Happiness is a choice. The question is how do you constantly choose happiness when each time you do more crap is piled on your plate?
I am truly exhausted with life. I pray daily for help and relief from some of our trials only to be given more.
I want to quit and earlier today I did. I gave up on everything only to feel complete remorse and guilt and cry in Ben's arms until I fell asleep from exhaustion and tears.
I am so tired of hearing, "ya well you should be grateful you are only dealing with xxxx you could be dealing with xxxx like so and so". Guess what I feel bad for so and so...I really do. Guess what else - I have absolutely EVERYTHING on my plate I can possibly handle. I can't even balance my plate. To be quite honest - I am sick of the plate I have been given.
I am so TIRED of unemployment. This time around is much WORSE. Not only do we have a previous year of having dealt with it (and all the struggles that come from that)...this time I am also now having to work full time to try and pull us through it. It sucks!
I am trying soooooo soooooo hard to make happiness just be a part of me and forget it. I have done a great job of pretending until Mother's Day. Something just snapped while I was in Sunday School. I have given soooo much and people talk about their struggling with only $700/week and I just lost it. Completely lost it...got up and left cause I was crying so hard I could not contain it. They do not even understand what a blessing $700/week would be! I have since been in tears all day long each day. I am trying to be happy, it's just not working.
I ran out of gas because I was out of money to put it in the car. I then got to walk over a mile in the down pouring FREEZING rain to the nearest station. I had to purchase not only gas but a gas can cause they didn't have a loaner and that 1 gallon of gas cost me $13.98. Later when telling someone about it I was told, "Oh can I tell so and so that would make them feel better cause they ran out of gas the other day..." Great that my hardships and struggles make everyone else feel better about their own. I am sick of being the person that makes others feel better about where they are!
It is also really hard to focus on happy and try HARD to show a good attitude to only have people say, "well you are doing much better than you were previously good for you for choosing the good attitude". It truly makes me want to punch them in the face. Don't point out my crappy or good attitude (especially in a belittling way). My life is not easy right now, I don't need your judgments.
As you can see...today's happiness is a struggle. I do not understand why everything I pray for help in, Ben is the one that is given it (and he doesn't want it!!)! Seriously, EVERY little thing I have prayed for the opposite happens to me and the exact thing I asked for happens to Ben. I prayed that I could figure out a way to quit and just stay home with my kids. Instead I ended up working full time and Ben got to be home with the kids. I prayed for help in my calling and that the Bishop would just be inspired to release me, instead Ben is being released (if you are in the ward surprise!...it will most likely be announced this next week...we have known for a couple weeks already and each week are just waiting for it to be announced). I would have been COMPLETELY happy having Ben keep his job and calling and me lose both! Do not get me wrong, I love my calling, I am just overwhelmed.
I plead and beg for help and I feel so alone. I am so tired of this battle in life! I choose happiness and more trials are thrown at me. Maybe if I choose bitterness at least I don't have to put on a show of happiness?
Honestly, I just don't know anymore!