Sunday, November 7, 2010

Called in Sick and the guilt is eating me up!!!

This Sunday we didn't go to church. I feel like we are evil! I haven't felt the best today, Lyse had cried non-stop and honestly it was something I just couldn't do today. I called in sick!

I am sitting here in my sweats and hoodie with a blanket over me and wishing it was an electric blanket. I feel cruddy but I feel HORRIBLE about not going to church. I know I am working Sundays for quite some time here on out :( and I should have just sucked it up and went. I hate that next Sunday I CAN'T go. I hope and pray I am able to trade some work away!!!! I would like to say that today was a mental health day from church but honestly I know that a mental health day would be AT church enjoying the peace. Honestly I don't know that I am sick sick. A little nauseated and a LOT just feeling under the weather.

We did try an outing this afternoon. We tried a little picnic up the canyon this afternoon and while it was fun, it wasn't a long time. I was feeling a little better and needed to get out of the house and so did the kids. Once up the canyon, the fresh air felt good until I ate something. Soon after I was feeling like the canyon walls were spinning, I spilled food all over the table then had to get stuff to clean it up the entire time just wishing I was at home on my couch. We headed back down the mountain shortly thereafter and I was thinking that I didn't remember that many loops and turns in the canyon. I felt like I was going to hurl the few bites I ate :( I hate ruining a perfectly fun activity with feeling sick.

I have to feel better tomorrow. That is the part I hate about working. It doesn't matter if I am feeling under the weather or puking my guts out...there is not calling in sick. Earlier this week I got a HORRIBLE migraine and puked in the bathroom. I had to go back into work and finish my work day. I love soo much about my job and seriously we would be dead in the water without the paychecks so I am grateful for them. There is always a bright side and my job has a LOT of them. The downfalls of being a working mom are hard. I hate leaving my kids and I LOVE that this is the last week that I am 40 hours. HUGE HAPPY DANCE!!!

I passed my final test at work and ended with an overall average of 97% - YAY! I am so relieved to know that I know the information and that I am DONE with the tests. Now comes the fun part of actually USING that information. Tomorrow is my first day of phone work. I am excited (and a bit nervous). I can't call in sick if I am running a fever of 104 so it ain't gonna happen if I am feeling under the weather.

Guilt is eating me up today. We have a LOT going on and I feel a lot of guilt. Guilt that my money doesn't do much to help with extra money - basically just covers the very basics. Guilt that I am leaving my children and we are still BARELY making it. Guilt that I have to work Sundays. Guilt that I didn't go this Sunday cause I am just completely overwhelmed.

There I said it...I am overwhelmed with everything in life!!

My house TOTALLY shows this! If it weren't for Ben we would have weeks of laundry and dishes. My bathrooms need a good scrubbing and it ain't gonna happen today. Toilet bowl cleaner totally works without the scrub brush right?!?! The summer clothes can DEFINITELY be put away now but I have found my daughter in her SHORTS the past few days. I keep insisting it is not short weather but I am not heard I guess. I need some time to go through clothes. Both my girls have also had growth spurts and clothes need to be retired to a bin or donated....but when? I have dust that multiplies daily and my floors that I spent all last Saturday mopping need another good mopping this week. My kids need me and I need to help them more.

I wish calling in sick didn't make me feel worse! Sorry Becca and Aubrey for putting more on your shoulders and failing at not fulfilling my end. I want to pull my weight but I just don't know how much I can truly do. I keep saying I can do this and that but in the end I am watching as everything just falls down around me. I can see and feel balls slipping from my grasp. I am soooo grateful to see the end of working 40 hours a week...I just also see the end of my being home and available Sundays. I see the end of being able to be at church every week. I cried the other day when I realized that the Sunday before Christmas I will be at work and unable to listen to the beautiful choir music. Working on Sundays doesn't make it easier on my guilt.

1 comment:

  1. Friend! DOn't worry about it, we were totally fine!! You know how Becca as a cucumber :)

    Miss seeing you!!