I have been feeling a bit under the weather lately. I was thinking that maybe all my stress was becoming like depression and causing physical ailment. I decided to check with a doctor.

Tonight I found out my blood right now is worse than when I was just released from the hospital.

The dr refused to run any more tests, telling me it was out of his league and I had to find the time to get into an oncologist ASAP.

I am actually relieved to know its not all in my mind, that my exhaustion has a reason.

My weight is super out of control as well. I am up to 142.3 as of the dr. scale tonight. That is 10 lbs!!!! So watching the food super close and gotta try and find energy to actually get some exercise in. Wish me luck!!

Gratitude

The attitude of Gratitude is a lot easier said than done...but I am trying!

I am grateful for wonderful family and friends.

I am grateful for a caring, concerned friend that I think I offended when she mentioned my overwhelmed life with the primary president. I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just caught off guard. Already stressed beyond stress and being caught off guard does not make for a nice Tauni! If you are reading this A - I am really sorry!!!

I am grateful for the temple. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that is forgiving of my faults (especially my lack of faith and patience faults).

I am grateful forever and ever for my wonderful amazing husband. He is EXACTLY the person I need in life. He is the ying to my yang. He is an amazing man that I could never (nor ever) want to live without!

My children. Lately I lost sight of what a blessing they truly are! I LOVE my children. I am so grateful I have them and that I am privileged enough to be their mother. At times I feel bad they got stuck with me as the insufficient mom but soooo grateful that Heavenly Father still sent them to me.

I don't want to feel bitterness and resentment for things lost in the past. The only way that will happen is if I look forward to tomorrow with gratitude for what I have today.

I am working on my Attitude of Gratitude! It's gonna take work. I have been so focused on what I am loosing that I have forgotten to see what I have been blessed with! I know that my family will be ok. I am even thinking we may make it out of this without bankruptcy. We shall see on the bankruptcy but I know we will be ok.

I have my family and for that I am eternally grateful!!!

Adventurous Attitudes

There is so much going on but not much changing around here lately.

The girls are finishing up their school year. It's so hard to believe that I am going to have a 1st and 4th grader! CRAZINESS I tell you!!!

Ben is on the job hunt.

Currently I am working a lot. I will have about 48 hours in this week.

Through it all I have struggled (I bet you couldn't guess that). However, Sunday something clicked and changed.

I am blessed. No we don't have it easy but we are moving forward. We will be ok. My job helps pay the necessary bills and in the end that is all that matter right?!?

I am trying hard to listen and concentrate on feeling the Lord's strength in my life.

Today we got some bad news and I would like to boast a bit that I didn't loose it. I said, "ok" and moved forward. There is nothing I can do to change it, I can only deal with what we have been handed.

I am excited for what adventures we may be handed over the next few months and years. With everything going on, you know there has to be a some pretty big adventures headed our way!

My Thursday

This last Thursday had just about everything that could happen actually happen.

I traded away the entire day from work. I had such a full day of taking care of my kids and events I knew I would need the time. Little did I know even more would be added!!!

So Wednesday night while at work Ben texted and told me Katy was sick. So since I was at work and had my work peeps at my disposal I traded away the only 3 hours I was working. I needed to take Katy to the doctor.

When I got up Thursday morning...this was my schedule:

8:30 - 9:00 Take kids to school
10:00 - 11:00 Be back at school to watch Elyse's dance performance
11:40 Pick Lyse up from school
12:00-1:00 Go to gym
1:00 - 2:00 Go home, eat lunch and get ready
2:00 - 3:30 Pick Katy up from school and take to Dr. Appt
3:45 - Have kids back at school for Dance recital prep
5:00 Pick kids up from Dance
6:40 Have girls back at school ready for Dance recital
7:00 Dance Recital
8:30 Home, put girls to bed - Fall in bed myself

Ok so that WAS the schedule. This IS what happened:

8:30 - Take kids to school. On way car starts acting REALLY funny. We have been having car issues for a while with our van. It SUCKS!!! When you only have 1 car, having that 1 car work is kinda important!

Well the van was a 2008 Chrysler Town and Country. Here are the problem:

1. Serious break issues (replaced brake pads 2 xs, then we paid for the pads, calipers and rotors 1 time due to design flaw in vehicle...car currently needed new brake pads, rotors and calipers again...that is WAY too many brake problems for less than 2 years of ownership!!!)

2. Replaced tires last April due to brake design flaw we were needing to replace them again. Oh did I mention tires are NOT cheap and hard to come by for the van. Walmart, Sam's Club and Costco don't even carry the size of tire the manufacture requires for van. Yay ANOTHER crappy design flaw. (By the way there is a class action lawsuit starting in regards to brake and tire issue on this car because they won't recall like they should)

3. The car has had 4 SERIOUS recalls (like car starting on fire due to radiator not sealed properly, brakes having flaws and not working). You would think that SOMETHING would be fixed in all those recalls. Nope! Our brakes were covered cause apparently at 34k miles on a car replacing the brake pads, calipers and rotors is NORMAL but at 32k miles it is not - Whatev!

