Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Never enough

Times in tears today: 5

Hours feeling overwhelmed: 24

Feeling of discouragement:  completely present!

I haven't felt this discouraged in such a long time.  I know we are in such a better place but it just seems like no matter how hard we try, how careful I budget...I can never make the money go to all the needs.

I am not talking about wants (such as a second car) I am talking about real NEEDS like healthy food in the house, basic bills (water, sewer, electricity, gas) paid.

We haven't had rain in a bit and our grass needs watered.  I don't have a hose that can water my yard nor do I have the money to buy one.  I need a backflow preventer in order to legally run my sprinklers...I don't have the money for that either.  So I am sitting here looking at the grass we worked soooo hard on in the spring DIE from lack of water.

Last week we needed groceries.  It was a choice of groceries or putting money in savings to pay rent/mortgage.  I decided groceries were the more important for right here and now.  Today I am sitting here stressing because now I only have 3 weeks of putting money away to have enough to pay on time.  I know we can have it...it just means other bills have to go unpaid.  Our car was out of gas and we didn't have food.  I had to weigh needs of right now.

Yes I know we went to Cali.  Yes I know it cost some money.  It cost me a total of $100....and it was MUCH needed.  I worked a lot of hours before we went so that I could use the money for that.  I kept everything really really cheap.  I guess I shouldn't have went and then I would have had $100 for groceries.

It just frustrates me that it is ALWAYS that tight.  It has been years since it wasn't that tight.  I HATE it.  I wish I could pay tithing and not be thinking, "Man this would be nice to use for groceries".  Which is a thought that comes many weeks.  We always manage.  Something always happens and we have just enough to squeak by...I know this is because of the blessing of tithing.  I know this happens because we pay our tithing.  I have faith in tithing and that is the reason I always pay it.  It's just hard.

I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned today.  My head hurts, my tooth is killing me.  My house still has more work.  My yard - ugh I will never be able to stay on top of it all.  I haven't started laundry for the week and dread starting it cause I have a million hours of work, dentist appts and everything else this week that I worry about starting the laundry and not being able to really do it.

I am discouraged.  I am overwhelmed.

I know my life is blessed.  I see it daily and I am so grateful for it; however, today I haven't been able to keep my feelings of discouragement at bay.  I told myself, "Don't have a pity party, get to work" so I started working on the things that needed done.  Hoping I could "work through" these feelings.  Instead each thing I worked on I would see 2 or 3 other things that needed help or work and I just don't have time and money to fix it all.

My house is clean (minus laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming and mopping) but so much more needs done.  I don't have time.  I don't have energy.  I don't know what more to do.

I hate this stress of never being enough, never doing enough.  My hardest and best just isn't enough right now.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry Taun. :( I feel ya. It's hard to feel like you are stretched in every way: financially, emotionally, physically. Sometimes life is just really overwhelming. That's when I have to just take a step back and say remember the small and simple stuff. Remember the joy that came from your girls sliding down that slip n slide and having that garden. I HATE hearing to be grateful but it always works. Maybe that's why President Monson talks about service & gratitude so much. You are being watched out for and have come so far... just keep holding on! Love you!