Friday, October 8, 2010

Is the grass truly greener?

***I need to note in this - Ben in no way, shape or form has made me feel this way or said anything to me about it or done something to imply that he feels the way I did...this is just my feelings on it all after having fought and struggled with this nasty, horrid battle***

Ben has been working on being good with his foods and working on weight loss. I have been down this road (obviously). It is NOT an easy endeavor to take, especially if the spouse is not on board and working with you. Since I feel that way, I decided that I will help and support Ben.

In this time, I have lost 14 lbs helping Ben loose his 10. I am now at a loss on how to help. I want to be supportive and eat how he is eating and watch my calories. That is NEVER bad for anyone. I am pretty sure me eating lots of apples, bananas, strawberries and other fresh fruit along with spinach, lettuce and other veggies would be something any and every doctor would love to hear! I do also know that I don't NEED to loose more weight. My body doesn't need to have "just a salad" with some chicken on it for lunch. I need to have a good deal of protein and I can afford to have some whole wheat bread here and there but when I do that I feel guilty.

I feel guilty when I can have a little indulgence of a few more carbs because I burned off 400 calories in that 30 minutes at the gym (not even necessarily sweets, just whole wheat bread or Costco "Storederves"...kinda like h'ourderves but free from the store). I know how it feels to NOT get that extra food or have to give it up when others around you are able to partake. To put it plain and simply SUCKS!! When I was a 300 lbs woman struggling to loose some weight it was devastating and frustrating watching those around me be able to eat a LOT more than I could and still loose weight or at least maintain their good body weight.

It is heart breaking to try and support but your body doesn't need that intense of regime. You aren't trying to not support by eating some food but you also know that you need to eat more. I have been eating 1400-1500 calories and going to the gym to burn off about 400 calories. I seriously have lost 14 lbs since my hospital ballooning up. I am currently the lowest I have been since I was 17. I have been ignoring my bodies hunger pains because I wanted to support; however, I am not sure I can keep doing that. I also do NOT want to get in the habit of sneaking or hiding food for Ben not to see. That is NOT a good thing. I don't wanna be 300 lbs ever again...heck I don't wanna be 200 lbs ever again!!!

Ben has been eating about 1200 calories and working much harder at the gym. We walk out and I look at him and think...I soooo should have worked harder! It makes me mad that I have lost more weight than him. It makes me hurt. I know that feeling. I know how it makes you feel down trodden and depressed. I don't want to make him feel that way, I want to be his support. I want to be his person he can lean on and depend on.

I am now finding myself on the other side of the fence and it ain't any greener. In some ways it feels worse. What if he decides to give up because he doesn't feel supported? What if he gives up because he gets discouraged? Yes it would be him giving up but I have done that before. I gave up many times because I watched him being able to break the rules and still loose. It IS discouraging.

Ben -- I LOVE YOU!!! I know you want this and I have watched you not give up to this point. This is me formally and publicly asking - PLEASE oh PLEASE don't give up on what you want! I KNOW it is hard. I know it is a struggle. I also know it is what you truly want. I will help any and every way I can. Please also know that I have to eat more calories! I can't drop another 14 lbs!


  1. To be honest, I feel bad that you feel obligated to live by the same dietary regime, or exercise intensity, that I am. I am doing this for me and would rather it had as little of an impact as possible on you.

    I am proud of you and what you have done. I don't resent your success in any way.

    And, I love you.

  2. Please don't worry or feel bad - that is part of where I feel guilt and bad...cause I KNOW those feelings! I just love you and want to completely 100% support you!!