4. The air conditioner went out - completely dead!

5. The engine was burning oil (even though we did all oil changes like were requested and required).

6. The rear suspension was making horrible metal clanking sounds.

The last one was the one that cause the whole schedule to change on Thursday.

See the sound just got worse and worse and WORSE until it sounded like the axle was breaking into piece. I kinda think it was. We had looked at a couple cars, worked on a deal with one car and while they kept contacting us on it the right deal had not been worked out. I just figured we were cursed with our van and had come to accept it until Thursday morning. When the clanking was so bad and the car vibrated unbelievably when braking (or at least attempting to brake) the car was a hazard...I gave up.

This became our schedule (please note the girls school is a 15-20 minute drive from our home):

8:30 Luckily get kids safely to school
9:00 Go get dressed and drive back to school for Lyse's Dance performance
10:00 Watch Lyse's Dance performance
11:15 While test driving Hyundai because a new car is no longer an option, get call back from Nissan dealership on car we had been working deal on for almost 2 weeks...they will agree to the one lease option
11:40 Pick Lyse up from school...trying to decide if we want to go with original Nissan deal or go back and try something with Hyundai.
12:00 Call Nissan and tell them we will be in to sign Lease
12:15 Get home clean out car, feed Lyse lunch, go to dealership
1:50 CAR DEALERSHIPS TAKE FOREVER leave to go take Katy to dr. appt
2:30 Get to Katy's dr. appt - DR APPT TAKE FOREVER!!!
3:00 Poor Katy's ear is super infected :(
3:15 Get back at to car dealership to finish signing papers. They decide to train a new guy on paperwork with us. I tell them I HAVE to leave and get them to their dance recital preview.
3:45 FINALLY GET OUT OF DEALERSHIP. Girls are late to dance recital preview :(
4:10 Drop girls off at Dance Recital Preview
5:00 Pick girls up from Dance Recital preview and race home to get them ready
6:00 Get in car and head back up to school for dance recital
6:20 Get phone call from Mom - "Dad's Defibrillator went off. Go to the girls dance recital we love you. Dad is now conscious and breathing we are headed to the hospital."
6:20 Call all siblings try to get more information
6:30 Get call from mom saying going to Jordan Valley Hospital and currently in ambulance.
6:40 Get girls to dance and frantically try and figure what the HECK I am going to do.
7:00-8:00 Watch Girls Dance Recital while stressing, checking text messages and FREAKING OUT!!!
8:00 Go straight to Hospital
8:30 Get to hospital...Dad, Mom and only siblings there...have some family time...dad is doing ok
9:15 Go to Mom and Dad's measure swamp cooler to get it up and running
10:00 Finally get home and get girls in bed...get some work for Friday traded cause we need to help mom and dad at their house
10:35 Crash into bed.

So Thursday:

I went to 2 dance recitals (one in morning one in night)
Bought a car
Drove about 100 miles
Visited Dad in hospital
Had a nervous break down!

My life is so full of adventure!

So I bet you are wondering about the car part. So here it is:

We got rid of our 2008 Chrysler Town and Country and we are now leasing a 2011 Nissan Alitma. We looked into trading in for used, new, anything that would not hurt us financially month to month or basically overall. We looked into selling privately vs trade in but with all the problems that was hard. Not many people want a car that is burning oil, needs new tires and you have to replace brakes every 6 months. We really looked at everything and all options. We test drove EVERY sedan out there. In the end when the van was on its last leg, we got the call from the dealership and although I was always against leasing...this really worked out GREAT for our family. I feel like it was meant to be. Hope I feel that way a couple years from now!

Here are some pictures of our cute kiddos and our old and new car!

The last picture was taken by Ben when he took the girls up the canyon while I was at work.


PS My weight updates cause lately it SUCKS. Today I am at 137. I have no clue how I am going to get back down. I am so tired of just moving up in weight. Got to find time to exercise and count calories!

Doing better...

Whining and complaining has helped me feel better - thanks for listening. I needed a little venting I think.

Life really hasn't gotten any easier. Actually I have sick kiddos on top of everything else. However, I am coping a little better.

Everything will work out. There is a plan, I just can't see all of it. I am not alone thankfully.

Patience. I need to be better with it!

My life sucks...deal with it! (ya this might not be a happy post)

Happiness is a choice. The question is how do you constantly choose happiness when each time you do more crap is piled on your plate?

