Thursday, December 29, 2011

Boarding the train of change

Life moves on. It always has to. You get shoved forward even when you wish for better times or the past.

It's been interesting these last few days watching life. Not just mine but many around me.

We have so much changing and right as ducks were getting in a row for the perfect situation...well the ducks for someone else also got in a row. Problem is some of their ducks to be in a row require some of my ducks.

I am willing to share ducks. I just am now concerned I am going to loose a home I was looking forward too.

Life moved me forward and switched my path again.

Today I went from happiness for one, to grieving with another sister this evening. I am so grateful for sisters. That we have one another.

As for Jana, oh how I wish I could just mend her broken heart. I wish I could take her anxiety. I wish I could protect her. Instead I just stand beside her, give her hugs and listen. I try my hardest not to push and bite my tongue often from offering advise. She has a good gut instinct. The Spirit of the Lord is also helping lead and guide her.

I also see the fear she has in swimming in a whole new pond. I am pretty sure some of her swim is filled with cold water and darkness. You just have to keep swimming though.

Darin was sick. I keep reminding myself of this. I love him. He was my brother. My poor, poor sister. She loved him more. He was her husband. My grief, sickness, sorrow, pain, anger, frustration is NOTHING compared to her whole new world.

This last year has been a HUGE year of me questioning "Why?" I don't understand soooo much. I have learned you just can't judge because you just do not know. Even if you had a similar situation, it does not mean you will have even close out comes. Everyone is lead and guided in directions that help with their growth, you just hope they have the guts and ability to follow. I do have to say, this last year has been a year of growth.

Over the summer and early fall when finances were so bad I didn't have food in the house nor money to purchase food, I thought, "why am I even trying to live? If this is all I will do all my life, what is the point of living? Ben is working 2 jobs, I am working 1 and we still can't survive."

I understand Darin's questioning that. My difference is I would than look at my beautiful children, my amazing husband and I would say...I have them. Life is about the people not the items. The problem is when you are in such a huge, horrible financial straight and you are also struggling with health is hard. There were times it was really hard for me to even hold onto the light of my family when I was super sick and no end in sight. I can't nor will I judge him.

I wish more would feel that unwillingness to judge. I wish more could understand. I wish more empathy and sympathy could be and would be shown. The people left grieving NEED that. Honestly, I wish for 1 more time I just being able to let him know that I did and DO care for him.

Life is shoving us forward. New horizons and lives. Movement forward is good just sometimes you still wish for some of those past moments but with your current wisdom!

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