Sunday, December 11, 2011

Moving forward on the mountain of grief

The funeral was nice. It was great to see all the love and support that was given to my sister and her kids.

It is still hard.

Amazing how once a funeral is over for most not closely tied to the situation, it means the grief is gone. Unfortunately, that is not the case for us. I am afraid it is just starting.

Tonight as I tucked Katy into bed she said, "Mom I am really sad." I told her I was sorry. There is no reason to even ask what she is sad about, I already know. I asked her if there was anything I could do for her to which the response was "no". I reminded her and Lyse that I loved them both very much and reminded them that they could always pray and Heavenly Father would help them.

There are times I am sad. Sacrament today was hard. That quiet moment lead my brain to how desperate my brother in law was. It breaks my heart. Every time I go there I pray fervently that he can now feel true love. That when he was wrapped in the arms of our Savior, he felt true love. It's hard seeing what our family is going through. It is just as hard knowing he is still having to face hard times in watching his family in despair.

Yesterday at the funeral I kept myself busy. If someone asked me something, anything about it and if I felt emotions, I would find a reason to be busy and take care of that. I know I have to face it the emotions of it still. There are times when I really face it I can't breath. When I think of my sister. When I think of her children. Those are the hardest.

Today when Lyse said the blessing on the food, over and over again she prayed for her family and our safety. I see and know there is so much going on in their little world. So many concerns. Mortality has reared her ugly head and my children have become extremely aware of it.

My life has much going on. Lots of chaos, change, turmoil. When I think of about anything, it turns to that. The song, "Where can I turn for peace" comes to my mind often. I find myself humming the hymn or singing it in my mind often. My Savior and my little family is what brings me peace.

My grief and sorrow are not gone but life has moved on. I now have to face life and work on helping bring peace to the new reality my sister is going to face. We may be living in Bluffdale in 2 weeks, we may not. Whatever she needs, I will be there to help any way I can. When I can't, I just pray she can remember the Savior.

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