I am truly exhausted with life. I pray daily for help and relief from some of our trials only to be given more.

I want to quit and earlier today I did. I gave up on everything only to feel complete remorse and guilt and cry in Ben's arms until I fell asleep from exhaustion and tears.

I am so tired of hearing, "ya well you should be grateful you are only dealing with xxxx you could be dealing with xxxx like so and so". Guess what I feel bad for so and so...I really do. Guess what else - I have absolutely EVERYTHING on my plate I can possibly handle. I can't even balance my plate. To be quite honest - I am sick of the plate I have been given.

I am so TIRED of unemployment. This time around is much WORSE. Not only do we have a previous year of having dealt with it (and all the struggles that come from that)...this time I am also now having to work full time to try and pull us through it. It sucks!

I am trying soooooo soooooo hard to make happiness just be a part of me and forget it. I have done a great job of pretending until Mother's Day. Something just snapped while I was in Sunday School. I have given soooo much and people talk about their struggling with only $700/week and I just lost it. Completely lost it...got up and left cause I was crying so hard I could not contain it. They do not even understand what a blessing $700/week would be! I have since been in tears all day long each day. I am trying to be happy, it's just not working.

I ran out of gas because I was out of money to put it in the car. I then got to walk over a mile in the down pouring FREEZING rain to the nearest station. I had to purchase not only gas but a gas can cause they didn't have a loaner and that 1 gallon of gas cost me $13.98. Later when telling someone about it I was told, "Oh can I tell so and so that would make them feel better cause they ran out of gas the other day..." Great that my hardships and struggles make everyone else feel better about their own. I am sick of being the person that makes others feel better about where they are!

It is also really hard to focus on happy and try HARD to show a good attitude to only have people say, "well you are doing much better than you were previously good for you for choosing the good attitude". It truly makes me want to punch them in the face. Don't point out my crappy or good attitude (especially in a belittling way). My life is not easy right now, I don't need your judgments.

As you can see...today's happiness is a struggle. I do not understand why everything I pray for help in, Ben is the one that is given it (and he doesn't want it!!)! Seriously, EVERY little thing I have prayed for the opposite happens to me and the exact thing I asked for happens to Ben. I prayed that I could figure out a way to quit and just stay home with my kids. Instead I ended up working full time and Ben got to be home with the kids. I prayed for help in my calling and that the Bishop would just be inspired to release me, instead Ben is being released (if you are in the ward surprise!...it will most likely be announced this next week...we have known for a couple weeks already and each week are just waiting for it to be announced). I would have been COMPLETELY happy having Ben keep his job and calling and me lose both! Do not get me wrong, I love my calling, I am just overwhelmed.

I plead and beg for help and I feel so alone. I am so tired of this battle in life! I choose happiness and more trials are thrown at me. Maybe if I choose bitterness at least I don't have to put on a show of happiness?

Honestly, I just don't know anymore!

Can I break through this cement?

I know we all have trials. I know that we are all young flowers waiting for our adversity to pass so that we can blossom; However, I think I am a flower trying to bloom but I am under a foot of concrete cement where someone else decided to create a parking lot or sidewalk. Lately I have felt the weight of the cement crushing me from growing. I have found that I don't want to go out with friends, go to family functions or well pretty much anywhere unless it's just my little family (Ben, Katy, Lyse and I). Wanna know the main reason why? Money.

I feel like the "we are poor" routine is OLD! It's also REALLY REALLY hard watching those around us enjoying new homes, looking for new homes, new toys, etc.

We most likely will be filing bankruptcy unless a new amazing paying job lands in Ben's lap.

HOWEVER, tonight I went to an AMAZING work function and I realized something.

I am blessed. I truly love my job. It is an EXCELLENT job. I went from being a stay at home mom with little to no work experience and only an Associates Degree to working for a company as a reservations agent and now in a supervisory position within 7 months. Not many places allow you this opportunity.

I know it is not only the company...it's Heavenly Father's plan. I know He has intervened and helped.

Tonight I feel blessed. No I can't buy toys, pay all my bills (and right now even purchase food) and well money is more than just "tight". Yet we have food on our table. We still have a roof over our heads. Yes it is highly possible that Ben's loosing his job will cause us to have to file bankruptcy but as I was told today by an amazing person -- there IS life after bankruptcy. It doesn't have to define you. You just have to realize sometimes crappy things happen and it's your attitude through it all that makes the difference.

So here is to yet another attitude change. I know our trials are not easy but no one's trials are. That is what makes us grow and blossom. There is a reason when you are walking through a parking lot you can always find the flower that made it through the cement...it made it through it's adversity. I can be that flower. I can blossom. I just have to have the Lord, my eternal sweetheart and my kids on my side!!