Times in tears today: 5
Hours feeling overwhelmed: 24
Feeling of discouragement: completely present!
I haven't felt this discouraged in such a long time. I know we are in such a better place but it just seems like no matter how hard we try, how careful I budget...I can never make the money go to all the needs.
I am not talking about wants (such as a second car) I am talking about real NEEDS like healthy food in the house, basic bills (water, sewer, electricity, gas) paid.
We haven't had rain in a bit and our grass needs watered. I don't have a hose that can water my yard nor do I have the money to buy one. I need a backflow preventer in order to legally run my sprinklers...I don't have the money for that either. So I am sitting here looking at the grass we worked soooo hard on in the spring DIE from lack of water.
Last week we needed groceries. It was a choice of groceries or putting money in savings to pay rent/mortgage. I decided groceries were the more important for right here and now. Today I am sitting here stressing because now I only have 3 weeks of putting money away to have enough to pay on time. I know we can have it...it just means other bills have to go unpaid. Our car was out of gas and we didn't have food. I had to weigh needs of right now.
Yes I know we went to Cali. Yes I know it cost some money. It cost me a total of $100....and it was MUCH needed. I worked a lot of hours before we went so that I could use the money for that. I kept everything really really cheap. I guess I shouldn't have went and then I would have had $100 for groceries.
It just frustrates me that it is ALWAYS that tight. It has been years since it wasn't that tight. I HATE it. I wish I could pay tithing and not be thinking, "Man this would be nice to use for groceries". Which is a thought that comes many weeks. We always manage. Something always happens and we have just enough to squeak by...I know this is because of the blessing of tithing. I know this happens because we pay our tithing. I have faith in tithing and that is the reason I always pay it. It's just hard.
I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned today. My head hurts, my tooth is killing me. My house still has more work. My yard - ugh I will never be able to stay on top of it all. I haven't started laundry for the week and dread starting it cause I have a million hours of work, dentist appts and everything else this week that I worry about starting the laundry and not being able to really do it.
I am discouraged. I am overwhelmed.
I know my life is blessed. I see it daily and I am so grateful for it; however, today I haven't been able to keep my feelings of discouragement at bay. I told myself, "Don't have a pity party, get to work" so I started working on the things that needed done. Hoping I could "work through" these feelings. Instead each thing I worked on I would see 2 or 3 other things that needed help or work and I just don't have time and money to fix it all.
My house is clean (minus laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming and mopping) but so much more needs done. I don't have time. I don't have energy. I don't know what more to do.
I hate this stress of never being enough, never doing enough. My hardest and best just isn't enough right now.