Family of 4 err maybe 5?

I want a baby.

I have not hidden the fact that I want another baby. I want to snuggle, love and shower love on another little one in our home.

A few weeks ago I finally made the decision that I FEEL another one that is meant to come to our family. I have prayed, pondered and thought about this for such a long time. I still feel that there is another spirit meant to come to our family.

When I talked to Ben about this he agreed. Awhile later we were at his parents house he joked about not wanting another. I lost it. Not that I didn't know he was joking. I was fairly certain he was HOWEVER he had mentioned the same concerns to me previously as the reason he didn't want another.

Sleepless nights
Diaper changing
Toddler proofing the house
More work and preparation for events (such as camping or 4-wheeling)

I don't know why I lost it on him and told him "if he didn't want another the place to tell me was not at his parents house". I was REALLY defensive about it.

I want another baby. Ben is completely supportive of me in this. We even went to the doctor to start getting all my woman stuff fixed so that we can even have the possibility of having another. Ben came and sat with me through it.

My dilemma? I am not 100% convince that this is what Ben wants. I highly question if he truly wants another or if he is just supporting me because he knows that is my heart's desire. I know part of it is he is afraid of getting hurt again. Each pregnancy that ended in miscarriage has killed him as much as me. Each failed attempt at pregnancy each month wasn't only emotional on me, it took a toll on him too.

I am moving forward but with apprehension because I don't know fully where he stands. I wonder at times if he is just torn (because I know I am at times). 2 kids that are older definitely makes life easier. The kids go off and play and we can do our own thing. When we go to Trafalga, camping, hiking or 4-wheeling...it is simple and easy. We have a system and it works good...but then my heart feels that additional one and I know that our system is not complete. I know we have another that needs to come to us. I know I need to do all in my power to help that little Spirit have their chance on earth.

Another hard part is work. I refuse to make my mom a babysitter. I refuse to make my mother in law a babysitter. I can't afford to quit. If we have another little one - how on earth are we going to make it work? I can't afford a babysitter either! I guess this is where faith comes in. I need to have faith that my Father in Heaven is going to lead and guide our family. He will produce the correct situation for our family as long as we continue and follow his plan.