primary children to keep the sabbath day holy and not work when I myself have to work? I do not feel like I am a good example any longer. The sad thing is that stands for my children too.

I am trying. Failing and falling further and further into a pit of sadness, despair and depression.

I no longer want to dream. I have found that each dream I have had gets crushed and never achieved so why do it any longer? I could give you a list a million miles long of each dream I strive for and how each time I really work towards it, it is squashed into millions of tiny shards that burn and cut like walking over glass with bare feet. Then to make it worse I see as many, MANY around me are given that EXACT dream of mine. It is like having that glass in your foot and then having to walk on it and not be able to remove it. I just can't do it anymore!!!! It isn't like I am asking for a million (or even $100k) dollars, I am not asking for a mansion, I am not asking for twins.

Currently I am stuck in our tiny condo in a ward that is full of people either moving on to good neighborhoods or getting blessed with wonderful new little babies (seriously HUGE baby boom at least 5 women that I am aware of pregnant and due next spring/summer)...all these moms also have the blessing of being able to stay home. So obviously Heavenly Father isn't against giving the blessings...just doesn't want to give them to me. I guess I am just not worthy for that either.

As for the weight maintenance update: currently at 136...not bad after the holidays but I know I need to get into the gym and get fit.

As for FHE update: not been amazing at it but still getting it done somewhat

As for family prayers and scripture study: still doing that most nights...some nights we get lost and it is too late for both but we still try to do it nightly.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry Tauni! I know exactly how you feel with wanting something so badly that it hurts and you become so frustrated.