Friday, November 18, 2011

Gratitude shouldn't be this hard

Today I am having a hard time with this. I know it should not be this hard, yet here I am stuck in the situation of it being hard.

It has been a tough bit.




You name it and I am worried about and over it. I am overwhelmed, underwhelmed and all the in between. It's pretty hard being grateful when you are in that situation but I am trying.

This morning I sat and thought and thought and thought of what I am grateful for. I could name things but nothing just rang deep down true.

I am loosing and have lost so much that my lines are blurred (mostly by tears) and I am not really sure what to do or where to go. The people I love most, many truly have no incline of how I am really doing or how hard life is right now. I have support yet at the same time I don't. I know everyone wants to support me but how can they when by trying to support and ask it only makes matters worse and makes me feel like crap.

I swear if I hear, "You will never be homeless" one more time! lol No seriously, I will be! I won't be in a shelter on the street homeless. I will always have somewhere to STAY but that is the difference. It's a place to STAY not a place to call HOME.

The saying, "Home is where the heart is" is so true but what if you have given and given and given until you just don't have a heart any more? What does that do for my children and creating a home for them? I fear they have lost that security this last 2 years, especially this last year and last 6 months.

I am trying to hold the dual roll of stay at home mom and working mom and as of late I have been working full time hours and trying to still fulfill both roles. Then you add church and trying to do visiting teaching, callings and service to others. I just don't have more to give yet I don't have choices but to continue to try and keep all the balls in the air. It is starting to feel like I am juggling several bowling balls that keep growing and growing. Some days they feel the size of boulders.

I have lost me.

I have lost my husband.

For the first time EVER, Ben informed me the other night he couldn't keep doing it. The girls were crying and fighting, I was working, dinner was cooked but not on the table because I was working. Ben had just got off work of his 16 hour day. He walked in the door to the fighting, lost it on both the girls within 5 minutes. In turn I took personal time from work to settle the girls and ask him to please not yell...he walked back out the door. Later I was told he contemplated just not walking back. Ben is just as overwhelmed with juggling boulders.

I want my husband back.

I want a life back. My life.

Ya it's gotten that bad.

There is just plain and simply too much on our plates and I just don't know where, how or WHAT I can do to change it. I work more and it helps the finances and kills the house having any order, the kids getting homework done, the family life and my sanity. I work less and it kills the finances and my sanity. I give up on it all? I am trying to work more so Ben can work less but that just creates bitter feelings. I work less and Ben still works the same and finances crash. All around we are loosing.

I am trying so hard to find things each day that I am grateful for. I am trying to bring gratitude into my life more. Today it just isn't least not right now. I have spent a LONG time on my knees this morning praying, begging and pleading. The day seems to get dimmer and gloomier as time goes by. I am looking for gratitude in things I won't loose because so much is being lost right now. It terrifies me that the only things I do have left are being torn apart by the things I am loosing.

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